I guess the honeymoon’s over

By Mir
August 20, 2008

The nice thing about being a newlywed, the second time ’round, is that I’m old enough and wise enough (wise being a relative term, given that the first time ’round I was spending my time alternating between thinking “What have I DONE?” and “Maybe everyone is this miserable and no one tells you!”) to actually ENJOY it. I mean, what a concept, right? Enjoying your mate? Basking in the glow of two (or in our case, four) lives meshing together in a way that doesn’t make you fantasize about killing anyone in their sleep? I hardly knew it was possible.

[And I’m not even just saying that because this weekend the kids renamed Marco Polo to Otto Polo and squealed and splashed in the pool while Otto chased them.]

Unfortunately, if I’m being totally honest, I have to confess that… well, we do have a problem. A small problem. It’s nothing, in the grand scheme of things. Really.

But… Otto and I are having a problem in bed.

[That loud THUNK you just heard was all of Otto’s siblings and friends and colleagues scrambling backwards from the computer as fast as they possibly could. Um. Sorry about that.]

Now, longtime readers know that I’m not one to share this sort of thing, generally. I’m a fairly private person about certain delicate matters. I like to leave the more risque blogging to others. But as much as I’d hoped—for the first year and change—that we would figure this out on our own, it simply hasn’t happened. And so now I’m going to share, in a last-ditch attempt to find a solution.

Okay. Here goes:

It turns out that… that….

Geez, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. Okay:

It turns out that Otto is a clear-the-perimeter kind of sleeper, whereas I am a huddle-together-in-case-of-emergency kind of sleeper. Simply put, I like to snuggle up and he needs to be unencumbered to fall asleep.

(What? You thought that… what?? Ewwww. Please.)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining, per se. I used to be married to a sleep-groper and BELIEVE YOU ME, I am mightily relieved to no longer wake up on the very edge of the bed with a body crushed up behind me and a hand up my shirt. (Not that I object to those activities in principle, it’s just that I prefer being groped when I’m awake. By someone who is also awake. Details.) I have a healthy appreciation of Otto’s need to sleep in his own space.

But there is little I like more in this world than curling up to my husband’s back and falling asleep with one arm flung around him. I can’t help it! He’s warm and cozy and he smells good. IS THAT SO WRONG?

We are at something of an impasse. If he falls asleep before I do, I can snuggle up to him without waking him up, usually, and that’s fine. And if I fall asleep before him, he can tolerate a few minutes of snuggling and then disentangle himself without waking me up. But if we’re equally sleepy at the same time, I want to “barnacle up” (as he calls it) and he wants to stretch out and not be touched.

Oh, he’s trying to increase his tolerance and I am trying to cut back on my cuddling. But then we end up with things like last night—when I was nearly asleep, facing away, and NOT TOUCHING HIM—when this happened:

Otto: How do you go to the doctor’s office?
Me: Mmmph?
Otto: Which way do you go to the doctor’s office? Which street do you take?
Me: I… I don’t know, the one by the pizza place… why?
Otto: Oh, because if you go the other way and turn after the church, you go right by my office.
Me: Ooooooo…kaaaaaaaay….
Otto: You know, if you wanted to drop Monkey off with me when you take Chickadee.
Me: Oh! Right. Mkay, well, could we talk about this when I’M NOT ASLEEP?
Otto: Oh, sure. Sorry. Go back to sleep.

And then Otto rolled away from me to face the other way, and all I had to do was turn over and roll a bit, myself, to be full-body glued to his back. So I did.

Otto: [*insert loud sighing here*] You did that on purpose.
Me: What?
Otto: You barnacled up! As soon as I turned over!
Me: Dude, I was ASLEEP and you starting grilling me about driving routes. This is your own damn fault.
Otto: You waited until I rolled over and then glommed right on!
Me: No, I was sleeping and then you woke me up.
Otto: [*insert loud sighing here*]
Me: I am so telling the world that we’re having problems in bed.
Otto: [*insert loud sighing here*]

I almost felt sorry enough for him not to write about it.



