Let’s do a quick review of recent world events, shall we?
1) Norway. God. What did the people of Oslo ever do to anyone? Why are there still so many people out there who think The Answer lies in blowing people up and shooting them? I don’t understand.
2) Amy Winehouse. Hey, it turns out that addiction kills even people who are really, really talented. How about that. Would it be wrong to tell my kids that if they ever even try drugs I will break their legs? Because I’m okay with that if it’s not going to get DFACS over here.
3) School. As in: starts in two weeks. As in: we haven’t the faintest clue what the plan is for Monkey right now. I’ve spent two solid days making phone calls, sending emails, researching, talking to people. I’m lost. I’m tired.
I’ve been saving the following for a suck-ass day like this one. It’s time.
I actually received a sign about this: Pictures!
See, I have a couple of stories I’ve always wanted to tell here. Something along the lines of “Hey, this may come as a shock to you, given that it took us close to 20 years to figure out our relationship together, but Otto and I had really, really bad taste when it came to romance for a long time.” Otto’s stories aren’t mine to share, of course, but I would giggle a lot if he did. Our joke (in the platonic days) was that he had a thing for wounded birds. Otto is a fixer. But some of the broken wings he came across were attached to psychopaths. I’m just saying.
Me, I just had garden-variety poor judgement. Shocking!
And when Chickadee came back from her dad’s house, she gave me an envelope of pictures. Really old pictures. Pictures of mine, that had somehow ended up in a box of his that hadn’t been opened since before our divorce. I kind of want to make fun of the 8+ years it took him to discover that he had them, but the truth is that I think it’s nice he returned them to me (I had already given them up as lost forever years ago), so I’m not going to complain.
Of course, I never want to embarrass someone, so I’ve taken the liberty of disguising the men in question. I’ll tell you about two of them, now that I have the pics.
Meet the guy I went to senior prom with, lo those many years ago. Let’s call him Catholic Boy, or CB for short. And before we make fun of him, yes, let’s please take a moment to admire my terrible posture, questionable prom dress, and shoulder pads. Yes. (This dress was backless and I remember thinking it was SO mature.)
CB and I both came out of long-term, serious relationships just a few months before prom. And we were both somewhat relieved to have broken free prior to graduation; who wanted to be dealing with a long-distance relationship, anyway? We were headed to college! New life! New plans! We decided we’d plan to go to prom together as friends.
I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but I think we lasted about two weeks with our grand “as friends” plan before hormones got the better of us. By the time we went to prom, we were dating.
My previous boyfriend had been a lot older than I was (a lot; that’s a whole ‘nother story), and CB’s previous girlfriend was a lot more Catholic than he was. Let’s just say there was… a bit of inequality in our experience levels at the start of this relationship. Ahem. That was eventually rectified, much to CB’s horny teenage delight, even though he once got so drunk at a party that he turned to me and said, “OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, JENNY!” (Jenny was not the name he said, but neither was it my name. It was one of my best friend’s names, though. And she was standing right there. Ouch.)
We continued dating through the summer, and then I went away to college and he went to college in town. I did a lot of studying and he did a lot of drinking. We broke up. I came home for Fall Break and we got back together. I went back to school and we broke up. The end.
About a year ago I came across CB on Facebook. He’s married now and has an adorable kid, so I sent a friend request and did the standard catching up once he accepted it. A few months later he unfriended me with no explanation. I cannot help feeling that there was some exchange with his wife wherein she asked who I was and he explained and she decided we should not be friends, possibly because I am a trollop. It sort of makes me laugh (because I give him a pass for being young and stupid, but he was a horrible boyfriend in so many ways) that I would appear to be a threat to anyone in this situation, but I realized a long time ago that I often just do not get people. So.
Let’s move on to my college boyfriend, the one I ended up with after Otto rebuffed my advances so many times! (Kidding, Honey!) (But not really!)
Was I not adorable and practically fetal when I graduated from college? I think I was.
The fella in the picture (let’s call him PB, though hang on for the explanation) was my boyfriend for the last couple years of college. He was from the town where we went to school and we hung out with his family a lot. I grew quite close to his mother, though she once invited me over for a “girls’ lunch” and took that opportunity to tell me that she felt that PB’s and my relationship wasn’t staying as Godly as it should, and it was my responsibility as the female in the couple to put a stop to it, because men can’t help it. (SWEARTOGOD.) After I collected my jaw back off the floor, I told her that I enjoyed her friendship very much but that what PB and I did in private wasn’t anyone else’s business, even hers.
