This post is rated D for dildos

By Mir
April 21, 2009

I don’t usually (read: ever) blog about sex. I’m a shy, retiring flower when it comes to such things. Also, my husband is descended from Puritans and my dad reads here (waving to all of the horrified men in my life). So, yeah. Not a sex blogger.

On the other hand, some things must be blogged. Some things BEG to be blogged. And going to a “special” party just for ladies is one of them, no? Yes. I went to such an event, my pretties, and it was truly the experience of a lifetime.

Not so much because of the products themselves, no. More because you just tend to learn a lot about people when you’re hanging out in a room where there’s a table full of fake penises just sitting there. Come on in! Have a drink! Try the bean dip! And have you seen the giant assortment of brightly-colored mechanical phalluses? No? Well COME HAVE A LOOK!

One of the first things the hostess did was announce that there was to be no flash photography. So I—being the wiseass that I am—immediately whipped out my phone and took a (non-flash) picture of the Table O Schlongs and emailed it to Otto. “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” I put in the subject line. (The picture displayed a dozen vibrators, various other paraphernalia, and someone’s half-finished glass of wine. Otto mailed me right back: “What kind of wine is that?”)

Actually, I’m getting ahead of myself. The FIRST thing the hostess did (after greeting me) was tell me that she’d already been though the consultant’s stash and had picked what she was going to buy. Mind you, I was there as a friend-of-friends, so I barely know this woman, but I commended her on her decisive thinking and asked her what she was planning to buy. She was only too happy to take me to the table and show me the item in question.

Now, I think of myself as a pretty experienced person. I’ve been around the block. I’m no prude. But she held up this contraption and I was… completely baffled.

I mean, had you handed it to me ANYWHERE ELSE I would’ve told you it was a doggie tug-of-war chew toy. There was a lot of rubbery kind of… webbing… and then a couple of giant metal capsules (I did figure out that those were “magic bullets”) threaded through a couple of holes. But the hostess was explaining how this was EXACTLY what she and her husband need and all I could think was that:
1) I can never look her husband in the eye again,
2) I don’t understand how this works.

Finally—if only to get her to STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT POSITION HER HUSBAND PREFERS (because: there’s not enough alcohol on hand, if I barely know you, for THAT conversation)—I said, “Okay, I don’t think I get how this works.”

The consultant’s assistant (though I didn’t know that’s what she was, at the time; I thought she was just another person I didn’t know) leapt out of a nearby chair and grabbed it from me.

“It goes LIKE THIS!” she said, and with a single flick of her wrist she had fitted it to her pelvic area. And began thrusting her hips. And then I DIED.

“Okay!” I said, casting my eyes around the room for ANYTHING less embarrassing to look at. George W. Bush fully naked, perhaps? But no, no such luck. “That was very… educational. I NEED A DRINK!”

I went and got a drink. I ran into a couple of people I knew, while doing so, but none of them felt the need to either tell me their husband’s favorite position or simulate strap-on sex, so it was all good. Plus, there were snacks. So, you know.

After some general milling around, a friend called for me to come sit with her as we settled in for the presentation. Now, at Pampered Chef parties, the consultant cooks. At Arbonne parties, the consultant makes up your face. I was a little frightened as to what exactly this was going to entail, but actually, this presentation involved going through EVERY PRODUCT IN THE CATALOG, which would actually have been pretty boring, I think, if not for a few things.

First of all, I was sitting directly across from a woman (whom I didn’t know) who had the most expressive eyebrows in the entire world. Every time the consultant whipped out another product, this woman’s eyebrows would leap six inches into the air. It was astonishing. And really, really amusing. Soon I could tune out the presentation altogether and only bothered with further inspection if I saw that woman’s eyebrows smack against the ceiling.

Second, the assistant had an armful of plastic leis, and the “game” was that you were supposed to stand up and shout “I WANNA GET LEI-ED!” any time the consultant used the word “ultimate.” (You only do it once, and then at the end there’s a color drawing and whoever’s wearing the “winning” color of lei gets some sort of prize.) I managed to get lei-ed the first time she said it, because stuff like that makes me tense and I figured I’d just get it out of the way. But thereafter it was very entertaining to watch other people declaring they wanted to get lei-ed. (And no, it never did stop being funny. A room full of tipsy straight women, with periodic shouts of “I WANNA GET LAID!” and everyone answering back “WOOOOOOOOOO!” Comedy gold.)

