Just a quickie, today, as I am having some difficulty extracting this gigantic stick that seems to be lodged up my… oh, nevermind. I’m really not fit for public consumption, is my point, but I did want to tell you about something that happened yesterday.
The genetics that combined to form my children gave them many fabulous things—such as large brains and long eyelashes—but it also saddled them with a few things they probably could’ve done without, such as really crooked teeth.
We’ve been doing the mouth modification thing for quite a while, already. Why, I went back and checked, and it was nearly two years ago when Chickadee took her first trip to the orthodontist, and I was quite bowled over at the time by all of the STUFF modern orthos seem to have on tap to hold the kids’ attention. Video games. Prizes. Heroin. You know.
Well, Chickadee paid her dues—twice. First she had teeth extracted and then later had a gum graft. (Beauty is pain, Princess! But all for the good of having a pretty smile and also the ability to chew!) Really, she’s had more than her share of dental anguish since all of this began, and so I think we were ALL relieved when we moved here and it was suddenly Monkey’s turn to undergo treatment while Chickadee went into the “observation” track with the new orthodontist.
Monkey, meanwhile, stopped eating for a week after getting a mouthful of metal, and slowly—oh so very slowly—has adjusted to the new state of affairs and is doing fine.
Right. That brings us up to recently. A few weeks ago, Monkey went to the orthodontist and they said CONGRATULATIONS, YOU WIN MORE METAL! and that means that he has been such a STELLAR patient what with his NEWLY-EXPANDED PALATE that they are actually going to put the first few sets of brackets for his braces on in another couple of weeks. If we are SUPER LUCKY (and I think we will be, because that’s how we roll), this will ONCE AGAIN trigger all of his sensory issues and cause him to stop eating and turn into the Incredible Hulk for a week. I CAN’T WAIT!
Meanwhile, yesterday Chickadee went in for her 6-month observation, and they did exactly the same thing they did the last time (six months ago), which is to peek inside her mouth and say “Looks good! Come back in six months!” Except that THIS time the hygienist asked if she’d been “inducted into the club” last time, and we said no, and that’s when she went away and came back with a big pile of swag.
Apparently, while you’re just being observed at this practice, you’re in the Kids’ Club! This is where they butter you up by giving you all manner of prizes and crap every time you come in, so that by the time they fill your jaw up with pokey metal bits you’ll just be all “Yay! I got sparkly pencils! When can I come back again?” And that’s… fine… I guess… except for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING my daughter walked out of there with a t-shirt and a lanyard and a special badge and a pencil case and some stickers. She was—of course—delighted.
We picked up Monkey in the waiting room and he surveyed her haul.
“Did you get all of that in there?” He asked. She nodded, and explained to him how she’ll get prizes EVERY TIME SHE COMES. “Will I get that stuff the next time I come?” he asked me, hopefully.
“Ummmm… no, baby. I’m sorry. The next time you come, you’re getting braces.”
Yeah. THAT’s fair. If you get wired up and tormented on your visits, your reward is an extended lecture about how to properly brush your teeth. If you just bop in and look pretty, you get prizes.
What genius came up with THAT scheme??