And then we awkwardly sipped our iced tea for a few minutes and I waited for a hole in earth to open up and swallow me, but it didn’t happen.
The assumption was that we were headed for marriage.
Now, it’s not that our relationship was without issues. We had some, sure. Most notably, it seemed that PB’s previous girlfriend had been very possessive, and so—even though I’m not the jealous sort—PB went to great pains early on to make it clear that he would often need his own time and space, and we wouldn’t be seeing each other every night, etc. That was fine with me, although he sometimes insisted he needed “a night at home alone” when we’d made plans.
In fact, here’s where Otto and PB overlap: One night our campus movie theater was showing—I hope you’re sitting down—a 3D porno. Which I thought was the most hilarious thing I’d ever heard in my life. I told PB I wanted to go see it; wouldn’t it be a hoot? I’d never seen any porn before and figured the most ridiculous offering possible, in our campus theater instead of some skeevy Adult Bookstore, would be the way to check it out. PB said okay, we could go. But then he called me a few hours beforehand to say he had too much work to do and he needed to stay in the lab and study.
I was disappointed. I tried to tell him he could work the next day, but no, he said he had stuff he HAD to finish. Okay. But then Otto called me and asked if I was going. I told him I’d been planning on it but now PB couldn’t go, and I certainly wasn’t going alone. Otto said no problem, a friend and I are going, we’ll come pick you up. See you soon.
I called PB and let him know, and I’m pretty sure he gave birth to live kittens. I thought what I said was “Given that you’ve decided you can’t go, I’m going with a couple of friends instead,” but I think what he heard was “Given that you’ve decided you can’t go, I’ve decided to head to the theater naked and give blowjobs to anyone who asks.” He argued with me. He begged me not to go. I was completely baffled.
And the next thing I knew, PB—who previously couldn’t manage to take the evening off—was pacing my apartment and insisting I not leave when Otto and his friend showed up. I gave in and didn’t go. I cannot remember what explanation PB offered beyond feeling that it was inappropriate for me to go, and I remember being pissed that he didn’t trust me, but we continued to date.
Things came to a head shortly after graduation. We were both working at the university for the summer. I would work for a year, then go to grad school. But PB planned to stay in town indefinitely, and subtle hints gave way to outright demands that I not plan to leave, either. I didn’t need grad school! I was just going to be his wife and the plan was to settle down right here! It didn’t take many of those conversations before I was forced to break out a carefully rehearsed “We clearly want different things and I am not ready to give up my plans for someone else” speech.
PB was devastated. He begged me to reconsider. I apologized, but told him I needed my space. He showed up back on my doorstep the next day with an engagement ring. We could fix this, he said. He knew he had made a lot of mistakes. He would change. Why, he’d start right then. And then—I wish I was making this up—he opened up his wallet and withdrew a video rental card. The card went to one of those Adult Bookstores; as I stared at him, uncomprehending, he dramatically ripped the card in half while confessing that all of those “evenings to himself” had been spent watching porn and he was through. Then he tried to give me the ring. Because the only thing a woman wants to hear more than “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” is “I’m addicted to porn but now that I said I’ll stop you should want to marry me.” PB = Porn Boy.
[Side note: I wonder how all of that might’ve gone down if the Internet had existed back then. He probably could’ve watched a lot more porn, and maybe stupid me would’ve figured it out a little sooner, huh?]
Needless to say, I declined his generous offer.
And I never did see that 3D porno film, either.
No, none of this has anything to do with anything, but I feel inexplicably better, sharing the ridiculousness with you, anyway.
Thanks for sharing the funny! I think we all have those photos from the past that make us question what we were thinking, fashion-wise, don’t we?
Those are some creepy clown face disguises!
This is what youth is for. To make mistakes. And to laugh at them later. Also, so you can tell your kids exactly what not to do.
Awesome post, Mir. Also, you are so pretty! (Even in shoulder pads.)
What a great find! and great stories too. What a pretty girl!
This made my weekend. I love youthful you, and wish you’d seen the 3-d porno!
Do you think PB looks so sad in that graduation photo because the ceremony was keeping him from some hot video action?
For the record, I have never seen a 3D porn video either, and in fact did not know they were a thing. Your blog is a true public service that entertains andl informs at the same time!
Those shoulder pads are starring in their own movie and gave you no credit, what so ever.
Did Otto and his friend enjoy the 3D porn?
I have an equally ridiculous senior prom dress. In yellow. With shoulder pads that should have a zip code of their own.