Third, as the presentation went on, I don’t know if there was more drinking or what, but some of the questions asked about various products were, um, not shy. I think she spent a full 10 minutes on the anal lube product, for example. Ahem. Someone asked if that actually feels good and before you know it, PEOPLE ARE SWAPPING BUTTSEX STORIES. And you know, to each her own, and I’m happy you’re happy, but GOOD GOD. There’s not enough alcohol in the WORLD for me to want to hear that, ever. Some things should stay private.

There were vibrators with multi-colored strobe lights. Disco dicks, if you will. There was a vibrator designed to simulate the ultimate oral sex experience, I guess? It had a GIANT TONGUE. And a NOSE. (Because we’ve all had that moment of ultimate pleasure where we moan, “Oh, baby… MORE NOSE!”) There were creams for shrinking and creams for biggening and chocolate body pens which require refrigeration (they don’t come with a year of therapy for the child who discovers it in the fridge—I asked) and an endless parade of things to attach to your man, because some of us missed the memo about the penis merely being a convenient hook upon which to hang scary-looking toys.

Of course, the very best part was the passing around of the vibrators. I had NO IDEA there are so many different options. I also had no idea how hilarious it would be to watch people discussing the relative merits, preferably while waving the merchandise around. I kept waiting for someone to scream “USE THE FORCE!” and for a lightsaber-esque duel to break out. The rabbit versus the dolphin, maybe. (She’s going in for the kill but OH! Her opponent parries with the wave-action rotator! Now she’s backing up and activating the spinning beads. And LOOK OUT! THE RABBIT EARS ARE FLICKING, but she’s countering with the pulsating massage action! Etc.)

“Oh, I don’t think my husband would be willing to… you know… WEAR any of those things that… attach,” one woman confided to me as we sat around waiting for our individual turns to go “shopping” after the presentation.

“Really?” I answered, wondering how I could best end this conversation. Maybe I could pretend not to speak English. No matter that we’d now been together for hours and that probably wouldn’t work.

“Oh yes,” she said. “I think he’d find it sort of threatening, you know? Probably better to get a toy he doesn’t have to wear.”

“Wait. What?” See, this is where my lack of tact becomes problematic. “You’re telling me he’d find a little silicone helper threatening, even though it’s something that still requires his participation, but if you showed up with one of those massive vibrators that could completely take his place, THAT would be okay?”

She thought about it for a moment. “Good point,” she conceded.

Bonds were forged, people. Too bad I’m going to have to pretend not to know any of those women if I run into them at the grocery store or whatever.


  1. annette

    I csn’t even comment…but wait, I just did…

  2. annette

    But, I am so flabbergasted I can’t spell.

  3. Fran

    ..and you went to this party..why? Slow Monday night? Someone threatened your Children? ahhhh, silly me..of course BLOG Fodder!! Whew……;-D

  4. Megan

    Wow. And here I am a Pampered Chef virgin! Of course, I’m still coping with the fact that my boyfriend’s mother is FAR more open (and funny) about this stuff than I. Dang, now I think about it, she would be hilarious to take to one of these things… wonder how I can blag an invite!

  5. Leandra

    Don’t forget the gummy penises! Oh, maybe you didn’t have those at your party.

    At the party I went to years ago (NEVER AGAIN, I say), we played games too. We had to put a piece of paper on top of our heads and draw a picture of our husband’s penis. Say what?

    Not enough wine, EVER. Not even if you’re my best friend.

  6. AM

    I once worked with a girl who was a consultant for one of those parties. I found out when the office party (someone always hosts for someone trying to make extra money)was going to be and then scheduled an out of town meeting. Definitely not enough wine for that event ever.

  7. Brigitte

    I got dragged to one once. When I had a 3-month-old baby and no interest in that area anyway. Which never DID re-develop, hmmm. NEVER AGAIN.

  8. exile on mom street

    I’m going to sit here until your Dad comments.

  9. Lindsey

    The dolphin always wins. Hands down.

