Random answers and further embarrassment

By Mir
July 25, 2011

I’m so glad that y’all seemed to enjoy the last post as much as I enjoyed writing it. Sometimes I’m not sure if things are just amusing in my head or actually amusing in general, and the confirmation that yes, my Native American name should’ve been Dances With Morons warms the cockles of my twisted little heart.

Of course, it seems I’ve left you with a few burning questions, and that just won’t do. Let me see if I can address some of your queries.

Many of you wanted to know if 1) Otto and his friend still saw the film and 2) how it was. I subjected my husband to a hard-hitting interview to get the scoop for you. And this is particularly notable because Otto is out of town at a conference, and he called home to check in and I was all “Let’s talk about that 3D porno.” Lucky Otto!

I just happen to have a transcript right here:

Me: My readers want to hear about the 3D porno.
Otto: Really?
Me: Yes. They want to know how it was.
Otto: I really don’t remember.
Me: I find that hard to believe.
Otto: Uh, it’s not like it had much of a PLOT, you know?
Me: Oh. Right.
Otto: Sorry…?

Illuminating, yes? (Also: Being married to me is a non-stop joyride, I’m certain.)

There was also some discussion of whether or not I looked up PB on Facebook. The truth is that even after we broke up, I stayed in touch with him and his mom on and off for many years, until it became clear that it was all just more crazy than I needed to have in my life in any capacity. PB ended up marrying someone who was clearly insane and his mother made no bones about how much she wished it had been me, instead. Crazy Wife tried to befriend me, and ’round about the time I had a miscarriage and she wrote me a long email about how lucky I was that the baby had died (no, really) I called up PB and said, “Oh, hey, you and your batshit nutso wife need to stop talking to me, ever.” At some point years later he tracked me down to tell me they were getting divorced, and I was also getting divorced, and he seemed to think that meant we could be bestest buddies, and so I made myself scarce as quickly as possible.

In short: When I got on Facebook, the first thing I did was look him and his mom up and block both of them. Obviously.

Also, Patricia wanted to know why broccoli is bad, and all I can tell you is that Otto swears a piece of broccoli once tried to kill him. The rest of us LOVE broccoli, and Otto is weird.

Originally I planned to spend today telling you about yesterday, but then I realized it wasn’t exactly an entire post’s worth of information. Cliff Notes version: Yesterday I decided to drag my cave-dwelling daughter outside, and so I informed her that WE WERE GOING SWIMMING and went to great pains to make sure she was adequately protected from the sun, but then I went out and cleaned the pool before I put sunscreen on myself. Because I’m stupid. We had a lovely time splashing around together and tormenting the dog, and it wasn’t until I was getting ready for bed, hours later, that I discovered my back is completely sunburned. DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I STUPIDLY DO, KID.

Okay, so, here’s a couple more pictures from the newly-recovered packet of photos.

Here I am at Chickadee’s age, dressed up for “hippie day” at summer camp. I showed her this picture with great glee—“look, this is me at your age!”—and she said: “Wow, Mom. That’s… uhhh… nice.”

I’ll grant you that my hair is kind of… poodle-y… but I don’t think that picture even holds a candle to this next one:

Here I am at some point in college, hanging out in a friend’s room, reading a book. And yes, I am wearing tapered-leg strategically-bleached jeans. Not only that, I can guarantee you that they went all the way up to my belly button, AND I was likely wearing a belt just to accent that particular bit of awesome.

The saddest part is that my friend took this picture specifically because she had a friend she wanted to fix me up with, and he wanted a picture of me. This is the picture I let her show him, because apparently I believed I looked pretty hot. (I can’t remember what happened, there. We never did go out, but it wasn’t because of the picture. Because the picture was FANTASTIC. Maybe by the time she got around to it I was already dating PB? Unsure.)

I have to go figure out how to put aloe on my own back. Maybe I should’ve made Chickie do it before she left for band camp this morning.


  1. Leandra

    OMG, I am LOVING these pictures. And hey, we all had a pair of navel-grazing, tapered, strategically acid washed jeans! It was the late 80s, man!

    We found out the hard way that Solarcaine (the stuff you spray on sunburns?) has a can that will spray upside down. So you can spray yourself. Just for future reference.

  2. elz

    I love the picture posts so much. I find it hard to believe that Otto can’t remember details of a 3D por&o. I’ve never seen one, but I would imagine it would be, umm..memorable!

  3. Liza

    1) Your smile is exactly the same as it was in the hippie day picture, which I love.

    2) The socks make the second picture. Also, whose washboard abs were posted on your wall?

    3) Sorry about your sunburn.

    4) Glad that PB and Batshit Crazy Wife are all blocked and out of your life. Ugh!!!

  4. BethRD

    I always think of Otto when I eat a piece of raw broccoli. As I have done approximately 10,000 times so far in my life. Without death of any kind!

