Quality bonding time

By Mir
July 7, 2008

My husband and my Kira just left for the airport, and try though I did to come up with some sort of viable diversion (“Um, someone stole both of our cars! And there is only one flight from Atlanta to Denver each month so I guess that’s that!”), in the end Kira opted to return home to her family rather than staying here with me forever. That bitch.

I love her to pieces. Just in case that wasn’t clear. You know, because I am so shy and hesitant to share my feelings. I do think Otto is a little relieved that the rampant and random declarations of love are going to cease. For some weird reason it’s okay with him if I spontaneously declare my love for HIM, but he seemed uncomfortable when I felt the need to turn to Kira and say “I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.” I don’t know what his problem is. It’s probably because he wasn’t breastfed.

ANYWAY, as I mentioned before, it was a very busy weekend, and we were driving to the airport to get Kira and then driving out to Joshilyn’s for the 4th of July and then back here and then the kids left and really, it was just busy and exhausting. Which is probably how it came to be that last night we found ourselves just parked on the recliner couch watching horrible television.

There was a part of me that felt like this was a waste of precious time; with three years between visits, could I justify just sitting side by side on the couch, watching TV for hours on end? But the answer to that question, my Pretties, was easily answered with a resounding HELL YES because of one beautiful word: Bridezillas.

I… I… just a sec. I just have a little something in my eye.

There is no finer show on the airwaves for unadulterated guilty entertainment. I’m just telling you because I care and I want to share the love. And possibly the shame. Because we were tired, and flipping around, and came across the title on the guide and said, “Huh. Let’s check that out.” And before we knew it, we’d been watching Bridezillas FOR THREE HOURS.


And I have to tell you, Otto’s tolerance for craptastic television is MUCH lower than mine. The fact that this went on for so long and he didn’t get up and leave is VERY TELLING. It tells you that this was the horrible kind of mesmerizing television that is totally HILARIOUS.

Our first bride explains that she IS a princess and she will be treated as such. Her wedding day is ALL ABOUT HER and it’s her way or the highway.

“Highway, please!” said Kira.

“How do you suppose they GET these women, I mean find them, and then get their consent to be taped? I mean, do you think they tell them that they’re from a show called BRIDEZILLAS or do they say they’re making a documentary about weddings or what?” I asked her.

“I think,” said Kira, holding up a finger for emphasis, and putting on a very serious face indeed, “That they call them up and tell them that they are making a show about PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESSES and that they heard that SHE was the PRETTIEST PRINCESS OF THEM ALL. And then it goes from there.”

I had to agree. Kira is SMART.

Anyway, our first pretty pretty princess was not so much with the skinny. Which is FINE. We had no issues with her weight. But, see, she was having trouble getting into her wedding dress, because—as she said—it had just been Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s, and also because of the feed bag she had strapped to her snout. So then we get some footage of Lil Miss Princess explaining to the person behind the camera, “I don’t need to lose any weight, I’m just gonna get me a new dress. I don’t really like that one anymore, anyway. I’m just gonna make a sad face like this and my parents’ll buy me a new one.”

Well, the princess’ Mom said no and the Dad wavered a bit but said no, the Pretty Pretty Princess stamped her feet and told the camera that she was just gonna eat a bunch more until there was NO WAY she could POSSIBLY fit into that dress, and then they’d HAVE to buy her a new one.

(The new dress she wanted, by the way, cost $1000—easily one of the most expensive dresses they had in the strip mall store where they were shopping.)

It’s a trainwreck of the highest order, delicious and mesmerizing. When Pretty Pretty Princess finally figures out that her parents simply aren’t going to cave on the new dress, she pouts and whines and said “Well what about those purses I wanted? And those shoes?” Her mother gently tells her that she’s just looking for things to buy, now—what does she need three purses and four pairs of shoes for, anyway?

“WELL,” said Kira, “Clearly she needs one purse for her WAND!”

“And one for her FRIED CHICKEN,” I added (honestly, half the footage of this episode was of her bellied up to the trough, and while I know some of that is editing, it was hard to feel sorry for her while she was busy yelling at everyone and conniving to get her way)…

… “And one for her FATHER’S TESTICLES,” finished up Otto, as the on-screen dad told the mom, once again, that it’s “HER SPECIAL DAY” and she should “have what she wants.”

I have never loved Otto more than I did in that moment. I suspect Kira might be able to say the same.