Wow, I’m glad I’m not the only one who dated a lot of weird clowns. (They even looked a lot alike! ;) )
I was so afraid that PB was going to be “peanut butter” and THAT would’ve been another story altogether (although, perhaps, similarly related?) I also thought you were going to go to the porno movie, and he’d be there with another girl. (Maybe his plan was was going by himself, which is even sadder, knowing the real story.) I think his mom needed to realize that he didn’t even need a real woman, apparently. Why go to a porno with your girlfriend when you can watch one alone?!
So, have you looked PB up on Facebook? ;)
Yes, but is one required to wear goofy glasses during the 3-D porn? And I obviously went to the Prudish NoFunStupid University because all we had were boring symposiums on cultural diversity.
My family inadvertently found the perfect way to get me to never try drugs. EVER. My uncle died of a drug overdose when I was nine and it scared the shit out of me. I grew up thinking all drugs (including alcohol and cigarettes) would kill me. Not the healthiest approach, perhaps, but REALLY effective.
I will never look at the abbreviation PB the same again.
Oh it’s great to see your pictures from the ‘just after we knew each other the first time” days! The PB story is hard to top.
My Norwegian friends and colleagues are ok, but wow, that was a shocker. I’m thinking that I won’t be on the road for the next month.
I think it is EXTREMELY possible that you made the right decision in turning down his marriage proposal.
Awesome stories. I thought he was going to have been the STAR of the 3D porn and that was why he didn’t want you to go. Maybe it was just an aspiration, as yet unmet. After the story though, his hand draped over your shoulder seemed much much creepier.
Now that Jessica in comment 10 mentions it – Did Otto go, and did he see PB there? That would explain the inexplicable reaction (for me, at least).
Otto did go, and in retrospect I believe PB just didn’t want his love of porn and his relationship with me to overlap. PB didn’t go. I guess he preferred his VCR.
That was snort-inducing. Particularly the line “what he heard was ‘Given that youâ€™ve decided you canâ€™t go, Iâ€™ve decided to head to the theater naked and give blowjobs to anyone who asks.'” Hmm, yep, think I would’ve turned that ring down too.
What my darling wife and long-time friend left out was what transpired when my friend and I arrived at her apartment. She only opened the door a little and quietly said she couldn’t go. Because we were young and obnoxious and it would be weird for two guys to go see a 3D porn film together, we started giving her a hard time.
Eventually, PB came over to the door and, in a tone most accurately described as uneducated neanderthalic, said, “I just need to spend some time with her.” To which my friend, the less restrained of us, said, “What is she, a damned casserole?”
Thus began a habit of naming all of our friend’s significant others after food items. Oddly, our friendship took a decade long hiatus when he pressed me on what his girlfriend would be and I said … frozen broccoli.
I don’t like broccoli, in case you didn’t know, and lost a great friend. But I’m really happy with my casserole, so I think it all worked out.
Ha. What does it say about me that my very first thought was that PB obviously meant porn boy? (Yet, it took me a minute to figure out why the first guy was wearing a mask when you were so dressed up. – reading on my phone, I’m going to go with that.)
First — how is it that you looked that grown up in your prom picture. I looked 12 and perhaps wearing someone else’s dress. However, I fear your date might have had a glandular problem — just saying ;)
And….um, I’m never going to be able to sign an e-mail to you again — now that my benign monogram of Peanut Butter is going to forever be Porn Boy. Wow, and to think Porn Boy could have been your ex-husband! (Because we all know you’d have ended up with Otto in the end — no matter what.)
So, things I must know — will Otto do a review of said 3D porno? Why is broccoli bad (I get that he doesn’t like it) but casserole is good? Does Otto have a thing for foods with Cream of Mushroom soup? Finally, how is it possible that you passed over these fine examples of manhood for your actual ex?
So happy that Otto finally stopped rebuffing your advances.
That green dress is really ugly but you are so pretty in that picture.
I have never even heard of 3D porn and you definitely should have gone and now I’ve just read poor Otto’s comment that he had to miss it, too.
I cannot believe the guy that made you and Otto miss 3D porn turned out to be a porn addict. It’s just not right.
WHOA! Didn’t expect that reveal at the end. And yeah, who in the world would propose by admitting to a porn habit. OTOH, what are the chances he really did change after that?
I have a couple of doozies, too, one of which is a guy whose very apt name was Wookie. Ick. Glad we move past those guys, and find prince charming. Otto is wonderful, it’s clear.
