I’ve been mildly ill for, oh, I don’t know… a month? Close to a month. Just sort of generally crappy-feeling. Tired. Blecky. (That’s a scientific term, by the way.) Sore throat. And then this weird thing where biting down on my left side caused pain to shoot through my jaw and into my ear.
So I did the logical thing, which was to go see my doctor. Except not really; it took me a month to go see my doctor, during which time I just chewed on the right and complained a lot.
But after basically laying around like a dying swan for most of the weekend, Otto insisted I go to the doctor, so I did. I was beginning to suspect I had mono, actually, on account of the fact that I suffer from Munchausen’s By Internet. Because Kira had mono without realizing it and someday I hope to be as cool as she is. And in the meantime, I’m highly suggestible.
So I went to the doctor and I said, “Hey, I feel gross. And I can’t chew on the left, because it hurts, but I grind my teeth at night and have a little TMJ, so it’s probably just that, and also my throat hurts, which is probably just allergies, and speaking of allergies, do you see how my weird eyelid eczema seems to be back for some reason, too? I’m kind of a mess.” The doctor waited for me to finish and then patted my knee in a way that may or may not have conveyed, “There, there. Have you considered Valium?”
Her diagnosis: TMJ. And also an (unrelated) virus. And allergies, yes. She decided to put me on another course of Prednisone, both to knock out the eczema and because it would likely take down the swelling in my jaw and solve the whole not-being-able-to-chew-on-the-left problem. I’m on my own for the sore throat, I guess, though she didn’t object when I suggested that ice cream was probably the best treatment for that, so there you go. [Related: We are reviving Five Full Plates this week, with new fitness challenges, and after being so good and virtuous and losing 12 pounds and exercising daily I have stopped exercising and started gaining the weight back because 1) I love ice cream, 2) exercise is stupid and 3) I am a self-sabotaging moron. So. tune in over there for Renewed Fitness Commitments, Now With More Bitching!]
Anyway. Good God, I should not be allowed to take Prednisone. It makes me mental. MentalER. More mental? I can’t sleep, and while I generally don’t see myself as suffering from ADHD, my attention span on Prednisone is whittled down to tiny snapshots of alternating amusement and white hot annoyance. I am a joy to be around, is my point.
This all also made me ripe for the following:
THERE’s your problem!
Hey, guess what the vet figured out! After listening to the whole history of Licorice and the Barftastic Meds, for the first time in the entire year we’ve owned her (and several rounds of problems with meds), the vet we don’t usually see (there are two in the practice) pointed out that BOTH the flea med AND the heartworm med can cause stomach upset, and it’s probably giving them TOGETHER that’s making her sick. OH, I said. And it’s true that the one time we split the flea med in half and gave it at a different time than the heartworm med, she tolerated it just fine. Problem solved; she took the flea med on a different day with no problems. I am only a little bitter about how long it took for us to reach this conclusion.
Twice the barking!
We are dogsitting for the friend who kept Licorice earlier this summer when we went on our cruise. I’m pretty sure that Nicky is the world’s lowest-maintenance dog, and she’s very sweet, so having her is really no bother at all. HOWEVER, Licorice is being a jealous bitch. If I pet Nicky, Licorice will WALK ON NICKY’S HEAD if necessary to assert her ownership of me and the fact that I should be petting HER, instead. If a noise outside causes Nicky to perk up and “woof!” just a little, Licorice releases a stream of barking usually reserved for the UPS guy, after which one of us is apt to add “I say it louder” (ala Flo in the Progressive Insurance commercials).
Also? Nicky is a Heavy Breather. And both dogs follow me wherever I go, then flop on the floor and go to sleep. While Nicky breathes/snores it is necessary to proclaim in a Darth Vader voice: LICORICE. I… AM… YOUR… MOTHER!
Sure, the more the merrier!
Know what would be a super-fantastic idea while I’m Prednisone-ing my cranky way through the last few days before school starts? Offering to take Monkey’s BFF and his two brothers for the entire day, tomorrow. I AM SMART. Actually, it’s going to be fine. But LOUD. Lord, the loud. I may wear earplugs. Or lock the boys out of the house. Either way.
Who reads this stuff?
I now own one of those e-reader doohickeys, and as I’m terribly old-school about books—not meaning that I need to sniff the pages, but that I believe in getting them for free from the library or for cheap at used book stores as often as possible—I owned it for months before I ever bought a single book for it. But at the beginning of the summer I bit the bullet and purchased several titles to read on our vacation, and BOY did I love having four books on one tiny device rather than a purse that weighed 40 pounds. Of course, now I have some other travel coming up and I was thinking maybe I’d get a few more books, so I was browsing through the eBook Store and getting annoyed by the prices, so I decided to look at the “Under $5” selections. In my highly scientific research I have determined that 98% of those options are cheesy romance “novels” (I’m sorry, they require air quotes).
Actual titles from the store in this category:
A RAKE’S GUIDE TO SEDUCTION (first, gather the leaves into a pile…)
SPENCER’S FORBIDDEN PASSION (no one could know about him and Fido)
MY WICKED PIRATE (the other pirates are too well-behaved)
WICKEDLY HOT: HEAT (thank you for the clarification)
RUTHLESSLY BEDDED, FORCIBLY WEDDED (verily, dreaded)
I HARDLY KNEW YOU: A TALE OF LESBIAN LYCANTHROPY (lesbians everywhere rejoiced when werewolves stopped being so damn hetero)
I’m pretty sure I am supposed to be doing something important right now. If only I had any idea what it was, that would be helpful. Did I mention I had three cups of coffee this morning? Because I did. And then the dogs barked. And I thought about taking a shower but I got distracted. By Nicky’s breathing. Or maybe some birds outside. Or cereal.