I’m starting a training class tonight for Licorice, except that it’s really a class to train ME, which I know, but still strikes me as amusing. I mean, I’ve got this book all about training your pet and I’m still trying to decide if I want to train her to ring a bell to go outside, because it’s apparently a fairly easy thing to train and the idea cracks me up.
Not that I don’t totally enjoy her just dancing around and jumping on me when she remembers she has to pee….
Of course, the problem with the bell is that the dog may then ring just to go outside and play, which is fine and dandy, I suppose, except that right now she is Velcro Doggy and wants me with her all the time, and I don’t actually feel like going outside every ten minutes to eat grass.
Anyway, I shall start learning all about this and more, very soon.
Some things I hope Licorice will learn in training:
1) “Sit!” means “Relax on your haunches while the front legs remain straight and the top half of your body remains upright.” It does not mean, “Melt into a boneless puddle of goo and roll over onto your back.”
2) “Go potty!” means “Hurry up and do your business, dog, it’s pouring out here.” It does not mean, “Look up at me with sad eyes and come sit on my feet.”
3) “Licorice” is your name. You may also answer to “Mrs. Puppyhead,” “Bunky,” “Yo, Dawg” and “Good Girl!” The following things are NOT your name: The sound of the refrigerator door opening, the crazy little dog across the street barking, “pepperoni,” “Monkey,” “Chickadee,” or “Who left this on the floor of my office?”
4) It’s very sweet to give kisses. It is not necessary to lick my tonsils while doing so. I don’t even have tonsils anymore, you know, so knock it off.
5) The kitchen floor and the hardwood are somewhat slicker than the carpet in the office. Running full-tilt on either of these non-carpet surfaces generally results in you crashing into something and then glaring around balefully to see who pushed you. No one pushed you. It’s called inertia, pup.
Things I suspect Licorice is hoping I will learn in training:
1) Pepperoni is good for dogs. SO SO GOOD. Why limit it to a piece after ear-cleaning? Why not line all the furniture with its magical circles of deliciousness every single day?
2) Someone should be petting the dog at all times.
3) Let’s go outside! Now let’s go inside. Now let’s go outside! And in. And out. Isn’t this fun??
4) Anyone who eats yummy-smelling things is issuing an engraved invitation for a tonsil-licking.
5) That collar and leash are completely unnecessary, and tools of hardened barbarians. We should banish them and rely instead upon inherent goodness that never, ever wavers. Unless it sees a squirrel.
Yep, it’s going to be fun.
[Truly, how could I not look forward to learning how to better communicate with my dog, when I can barely understand my children? At least after yesterday I wasn’t surprised when Monkey came down this morning and declared that he was feeling “much better,” even though his temperature was… 103. He was sent to the couch with a dog to cuddle, orange juice to drink, and a stern lecture on how that word, I do not think it means what he thinks it means.]