Wouldn’t have missed it

By Mir
January 30, 2009

Hey, guess what! Remember about a year ago when Monkey won an award, and we went to a very long ceremony, and I realized that I have an irrevocable urge to shout “YOU DAMN KIDS GET OFFA MY LAWN” at elementary schoolers who have bigger boobs than I do? Wasn’t that awesome?

We liked it all SO much, we went back again and did the whole shebang a second time when Chickadee won. It was pretty much the same.

This year I’ve sort of been living in dread of such things, because it turns out that as proud as I am when the kids do good things, I still don’t particularly like sitting through long ceremonies punctuated by hundreds of children who really are not all that interested in being quiet for an entire hour.

So I was DELIGHTED this year when Monkey brought home the notice that he’d won, but also told us that now the deal is that the ceremony just happens for the kids, and parents are invited to come in for lunch, afterward.

I think this is brilliant. I get to ooh and aah over the certificate at home, and I get to sit and eat and chat with my kid (instead of watching him from 50 yards away) as a reward. That seems much more rewarding, to me! For both of us!

In fact, I was feeling so giddy and magnanimous about the whole thing, today, that I offered to go pick up the fast food of Monkey’s choice and bring THAT for our lunch together. His eyes grew big. After pondering the possibilities (and my clarifying that no, a dozen donuts is not LUNCH), he settled on Arby’s, and I told him I’d see him at lunch time.

Otto and I met Monkey in the lunch room with our curly fries in hand, and we settled in to enjoy the noontime meal together. Of course, I realized immediately that I’d miscalculated. I’d offered fast food as a special treat, of course, not realizing that the school was giving CUPCAKES and ICE CREAM to the award recipients.

Basically, I became party to serving my child an entire meal of zero nutritional value. But at least it had 10,000 calories! (Hey, maybe we should do that more often, so that I won’t have to keep tightening the buttonhole elastic on Slimboy’s pants, there.)

Monkey reveled in our undivided attention, or maybe just in all that sugar, and lunch was a very merry experience indeed. I kept saying that he couldn’t possibly eat that sandwich AND those french fries AND his ice cream AND a cupcake, but he assured me that it was fine, fine, he’d manage.

He saved the cupcake for last. Of course. Probably so that he could do this. (I’ve removed this photo from general viewing and put in a link, because it’s kinda gross and you might not want to click if you’re of delicate constitution or whatever.)

… and listen to me gag. *ack*

He ate every last crumb and then took a nice long drink to clear the gunk from his braces, and then patted his stomach.

And then he belched so loudly the windows shook.

Yep, there’s nothing quite like it when your kid is honored for being a pig being a great kid.


  1. Jen

    OMG–my kid is getting braces next week and I confess I had not, until just now, realized the full implication of this. I must invest in some airsickness bags…

  2. Megan

    Yurp. Much congratulations to Monkey and all that but… oooh, think I need to go lie down a bit after that photo…

  3. Crisanne

    Dude-no warning or anything about a gross photo coming?? I just clicked throug like always and nearly lost my lunch! Ha, ha!!

    Congrats to your Monkey. Maybe this celebration is a great way to send January to the curb? I think so!

  4. Laura GF

    Ditto Megan — hooray for Monkey but that photo should come with a warning label somewhere above. Good lord.

  5. The Mother

    I just posted on this topic. I thought I was the only mom who detested those damn kids ceremony things. I just don’t go (but, then, my kids already know that I’m a lousy mother—they keep CPS on their speed dial).

  6. dad

    Great post…well maybe a little gross. No blood so I could handle it.
    So what had this gifted child done to win this award, cupcake,accolades, Mommy alone for lunch time? Scored 1600 on the College Boards, found a cure for…or just not burned the gym down?

  7. The Other Leanne

    Braces: when lunch can also be your afternoon snack!

  8. exile on mom street

    Wow. I knew there was a reason blue food doesn’t exist in nature.

    Congrats to Monkey on…whatever!

  9. shannon

    damn….i had to look…

  10. Kemi

    I looked… and I am still giggling.

    My sucky day just got a little brighter. (Or is it bluer?)

  11. Jamie AZ

    Congrats, Monkey! We have Mr. Slimpants here, too, and the kid eats like he’s got a hollow leg, so I’m not sure where the calories are going!

  12. Kaycee

    Gotta love those boys. That’s a great picture BTW, you should use it as your blog header.

  13. Tatiana

    I’m totally not looking — I had braces, so I was really aware of how other people with braces looked while eating, and some things totally gross me out about them (like a friend of mine with braces eating a bagel with cream cheese… gag… there is a reason I ended up breaking most of my food into bite-sized pieces that I could toss in the back of my mouth!)