  1. Megan

    I wonder if eventually Otto will develop sixth, blog-awareness sense that will kick in when his brain isn’t working properly – some sort of preservation instinct that will tingle when a blogitunity is about to present itself and he should probably be quiet before he says something quotable?

    Also I can now add to my list of there-are-two-kinds-of-people categories. To the twinkie/fig newton and hot/cold sleeper I will note down barnacle/solitary oyster. Good to know!

  2. threeundertwo

    When I see movies with couples all tangled up sleeping, it gives me the heebie-jeebies.

    I’m afraid I’m with your husband on this one (strictly in a manner of speaking of course!)

  3. Brigitte

    Hee hee, that WAS totally his fault. At our house, I’m the “need my space” sleeper while the husband wants to snuggle up, but since my husband falls asleep first 99.9% of the time, I can evade his sleep clutches. Sadly, though, this is why he refuses to get a king-sized bed, he figures if there’s less space, there’s more of a barnacle-chance!

  4. Kimmers

    I LOVE the phrasing… “You barnacled up!” hahaha. I’m totally the barnacle in my relationship, but 2 years in my boyfriend has adjusted to it pretty well and can now sleep while barnacled. So take heart!

  5. StephLove

    I can’t fall asleep if someone’s touching me either. So why am I co-sleeping with a two year old? Good question.

  6. Therese

    I hate to disillusion anyone here, but this thing may never be resolved. (Call me a wet towel, ‘kay?) Hubby and I have been married 26 years. He’s a snuggler, and I’m all get out of my face. There will never be an adjustment. But something must be working OK after all these years, right????

  7. Jenny

    I’m a barnacle, too! Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to be a problem for my chosen surface; and usually within a short time of falling asleep we each migrate back to our separate quadrants of the bed. We can apparently *fall* asleep that way, just not *stay* asleep that way. The sleep-groping, now — that occurs upon occasion and it always goes like this:

    Me (hissing and flailing): What are you DOING?
    Him (asleep and feebly groping): Mmmmph?
    Me (still hissing): Aack. Stop it.
    Him: *snort, mumble*
    Me: GEEZ.

    And at first, I was all, shouldn’t I *want* to be groped? Is this some sign of a problem? But I’ve come around to the position that, dude, no, not while we’re both asleep.

  8. Burgh Baby

    Oh, how I feel for Otto in this instance. I have dreams -BIG DREAMS- of one night being able to sleep peacefully without a husband, two dogs, two cats, and a toddler barnacled up to me. Is it too much to ask that I be able to sleep with a Bulldog butt on my face, a toddler strapped to my arm, a Lhasa on my stomach, a cat on each foot, and a husband groping whatever body parts are left exposed? I think not.

    I feel for you, Otto, I really do.

  9. Stacia

    My husband is the snuggler and I can not fall asleep if more than a foot or a hand is touching me. He gets 5 to 10 minutes of snuggle time a night before I roll over and go to sleep. Since he is in the navy and used to sleeping alone (and falling asleep quickly, because you never know how much sleep you’ll actually get) he’s usually asleep before I’m done rolling over. But yeah, it is an issue on weekends. How come we never think to ask the snuggle question before we get married?

  10. Leandra

    Fortunately, hubs and I are both non-touchers. We like to snuggle for a few minutes and then go our separate ways to the our own side of the bed. Something happened to my hormones during my pregnancies and now it’s wayyy too hot to snuggle for very long.

  11. Karen

    I feel for Otto. I am a “don’t touch me while I am sleeping” person. I always say snuggling is for bonding and sleeping is for sleeping. The two need not be related. If I had my choice I would go back to the days where we each had our own twin bed. Less chance of accidental contact that way.

    Good luck finding your balance.

  12. All Adither

    I want to be a sleep snuggler, but, alas, I am not. I’ve effectively retrained my husband to not be a sleep snuggler too. It’s a little sad.

  13. Deb

    I’m with Leandra…after having my son, the hot flashes (or heat waves as my son calls them lol)are too severe in the night so I NEED MY SPACE! I like to snuggle for a few minutes, then need my own area to sleep.

