The best whines are ones wrapped up by an incontrovertible statement of pitifulness, one you cannot help but grant an immediate and full free Pass To Wallow on, as it were. So for a week if I need to complain about anything, I’m sure to tie it all up with a simple, “… and I can’t sleep because of the stupid Prednisone!” Because how could you possibly argue with me THEN? You can’t. Because I’m simply TOO PATHETIC. You wouldn’t argue with a woman suffering from steroid insomnia unless you were some sort of MONSTER.
This is a skill I’ve passed along to my children. Monkey—Literal Boy that he is—often changes it into something along the lines of “… because I’m JUST PITIFUL,” figuring why bother for imagery when one could get right to the heart of the matter. Chickadee, on the other hand, will highlight any little thing (“… and I have a little pimple RIGHT HERE!”) as proof that her life is tragic beyond compare and she requires your immediate pity. That’s my girl.
Anyway, I do believe we’ve reached the zenith of the Pity Olympics, this week.
Yesterday was just a case of colossally bad timing, really. Somehow I managed to schedule doctors’ appointments for both kids at the same time on opposite ends of town. Oops. I was also swamped with work, still not feeling particularly great, Otto’s car is in the shop, and we’re still watching for signs that the dog was scarred for life.
[Digression: Licorice seems pretty amused by all of the attention she’s getting. Yesterday she was maybe a little sleepier than usual, and maybe she seemed to spend a little more time licking her chops—wondering why on earth her mouth feels different, one presumes—but it does turn out that she’s nothing if not resilient. Now if only I could get the kids to stop pretending to make her yell at me, that would be awesome. Because pretty much no matter what I do, one of them pipes up in a high-pitched whine, “Hey! WAITAMINUTE! WHERE ARE MY TEETH???” Sure, super-amusing the first fifteen times, but still….]
Well, we sort of worked it out; I picked up both kids, dispatched one, continued on to the second appointment with the other, and Otto managed to swoop in for the pick-up and still make it to the chiropractor afterward. I, on the other hand, got stranded in Doctor Office Hell, because the FANTABULOUS staff at this particular office just… forgot we were there. After an hour of waiting I went back up to the desk and they were all, “You…? We…? Oh, we are SO sorry.” No explanation other than “we forgot.” These are the people to whom I trust my children’s health! Awesome!
By the time everyone was back home, it was clear that we’d also forgotten to figure out dinner, so it became one of those “I am going to solve this problem by throwing money at it” evenings, and the children were delighted when pizza showed up at our door. Still, it was a mad dash for the rest of the evening, because the kids had to eat! And finish homework! And shower! And it was garbage night! And everyone was feeling very! stressed!!
And do you know what else? MY DOG IS TOOTHLESS.
See, there’s nowhere more pitiful to go, anymore. Arguing about whose turn it is to take out the trash? Yeah, well, MY DOG HAS NO TEETH ANYMORE. (Proper response: Hey, neither does my dog. Wait, we have the same dog, dummy. Mooooom!) You had to fight through rush hour traffic to get to your appointment? Well they completely FORGOT us at our appointment, plus MY DOG IS TOOTHLESS, HAVE I MENTIONED? You were nearly late for the chiropractor? Well I didn’t get adjusted this week at all, AND MY! DOG! HAS! NO! TEETH!
Licorice Puppyhead, turned into a yardstick for all which is sad and pitiful in the world. (When asked for a comment on this unexpected turn of events, she merely muttered something about looking for her teeth. Very curious.)
This is all a very long way of saying:
1) Nothing very interesting happened yesterday, which was actually FINE, on account of the day before it was really all the excitement I can stand for a while, thanks,
2) In case you haven’t been keeping up over at Want Not, I am currently asking for votes for Want Not to hopefully secure an invitation to a conference for frugal bloggers, and while I dislike having to grub for votes, I would be perfectly happy to explain to you at length why I truly deserve this opportunity, you know, on account of my tireless work over at Want Not, my dedication to saving money, and (of course) the fact that MY DOG IS NOW TOOTHLESS.
Seriously, don’t make me show you that pitiful stoned-doggie picture again. Just vote, if you would. My toothless dog and I thank you.
Voted! Because you’re so pitiful!
How can you not vote, after all that pitifulness. In other news, I have a 1 year old I need to loan out for awhile – since you can’t sleep at night and all, it’ll be perfect. Cause she apparently doesn’t like to sleep and likes to cuddle instead. So I think you’d be a match made in Heaven.
