With everything else that’s been going on, I forgot to tell you the MOST EXCITING NEWS EVER about my new eye doctor. I know, you thought today was going to be a boring old Monday and here I am with this SCINTILLATING story. Because everyone knows that eye doctor visits are the stuff legends are made of! Yes!!
Okay, maybe not. But I did go to a new eye doctor.
I hadn’t been in over three years, if you don’t count my last few sorry attempts to wear contact lenses. I figured I’d learned my lesson that score, anyway; I just wanted to get an updated prescription and some new glasses.
I picked a nearby optical place I’d heard good things about, and went in for my appointment. It didn’t start off well; someone called my name and brought me back into a room and started adjusting things and telling me to look here and look there and give her my glasses, and she never introduced herself. I am definitely becoming southern because I was kind of offended by that. Bless her heart.
So this unnamed person who I assumed was the doctor I was seeing did some stuff and THEN she straightened up and said “Dr. Eyeball will be right with you!” and scampered off, so at least it wasn’t the doctor who was without manners.
I sat in the exam room for quite a while, trying to be patient. I checked my email on my phone. I played solitaire (also on my phone; it’s not like I spread out a deck of cards on the floor or anything). I read the posters scattered around and stared at the ceiling. Eventually Dr. Eyeball appeared.
She was very nice. She conducted the exam and informed me that my prescription had indeed changed a little bit, and I was right, my computer glasses aren’t strong enough anymore. I joked about how spending 12+ hours at my desk every day is probably not doing my vision any favors, and she assured me that my work habits have nothing to do with it, it’s just that I’m getting old. (HAHAHA. HA. Ha. Hmph.)
Then she said she needed to check my eyes for glaucoma. “Oh, do you use one of those air-puff thingies?” I asked, full of trepidation, because I’m the twitchy idiot who cannot keep her chin in the little cup for that test, because I really do not enjoy having a puff of air squirted into my eye.
“Oh no, we don’t do it that way,” she assured me. “We just use this meter!” She held up something that looked very much like one of those electronic forehead thermometers on steroids. “It measures the ocular pressure much more precisely.”
“And you… put that… in front of my eye?” I asked.
“We use a numbing eye drop, and then place it on the hydrating membrane,” she said.
“You are going to numb my eyeballs and then touch my eye with that,” I clarified.
“Well, sort of,” she admitted. “But we only touch it to the outer membrane!”
“I feel strongly that the ‘outer membrane’ is indeed PART OF MY EYEBALL, but okay,” I said.
She put in the numbing drops. They stung, at first, but then… then I felt like I was losing my mind. Because I could FEEL my eyeballs with my eyelids, but I couldn’t feel them, themselves. IT WAS CREEPY. And then Dr. Eyeball was putting that thing DIRECTLY INTO MY EYE SOCKETS and I couldn’t feel it, not really. I mean, I could feel a little pressure, I guess?
OH MY GOD, you guys, I just figured out what it felt like. It was like she gave my eyeballs an epidural. FREAKY.
Anyway, my eyeball pressure is exemplary (go, me!) and I was dismissed to go out to the optician area to look for some new frames. Except I still couldn’t feel my eyeballs, and my eyes were all bloodshot (possibly because she’d just drugged them and them beaten them with a glaucoma stick thing), and every time I shifted my gaze it felt weird, and every pair of glasses I tried on, I was all, “I can’t tell! My eyes feel weird! I can’t move my eyes! I mean, I can, but they’re WEIRD FEELING! WHEN DOES IT STOP??” After about ten minutes it wore off, thank God.
I found one pair of frames I liked. Of course, I needed a second pair, because I need a regular pair and a computer pair. So as I continued looking I mentioned to the optician that I’ve never been able to tolerate contacts but I really wish I could. Dr. Eyeball was passing through when I said this.
“Have you ever tried dailies?” she asked. I shook my head. “Oh, you should! I can get you some samples. Come back over here when you’re done.”
I tried on every pair of glasses in the place and finally agreed to order the one pair I’d found, and to wait for some other frame the optician thought I might like to look at for my other glasses. The total on the first pair caused me to have a small aneurysm, but I bravely went back into the exam room to potentially spend even more money, anyway.
“You’ve worn contacts before?” Dr. Eyeball asked.
“A few times, but I never tolerate them well. I have really dry eyes.”
“Well, I think you’ll like these. The trial packs come with five pairs, but I think you need at least a week to see how you do, so here’s ten days worth. Go ahead and put them in.
I inserted a pair and let her check my eyes and then went on my merry way.
It turns out that I can very nearly tolerate the dailies. I can wear them for about 12 hours, which isn’t 16, true, but it’s pretty good. Certainly that’s a useful thing for those occasions when I would like to shed my regular specs. So I went online to price out the dailies and try to figure out how many I’d want to order, given that I don’t plan to wear them every day.
I think the idea behind the dailies is that they justify the higher cost by saying, “But you don’t have to buy solution for them! So really, this is the same price, practically!” And really, it would be more honest for them to say, “But you don’t have to buy solution for them! Or pesky bits of gold leaf! So when you just buy these, really, it’s the same price as all of that!” The dailies are expensive, is my point. But I’m not going to wear them every day, so I used my deal-finding powers and ordered three months’ worth (which will be, for me, a year’s worth) online, the day after I bough the first pair of glasses.
Then the next day I went back and bought a second pair of glasses. I didn’t like the frames the optician wanted me to look at, so because I am incredibly boring and really liked the frames I’d already picked, I just had them order me another set of those in another color. Done.
So, I have two new pairs of glasses and a year’s supply of contact lenses. Now I just have to hope I don’t die any time soon, because I spent all of the money I was supposed to leave to the kids. And I still need some decent non-prescription sunglasses.
My eyes are complicated.