  10. Lady of Perpetual Chaos

    I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself at a party like that. Would I be able to refrain from openly mocking?! Or laughing like a crazy person?! Especially if I had to jump up and yell “I want to get laid”. Oh, the horror! So…what did you buy?! ;o)

  11. Aimee

    *snort* Oh baby… More nose!

    It sounds like you took a wrong turn in chick lit and ended up hanging out with a bunch of Samantha-from-Sex-and-the-City clones. Wowza. That’s a lot of sharing.

    I am going to be laughing all day about the vibrator duel. And checking back to see if your Dad comments. ;)

  12. Heather

    LOL oh, Mir. I’m so glad you wrote about this, because it was freakin hilarious. Now I too shall wait and see if your dad or Otto comments ;)

  13. ImpostorMom

    omg i think I just spit water all over my computer monitor.

  14. Headless Mom

    My best friend does this for a living so I really got a hoot out of this post. (I am sending her this link by the way…)

    I will say, though, that at her parties everyone is WAY more discreet. No discussing stuff, mucho privacy, etc. I’ve never been embarrassed at one of her parties or to run into someone later.

    I agree with Otto. What kind of wine was it?

  15. Karishma

    ahahahahha oh mir, i love you. and i’m also waiting for your dad to comment. oh, wait, was that the massive thud i heard around the eighth sentence?

  16. Ariel

    I work for my soon to be mother in law, so I couldn’t tell her why I was giggling so hard :)
    Because even though I live with her son (have for 2 years) there are just things you don’t talk about :)

  17. Mom24@4evermom

    I guess I too am descended from Puritans because…ewww.

  18. Andrea

    I also can’t believe you went to the party. I have been invited a few times but – nope not for me. I have also been invited to one of those Lingerie parties…nope not going to that one. Who wants to sit around and try on lingerie with a bunch of girls. No way, especially since I would definitely not be the one with the body everyone is jealous of!

  19. Rini

    ROFL – that is awesome. Mostly because I DO those parties, and find it hilarious to see the view from the other side. ;)

    Oh, and the nose… If my husband’s nose vibrated like that, you might JUST hear “more nose” in my bedroom!

  20. another sue

    I have to say, I live alone and rather enjoy my lifestyle as a hermit. That being said, one drawback is that I do not laugh often enough. Thank you for remedying that for me today. (And tomorrow.) (And next week.) (And, well, anytime I think about this for probably as long as I live.) You are a true treasure in ways that I suspect you do not fully comprehend.

  21. Amelia

    When I got engaged, the secretary of my then-employer told me that we should have a “fun party” as a shower. And I was thinking, “Um, well, is there ANOTHER kind of party? Isn’t that sort of the POINT of parties, to have fun?!” But I said, “Well, SURE!”

    I found out later that “fun party” was the local euphemism for the type of party you’re talking about and began to pray that she would never bring it up again. Thankfully, she did not.

    Thanks for letting me know I didn’t miss out on anything :).

  22. Burgh Baby

    Never before have I been so flabbergasted as to how to tag a blog post when I was stumbling it. Yeah. Just, uh, wow.


  23. Christina

    You mean to tell me you you didn’t have to do the game where you have to put the floppy dildo between your knees and try to pass it to your neighbors knees making it look like you are dry humping their leg with it?

    *not that I would have any first hand knowledge of such a game -ahem-

  24. Kate

    I went to one of those parties a long time ago. However, rather than lei-ed, the magic phrase was “man in the boat” (code for clitoris). The consultant had a really long double ended dildo. Each time she said “man in the boat,” the woman who currently had possession of said dildo and her neighbor stood up. Woman #1 put the dildo between her thighs and tried to fling it upward so that Woman #2 could catch the opposite end between her thighs. I’m no prude, but I still have nightmares. Thank goodness I only knew the friend who brought me along.

  25. Gaylin

    A hilarious way to start my day.
    I don’t drink alcohol but if I went to one of those parties, I would start . . .
    I am not a prude but good lord, a room full of mostly strangers! A bunch of girlfriends, well no, still wouldn’t be that explicit.
    Heckling, yeah, I could heckle at a ‘fun’ party.

  26. SD's Husband

    so what did YOU buy? don’t leave us hangin’…. heh.