  14. Jackie Hall

    Hey Mir,

    My husband wants to cuddle I on the other hand want some room. What we have agreet to do is have some part of our bodies touching. Say my foot touching his leg or my hand on his back. As long as he feels some part of me touching him he can fall asleep and is a happy camper. Not being smothered makes me a happy camper. Maybe this would be something you two can work out. Just a suggestion. I understand every marriage/relationship is different and this might not work for him or you.

    BTW this was a great thing to write about because I’m sure more people out there are having the same issues.

    PS. How is Otto’s mom? Is she home safe and sound/

    PPS. That was sweet of Otto to offer to keep monkey while you and chickade go to the dr….. even if he did wake you up. Its nice to be thought of. :-) (yes I know he is not perfect but who is!)

    Have a great week!

  15. Tress

    I haven’t been by here in a while, but I find that, as always, you are kinda sorta living my exact life but very far away…

    Meaning that I, also, was once married to a sleep-groper. The sleeping hand up the shirt? So remember that and SO HATED IT. Don’t know how I even stayed on the bed, I was teetering so precariously on the edge of it most nights. And now? Well, you’re ahead of me on the remarried front, but have become fond of “barnacle” mode with the BF. Just goes to show you, it’s the person and not the institution that makes the difference.

  16. Trish C

    Heh, I’m with you. My husband has just learned to live with it after 15 years. He even admitted the other day that it feels weird to sleep without being barnacled on those occasions when I’m away.

  17. Trisha

    Too funny! Good luck working it out – it sounds like Otto is being a very good sport about it all! Hubby and I have issues with watching tv in bed before falling asleep. I would rather not and he love it. *sigh* Marriage is such hard work!

  18. cupcake40

    We are a combination of the two. My husband (when he doesn’t fall asleep on the couch) sleeps facing away from me, but doesn’t mind me snuggling up to his back. I NORMALLY like to fall asleep on my stomach which doesn’t leave much chance of snuggling. A kind of compromise in our household.

  19. Erin

    Ha! We have this problem, too. When my husband and I first got together, I had a twin-sized bed, but lived alone, and he had a double, but lived with two other people. Despite bed size, my place was the preferable place to be (and it also had my adorable cat, so there’s that, too). Within a couple of weeks, I’d ordered a brand-new queen-sized bed, but until it arrived, the two of us slept TOGETHER on the TWIN-SIZED BED every single night! Of course, basking in the glow of new love and adoration, it was not a big deal–we were smooshed together and loving it.

    But I tell you true–now I cannot fall asleep while snuggling. I need my own space where it’s cooler and no one is smooshed against me. And he’s a cuddler.

    So I hear you, Mir–just be glad you’re not sharing a twin bed. (HOW DID WE DO IT?!)

  20. Randi

    I love cuddling/being cuddled too. Fortunately I don’t have too big of a problem, as the hubby is fine with either.

    My suggestion? Get a really big body pillow and put it between the two of you – then you’re all great!

  21. Jenn

    Barnacled up, ha!

  22. Poppy Buxom

    I am an oyster married to a barnacle. He leaves me alone, but occasionally, when I’m minding my own business, an enormous male foot enters my space.

    A male foot with its deadly, not-filed-completely-smooth (because he doesn’t get pedicures because pedicures aren’t manly, duh) but clipped and a teensy bit jagged big toe nail.

    If you want to see me bounce off the bed and stick to the ceiling, touch me with your big toe nail. I’m just sayin’.

    OK, now that I’ve skeeved everyone out, my work here is done.

  23. Aimee

    Hee! I feel for you, Mir. I’m a barnacle, and my warm, cozy and good-smelling husband is an oyster. Our compromise is that I get to barnacle for a few minutes before sleep, and then we roll over and go to sleep. He can tolerate a *little* touching while he sleeps, like if my back’s against his, but anything more than that and he can’t sleep.

    Maybe when Otto gets too close to the perimeter, you can play Otto Polo to get him to come a little closer to you!

  24. Lucinda

    I’m with Leanne. We are both non-touchers. In fact we’ve joked about how lucky we are that we are the same. We snuggle for about 5-10 minutes and then go to our separate corners which is really easy in the king-sized bed! But when I’m feeling cuddly (bad dream etc.), I usually settle for touching feet or something like that. I just get too warm snuggling. Good luck.