Anyway, maybe we should’ve spent more time just talking or taking in some of the local scenery (although, HELLO, drought state, thanks for raining for three solid days while I had a guest), but if we had, we would’ve missed Pretty Pretty Princess stabbing her fiance in the head with a pair of scissors because he took away her whistle. Or miss the couple that’s getting married AGAIN after having been married for several years and divorcing and getting back together. That couple featured a real-life Barbie doll with the twangy Jersey accent to go with her fake boobs and her blond extensions, but at least she had an Emo teenage daughter who constantly told her to shut up. Oh, and, we might’ve missed the couple where one of the bridesmaids explained that you know, the bride is great, she’s just a little nervous and all, plus it’s her first wedding and she really wants it to be special.

Granted, it’s surely because of our own situations, but that line right there was COMEDY GOLD to everyone in the room. You really want the FIRST WEDDING to be special, you know, so that years later when you actually marry the RIGHT PERSON you can look back and say, “Thank GOD I chewed my bridesmaids out constantly. That TOTALLY made that marriage worth it!”

All in all, it wasn’t a bad way to pass an evening. Though I might as well tell you that we only stopped watching because the marathon ended.

Kira stood at the door this morning, ready to depart, and we hugged and she announced that I have a lovely smile and a wonderful laugh and she loved that on THIS visit she got to see so much of both. “I have really loved seeing you HAPPY,” she concluded. I agreed with her, wholeheartedly, that I have also really enjoyed BEING happy, and then I apologized (again) for spending much of our first visit together lo those many years ago weeping into my wine. THIS visit there was no weeping, only a constant marveling at what a difference a few years make, how lucky both of us continue to be, and how great it is to truly know how blessed we are.

The fact that we were able to cap it off with a marathon of crazy people was just a side bonus.


  1. Amy-Go

    I’m still bummed I only got to see you for such a short time on the fourth…but I’m with Kira, (who I LOVED, by the way) you look good happy. I MUST get myself back to Georgia so we can have a proper visit. With less children. And more Golf Clubs To The Head. Just sayin’.

  2. Crisanne

    Sounds like a fanstastic way to spend the last night with a dear friend! Glad to hear you had a nice weekend. And (from what you mentioned on Want Not), I’m pulling for nap over clean house!

  3. Kemi

    Bridezillas… I’ve heard of it. Now you’ve got me running to set my DVR.

    The purse paragraph was my favorite, BTW…

  4. annie

    Oh, the things I miss out on, not having television! Oddly enough, Offspring somehow still managed to develop the same sense of entitlement you describe the Bridezillas displaying. What is up with that?!

  5. Tootsie Farklepants

    I think Otto and Mr. Farklepants would be fast friends.

  6. Flea

    I wholeheartedly agree that that first wedding is important. Good thing the brides closest friends have such great perspective about it all. :)

  7. diane

    I’ve seen it…honestly, I think people are *proud* to be on the dang show. They see one person getting away with that sort of crap, and figure, “Hey! I can get everything I want too! Who cares if I alienate my friends, make my fiance reconsider marrying me and bankrupt my parents in the process!”

  8. jp

    What??? You didn’t watch the Red Sox/Yankee Game???

    HAHA………….I kept switching back and forth between the game and The Bridzilla Marathon. My Husband was less than thrilled, but it was my night to hold the remote!!!

    The thing that scares me about that kind of ‘Reality TV” is…….there are REALLY people like that walking around!!!


  9. Tammy

    I love me some Bridezillas…where else can you watch a train wreck in progress to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars??

    Ooooh, I know how they got them to behave this way…perhaps the producers *hinted* that there would be a grand prize for the best (worst?) Bridezilla!

  10. Libby

    “It’s a trainwreck of the highest order, delicious and mesmerizing”


    I love me some bridezillas. I have not seen it in ages but it’s painful and hilarious at the same time.

  11. threeundertwo

    I don’t have tv but I bet I’d love this show. I’ve played the harp for hundreds of weddings and I’ve met my share of amazing bridezillas. Sometimes my fees would magically go up, depending on how ridiculous their requests were.

    Sorry you had to say goodbye to such a good friend, sounds like a fun visit.

  12. Rebecca

    Sounds like a fun visit! Sometimes crappy tv is just necessary!

