Because I’m smooth like that

By Mir
January 14, 2015

This story begins with bacon, which SHOULD mean it’s a happy story, but I am all about the plot twist, yo.

Bacon! We love bacon. (Well, not the vegetarian. Though she does still comment that it smells good, which is fascinating to me.) Once upon a time while on one of the awesome summer family trips with my folks and siblings, someone purchased turkey bacon from Costco and I relentlessly mocked this choice, because BACON IS FROM PIGS and TURKEY BACON IS AN ABOMINATION and probably makes the baby Jesus cry. I am ardent about my pork products, you understand. But lo and behold, this particular turkey bacon was 1) actually yummy, 2) much cheaper than real bacon, and 3) marginally healthier than pork bacon. The next time we went to Costco, we bought some, which—because it was Costco—was something like 5 or 6 pounds of delicious fake bacon from pig-turkeys.

For the first however many packages, I would pull it out on a weekend and make some with pancakes on a Saturday or whatever. Last weekend I noticed we were down to the last package (“Hey Otto, we have to go to Costco! BACON EMERGENCY!”) and I had a brilliant thought: Why not cook up an entire package one day, then reheat a couple strips for Monkey every morning with his breakfast? I don’t possess the time or alertness to fry bacon on a busy school morning, but 20 seconds in the microwave I could manage. And Monkey needs the calories. BRILLIANT.

[Sidebar: Neither of my children are big breakfast eaters. Chickadee typically has a protein bar—a.k.a. the highest amount of protein in the smallest portion of food possible—and I bake a batch of whole grain/fruit/nut/whatever-we-have-on-hand muffins every weekend and Monkey will then deign to eat a single muffin each morning and then declare that he is “stuffed.” I suppose I could put a pepperoni pizza on the table every morning—that’s one food he’ll eat until it’s gone or he falls to the floor in a food coma—but adding bacon to the muffin/milk he’s already consuming seemed like a more prudent choice.]

I cooked up a whole package of bacon on Sunday. Monkey and I ate some and I put the rest in a container in the fridge. As planned, I’ve been giving him a couple of strips every morning, and he’s delighted. It would’ve lasted the entire week (the bacon, not his delight, though maybe that, too?), but last night for dinner we had soup and salad… and first Otto said, “Hey, I bet some bacon would be good on this soup” (it was) and then Monkey and I decided we each needed some bacon crumbled on our salads. Dinner was delicious. (The soup was a sweet potato coconut milk concoction and it was a keeper, plus I did a HUUUUUGE salad with tons of veggies because my new year’s resolution is to make sure every dinner takes me at least an hour to prepare and the kids complain about it.)

This meant that when I pulled out the bacon container this morning, there were three strips left. I heated them up, gave two to Monkey, then decided to eat the last one, myself. I was already showered and dressed (a rarity for me on a school morning!) because I had an early appointment, so I scarfed down my super-balanced breakfast of… ummm… that lonely strip of turkey bacon, quickly washed my hands (bacon is greasy), grabbed a mug of coffee, and headed out.

As I drove along in my car, I noticed my lips felt pretty chapped, so I dug around in my purse to find some lip balm. Eyes on the road, hand in my purse… it took a while to find it. As I raised it to my mouth, I realized my fingers still felt sticky. Perhaps in my rush, I hadn’t washed them very well. Oh, well. I continued navigating traffic and after applying Carmex to my lips, licked my fingers, because BACON, and also, it’s not like I have a sink in my car.

My fingers didn’t taste like bacon, or anything, really. I put the Carmex back in my purse. Still, a minute later, I realized my fingers STILL felt sticky, so I licked them again. And STILL MY FINGERS FELT STICKY, WHAT THE HECK, so finally I looked at my hand (duh).

My hand was covered with blood. HILARIOUS. And by “hilarious” I mean “could only happen to me.” Near as I can figure, when I was doing the blind digging around in my purse, I got a tiny little cut right up in hangnail territory on one of my fingers. And then I proceeded to bleed like a hemophiliac because of course I did. By the time I noticed this, I had also dripped blood onto my jeans in three separate spots. Awesome.