  25. Amy

    We have this problem too but my husband agrees to snuggle because he ALWAYS falls asleep first. And then he’s just dead weight and I can’t breath so I push him off me and then he gets his way anyway!

  26. Karen

    Mir, you are too funny. I have to admit, I think I may be a sleep groper. (Something about my hand on a manly chest is so comforting.) However, I am not a barnacle. Too HOT. So, I have to be careful with the groping, since he is a barnacle. Good luck in finding your balance.

  27. Patricia

    I too am a barnacle. However, my husband is the WORST of all. He is a ‘tucker’ — in that he must tuck ALL the sheets and blankets around his body effectively pinning ME to the bed, while stealing covers. So not cool.

    I fear that after 9 years of this, he’s only slightly improved and I’ve worked out how to get my cuddle in before I fall asleep.

  28. Flea

    LOL!!! We’ve been married 16 years and have gone through various stages with this problem in bed. Sometimes I’m the cuddler, sometimes the Hunny is. Usually when the other is NOT. And now the Hunny sleeps with pillows propped up to support his back, as well as a mask for his sleep apnea, so cuddling only happens when we’re both awake. It sucks.

    You have your love, Mir. That’s all you need, right? :D

  29. Pamela

    I am an oyster. I have a horrible feeling that my husband is a barnacle and is just being polite.

  30. Stephanie Chance

    My husband and I are both ‘don’t touch me’ sleepers. We might cuddle for a few minutes if we go to bed at the same time, but when it is time to sleep, we both roll over back to back. Just so we don’t feel that we are neglecting the other, we each reach a foot back and hold feet for awhile.

    Otto, drink a few beers and skip the bath before bedtime. Also turn up the air. If you snore and stink and are sweaty, she won’t want to touch you. :)

  31. jennielynn

    Yeah, but did you slip your hands down his pjs and grab his tush? Tell him it could totally be worse.

  32. jen

    Yeah, my husband is a bed hog. He takes his half of the bed from the middle, gloms on, and it’s a long night. I get my best sleep of the night when he gets up at 5:30 to work out. Ooh…a whole hour of enjoyable sleep. ;) So, sorry, I feel for Otto here. LOL!

  33. The Other Leanne

    Ooh, I think I read this very same thing in Carolyn Hax’s advice column the other day and it wasn’t pretty…something like, “Yes, love is precious, but sleep is sacred.”
    I often wonder why we force ourselves to sleep together in the first place…who can rest with all that snoring and sweating and farting and tossing/turning and fantasizing about murder?

  34. Mara

    Yeah my husband and I are just like that but flipped. He’s the snugglebear, I’m the INEEDSPACEPLEASE one. He loved it when we lived in Vermont and it was so cold in our bedroom that I’d snuggle up just for warmth/survival…

  35. Holly

    Oh I am SO with Otto on this one! And Jenny too! I’m a clear the bed type sleeper, husband is a sleep-groper sleeper. So usually I’m teetering on the edge of the bed, barely sleeping for fear of being groped. Ugh! And like Therese, something must be working right here. We’ve survived 15 years without me killing him during one of his sleep-gropes. But I doubt things will ever change. I do however, have hope for you & Otto that you will find a nice, sleepable compromise! :-)

  36. Cele

    Oh I so love this…and look forward to more. Poor Otto, you will never get to the hot flash stage where you don’t want him near you after two minutes of contact.

  37. Kemi

    Mir, THANK YOU for putting a name to my husband’s nocturnal habits. Sleep Groper! I am totally calling him that from now on.

    I try to keep my sleep distance for two reasons: First of all, he is like a space heater, and I get too hot. Second, if there is any sort of contact, even with a jagged toenail, it’s like an open invitation to flop over and begin said groping.