  27. Fairly Odd Mother

    The only party that could cause me more nightmares and hide-from-my-neighbors moments would be one where you learn how to dance around a stripper pole.

    And, “more nose” made me laugh out loud. Which brought the children around me. Move along, kids, nothing to see here.

  28. Sheila

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have a sure thing for the BlogHer ’09 Community Keynote!

    Mir, how would you feel about reading this aloud in a room full of people? And maybe bringing a few props along?

    I have no blog myself, or I’d have nominated you already. Any of you readers with your own blog-thingy care to help me out on this? Whad’ya say, Mir? This is too good not to share!

  29. Angela

    All I can say is thank GOD for Apple Care. Should never have read this post while eating lunch. My kids still want to know what I was laughing at.

  30. ~annie

    “And then I DIED.” Um. Erm.
    Me too… I stopped reading there.

    But call me Lazarus! I’m going back to finish!

    It’s like a train wreck…

  31. JNo

    OH MY GOSH – I SHOULD NOT HAVE READ THIS at work (read high school classroom). I’ve got “church giggles” – you know trying really hard not to laugh, it’s not working, so now they think I’m crying! Now I know why I’ve always made an excuse to not go to those parties.

  32. My Kids Mom

    It might be easier to be among strangers than friends for this one. I’m not so expressive with the eyebrows, but I blush easily so would be entertainment for whoever was sitting across from me.

  33. Barbara

    What is this, sweeps week?

  34. ~annie

    Brilliant! Now how do I erase “MORE NOSE!” from my memory?! Oh, gah…

  35. Sheila

    P.S. I bet some of those ladies at the party thawed their meat on the counter, if you know what I’m sayin’.

  36. tracy

    I do not GET these parties. Why do people think they are so “fun.” And I am no prude by any means but I have no desire to sit around with a bunch of women and look at plastic penises.
    I have been invited to two of these toy parties. One of which was held by my Stepmom with several of my aunts in attending. Um, no thank you. I do not need to think about various family members getting it on and what things they are using. ewwwww….

  37. ikate/kakaty

    The only problem I have witht these parties is the dumb games – why whenever women get together does there have to be games (showers, PC parties, Arbonne parties, etc)? I do think it’s great that this stuff is more in the open now, but I would rather not attend with co-workers or realitives of an older generation. 11 years ago we had one for my sister’s pre-balchorette party and my mom really wanted to come – she didn’t know what she was asking for and we forcably removed her from the apartment before it started – my God – can you imagine?

  38. Bean Counter

    That was the most HILLARIOUS thing I have read in a long time. I am sure my boss is wondering what I am doing in my office, ’cause really being an accountant is not all that funny, yet I am in here laughing. I am sure he thinks I have finally lost it.

  39. Half Assed Kitchen

    And I thought CABi parties were bad.

    The MORE NOSE made me guffaw into my coffee and shake my head.

  40. Erin

    Am I the only one who read this sentence:

    (Because we’ve all had that moment of ***ultimate*** pleasure where we moan, “Oh, baby… MORE NOSE!”)

    And immediately thought, “I WANNA GET LEI-D!!!” ?

    Yes? OK then.

    Too funny, Mir. I think there are about 5 people in the world I would feel comfortable attending that party with–otherwise, they’d have to all be complete strangers, for sure!

  41. Tammy

    *snort* “Disco dicks”

  42. Ani

    THANK YOU! I have not laughed this hard in years.

    And now to explain the ruckus to my office neighbors. Or not. :-)

  43. vanessa

    It’s possible that my favorite post ever.

  44. Pave.Gurl

    Could be worse – she chose this for her JOB. Imagine how strange that is for someone – to peddle “marital aids” to people she knows!

    Then again, presumably, she chose to do it.

  45. Kemi

    I only got as far as “disco dicks” before I had to comment.

    And wipe the tears away. And clean off the computer screen. And get my laughter under control.

    *takes a deep breath*

    Going back to finish the post. Wish me luck!

  46. Kelly

    I think I’m shocked that some of those words came out of your computer, but now that I’m past that I’m laughing pretty hard. This is hysterical. Somehow the Tupperware party I’m invited to doesn’t sound nearly as exciting.