    Honestly, unless he wins an award like weekly and you feed him that way weekly, I think you did just fine :)

  14. Jess

    Heh, Monkey is awesome. Congrats on his award!

  15. Suzanne

    When you said it was gross… I just knew before I clicked over that it would be blue frosting and cake! The only thing worse is when it’s green frosting! Congrats to Monkey on being a super-duper kid!

  16. ChristieNY

    Eeeeew! Too funny!!!!!!! :)

  17. jennielynn

    Yeah. That isn’t even on the top 25 list of the grossest things I’ve seen today. You need to step up your game, honey.

  18. StephLove

    Still changing diapers here. That photo barely registers.

    Congrat.s to the Monkey Man!

  19. tj

    Look mom!


  20. Sherry

    My kid did that with a fresh-off-the-tree peach. Monkey’s blue teeth don’t look so bad after seeing fleshy peaches in braces.

  21. just beaux

    Holy Cow!

  22. Flea

    Congrats Monkey Boy! The belch was a good touch. :)

  23. the domestic fringe

    LOL! That picture killed me. I’m SO grossed out and yet laughing at the same time.

    My Congrats to Monkey!

  24. Michelle

    Ah, I love the kinds of burps that bring the venetian blinds tumbling to the floor.

  25. Jennifer

    I loved the picture, but I’m still waiting to see the “sex/peeing in a woman’s butt” gesture or have I missed it?

  26. momzen

    What is it about feeding our kids BLUE stuff? Man, that stuff is just gross. Braces, of course, make it grosser (more gross?). Ick.

  27. O.G.

    To be honest, after I saw the word Arbys I’m not sure I really read anything else. All I could think about was a big beef and cheddar and some curley fries.

  28. Stephanie

    That is DEFINITELY a smile only a fabulous mother would love. :-)

  29. Asianmommy

    Aww…congrats to Monkey!

  30. sheila

    Congrats to Monkey and I’ll say…those are the absolute BEST school functions! Those other ceremonies are so boring. Ya got people hacking and coughing on ya, people talking….blah blah blah.

    Your ceremoney was sooooo much better!

  31. Aimee

    Congrats Monkey! And… EW.

  32. lizneust

    Just wait until he’s 15 and starts eating you out of house and home. My brothers (2) used to go through a gallon of milk *every day* between them. My favorite was going to all-you-can eat brunches with teenage boys and watching the horror on the faces of the wait staff as determined boy metabolisms set about conquering every spare calorie – carb, protein or fat – in the joint. It sort of reminded me of the circus clown car act.

  33. lizneust

    Oh yeah – Congrats Monkey!!

  34. Jo

    Hi Mir,

    Has Mike (from Cornell) ever told you the story about when our youngest was nominated for a “student of the month” type thing in First Grade? “Barley” has anger issues, and a tendency to act out physically when irritated. We got a call out of the blue one day saying he had been selected for “Student of the month” and could we come to the award ceremony –TOMORROW? We both dropped everything to re-arrange work schedules to attend. That was around 10am. Then the same teacher called back 4 hours later, to explain there had been an “incident” at lunchtime. Barley and another child had gotten into a ruckus, and when both got benched at recess, our sweet-natured child repeated over and over again, “J is a stupid-head, J is a stupid-head” He refused to stop chanting this despite the recess teacher’s instruction. Sooo…given that the theme of the month was “Respect for others”….it just did not seem right for Barley to be recognized with an award this month….maybe next time. (sigh)
    The kicker was that Barley DID get called up on stage after all, was granted an award in front of the school–along with another child from his room. It was then confiscated before the end of the day by the substitute teacher who realized her error. Mike was very disappointed by the whole thing….I just had to laugh at the irony of it all.

  35. Katie in MA

    Kids these days. They do say…er…belch the darndest things. :)

    Despite that, Atta-boy, Monkey?

  36. megs

    Braces are one thing, but I had a palate expander that was a continuous food trap for anything larger than a raisin that entered my mouth. And the only way to dislodge the food was to suck LOUDLY until the food broke free. Talk about enjoyable eating experiences…

  37. Janet Geddis

    I won a bunch of awards in school and was forced to perform in horrendous musicals once or twice a year as part of my elementary school’s chorus. Note: I couldn’t sing. Note: the musicals were atrocious–_The Nutcracker_ with lyrics?! Ugh. My parents are extremely loving and supportive but tended to skip everything but the end-of-year spectacular ceremonies. (And during those, I’d often notice my dad strolling out the back door of the cafeteria nonchalantly, off for a one hour walk while the other moms and dads stayed in their seats.)

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