    I used a body pillow when I was pregnant, and I found that when my round tummy no longer needed support, the pillow gave me a little protection against the grope attacks. It’s my barrier/weapon of choice. ;)

  38. Someone Being Me

    My husband and I are the opposite. I cannot sleep with someone touching me and he would prefer to be glued to someone. As someone on the other side of the issue I can tell you that my main issue is all the body heat. I can’t sleep if I am hot and having someone glued to you usually means heat or even worse, sticky sweat. I also find I end up getting chased to the edge of the bed and I hate that. We have a king sized bed so there is room enough for both of us with no one hanging off the edge. If he pushes me far enough to the edge I will crawl over him and sleep on his nice empty, cold side of the bed.

  39. the gazelle

    I’m with Karen with the twin bed regression, although I’d really prefer two queen sized beds – I like my space. My husband is the snuggler, and often I’ll wake up covered in husband & cats. Blech.

  40. Karen

    Funny thing about this is my boyfriend thinks I am a barnacle when really I am not. He complains that now even though we have a king size bed I am always on his side and still right next to him. I like to cuddle for a few minutes but I cannot fall asleep that way. Once I am relaxed I HAVE to roll over to my side of the bed and not be touching him before I can actaully fall asleep. I can think of maybe 3 times in my whole life I have been exhausted enough to actually be able to fall asleep while barnacled to someone else. It also takes me a few minutes to fall asleep. Apparently my boyfriend falls asleep pretty quickly and usually before I have de-barnacled so I understand him thinking that I always have to be touching him.

  41. Sheila

    Otto has to stop saying/doing charming things within sixty minutes of bedtime. Offering to take one kid for you while the other goes to an appointment? Awwww… so thoughtful. Which naturally leads to a “Lemme give you a squeeze, you lovable hunk, you” kind of response. If he weren’t so darn lovable, you wouldn’t want to grab onto him all night (and day).

  42. Headless Mom

    I’m Otto and Headless Dad is you.

    Now after 10 1/2 years we have it worked out. Snuggles (or barnicles) for a while, then separate. Perfect balance for us.

  43. Katie in MA

    Otto gets 1,000 bonus points if he actually used the word ‘glommed’ while you were both sort of (but not really) asleep. Sigh. I love a man who knows what to do with his words.

    BUT – I’m with you, Mir. I’m a happy little barnacle. :)

  44. Mom, Ink.

    Paging down…
    Searching for Otto’s clever retort in the comments.

    WHAT? Nothing? Otto, I’m so disappointed. Listen, between you and me? Smelling good is your problem. A problem easily solved with a good post-bedtime workout. Or a garlic necklace. Your choice.

  45. Damsel

    This is quite possibly one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a LONG time (and the comments are hilarious, too)!!

    Thanks for making my day. :-)

  46. Tanya

    Ok all you lovely women, at least your husband sleeps with you! Mine never comes to bed before 3:30 or 4:30am because every night he falls alseep somewhere in our house other than a bed. Then he has th nerve to complain he is tired. I have absolutely no sympathy since he has the choice to go into a bed to sleep. So needless to say if it is 4:30am and I have to get-up at 5:30am there will be NO TOUCHING and interupting my last hour of sleep dang it! No on the shocking occurance he goes to bed at the same time as me then he is the “barnacle” and I am the “get your body on your side of the bed” kind of a girl.

    Good luck with the Barnacle problem!

  47. The Other Other Dawn

    I was a barnacle married to a whale. A beached whale, who could only roll over by flapping around like a dying fish, grabbing the blankets and pulling them up by pulling them up in the air so that cold air would rush down all the way to my toes. Being bounced around whilst simultaneously flash frozen over and over again all night is so not fun.

    Now I’m a happy little barnacle all snuggled up in pillows alone in a queen-sized bed. Heaven!

  48. Charise

    My fiance and I both need space when we sleep, but also like snuggling. So we generally cuddle up for a couple minutes, and often fall asleep with our hands or feet or something touching.

    Unless we’ve been drinking. In which case I have no problem passing out all entangled with him.

  49. Tara

    I am the one who likes to be barnacled up too. I don’t reciprocate, and my husband does not like to be touched while he is sleeping. He gives me the “sleeper hold” while I fall asleep, and then he rolls over and goes to sleep without disturbing me. Sometimes, it is too hot so I just roll over after a couple of minutes. If I touch him during the night, he wakes up right away and gets totally huffy. I hope you can find some kind of balance here.