  47. Laurel

    I find it shocking that so many people find an open and healthy discussion of sex so appalling and actually need to get drunk in order to be in the room at the time. What’s wrong with this society? Oh, I forgot, religions. Honey, you should have been asking questions and getting tips. Nice post though, amusing albeit uptight spin.

  48. Anna Marie

    Dear. God. Never ever ever have I read anything this funny. And I will never get “more nose” out of my head. *snort*

  49. ben

    I think there’s something wrong with my monitor, the cell phone picture isn’t showing up :)

    I’m dying laughing, here, AT WORK. Thank you.

    And I never get invited to these things (perhaps because I already possess a real live penis so buying a rubber one doesn’t make much sense) but I think it would be high-larious to go watch everyone’s eyebrows.

    So, to echo a dozen others – what did you buy?

    *waves to your dad*

  50. Jenn

    *SNORT* Dear God, please let Mir’s dad have stopped reading after the first paragraph.

  51. Lucinda

    My laughter brought my husband in on this one and he wants to read when I”m done. I explained to him that the party I went to like this a couple weeks ago was not nearly as funny as the one you just described. Clearly, I went to the wrong party. lol

  52. sue

    You are one very, VERY funny person!!

  53. The Mother

    While I do not consider myself prudish in the slightest, can tell a ribald joke as well as the next GUY, and have no hangups about sex or nudity that I can think of…

    I find those parties repulsive (for many of the reasons you just clearly laid out). I do my sex toy shopping on the internet, in the privacy of my own home.

  54. Ruth

    Hilarious post! So, okay, you didn’t get a made-up face and you didn’t get a high-calorie meal made by the hostess, but I think you still made out in hilarity factor. Thanks for making me smile/laugh/guffaw! Kudos to you.

  55. Kelly

    Big props to Mir’s Dad and to Otto if they made it through. I now wonder if you will let Monkey read your archives in a few years. If so, do you think this would scar him for life, or perhaps prepare him for the inevitable cougars that will be stalking all young men in the coming years. (according to every quasi-news source out there) Hee Hee.

  56. BethR

    All I can think of now is “Disco Duck” — I can’t get it out of my head!!

    And, um, Laurel? This post was written by the woman who every parent who reads this blog has asked to please have the various levels of sex talks with their kids. Please don’t talk down to Mir or the rest of us because our comfort levels with commercialized sex are different than yours. This type of party is creepy, whether it’s Tupperware, Pampered Chef, or Passion Parties.

    Dad? Otto? Where are you guys???

  57. vkj

    Maybe Dad can’t post a comment because he is still in shock!!!

  58. Erika

    I noticed that Otto and your Dad are staying FAR away from commenting on this post. :)

  59. Kim

    Oh…My…God… I am laughing so hard. Great post! :)

  60. Stephanie

    OMG! LOL!!! I’ve been to TWO of those parties (don’t ask)…I am WAY too uptight and repressed to be sharing my bedroom stories with ANYONE other than my significant other.

    I feel your pain! I’m glad it’s over for you and now you know how BUSY you’ll be, if you get invited to another one. LOL

  61. Sonya

    I got this link from a list of moms (we have been together for 13 years so we are close) I belong to telling us how funny this was. She was so right. I had tears…

  62. MomCat

    (Old! I’m soooo oooolddddd!!!!!!!)

    (How did you prevent the horrific Google searches?)

  63. mama speak

    Call me crazy, but isn’t this what the internet is for? I mean the Internet became the internet because of P0rn, right?

    I love you so much Mir! Thanks for taking one for the team by going to this so you could blog about it later. They are creepy & I’ve never understood the draw of purchasing sex toys w/a bunch of acquaintances.

    Ummm, I thought that those people down South are supposed to be repressed. I live near SF & and can proudly say I’ve never attended one.

  64. J from Ireland

    This is hilarious Mir.
    Funny too that your dad didn’t comment today.

  65. Lori

    I was invited to one of “those” parties as a fundraiser for Relay for Life. As a non-drinker who would need to become a HEAVY drinker to attend such a soiree, I politely declined. After reading your post, I’m confident that I made a wise decision. EEK!

  66. Hat Chick

    I’m visiting for the first time today (from the preacher’s wife’s blog, The Domestic Fringe). Excellent first impression…”convenient hook” was my fav.

