Don’t worry; I’m a professional

By Mir
October 2, 2010

You’ll have to forgive me for being a little bit giddy, today. My children are away. My husband is away. I’ve had the ENTIRE DAY to myself and I hardly knew what to do first. I ended up going “out for coffee” quickly… you know, for nearly three hours. Can’t do that when the family is around! And then I went to Goodwill, with all the other party animals. And finally, I’ve spent some serious quality time petting the dog, doing laundry, and catching up on America’s Next Top Model. (Spoiler alert! Jaslene won cycle 8! I had no idea. Even though they’re on… what… cycle 15?) (It’s like I just emerged from my cave, blinking into the sunlight.)

The point is, when my mind is idle like this, I really can’t be held responsible for my thoughts, you know. I’m pretty sure that’s a law.

Which is why it seemed like a perfect time to go poking around in my visitor logs, just so that I could bask in the narcissistic glow of my far-reaching wisdom. I mean, people are coming here for solutions to serious issues. And I never, ever let them down. Because I’m a giver that way.

Also, it’s going to be a while before I find out who won ANTM in cycle 9, and I needed a giggle in the meantime.

You searched for: lysol grass
I can tell you that: Grass is not one of the current Lysol scents. Because that would be weird. Or did you want to spray Lysol ON the grass? Because that would be even weirder.

You searched for: lysol and dogs
I can tell you that: Lysol doesn’t come in dog scent, either. And if you’re spraying Lysol on your dogs I kind of want to come over there and “clean your teeth” for you. I’ll do it JUST LIKE Licorice’s vet did, okay?

You searched for: very tired when stoned
I can tell you that: That sounds like a personal problem. (I’m not sure how this leads you here, by the way. For a minute I thought maybe I had a more interesting past than I remembered.)

You searched for: maryland hoppy bugs
I can tell you that: I have never lived in Maryland, and I pretty much hate all bugs. Even though “hoppy” ones sound kind of cheerful.

You searched for: lucky jeans costco real
I can tell you that: ZOMG DOES COSTCO CARRY LUCKYS??? (I don’t have a local Costco. Still bitter.)

You searched for: gluten free sleepover
I can tell you that: Those are SUPER complicated. When Chickadee’s BFF (who has Celiac) is here, it’s really kind of awful. I mean, any other time, we all just roll around in pretzels and fill the pool with cupcakes. When she’s here we have to find something else to do. SUCH a bummer.

You searched for: intermittent beeping house help
I can tell you that: I feel your pain, and you are not imagining it. Unless you’re crazy.

You searched for: rock do it rock do it i like a star
I can tell you that: Oooooooookay…?

You searched for: squirrel eating deck
I can tell you that: You too??? Stupid squirrels.

You searched for: font of information
I can tell you that: You found me! And I’m humble, too.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go get out the air popper. Licorice wants some popcorn. Paaaaaaaarty time!


  1. frogmama

    I always crack up when I see what people search. There are a lot of nutsos out there. Lysol grass?

  2. hokgardner

    My husband and kids are gone, too. And I spent the day watching real-life crime dramas and folding laundry. It was divine.

  3. E's Mommy

    Costco does carry Lucky jeans sometimes, but don’t feel too jealous because their price is only slightly (very slightly) less ridiculous than what they cost in the department stores.

  4. Heather

    Haha sounds like you’re having a wild night out there, Mir ;)

  5. meghann

    I think the weirdest one I ever got for my blog was “Walking on dead fish”. I don’t even know where to begin on that one.

  6. Jeanette

    Swimming in a pool of cupcakes…aahhh. I can tell you that Maryland hoppy bugs are also known as cave crickets-not so cheerful.

  7. Pats

    Last month I had a WHOLE WEEKEND to myself. I did all the stupid little things that I never do when the family is home. And I got the remote alllllll to myself. Wooooo hooooo!

  8. Half Assed Kitchen

    Even though I think you were being sarcastic, I always fear that people are bummed when we actually show up for a party and they have to deal with our food allergies.

    [Ed. note: Yes, I was, and those people are tools. Nothing makes me happier than being able to accommodate a guest, provided I have some advance notice!]

  9. Sheila

    Hello. I am here looking for the pool full of cupcakes. Is this the right place?

  10. Sheila

    P.S. I brought my own fork.

  11. Otto

    If we’re going to fill the pool with cupcakes again, we’re going to need a bigger mixer. You burned up the Oster and I had to get you that KitchenAid, which still really isn’t enough.

    Can I recommend a Seedburo Giant Whirlwind Mixer, model 4934V?

    If that doesn’t work, we could look at a Cleveland Tank Car Mixer, though then we’d have to run some railroad tracks through the easement … bet the permitting on that would be brutal …


  12. addy

    OK the dog gets a little odiferous sometimes – but Lysol? No, no don’t think so. Can I come swim in the pool of cupcakes? I love cupcakes……. enjoy your well-deserved alone time

  13. Katrina

    Coffee, Goodwilling, tv shows I can’t watch when my kids are around? Sounds like a perfect day!

  14. Brigitte

    Now I tried to Google “Lysol grass” to see if I can decipher just what in heck was actually being looked for. No luck. Maybe they want a really sanitary lawn?

  15. Burgh Baby

    You should be jealous of the Costco thing, but not because of the Lucky jeans. When Stein Mart has them they’re cheaper there. By a lot. (And you don’t have to pay an annual fee to get it. WIN!)

  16. Tracy B

    Otto—cracks me up! I would love to see the pool full of cupcakes. I would love to see anything full of cupcakes. I really want a cupcake.

  17. karen

    cupcake pool, huh?….

    lysol grass,… tired when stoned… Intermittent house beeping!

    I’ve not submerged myself deeply enough into your archives, clearly!

  18. Shelley

    I checked mine to see what the strangest search terms I had. Yesterday, I had “my niece has a great ass.” What are these people actually searching for? What tags have I put in place to attract these types people? It’s funny though.

  19. Laura

    I found you due to lung fungus and I have been a loyal follower ever since. I kid you not. You had a post called ” A Cup of Tea and some Lung Fungus” or something like that, and I was so curious that I had to click on the link. I could explain why I googled the term lung fungus, but I think it’s more fun just to let you wonder…. (The real explanation isn’t particularly thrilling anyway.)

    Anyway Mir, you had me at: “Lung Fungus.”

  20. Katie in MA

    Oh, if only Licorice knew how to read. Otto’s comment would blow her little mind. “Is…he…SERIOUS? Please oh please ohpleasepleaseplease!”

  21. joaaanna

    I read ‘squirrel eating deck’ as ‘squirrel-eating deck’ as in a deck that eats squirrels.

    And since the squirrels in my neighborhood completely rape my pear and apple trees (and that just distracts them from the garden briefly), I would be VERY interested in how to train my deck to eat the squirrels.

    Sorry. I’m weird.

  22. justaub

    ok…a little late to this one and probably will be the nerdy, yes-we-all-knew-and-didn’t-really-need-you-to-translate poster but…

    Lysol does actually get out grass stains (sometimes)…I am guessing this was what the search was for (or not)

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