    Last night though–so his fault!!! Who has a conversation like that with someone who is almost asleep!!!! Gaaaaaaaaaa! But the offer was sweet. Gotta love that Otto.

  50. June

    Ack! The sleep groping drives me crazy! My husband loves to grab my butt in the middle of the night and it always wakes me up. And once I’m awake, it takes forever to fall back to sleep! No touching during sleep!

  51. dad

    Ah, the age old old conundrum of cuddle versus curdle.

    I prefer being touched to sleeping. If I’m already asleep, it doesn’t make any difference. An ice cold foot or a clanging fire alarm bell mounted on my forehead probably won’t even wake me. Let the games continue.

  52. Stationery Guy

    I like cuddling for awhile but then the body heat drives us apart. Unless it’s really chilly, we usually drift apart.

  53. Joshilyn

    I am the barnacle from HELL! I am not sorry.

    We have a kingsize bed and Scott sleeps on a TEENY SLICE OF THE EDGE because we START in the middle, and he is so HOT NATURED that he snooches away in his sleep and I FOLLOW in MY sleep and he snooches and I follow all night until we are using 1/8th of the mattress and he is HOVERING OVER THE FLOOR and I am happy as clams pasted to his back.


  54. susie

    Save your marriage – buy a body pillow. “Cuddle versus curdle” – love it.

  55. Heather

    I am so amused by these comments! I think I’d be a short-term barnacle and them sleep alone. But I’ll let you know when I’m married ;-)
    Also amused by “glommed” and “barnacle up”!

  56. TC

    The solution in our house…one hand under the thigh. It keeps the connection, but it’s not at all barnacle-y.

  57. Steve

    Otto should lay off the Axe Body Spray :P

  58. tj

    Barnacle up eh? What a great way to say it.

    Sorry no advice from me, we both sleep the same way. The body pillow idea sounds good though :)

  59. Kimmer

    Priceless. And don’t we all relate?

    This will be an issue for a lifetime. But it’s one we can grin and BARE (remember that Otto).

  60. Beth

    Dad, you rock! I’m with you — as soon as I’m asleep, flaming elephants could tapdance on my pillow and I wouldn’t notice.

    When I have the chance to sleep with my dear BF (long-distance sucks!), I like to snuggle for a few minutes then roll away and assume my sleeping position: sprawled on my stomach like a tossed aside stuffed animal :-) We’re both sort of a barnacle/oyster mix, so it works out.

  61. Scottsdale Girl

    King size bed + 3 cats = get the freak away from me or die when sleepy time comes around.

  62. Claudious

    I love this problem! I’m very much like Otto in the bed sharing department, I know how to be comfortable, and I don’t need help (and really prefer not to have help) getting there. While she cradles onto me in order to fall to sleep. The solution is easy, I let her cuddle to me till she falls asleep, and once she’s out enough to not notice, I push her gently onto her side and roll over to be comfortable. A small price to pay, but I like it.

  63. Angela

    We have the same issue at our house except my husband is the cuddler and I’m the for-the-love-of-everything-good-in-this-world-don’t-touch-me-when-I’m-falling-asleep. Its a struggle we’re still coming to understand….one day, one day…

  64. becky

    Our problem? I love to snuggle, especially because hubby is a heater. Unfortunately, when he’s warm, he doesn’t want someone glomming on to him. He’ll tolerate it if my feet are cold, though. But not during the winter – he hates it when I put my ice-cold feet in the back of his knees.

    What? His knees are so nice and warm I just can’t help myself. He should get used to it instead of jumping halfway across the bed. They can’t be THAT cold.

  65. David

    Barnacle? *snort* Too funny. You too, Joss. =)

  66. Amy-Go

    Sleep naked. Then maybe Otto won’t care. ;)

  67. Astrogirl426

    Oh Otto, poor Otto, has he not learned his lesson? He was home free – you were just about asleep, he was _this close_ >

  68. Hip Mom's Guide

    Ah, tough love. We have the same scenario and although we tried compromise, it didn’t really help us SLEEP. So we snuggle a bit until it’s time to say good-night, then I go way over on my side so I don’t bother him by TOUCHING him. It’s special.

