Otto is on break this week. The louse. He hasn’t actually SAID, “Nyah nyah, you’re working and I’m not!” but I strongly suspect he is thinking it, occasionally.
Mostly he just wanders into the office when I’m playing Scrabble on Facebook and comments on how UTTERLY SWAMPED I must be. Because he’s a wiseass. And nobody likes a wiseass! Except for me.
And it’s not that Otto isn’t terribly busy when he has time off of work. Because he is. He’s doing all sorts of manly things around the house, and he thinks I’m mocking him when I’m totally not. Like when he installed the trailer hitch on his truck, all by himself. I told him I was feeling very attracted to his burly usefulness. And he told me to shut up. BUT I WAS SERIOUS.
Anyway, when one spouse is working and the other is not, and the weather suddenly spikes a gorgeous 80+ degrees for a few days, sometimes you need some suggestions of things to do to pass the time amicably.
I’m here to help, people.
Feel free to avail yourself of any and all of the following suggestions:
1) Play passive-aggressive dishes. The dishwasher is full of clean dishes, the sink is full of dirty ones. See how long each of you can ignore ALL of the dishes. Will it continue until you run out of cereal bowls? Until you run out of counter space? Whoever does the dishes first loses, except for the part where the other spouse then showers them with love and affection for being so awesome. Hey, maybe you should just go ahead and do the dishes. You’ll probably get lucky, after.
2) Sit back-to-back in the office, listening to dueling Jon Stewart videos. No, really. It’s fun.
3) Take a nap on the couch while your spouse is trying to work. Bonus points for snoring and not being smothered by your hard-working spouse. Unless she’s just playing Scrabble, in which case, hey, snore away.
4) Eat a late dinner on the porch. It feels decadent! Discuss the soon-to-be-planted garden. Discuss how much better steak tastes when there is not a small, quizzical face nearing your plate, intoning, “Does it go MOO? Because if it is COW it should go MOO or you’re probably a MURDERER.” Yeah.
5) Talk about gun control. Funny, but you never really noticed how the crazy neighbor’s fifty-seven cats like to use your yard as a litter box until someone was home for a week, going apoplectic every time a feline sauntered onto the property. Discuss BB guns. Discuss animal cruelty. Discuss calling animal control. Give your agitated spouse a cookie.
6) Talk about taking a vacation. Dream big! Then remember the tax bill and the new hot water heater and all of those trees that fell mostly over that need to be taken out, now. Sniffle a little. Decide that going into Atlanta for the day TOTALLY COUNTS as a vacation!
7) Play hide-the-packing-tape. No no, get your mind out of the gutter. This is simply a game wherein the HARD WORKING spouse talks for several days about packages that need to be mailed and how there is no more tape. Then she talks about ordering more tape. Then the day the tape is to arrive, the vacationing spouse should casually mention that hey! I have some packing tape! It’s right over here! Bonus points for only taping up the PACKAGES after this discovery is made.
8) Treat your spouse to a long and detailed explanation of your blue jeans. Guys LOVE that! Especially while they’re supposed to be on vacation!
9) Send your spouse a link to a $30k pre-fab garage. I’m not going to say it’s DEFINITELY retaliation for the denim soliloquy, but you can draw your own conclusions. Be sure to insist that you were “just looking” and “not trying to make your head explode” when your spouse reminds you of the tax bill, and the hot water heater, and the trees, and also asks if maybe you have started smoking crack.
10) Watch a lot of television, inbetween all this other stuff. Did you know that there’s an episode of CSI: Miami on pretty much ALL THE TIME? Because there totally is. And next to smoking crack, I can’t think of a better way to empty out one’s brain.
I hope you’re enjoying your Spring Break just as much as we are. And I’m glad I could help.