Am I a bad person if I admit that I actually feel better now? I mean the whole Norway thing just baffles me; these people engage in excruciating sports (cycling, cross-country skiing) despite living in a land where they get 2 hours of daylight in the winter. At least I’m not the only one at a loss on this one. As for the whole boyfriend thing, let’s just say that the one very long term relationship I had before I met the spouse was with someone who I now usually think of as SFB (aka Shit For Brains – of course, clearly I wasn’t a rocket scientist to stay with him as long as I did…). You definitely dodged a bullet with PB! ;-)
Hee! Make sure to get a couple more ready for the next crappy day, these are hilarious (in retrospect, of course, I’m sure they weren’t THEN), If you run out, I’m sure you could get plenty of stories from random guest writers! ;-D
Hmmm… over a year of my pre-marriage life was spent breathlessly (and relentlessly) chasing after one poor guy only to realize finally that a) he wasn’t attractive, b) he wasn’t nearly as clever as he thought he was and c) I was only chasing out of habit and out of the conviction that I had put so much effort into it I couldn’t stop now. Totally shaming. I think your stories show you in a MUCH better light.
Note to self: dig out that stupid picture of Teh Boy and immediately photoshop a variety of interesting heads onto it.
Oh, thank you for sharing this. I loved reading it :)
But Otto, what was your take on the 3D porno?
I wonder how long it was after you left PB with his torn video membership card before he frantically started searching for the scotch tape.
Thank you Mir. That truly did cheer me right up.
Um…wow. I hope it’s not wrong that I’m laughing at you, well, you and PB. Of course. I have questions now: Did you go to school in New Orleans or Vegas? Because you jumped from Sister Wife to 3D porn1 (Said with love). Also, they make 3D porn?! I just can’t even imagine. What exactly is 3D? Why? Why was the University showing this? Did people eat snacks during the show? So. Many. Questions.
I think we definitely all want a movie review from Otto. I was going to say, “If he remembers it’ but then I though, WHO could possibly forget 3D p0rn? I mean, really.
I’m still giggling over the idea of not only a 3D porno but one being offered at your college?? HA ! Rather ironic that porn boy was the one to make you miss the 3D porno.. some luck, huh? lol!
Well, that does make me feel better to know I’m not the only one to have dated ridiculous men. My taste in men keeps deteriorating instead of improving, though. Not sure what’s up with that. Sadly, there’s no Otto in my past to rescue me from myself. I’m pretty sure I’ve dated your dates’ brothers though. Strong physical resemblance, especially around the ears.
I can’t wait to see your post on the search results that bring people to your website based on this post. :)
HILARIOUS!! Seriously, you never cease to amaze me … and the only thing funnier than your post were the COMMENTS! What a great laugh. Thanks a bunch!
That dress IS mature. Way, way TOO mature. Several decades too mature. Though you do look extremely happy and glowing there, actually.
too funny – what a great way to start my day….. “PB” — ha ha ha. Thank god you dumped him!!!
Just a couple of things…seeing as how I do infrequently see you IRL, I just have to say, you look exactly the same as you did at prom! Not in a, you need to update your wardrobe way, but in a wowza you still look so young!
And second, just think how much you missed out by not seeing that 3D porno. As a matter of fact, I think that you need to rectify that situation right away. Weren’t you just touting 3D televisions on Want Not? I’m pretty sure that these tv’s were created just so that people could watch porn in 3D!
Dude. DUDE. Even as I’m reading that he showed you the card to the Adult Bookstore, I STILL DIDN’T GET IT. I was like, “Did he get her a membership? Can you even GET a membership to an Adult Bookstore? Did he think she was still disappointed about missing the 3D porn? WHA?”
So. I felt a bit like I was realizing it along with you. That was funny.
Also? I think it is maybe even harder to find out about porn addictions now that we all have Internet access. I could be wrong, but that’s my sense.
I don’t even GET the casserole comment. Do people…spend time with their casserole?
OMG I’m so sorry I missed this on Saturday! My DD called from her dad’s house sobbing hysterically and begged me to come pick her up. 3-D porn stories is just what I needed. :)
Tee and hee!! I’m no porn afficionado by any means, but what I”ve seen of it is very male-centric and has WAAAA too many close ups of hairy balls and ass gape. The thought of some skanky dude’s ginormous peen coming at me (no pun intended) in 3D franky scares the SHIT outta me!!! The balls would appear gargantuan and even more menacing!
This is the stuff of nightmares, truly. :)
P.S. I’m guessing that for PB, the Jelly in PB&J is KY!!!
Are you sure PB didn’t become a congressman? snort