  69. Amy

    Mir, I was just wasting time reading the Flagpole, and you don’t seem to be the only person in town having that problem. Check out the end of this article: http://flagpole.com/Comics/RealityCheck/30Jul08/2008-07-30

    I cracked up when I read it since you’d just put up this post.

    Also, at least he’s not suggested you go sleep in the other room :-)

  70. luann

    The weight of an extra blanket on your side of the bed might provide you with the warmth & comfort you get from snuggling. Honestly, I always have to get another blanket when my husband is away. (1 quilt = 1 body; on a cold night you may want to fold it over.)

  71. Heather Cook

    Oh he so brought that on himself. Yes, he did. Don’t wake a sleeping MOM is about as well-known as don’t wake a sleeping baby. Is he on crack?

  72. Lauren

    I’m a barnacle and my boyfriend is the oyster. We have both made compromises over time. But, what I’ve found is that I don’t need to do a full barnacle or spoon to get my “touch quota.” I often just need to be shoulder to shoulder, drape a leg over his, or put my hand on his side. I’m not fully pressed against him.

    Lastly, we have come to a point where I only want to be close for a couple of minutes because it helps me unwind, but then I can make some space. And he is tolerant of those few minutes. If I wanted to be wrapped around him all night, he would certainly object.

  73. Neil

    This is such a common marital issue, I bet you some smart business person could come up with some sort of “sleep therapist” to help couples better adjust to each other in bed through hypnosis or feng shui nonsense.

  74. Vicki

    LMAO! This post absolutely cracked me up and the comments are just as funny! My hubby and I are both the kind of people who WANTTHEIROWNDAMNSPACE to sleep. Which is great. Except when I was pregnant. I was always hot like a furnace because of carrying twins and I always wanted to cuddle for some strange reason. I think I almost drove my hubby crazy. One morning I had snuggled up to his back and put my arm under his pillow. When I woke up I had morning sickness so bad I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. I ended up leaned over him and puking off his side of the bed. He said if I ever do that to him again, he’ll never sleep in the same bed with me…ever. LOL. I didn’t barnacle up to him anymore after that. Talk about waking up to a nightmare!

  75. lizneust

    Boy do I feel you on this one. Wait, not literally… I um just get where you are coming from. There, all better.

    So anyhoo, we have the same issue in my house. My husband likes to cuddle with me pre-sleep, but when it is time to seriously focus on the inside of his eyelids, he rolls away. And if I pull up behind him, I make him “hot.” And not in a good way. So our rule of thumb has become the following: Snuggling (usually while reading) for X period of time until one or both parties get sleepy. He then rolls away and I get a few minutes cuddled up against his back. (why do husbands smell so good? why?) When he has had enough, he either tells me (if he thinks I am still awake) or (if I’m asleep/close to sleep) he, I don’t know, harrumphs and I roll over. It’s a complicated little dance but it mostly works.

    Also, we have a key rule in my house. No questions once the lights are off that cannot be answered Yes or NO. Anything else requires too much thought and/or too much potential to turn into one of those stupid, overtired fights about nothing.

    Hope you guys figure it out.

  76. Melissa

    This had me grinning the whole time because my husband and I had to go through something like this. He’s the hates to be touched type and I’m the want to fall asleep on his shoulder type but I also like sleeping on my stomach so that was okay. But now at about a year and a half of marriage, our bed is suddenly getting smaller. Why? Because he’s suddenly starting to migrate over towards me to sorta kinda cuddle up….. while he’s asleep! So maybe in time yours will do that too. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.

  77. KD @ A Bit Squirrelly

    I feel you both. I am a space keeper and C is a groper….Of course I am inclined to snuggle..on my own terms.

  78. Shannon B.

    Haha! I’m the opposite of you with my Fiancee — he likes to touch me and I need to be untouched while sleeping, but when I’m taking naps, I can sleep curled up no problem. Not sure why that is!

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