  5. BethRD

    Hmm. I re-read that and I realized that numerically that implies I have thought of Otto approximately 10,000 times since the broccoli incident, and that doesn’t seem right. So maybe not *every* time. Just sometimes. It gives raw broccoli a nice little thrill of danger, which frankly it kind of needs to jazz up the experience.

  6. kapgaf

    I only just caught up with yesterday’s post just before reading today’s so my comment will cover both. I am still giggling (maybe sniggering would be a better word?). PB indeed and of course I love the fact that you asked Otto about the 3D porn film because I was wondering about that but I think that even if there was no plot, it would be nice to know if anything kind of leapt out of the screen and the audience ducked (sorry, my mind is in the gutter on this one but I just imagine someone naked swinging round and… well, you’d better just join me in the gutter if you want to finish off that sentence).

    The photos are great and it must be such fun going through them after all this time. Chickadee is duly unappreciative of how wild you were at her age. I love the gentle let-down response.

    Sorry about the sunburn – we don’t need to get in a pool here to get wet, the pouring rain does it whether we want it or not and there’s very little chance of getting sunburned.but I remember how it feels. Soothing thoughts are travelling across the Atlantic as I write.

  7. Megan

    Yes! I had the acid-ey jeans. Only mine were bleached with a rose pattern which totally didn’t matter when I accidentally splashed bleach on them – you couldn’t see the difference. Also? I definitely had to lie down on the bed to zip them up. Smokin’!

    My sister-in-law recently gave me a whole batch of photos she had rescued from my OCD+hoarder father in law and, right in the middle, there were a whole series of Oh So Dramatic photos of me wearing those bleached out jeans (taken with my then-boyfriend, soon-husband). I even let my kids see them and mock me, just to demonstrate that I’ve gotten over the shame of it all. (I haven’t, but this is good therapy, right??)

    You are one generous soul to share these photos – even with a commiserating and loving internet audience!

  8. Lynn in Mass

    I love the jeans in the college photo. Hard to believe Otto doesn’t really remember the movie. (that’s o.k. that he doesn’t want to share)

  9. Chuck

    Ah, ok. So the Band Camp isn’t an away-from-home camp, then. I was confused for a minute but then I got to the end of your post. I think Day Camp tends to be less stressful in general.

    I can sympathize about the sunburn – I’m very pale, and being single, I *love* the new-ish spray on sunscreens, thus allowing me to achieve complete coverage without the use of a towel.

  10. Mary

    This is fun! Keep ’em comin’! You “might” have even inspired me to scan some old photos to my blog! :-)

  11. Tenessa

    You have a fantastic smile!

  12. Linda Sherwood

    I believe I had this exact same hairstyle and possibly the same pose in old pictures of me.

  13. ccr in MA

    Spatula. Assuming you have one you’re willing to remove from food duties permanently, that is. It works for me to put sunscreen on my back (since the cats refuse to help), so I would think it would work for aloe, too. Good luck!

  14. dad

    It’s not that you’re not cute now, but you were really adorable in your earlier youth.

    I suppose that helped to assuage my occassional desire to ship you off to a remote convent or choke the…out of you.

    Glad I didn’t. It might have deprived me of the endless entertainment you now provide.

  15. burghbaby

    What does it say about me that I noticed the half nekkid man hanging on the wall behind the lamp before I noticed your “beautiful” jeans?

  16. Jessica

    Is that a bottle of suntan lotion in your hippie day photo?

    Also, your dad’s comment is priceless. You should totally print that out and keep it for the future when you are ready to say the same to your own kids. ;) Or, heck, you could probably start using it now…

  17. Niki

    Re: broccoli – I once worked with a girl whose stepmom was actually killed by broccoli. Seriously. She choked on a piece, but still had a bit of room to breathe. The ER docs nicked the back of her throat, causing a small ongoing bleed. She eventually had a stroke, and was on life support for weeks before she finally passed on. Scary story, I know, and it has given me another reason (besides the obvious that it’s icky) to avoid broccoli.

  18. Anthony from CharismaticKid

    Oh darn, I wish that was your normal type of outfit back then. You looked awesome, if you’re not still using that elephant necklace, can I have it?

  19. laura

    Short waisted people like myself could actually tuck those jeans under our bras. Awesome, right?! I know my girls LOVE it when I pass these inane comments on to them.

  20. Katie in MA

    These pictures are absolute awesomesauce for my week! :) BUT! I am going on vacation to visit my fam next week and while I’m sure my girls will have so! much! fun!, I have a feeling that I will need LOTS of pics to help me recover. So make sure you save some. (You know – because your blog is all about *me* sometimes. Ahem.)

