I feel it of the utmost importance to let you know that my trip here was uneventful, save for one little thing. See, I was pulled out of the security line and made to pose in one of those new-fangled full body scanners, and that was of course delightful, because POSING is truly what you’re instructed to do—legs apart, arms over your head, hands cupped slightly as if you’re going for a high football pass—while everyone else in line watches you and the guards keep saying, just a little bit longer, ma’am.
But AFTER the scan a burly female guard made me stand in a designated square while she snapped on a pair of gloves, and when she asked how I was doing, I said it depended on what the gloves were for. She laughed, and then proceeded to feel all around my belly and carefully sort of wipe down my hip bones before letting me go.
This, to me, proves two things: First, that my killer hipbones really are as dangerous as they sound, and second, that the full body scanner is clearly an elaborate ruse, because WHY ON EARTH would you need to pat down someone whom you’ve just xrayed?? I swear I left my lead pants at home.