  67. Lisa

    I’m reading the screen at a funny angle and I thought it said, “THE RABBIT EARS ARE F*CKING.” Was already in hysterics over the nose thing, so I just about died.

    Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!

  68. Amy

    Thanks. I had almost erased the memory of the one and only time I went to one of those parties. With my friend the drag queen.

    Like I said, ALMOST. Thanks for the laugh. I needed a big one today. (heh)

  69. w

    I wasnt sure where this was going when I started but I was laughing so hard, I can totally picture this party (hell, I’ve BEEN to this party) OMG so so funny!

  70. Jenn

    you delivered a good laugh just when I needed it the most. Thanks!

  71. Nicole

    Dildo light Saber duels has GOT to be featured in a porno somewhere. No doubt about it.

  72. Jodi

    I would run and hide if ever I was invited to one of those parties.

    I can’t believe the lady demonstrated the product! OH EM GEE!

  73. Zandor

    This was maybe my favorite post I have read today. My first thought about the fridge thing was that maybe they have a mini fridge in thier closet. They probably just put it in the kitchen one, but the closet thing was my first thought. Also the dildo light sabor thing? Ha.

  74. Sarah

    OMG. Dying, here.

    My 9yo daughter just asked me what was so funny, and I was too busy laughing so hard I was crying to come up with a good lie, so I just said nothing. She’ll never know the therapy I saved her from by not answering.

  75. tammy

    I thought the plural of dildos was “dildii.”

  76. Briann

    Oh, wow. XD This is hilarious. You remind me a lot of myself.

  77. Polly

    You poor ladies – those of you poo-pooing these parties are the ones who need it the MOST!!!!

  78. pam

    Disco Dick OMG!!!

  79. jules

    *wipes tears from face*

    OMG.. my son just asked me if I laid an egg.. which, just made me laugh more. Thank you. I have “Disco Duck” stuck in my head

  80. JD

    snacks and sex toys.

    sign me up ….


  81. Cathy Yardley

    I’ve read it twice, and laughed so hard I cried. Both times!

    Found you on StumbleUpon, and I’m going to be sending this to everybody I know. “MORE NOSE!” is going to make me laugh forever!

  82. Toni

    I’ve gone to two of these parties…. both times with my mother and her friends, I have to say we had loads of fun…. I guess it’s because we have a very open honest mother daughter relationship haha…. These parties are great if you have people you know and are close to, or have the wild crazy friends I’m used to :D

  83. Leigh

    Hahaha, I actually own my own business doing in-home parties for women. I have to say your account is hilarious and the feedback is wonderful. I’m glad you had a good time!

  84. lulu

    So one day after dropping my kid off at her after-school thing, I went to check out the sex toy store in the nearby Cool Neighborhood (I had to book it right out of drop-off to get there, because it closes at 6 PM. Doesn’t that seem incongruous, for a sex toy store? I mean, shouldn’t they stay open until, like, DARK?) And there was this one kind of curvy vibrator and I turned on the “on” switch and it let off this very tiny high-pitched shriek. I thought that would be distracting, you know, if one were to actually want to use it as intended, and flagged down the store clerk to ask her if this beeping was normal. And she picked up the curvy vibrator and matter-of-factly held it up to her ear, so she could hear it better. It looked just like a phone. And it just cracked me up: “Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you, I have a vibrator in my ear…”

    I could not blog this story, because my parents stalk me all over the Interwebs. Until now, though, it was my funniest ever sex toy story (not like I have a lot of sex toy stories from which to choose for this honor).

    But now you have knocked it out of the park. I bow unto your greatness.

  85. Kerry

    So what did you buy?

    I went to one of those. It was interesting. I was SHOCKED at what people bought. Shocked. I bought nothing, because even if I was okay with the purchasing of things that would later be placed in, well, …. even if I was okay with doing that in front of other people, I would not be willing to refinance my house to do it.

  86. Sarah

    I loved that post. Do you think that the women in that post will think you’re funny when it gets forwarded to them or will they ignore you from now on?

  87. Niki Chanel

    Now, I love wine and care that it’s a pinot noir and not a merlot, so associating an experience of this caliber with the fruit of the vine might cause me to need as much therapy as that poor child that finds a choclate weiner in the freezer (G-d I laughed so loud at that I thought my teen would come to investigate!)

