I am old and inappropriate

By Mir
January 20, 2013

So I’m doing The Vagina Monologues again this year, and while my father would insist that as a kid/teen I used to get cast in a play and have the whole script memorized the next day (this is an exaggeration), the older I get, the harder it is for me to memorize lines. Clearly my brain is failing. And the piece I’m in is a group round-robin style thing, so I am really struggling to get each of these single-lines-between-other-people’s-single-lines down before we’re supposed to be off-book in a few days. And the piece is SAD and HEAVY and HORRIFYING, so it’s not exactly a joyfest.

On the other hand, I have a short paragraph in the big intro to the show which IS funny, and I don’t know what it is—maybe my reaction to having such a Serious Piece later on, or that I am actually a 12-year-old boy on the inside—but that was not only a snap to memorize, I find myself riffing on possible responses to my favorite line way more often than is probably normal. The line is, “In the first place, it’s not so easy to even find your vagina.” Which… what?? So far my favorite made-up-for-my-own-amusement responses include:
A) That’s what she said.
B) Shall we call 1-800-THE-MISSING?
C) Let me Google that for you!

I really should not be allowed out into the world unsupervised.


  1. Little Bird

    Well, for some guys it can be like Narnia.

  2. fayeth

    Perhaps you shouldn’t be allowed out unsupervised, but we’re sure glad you are :p

  3. Tenessa

    Inappropriate is FUN!

  4. Mom2Trplts

    I’m mature too. I read meghann’s reply and thought, “What about a VPS?!”

  5. Little Bird

    Oh, GPS works too.
    Yes, my mind is a fairly raunchy place sometimes.

  6. karen

    Seriously.. if he needs directions? Never mind. :-)

  7. Holly Gault

    Unfortunately, the age/memory thing gets worse. But I would say that you have acquired AOD (Adult Onset Dyslexiaâ„¢) which makes it difficult to read [or memorize] things that you don’t want to read.

  8. TracyB

    That cracks me up! Especially C, only because I say that at least 10 times a day! What would we do without Google? I call it Mrs. Google.

  9. Frank

    The pronoun setup of that sentence leads me to believe the speaker cannot find HER OWN vagina…. in which case I would suggest Braille lessons….

  10. Jessica

    That’s what I was thinking, Frank.

    I can somewhat forgive a man not knowing how to handle the equipment (especially when it’s new to him), but when you’ve grown up with it and you still have a hard time finding it (even in the dark)… Well, now. Even assuming the sentence is alluding to the actual vagina (versus the vulva), it’s not exactly the most difficult spot to find, especially after a certain age when it kind of makes itself known whether you want it to be or not.

    I think D should be “Who among us hasn’t forgotten where she left it?” I mean, who hasn’t left her vagina behind after a rough night? Or when she’s in a hurry and can’t even be bothered to put on a hat?

    (I’m 12 with you.)

  11. Brigitte

    My first thought was: depends on how bendy you are.

  12. dad

    Nothing I could possibly say would be appropriate.

    But in the inner sanctum of what remains of my mind, I am snorting laughter.

  13. Daisy

    Oh, I think those responses are totally appropriate!

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