Still driving, I managed to grab a paper napkin from the glovebox and wrap up my finger. A quick survey revealed that I’d only bled on my jeans and my coffee cup, and not on my car or my purse (small favors). Okay. Manageable! I was almost to my destination, so I would tend to my jeans when I got there.

I pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car. I checked my napkin-swaddled finger; still bleeding. I decided I have leukemia, because I am calm and logical and not at all a hypochondriac. Then I looked in my purse for a Tide pen. I was still digging when I remembered my last Tide pen incident and with a stab of panic I wondered if I’d remembered to replace the horrible-smelling, old pen with a new one. Had I?? I couldn’t remember.

It turns out, I’M A GENIUS. I had indeed thrown away the horrible pen and put a new one in my purse. I was early for my appointment and I had a fresh Tide pen and I was going to save my jeans.

Tide pens have a hard plastic tip that’s retractable; you push it on the fabric, the tip retracts, and that releases the cleaner. At least, that’s how it’s supposed to work. UNLESS YOU ARE ME, and you have somehow grabbed the only Tide pen in the universe where the tip is retracting and shaking the pen reveals that said pen is indeed FILLED with cleaning substance, yet NONE OF IT IS COMING OUT. If anyone else in the parking lot saw me this morning, they would’ve witnessed a woman becoming increasingly more frantic while stabbing herself in the leg over and over and over. By the time I was ready to give up and go inside, the liquid began to trickle out, and I was able to treat the blood spots, which was nice, because I’m pretty sure I have giant bruises underneath the stains, now.

And then I spent the first 10 minutes of my meeting recounting the story of how the happiness and joy of bacon led to leukemia, excessive bruising, and almost ruining my favorite jeans.

And that’s how I ended up at Trader Joe’s after my appointment, buying chocolate-covered potato chips. I HAD A ROUGH MORNING, OKAY??


  1. HG

    It all sounds perfectly logical to me.

  2. Karen.

    Oh … glory. This does seem to be something that could happen to me.

  3. Diane

    Those cuticle area cuts do bleed like crazy. Sunday I managed to get a pretty serious cut across the cuticle on my thumb by arguing with a donut box…no Kleenex, so I kept my thumb in my mouth as I drove home (except for when I had to use that hand to shift). It finally stopped…until I noticed later that the vacuum cleaner handle felt sticky. Yup, opened up. It’s Wednesday and I’m still wearing a band aid. Every time I take it off, I manage to pull the cut open again.

  4. Katie in MA

    I kept waiting for the chapped lips and tingling sensation in fingers to turn into anaphylactic shock. Because you know. You.

    • Otto

      Me, too.

      Or for the Tide pen to be an Epi pen …


      • Mir

        The EpiPens are on top of the fridge, where I can’t hurt myself with them. I feel like Katie has a valid point, though….

    • Erin

      ME TOO.

  5. Alice

    I’m still giggling here at my desk, because apparently I find surprise blood hilarious. But I agree with others – it’s always startling how much blood comes out of those kinds of cuts. (I remember driving in one morning after I’d cut my thumb, holding my finger up to the roof of the car to try and slow the blood, but undoing most of my work each time I had to shift gears. I felt like I was going to turn into a prune, I was losing so much moisture.)

    Glad that you’re now in one piece, fortified with bacon, chocolate, coffee and potato chips. Really, you’re set for most anything with those.

  6. Jean

    I wonder why you didn’t taste blood when you licked your fingers? The whole story sounds exactly like something that could happen to me, except without the Tide pen. I wouldn’t have thought you odd at all…..