    I agree with you, though enjoyed your blog so much I’m glad you sat through it instead of me!

  88. BillinDetroit

    Sheesh … my ex-wife was a Mary Kay Lady and I thought THAT was bad. (BTW, I’m a ‘fall’).

    I absolutely refuse to ‘do the deed’ with any woman who has more than two 12v. marine batteries next to her bed.

  89. Wendalette

    Can’t. Stop. Giggling.


    I am so glad I read this right before bed, instead of at work as I am wont to do. Well, maybe I should have read this right after work, rather than at bedtime.

    Now I’m going to dream of disco ducks, noses and dueling bunnies with Mir announcing the play-by-play.

  90. Brandy

    Oh. My. Gosh! I laughed like a loon reading this. And am almost jealous I’ve never been invited to anything like that, though I’d stay beet red the entire time. *G*

  91. jadine

    Haaaaaaaaaaaaa! I could have written this! (That is to say: I have had a similar exerience (okay, 3), but I can’t write as well).

    I ended up buying bath crystals.

    So, what did you get? :)

  92. chris

    I can not stop laughing.

  93. Kim

    My husband just rolled over, opened one eye, and said, “WHAT is so FUNNY?!?”

    Then he started snoring again.

    Oh my. Can’t. Stop. Giggling. Likeaschoolgirl!

    I cannot imagine attending one of those parties. You are a braver woman than I, that’s for sure. I believe the internet was created for sex-toy shopping! :D

  94. Colleen


    The lady who did the one I went to referred to our vaginas as “flower pots”, I can’t remember why. Something about planting seeds or something, maybe. I think. I tried to get drunk but I think embarrassment produces endorphins that block the absorption of alcohol.

    Wait until you run into one of those ladies at your kids’ SCHOOL!

  95. Flea

    I like thinking that you bought bath crystals, Mir. Or some nice incense. Or … whatever else they sell at those parties. The fetal position would have been about all I could have handled. And I probably would have feared the toys had I curled up on the floor.

  96. Em

    First of all, probably the funniest post I have read anywhere, ever. Second, I am late to this party and am very afraid to read the 94 comments before mine. Lastly, dude! I’m at work. I had and audible and limb flailing reaction to the words “anal lube”. I don’t know if it was because it was here on Mir’s wholesome blog o’ goodness or just a general knee jerk reaction but I have drawn attention to myself and that is never a good thing when you reading about a sex toy party at work. Worth it though.

  97. TL

    Can’t. Breathe.

    That is the funniest thing I’ve read in FOR-STINKIN’-EVER! I read all the time, but never post. This time I had to. I can’t stop wheezing and crying… LOL!!!

  98. Rebecca

    Whenever I have a bad day, I am going to come back and read this post.

  99. Andrea

    OMG, too funny! Seriously, there is not a chance I would ever go to one of those parties.

    You’re either a very good friend or you lost a bet.

  100. ~annie

    To Laurel (#47): One is not necessarily “uptight” if one would rather keep their sexual life strictly private. But perhaps you also have a handy label to slap upon those of us who lead very active, satisfying sex lives without the aid of “toys” and do not feel the need to “ask questions and get tips.” I say: To each his own.

  101. joaaanna

    Mir – you are so, so awesome. MORE NOSE!

  102. Randi

    Oh I LOVED this post! TOO FUNNY! As a blogger who used to actually test and write about sex toys, this is hilarious. It’s so funny how some people feel that it’s okay to say EVERYTHING about their sex life. See, to me, if you let the universe know about all of your sex life, then the times when you’re doing something “truly” naughty just isn’t that special anymore…

  103. Samantha

    Thanks Mir, I needed to laugh today. This was one of the funniest posts I have ever read! Great job!

  104. ben

    Ever since reading this, I’ve had this stuck in my head:

    “Lie to me, Pinocchio, lie to me!”

  105. Karate Mom

    Here I am, laughing hysterically, and I can’t tell my husband WHY because The Kids are in the room!!
    I don’t think I could attend one of those parties. I just don’t need to know those types of things about my friends…or a bunch of strangers, either!!

