(If At First You Don’t Succeed, Shop, Shop Again)

I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone, just as I believe that there is a dream purchase for every woman on every shopping trip. No, no… I’m fine. There’s just a little something in my eye. I’m fine!

The secret–of course–is perseverance. In both cases. But the difference, with shopping, is that a really awesome purchase doesn’t later leave dirty socks on the floor or dis your friends. Nor will it get jealous if you go shopping again.

Anyway. Oh! Hey! I went shopping in Vermont. And, uh, again in New Hampshire, on the way home. And I think I can say without hesitation that THIS particular shopping was set apart from ALL OTHER SHOPPING in many, many ways.

I suspect that much of this past Saturday would’ve made an excellent sitcom, save for the fact that any thinking person would’ve declared it far too unbelievable.

Did you know that THESE SHOES in apple green are “fun” and “kicky?” Did you know that the SAME SHOES in animal print scream “hooker?” Neither did I. So spake Joshilyn.

Did you know that we do not love THIS SHIRT because the flowers, see, they don’t go all the way around to the back? It’s true. We almost love it, which is apparently the same as hating it. Oh well.

Did you know that if you walk into a boutique–even if it’s a boutique OUTLET, you know–in jeans and sneakers and begin laughing uncontrollably over the price of something, the salespeople do not like that? Go figure.

But enough of all that. You want the lowdown, and the lowdown you shall have. Salient points of note:

I most certainly DID NOT wrestle anyone to the ground, nor beat anyone, to get at their coupons. But you can’t beat that Jones New York deal Joss scored, as evidenced by the fact that she began every conversation I heard her have, that day, with “Hey YOUWILLNEVERGUESS what I got today, listen to this, JONES NEW YORK, a WHOLE SUIT, pants, jacket, blouse, camisole–HOW MUCH? GO AHEAD AND GUESS!” Indeed we had to declare her the unmitigated WINNER OF SHOPPING. Even though she tried to buy some shoes that said GOAT CRUNCH on the side of the box. (The forces of good were watching over her, and there were none in her size.) (Although, they WERE cute. But GOAT CRUNCH? No.)

Meanwhile, my friend Eileen WON AT PURSES. So many purses. I think she bought a purse for my birthday, even, that I was not allowed to see. Which is fine. Because she? Is really, really good at purses. And that’s good, because she filled my car with them. So I would just like to tell her husband, right now, that he is really pretty (and I mean that in the most flattering, manly way) and I had NO IDEA about all those purses.

And then there was me. Me, wandering around Liz Claiborne, coveting so many things, and yet… being mostly unable to find anything in my size. “Oh,” chirped the saleslady by the fitting rooms, “we hardly ever get the small sizes!” I think she was trying to comfort me. Despite the dearth of items I could try, I did find a few things I liked, including two notables.

First: a coordinated outfit of capris and top. Coordinated meaning that the color palette was actually coordinated by the manufacturer and the two pieces looked like they came together. HOW BIZARRE. But I bought it, if only for the novelty of being able to pretend that I know how to dress myself. Also because it makes me look like a gigantic rainbow sherbet cone, and I require an outfit like that for my “I’m a ray of sunshine” days. Or something.

Second: a pair of jeans MADE for me. “That is a fine-fitting pair of jeans!” I believe Joshilyn said. I declared my love for the jeans and raced out to find another pair. Of course, I had just tried on the only pair in my size in the entire store. Alas.

But this is not what you are here for, I know. Jeans, shmeans.

In the battle of the pointy toe vs. the kitten heel, a peaceful truce was reached when I was forced to make a purchase at “Buy 1, Get 1 50% Off!” gunpoint. You will agree that they are fabulous, or I shall be forced to kick out your eyes with my oh-so-pointy toes.

The zenith of the experience actually came on Sunday, after we’d started home. We stopped at the OTHER Liz Claiborne outlet, looking for Those Perfect Jeans again. And then… I saw it. It called my name. It whispered sweet nothings in my ear. It was as soft as a newborn’s fuzzy little head and it was THE ONLY ONE in the store.

It was also quite a bit more than I normally spend. And by “quite a bit more” I mean that I looked at the price tag and threw up.

But! Half price! Half of a gazillion dollars is still a really good deal, because, well, HALF!

I knew that if I left it there, it would haunt me to the end of my days. Better to try it on and hope that it looked awful, closing the door on any pining before it could begin. I could try it on, it would be all wrong, and then I could forget all about it!

Except that, I walked out of the fitting room to the 3-way mirror, and every woman standing there STOPPED and went, “Ooohhhhhhh.”

Dammit.

I didn’t really have half a gazillion dollars. But I was powerless, I tell you. And the flowers? Go all the way around.

Thus concluded my adventure in Vermont. If Joshilyn had been with us when I got the sweater, I may have had to argue about who really won at shopping. This just means we’ll have to meet up and do it again, sometime.

Not for a while, though. I’m kinda working on socking away… ummm… about half a gazillion dollars, first.