How often can we vote for you? I voted once when you first mentioned it, but wasn’t sure if that was the limit.
From now on, I’m saying I picked up the “I’m pitiful” defense from you. I’m always pitiful but have nothing to back it up with. Now I have an excuse: blog transference!
I’ve never had a dog but if their long term memories are anything like cats, she’ll prob’ly be forgetting what happened to her just about…. NOW!!!!!!!
Oh dear…you blogged about it being too quiet. Don’t worry – karma knows your puppy has! no! teeth! and that you are just the right amount of pitiful. Not sure if I should send you wishes of another quiet day, or for something bloggable-yet-delightful to happen. :)
I voted, but because you are shiny, and pretty and I covet your hair (we always want what we can’t have…) NOT because your dog has no teeth! PS Since dogs, unlike their wolf cousins, have no need to tear apart once living animals, I believe front teeth are superfluous. I’ve never had a dog that did anything other than inhale their food with a passing swipe at it with the back chewing surfaces. Hope she keeps improving!
Voted because YOUR DOG HAS NOTEETH and you deserve it..the vote not the toothless dog. Now, laugh!
I already voted but it won’t let me vote anymore. I tried logging on to my co-workers’ computers but that didn’t go very well…
I’m afraid all of this TOOTHLESS business is just bringing to mind the dragon. I mean, they’re both black! And affectionate! And…technically, the dragon still has its teeth in the movie, but it really is toothless in the book, so there.
This is the time to take some advise from Garrison Keillor and have a big slice of be-bop-a-ree-bop rhubarb pie. Out of pity of course.
You dog doesn’t even need teeth to chew it.
Steroid induced humiliation is a bummer.
I just voted..twice..I think. Hope you win! Because you ROCK!
I can’t believe you waited an hour at the doctor’s office before showing your face again to the staff. I will sit right there by the front desk and after 15 minutes do my “I’m checking my watch. Do you know what time it is?!” dance.
Anyhow, I’m off to vote for you.
If only you had some good reason for me to feel sorry for you, like if your dog were toothless.
Already voted simply AGES ago, and rumor has it that you can only vote once. Too bad, as you are extra pitiful this week, what with your TOOTHLESS DOG and all.
Pish and tosh on the toothless dog. My OH YEAH. WELL I ALMOST DIED!!!! card is still good for four more months.
But I am sending to Scott to vote, because the dog tooth thing MUST be getting to me somehow, in spite of the fact that, HEY! I ALMOST DIED.
I’m going to (pardon the pun) throw the receptionist at the doctor’s office a bone. Or 12. Because receptionists are the busiest freakin’ people in the office. Believe me. I am one. And I have forgotten people before. I think I’m 3 for 3 (3 patients forgotten, 3 years that I’ve worked there) … One per year that’s not TOO bad, right?
It happens like this: 15 bazillion people show up at the front desk to sign in to see their doctor all at the same time, while you’re talking on the phone to another patient who has called for a prescription refill. The patient on the phone needs ALL of their prescriptions filled because they ran out yesterday and forgot to call till today and they need them called into the pharmacy 12 hours ago because they missed their morning doses. And no they don’t know the names of their scripts, nor the strength. And they use CVS. The one in x-city. Where there are 18 CVS’s. You should have all that information RIGHT in front of you (TIC) because you are a superwoman. In the meantime, the people have signed in. The ones running 90 minutes early, the ones running right on time, and the ones who have arrived 45 minutes late. So you go down the list – Call up patient A who is 45 minutes late – reschedule because the doctor has a 20 minute window in which he will see late patients. And this patient obviously didn’t get there in time. But wait – they HAVE to be seen NOW because they are the ONLY patient in the world! And so you have to leave your desk and talk to the medical assistant, who has to bug the doctor while he’s in an exam room with another patient. And you get “OK, yes, I need to see him” – so you check him in. and get his new insurance cards – and have to log into the insurance websites to verify and get the copay and yay! Finally that patient can go back. Then you see on the list that the patient who is 90 minutes early is a new patient. And has to fill out paperwork and hand in her insurance cards and picture ID, and didn’t know you that I had my records sent over from my old doctor already? Don’t you have them? Where are they? Can you please call and find out where they are? And eventually get them all taken care of. And you sharpie out all the names on your list and answer another phone call from the 5 that are backed up waiting to be answered. And then YOU walk up – and say you’ve been waiting an hour and haven’t been called back… and then I feel like the worst person in the world.
throw her a bone ;)
and your doggie has no TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!!!