  106. Chuck

    This post was one of the most amusing things I’ve ever read. Thanks for sharing!

  107. Tracy

    OMG, I’m so glad I’m not the only one who had these same feelings when attending one of these “toy” parties. NEVER, NEVER again. I am interested, though, what did you buy?

  108. dad

    My sincerest apologies for not commenting sooner. Yesterday was a travel and I didn’t have internet access. Unfortunately, I did not read your post until this morning, in the office. Mistake! People are rushing in to find out if I’m OK, which I will be as soon as I wipe off the monitor screen and clear the coffee from my eustation tubes.

    This post is truly a tour de force. A new high, or low, depending on…well a lot of stuff. In future years I’m going to threaten you with explaining this to Chicadee. For now, you’re grounded.

  109. Heidi

    Yay, Dad commented! [Waving madly at Dad.]

    I sent my honey out the door snorting about disco dick. An now I can’t stop laughing at Lulu’s comment: ““Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you, I have a vibrator in my ear…”

    Now then Otto, would you like to weigh in with a comment?

  110. C~

    O.M.G. I laughed so hard at this…trying to read it to my DH made him laugh almost as hard. Thanks for the best birthday gift! A giant belly laugh. Dang, girl…you are funny.

  111. C~

    And I think Otto’s best comment was “What kind of wine is that?”…poor Otto.

  112. exile on mom street

    Thank God your Dad finally commented. I’ve been sitting here for hours!

  113. Pave.Gurl

    Hmmm. You know, it’s funny ‘cos I live and work in a very open-minded environment – I am comfortable using words that one shouldn’t use in front of one’s children, grandparents, or siblings with my clients (in fact, it’s my job to do so). I spent the first six months at my job looking over my shoulder wondering when I was going to get fired for looking at my clients’ sites. Part of my job-related tasks involve spending time with women clothed in little more than heavily applied paint on a regular basis. I have clients who are makers and purveyors of devices like those you mention – and those you would never, ever see at one of those parties.

    And I am *still* don’t want to hear about the proclivities and preferences of my friends.

    So I don’t think it’s so much about being uptight as being human. *grumbles at Laurel*

  114. Scottsdale Girl

    Ok Ben is the one that pushed me over the edge. Awesome comment Ben.

    Mir: Disco Dicks is an instant classic. Huzzah.

  115. Lesley

    I think this is the best… no wait, scratch that… I KNOW this is the best blog post I’ve ever read. Ever.

  116. Jen

    OMG – my first invite to one of these parties was actually extended from my husband’s first wife. Now there’s an idea! I can just see me asking her if she thinks he would prefer the strap on or the vibrator! BTW I didn’t accept her invitation :)

  117. BethR

    Y’know, I just remembered that there was a glow-in-the-dark condom “light saber” fight in Skin Deep (check So it’s sort of been done :-)

  118. Cele

    You and Joss are on a Starwars theme. But really you need to win an awayrd for this blog or something.

  119. Laura Zigman

    “More nose.”

  120. Missy Lyons

    Funny stuff. Lol =)

  121. Catherine

    Oh…Wow…some of that way was more then I ever..ever needed to know..That must be why I have never gone to one of these parties..I’ll still with Pampered Chef and Home Interiors lol

  122. Debbi

    LOL!! Not sure what was funnier, your post or your dad’s comment! The two of you are awesome :-)

  123. Cathi

    I cannot stop laughing. This was priceless.

  124. Cathi

    I cannot stop laughing. This was priceless.

  125. shukov

    This world has gone completely fucking nuts. What a bunch of crazy dingbats. Have they no shame?

  126. tuney

    Mir, I know this post was written a week ago, but I just ran across this. There is NO. BETTER. PLACE. to post this link. You and your readers can best appreciate it. Truly, how perfect… Too bad you couldn’t have picked this up at the party…or maybe you did. Heh.

  127. wanker

    More nose,Pinoccio

  128. well...

    I’ve been invited to two of these in the past year and have thankfully extricated myself from both invitations. Good grief.

  129. Charlotte Norman

    Oh my! “Oh, baby… MORE NOSE!”) and “USE THE FORCE!”
    Thank you Thank you Thank you! That was the greatest laugh that I’ve had in a long time!

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