This afternoon we went to the store and bought a watermelon roughly the size of my new mailbox. It is in this watermelon’s honor that I offer you… the Top 5 Gadgets I Love Most.

1) The Melon Baller: What a tremendous invention. I mean, it’s so simple, yet so brilliant. Here I am with my watermelon, and the Chickadee wanting some right now pleasepleaseplease oh puhleeeeeeeezeMama, and no hip waders in sight. No worries. I have a melon baller! No longer do I have to grab a knife suitable for filleting an entire steer and hack this thing to bits while withstanding the tidal wave of sticky watermelon juice. I can grab said knife simply for sawing that bad boy in half, and then go to work with the melon baller. All the extra juice stays neatly contained in the rind, I have two gigantic rinds rather than an endless pile of rind-bones, and let’s face it–shaped food is more fun to eat, particularly when you’re a little kid. Everybody wins!

And by the way? My melon baller isn’t even the thousand-dollar Pampered Chef version. I think I got it at the Dollar Store. Works just fine.

2) The Can Crusher: Every woman, and I mean every single woman should own a can crusher. Heck, even if you don’t drink Diet Coke with Lime, in which case I wonder what kind of freakish life you lead without this nectar of the Gods, but okay, you still need a crusher! GO GET ONE RIGHT NOW! I leave my cans in a designated area until I feel like killing someone. It usually only takes a day or two. And then I head on out to the garage and start crushing cans. Can I tell you? It’s soooooo gratifying. The cans make a very rewarding THWCH-EEEEEK sound as they crumple into hockey pucks. Plus it saves room in the recycling bin, and the children think you’re some sort of savior environmentalist when really you’re just replaying every idiot encounter word for word except it ends with said idiot’s head going THWCH-EEEEEK.

3) The Wireless Card: Requires no explanation, really. I remember when I thought surfing the ‘net in my pajamas was the height of sloth; I was aiming low. Now my laptop lives under my bed, and when I really want to be a lazy American I just pull it out and surf without even pulling back the covers. Yeah, baby.

4) The Weemote: Oh, your kids don’t watch TV? Mine don’t either. When they’re at school. Or asleep. Anyway, when they do, I don’t have to change the channel for them anymore. Nor do I have to fly into action as a one-woman censor because they’re crossing inappropriate channels. This was well worth the $10 or so I spent on it.

5) The Digital Camera: Hi, I’m Mir… and I am… the world’s worst photographer. Also, I am lucky to remember to clean myself and keep track of both children every day. I have no interest in remembering to drop off and pick up film–particularly because it involves large sums of money, which I tend not to have–for pictures which, on the whole, will suck. In fact, I am such a terrible photographer, I take pictures that are capable of both sucking and blowing, simultaneously. (One could argue that that makes me a gifted photographer, but one would have to have quite a lot to drink before feeling the need to make that assertion.) Thanks to going digital, I am still a lousy photographer, but I am improving (because I take a lot more pictures than I used to) and I’m not losing any money. Sweet.

Yes, I really did just put the advent of affordable digital photography into the same category as scooping melon flesh. It’s part of my charm.