(But sometimes he just has to settle for me.)
There lived in a small village a woman of moderate age, who spent her days toiling in the fields of the “rat race” to earn enough to put food in her children’s mouths and keep a roof over their heads. Mir was her name, and one day God looked upon her and chose her as an instrument with which to beautify the land. Verily, he spoke unto her.
God: Mir, spring has come. Soon, it will be summer.
Mir: Yes, my Lord. I have a calendar. And eyes.
God: And an attitude.
Mir: Sorry. Did you need something?
God: I say unto you: it is time to purchase your annuals. Till the land, and plant them firm, and try to remember to water them. Do this in the glory of my name.
Mir: Uhhhhh… okay.
God: …
Mir: I mean, sure. Excellent idea.
God: …
Mir: Oh, did you mean NOW? It’s nearly midnight.
God: I trust you will know when the time is right. Be ready to act when the time has come.
Mir: Cool. No problem.
The days turned into weeks, and still Mir had not fulfilled her promise to the Lord to cultivate the land as He had required of her. She was not willfully disobedient, yet somehow the many demands of her life seemed to occupy all the time she had. The Lord was displeased and approached Mir once again.
God: The land is yet barren.
Mir: Wh–? Geez, you scared me. Hi.
God: Do not “Hi” the Lord your God! Where are my flowers?
Mir: I didn’t want to, uh, risk a late frost.
God: It is June. Start planting.
Mir: Yes, my Lord. I shall.
God: Tomorrow. Pinky swear.
Mir: I will buy the flowers tomorrow.
God: …
Mir: … pinky swear.
God: My will be done.
Mir: Do you, uh, actually HAVE pinkies?
God: BUY THE FLOWERS.
Mir: Okay, okay.
True to her oath unto the Lord, Mir journeyed forth the very next day to gather unto herself an abundance of annuals in a rainbow of colors. In addition to these she also collected sacks of compost and bark mulch, and they too were very heavy good. All had been made ready, but once again, life intervened; and the bounty remained untouched outside the doorway of Mir’s domicile.
God: Mir!
Mir: I’m going to RIGHT NOW! I SWEAR!
God: See how the impatiens wither on their stems! Behold how the vinca are eaten by mysterious bugs in the night! You have to PLANT THEM IN THE GROUND and WATER them and DUST them with that bug stuff!
Mir: Yes! You’re right! And I am, right now, getting into my gardening clothes!
God: It is already July, and great is my sadness. How can the blooms burst forth and multiply when they have been so long constrained?
Mir: I have some MiracleGro…?
God: Even now I am gathering the clouds above for a storm that will rain upon the earth. If you hurry, perhaps you can finish your work before the heavens display my wrath.
Mir: Yes, my Lord.
Mir’s hands sank into the earth. She toiled long and hard; weeding, cultivating the land and mixing in the compost, spacing and digging and settling the small plants in their spots. At long last–exhausted, filthy, and dripping with sweat–a protective layer of bark mulch was spread over each tiny bloom and the surrounding land. God surveyed her work and was indeed pleased. Mir gathered up the tools of her labors and staggered inside to cleanse herself of the filth that now coated her.
God: Behold, now my glory shall shine across the land.
Mir: Do you mind? I’m trying to shower, here.
God: I am all-seeing and all-knowing.
Mir: Yeah, I know. It’s still a little weird.
God: You’ve got a little compost under that nail, still.
Mir: Thanks.
God: You have complied with my commands, finally. I am pleased.
Mir: Glad I could help. Is it raining now?
God: No, I changed my mind about the rain.
Mir: You said it was going to rain! I didn’t water the flowers!
God: You said you were going to plant those flowers last month. Payback’s a bitch.
Mir: Fair enough.
God: …
Mir: I’m GOING. I just have to put some clothes on first.
God: And don’t forget–
Mir: –the bug dust stuff, I know. Thanks.
God: My will be done.
Mir: Yeah, yeah. Maybe your will could go water while I have some ice cream.
God: Funny.
Mir: I just–
God: –go water now.
Mir: Going.
If you ever doubt you ability to write something that will make a girl on the other side of the world laugh her ass off, BEHOLD! For on that day, she laughed her everlovin’ ass off. And it was good.
I don’t think it was God telling you to buy the plants. It was probably a radio signal coming from some guy in the flower department at home depot.
Much luck to your little plants. The only thing I can grow is dirt.
That….was THE FUNNIEST (!) thing I’ve read in a very long time!
That was too funny… however I have a little chickadee that chirps when it is spring to tell me I need to plant flowers! She stalks the greenhouses until they have the flowers in them, and tells me everyday on the way home that we need to stop. You said we would! I think I would rather hear GOD!! :)
Quite frankly, I’m sick of watering too. Where is the rain????
Becauseth my front planting area is yet barren, I KNOWETH I am going to Hell.
Thanks. ;)
God must first put CASH into my wallet to purchase the flowers…
since that isnt going to happen…we have lovely “WILD” flowers at our house….thank GOD those things bloom –sorta–if yo let them go long enough!!!
LOL…thanks for the giggle-
I needed that!!!
God doesn’t tell me to plant things anymore. He got tired of seeing them die. I have a black thumb, what can I say?
That? Was absolutely the most entertaining thing I’ve read in ages. Thanks so much for your wonderful wit :D
So funny!!! Laughed, loudly, out loud. Thank you!
*wiping my eyes* Ohhh, girl! You’ve got me giggling till I cough over here! Brilliant. You’re so pretty.
Mir, you funny lady!
The other people in the office are wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Laughing out Load like this…
I think the men in the white coats will come soon….
But it was worth it…..so worth it!
Thanks for the giggles!
Nynke
Wait a second. God talks to you in the shower, too?
Thanks for the chuckle! Hope the all-seeing all knowing one stays over on your side of the world a little longer – haven’t cleaned the shower for the longest time.
I practically spewed coffee all over my keyboard! Thanks for the laugh – and for the record, God isn’t quite so demanding of us lapse Unitarians.
You are truely my favorite blogger! That was hysterical!
Coffee. Out of my nose. *gag, splutter*
You are so freakin’ funny. Perhaps it is time that I open my heart to God, so that I, too, will get my yard beautified.
That has got to be the funniest thing you have ever written. Love it! You’ve got a great hand at writing. I just had to come out of lurkdom to let you know how much this post made me smile and laugh.
Verily, you are funny as hell.
OMG – That was sooooo funny! I would give my right pinkie finger to be half the writer you are. Your blog is a daily must read for me. Thanks for sharing with us!
Jessica
Loved your post… lmao …. love your blog, thanks to Leanne’s referral. Great writing!
Hysterical! Keep up the great work!
Bwahahahaha!
MiracleGro!!!
You kill me.
Oh, and sorry bout that whole disembodied voice in the shower thing. Creepy, I know.
HI!! Glad to be back because you always have such a way with taking the simplest things and making me laugh my butt off! Those cookies are good, aren’t they! Blogrolled you, again!
Weird…I thought God only spoke to rightwing republican types! What’s your secret?
Oh, wonderful stuff, Mir. One of your best entries ever! Absolutely hilarious. :)
TOO FUNNY!!!