Hey, I have a handy tip I’d like to share with y’all. Because I’m helpful, that way. And I know that you will thank me, because this one is a real gem.
Here it is: Do not let an orthodontist put the first set of braces on your child the day before a four-day weekend. YOU’RE WELCOME!
I know, it seems like a silly thing, but OH MY GOD, just trust me on this one. Because you’ll be all “Ho hum, braces today, make sure we’re having soft food for dinner, no problem,” and then you’ll leave early to get into the carpool line so as to pick the child up immediately after school so as to make it to the orthodontist’s office (which is, of course, located across town, as far away as humanly possible from where you live but still within the same city), and then he’ll get the braces on and everyone will smile and praise him for being such a good boy, and then you’ll drive BACK across town and get inside the house and have just about set down your purse and taken off your shoes and checked your email when that same child will say, “Mama? Don’t be mad. I think I broke them.”
And you will say “OH DON’T BE SILLY, YOU CAN’T BREAK YOUR BRACES! HAHA!” and then you will look in his mouth and GOOD LORD, HIS BRACES ARE BROKEN. There’s a wire! Sticking out of his mouth!
You will call the orthodontist back, and then drive back across town to get them fixed, and they will insist that they didn’t do anything wrong, the wire can just slip out if you mess with it too much, hahaha, funny thing, and then you will congratulate yourself for not punching everyone in the office in the face and demanding that they give you gas money. Instead, you will thank them for putting a couple of globs of glue on the wire as “stops” to keep Mr. Sensory Processing Disorder from tonguing the wire out of his mouth again.
You will then drive back home, serve soft food for dinner, and run out to a two-hour-long meeting, because you didn’t lose enough of your work time yet that day. Then you will go home and work into the wee hours and fall into bed, exhausted.
The next morning, you will tell your darling son to please please PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, STOP MESSING WITH YOUR BRACES, and you will pack lunches and send the children off to school and get back to all of the work you didn’t finish the day before. And then just as you’re getting ready to start preparing for the trip you’re about to take, the school will call.
“Hello, Mrs. Otto? This is Monkey’s teacher. I don’t know exactly what’s happening, but he seems to have… broken his braces? There’s a wire all sticking out.”
And then you will die of anger and frustration.
You will come back to life, drive over to school while calling the orthodontist, realize the orthodontist is now closed until Tuesday, hang up and call your husband, instead, and leave him a hysterical message, then you will go into your son’s third grade classroom, tap him on the head while he’s buried in a book and all his classmates shout “Hey MONKEY! It’s your MOM!” and then take him out into the hallway and FIX. HIS. DAMN. BRACES. (“Hey, good as new!” he will say, utterly unbothered. “See you later, Mama!”)
On the up side, he is still extremely adorable, even with the extra metal.
Needless to say, this was exactly what I wanted to be doing on the day before the Decatur Book Festival. GAH. Go ahead, ask me what I’m wearing tomorrow. Or what I’ll be reading. I HAVE NO CLUE. Hopefully I’ll figure it out. Anyway, come say hi to me and Kristen if you’re going to be there.
And here’s some more good news about Sleep Is for the Weak: we’ve teamed up with Eco-Libris to offset book sales with planted trees. I believe the Eco-Libris stickers will be available at some other events as a $1 add-on to your book purchase, but tomorrow in Decatur if you bring a book to us to sign, I have Eco-Libris stickers to give away to the first 100 books that cross my path. I don’t know if that makes me a tree-hugger or just a tree-planter, but there you have it.
I promise that I’m going to stop talking about Kitchen Table Reviews very soon, really, but very pretty reader Jill was kind enough to create an RSS feed for it, so that those of us who use feed readers don’t have to wait for Scholastic to get around to it. Thank you, Jill! Just as a reminder, there will be new posts every Friday. Today we’re talking about pee.
You’re welcome, again.