  7. monica

    I have a 15 yr old boy who is 6’3 and weighs – well I have no idea how much he weighs, maybe 170-175? Anyway he eats A LOT. All of the time. Recently, I like you decided to cook and entire pound of bacon on a Thursday evening when I was cooking other stuff, and figured I would keep it in the fridge to reheat for Saturday and Sunday breakfasts. I wrapped the cooked bacon in paper towel and put it in a ziplock bag in the fridge. In the cheese drawer. Well, on Saturday morning, exactly 36 hours after I had cooked the bacon, I went to get some for younger son’s breakfast, and guess what – it was ALL GONE. All of it. Eaten at some point, probably when I was asleep, by older son as he stood in front of the fridge looking for even more food, I suppose. What amazed me was that he found it in the fridge, all wrapped in paper towels in a ziplock bag, kinda hidden in the cheese drawer. I guess that smell is hard to mask!
    ps. He left the empty bag in the cheese drawer.

    • 12tequilas

      Hee! My kids are always taking the last yogurt tube and leaving the empty box in the fridge.

  8. Jamie

    I sliced the side of my pointer-finger-meets-hand nuckle off once and while the skin removal area was small, that thing bled for many days. On day 3, I went to the doctor as I was worried it hadn’t stopped. He told me the hands, feet and face are the most vascular (lots of veins) parts of the body, so they bleed the most. Great… I think my hand finally stopped bleeding on day five…

    And finally, mmmm BACON!

  9. dad

    I am really sorry I wasn’t there to document your harrowing experience.
    That way you could have shared this remarkable event with pictures as well as words.

    Genetics are weird.
    You can thank me for being a bleeder. The difference between us is that you pursued a line of action featuring cleaning and stabbing yourself with a laundry pen, whereas I would merely have passed out.

    PS: I’m glad you’re posting again

  10. Caroline

    Awwww. And Mir’s Dad when for be comment of the day for the p.s. note!! **snif…got something in my eye. **

  11. Chuck

    Bacon. It’s bloody marvelous.

    • Chuck

      P.S. I celebrated the walking I’ve started doing reducing my waist size to the point that I tightened my belt another notch today (yay)…by buying chocolate covered cashews at Walgreen’s this morning. Never tried chocolate covered potato chips but they do sound interesting.

  12. Karen

    Oh but those incredibly addicting absolutely so f-ing delicious it’s ridiculous chocolate covered potato chips made it all better, I know, because I use those comfort WAY TOO OFTEN!

    And now I’m kinda wondering why I have never even given a thought to carrying a Tide pen…..

  13. Rocky Mountain Woman

    Brought a smile to my face this late afternoon! Thanks…

  14. Elz

    Our friends invited us away for a weekend a few years ago. He proceeded to make breakfast one morning with turkey bacon. I was aghast “-THATISNOTBACON.BACON IS BACON.” I was ticked. Don’t bring that stuff around me! Apparently I have strong feelings about bacon…

  15. Pam

    I’m sorry, there was so much in that story, but it all evaporated when I got to the “chocolate-covered potato chips”. THESE EXIST? How could I not know? How can I survive until I get to try some? My peace of mind is ruined.

  16. Lindsey

    If you (and family) like bacon, you’ll love this recipe for bacon-wrapped roast beef:

    I made this for Christmas dinner w/ my dad this year, and while the roast beef was good, the bacon wrapped around it was TO DIE FOR… Best bacon I’ve ever eaten in my entire life. (And I’ve had a lot of bacon!)

    You’re welcome! ;-)

  17. Rebecca

    That sounds just like a margarita buzz dream. Your life is funny. :P

  18. Bob

    well, hemophilia runs in royal bloodlines, so maybe you’ve finally proven you are a long lost princess……HRH Mir. Long may she reign.

  19. Mkw

    Next time at Trader Joes… Grab a container of almonds with dark chocolate and sea salt. Oh my goodness. So good.

  20. Teresa

    Uhm, sweet potato coconut milk keeper soup recipe please? (GF, correct?) Please and Thank You!!

  21. Chris

    I also worried you were going to need an epi-pen (not a Tide pen) so by the time I got to blood I was less concerned.

    And it made me smile to see a comment from Mir’s Dad!

  22. Kristin

    I’m so glad you started writing your daily life stuff again. My goodness, it’s like you are channeling my life. You and The Middle.

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