    Also? You should have Most Embarrassing Photo contest with submissions from your lovely readers. We can laugh until we cry. :)

  21. Kristine N

    You have really made my day…. Love the old photos and the stories about PB and his mother and wife had me in stitches….. Keep them coming.

  22. Zuska

    Loving these trips down memory lane! The hippie shot is adorable – they ALL are adorable!!! Don’t ask me why, exactly, but the fact that you chose that photo to share with your friend’s friend for a possible fix-up has me giggling – mostly because of the white sweat socks. Nothing says “smokin’ hot college girl” like white sweat socks. Diligently reading a book. After eating some Halloween candy, perhaps.

  23. Sheila

    I swear that could be me on the picture, if only the shirt were a Laura Ashley prairie blouse. I had a white one which I wore everywhere, and tucking it in to my wide-legged, tapered-ankle jeans was my favorite combo. Good times.

  24. E's Mommy

    You’re hilarious and those outfits are classic. Awesome!

  25. Sherry

    RE: Applying aloe to your own bad self

    I had to smear it on the shower wall and then turn around and rub my back on it.

  26. Andrea

    I am dying to know who it was in the shirtless poster on the wall?

  27. Laura

    OMG OMG OMG!! You are my twin separated at birth, except you are a couple of years older so I don’t know how that would work. Also,you’re prettier and thinner. On the other hand, YOU HAVE MY HAIR!! OMG! First and foremost I must know what styling products you use currently because I’m having issues lately and mine were all discontinued or something… I digress.

    As for the aloe on your back, don’t ask me where I read this, but I know I saw a tip once about applying ointment to your back using saran wrap. Seriously. Not a joke. You are supposed to get a good long length of it and, using the same motion you would if you were toweling off your back (a back and forth motion), you squeegee the ointment down your back with the cling wrap. You’re welcome. Wasn’t that totally useful? LOL!!

    OMG – your pictures rock. I cannot believe I’ve found my hair twin. ;-)

  28. Otto

    FOR THE RECORD: I just returned from taking Chickadee to the damned orthodontist because – READY DOUBTERS? – a piece of broccoli broke her braces.

    That stuff is pure evil.


  29. Angela

    Otto cracks me up – love his comment right above me!

    Your pictures are awesome. I had some of those fabulous taper leg, bleached, belly button covering jeans. I wore it with a big belt that had silver circles all along it to make sure it wasn’t missed.

  30. Little Bird

    For your sunburn: purchase a rubber/silicone spatula. Make sure it is VERY easily distinguished from the ones in your kitchen. In fact, it should never ever be IN your kitchen. Keep it in the bathroom with the aloe. Use it to apply whatever ointments necessary to your back, when there is no one around to help you.
    (My best friends ex used to keep one in the bathroom for his Nair, aren’t you glad I shared that last part?)

  31. aem2

    What does it say about me that I *didn’t* notice the half-naked man on the wall?

    I think we should just pretend the 80s never happened, fashion-wise. Let us not speak off it. Because while I am getting a huge kick out of seeing your embarrassing photos, they are reminding me of certain photos which I desperately hope will never see the light of day.

  32. gillian

    sherry has it right
    smear it on the shower wall then smear your back into it

  33. Tracy

    Oh wow! I have a very similar elephant to the one you’re wearing in your “Hippie Day” photo. It’s even got the colorful rug on its back. Do you remember the story behind yours?

  34. Kim

    You know I keep seeing “This too shall pass” in my head from “OK Go” when I read your posts about Chickadee’s band camp. Maybe just because it’s the only song I can think of with a marching band in it? And the message in the song is always a blessed reminder for us all.

  35. Amy

    Is that Chris Cornell’s torso on the wall? And if it is, then that makes me amazing for being able to identify his former hotness from a portion of a small picture!

  36. Karen

    Don’t take offense to this… but that picture of you when you were Chickie’s age reminds me of Duckie from Pretty in Pink. Maybe it is just the glasses, which I assume were popular, but I was instantly reminded of Duckie. You totally rock for posting these pictures!

  37. Angela

    Come on everyone ~ that half naked guy is definitely Leif Garrett…Who else could it possibly be?

  38. Amanda

    Sunburn: When my husband was deployed I came up with this trick. Rubber band a soft wash cloth to a wooden spoon. Put some of the sunburn gel on the wash cloth and then spread on your back. I tried the spatula trick, but the edges hurt the burn.

    Old photos are always fun to look through. I got a ton from my grandma’s house when she died, and gave some of me from when I was little to my dad since he didn’t have any. My half sister saw them and said, “When did I have a green softball shirt?” Funny how genetics work.

  39. Daisy

    The jeans! The bleached jeans with the tapered ankles! OMG, I remember bringing in a pair of old jeans to art class just to bleach them. I wore them in public, too – I hope no one took a pic of me in those!

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