  13. Astrogirl426

    Ah, the joy that is Bridezillas. Back when we had satellite TV, I used to catch it every once in a while, and i LOVED IT. And yes, the women on it are proud to be Bridezillas – some of them even refer to themselves that way.

    I especially love when the bridezillas say that it’s “my special day”… Cause, you know, it’s not like there’s anyone else involved in that special day, or anything.

    The only thing better is “My Sweet 16”, another reality show along the same lines, only it follows girls who are planning their Sweet 16 party. I don’t know why they didn’t just call it “Bridezillas in Training”.

  14. jules

    They stare at me at work when spontaneous laughter errupts from my office… but the 3 purses dialogue? I might have snorted!

  15. Sarah H

    I’m that way with that MTV show about the sweet 16 parties. It must be the same people getting married later, because seriously? Who acts like that?!

  16. Jamie AZ

    Sounds like a great, relaxing way to spend an evening reminding yourself that you are “normal”! I’ll have to try to catch an episode sometime. 3 purses – bwwwaaaaaahhhh!

  17. Lindsay

    I have heard of justifying expenses because it’s the ‘FIRST wedding’ a couple times before, and then read it here this morning. Then I went to close down a bank account and when they asked why, I said my husband works at a different bank so might as well be over there. They told me I should have my own secret bank account with a stash of money in case we get divorced. Seriously????? Is this the mentality nowadays? I understand divorce is an eventual reality for some peple, but must it be the foregone conclusion?

  18. JSEE

    I am so glad you are happy, it is nice to know that there are actually a few women who manage to find happiness after the h*** that is divorce with small children. My children are still at their father’s, the summer visitation schedule which has them with him for three weeks in each of June and July ends in two weeks, and my children and I have suffered greatly. We need this summer to be over already and have some basic normalcy for awhile. Happiness for me is seems clearly to be unattainable…

  19. Sue @ My Party of 6

    That was one of the most hilarious things I have ever read!! And then I even had to wipe a tear at the last part. How very true!

  20. Daisy

    A dear friend found out years later that his wedding party had placed bets on how long the marriage would last.
    He outlasted them all. But what a terrible thing to hear, especially after divorcing!

  21. StephLove

    This makes me glad we only spent $1,000 on our commitment ceremony 16 1/2 years ago. We didn’t have much choice at the time, with one of us unemployed, the other underemployed and the parents not too enthusiastic about their daughters getting hitched. (They came around later.) We made the best of what we had and it actually was quite nice.

    My sister had a bigger wedding and she was divorced after 2 1/2 years. I sometimes say she got the wedding, but I got the marriage. I think I got the better deal.

  22. Norma

    Just today at work I asked my co-workers (nothing but men!) if they had seen Bridezillas. I got nothing but dead silence. I love my job but sometimes they just don’t get it when I want to girl talk!

  23. C.

    FIRST wedding!!! Hahahaha…sob.

  24. Heather P.

    Hi, I just surfed over from Joshilyn’s site.
    My mother and watch Bridezilla’s every Sunday night! I find myself actually hoping out-loud that these bratty girls get left at the alter! That same kind of Comedy Gold happens every weekend! Each gal is more horrible than the last! And it is freaking addictive!!

  25. Mom101

    I actually had a friend on the first Bridezilla (which was also the first and last one I ever watched). According to her she didn’t know the name of the show at the time. And fortunately for her, she just came across as stressed instead of spoiled or actually zilla-y.

    She said the nice thing about it is that they sent her all this footage of her getting ready, and getting married and it was great to watch so much of her life that she wouldn’t ordinarily have even remembered. On account of the stress and all.

    But I like the Pretty Princess theory better.

  26. caitmin

    Weddings – Just saw Ringo Star on Larry King Live – married 27 years – who\’d thought they can last

  27. Riley Nathanael

    Sounds like a fun weekend.

  28. Cele

    Oh and here Ducky and I spent are Sunday with a Deadliest Catches marathon.

  29. Randi

    Ya know, I’ve avoided that show…probably because I learned where those Princesses get their start – have you ever watched My Super Sweet 16? If not, seriously, catch it on TV or YouTube or something. You’ve never wanted to put a parent over your lap and spank them so badly before this, I swear!

  30. Aimee

    I am just gearing up to have my second utterly CRAPTASTIC day in a row at work (this one already started with toner spilled all over everything! WHEE.) but now I am consumed with jealousy at the notion of you and Otto AND Kira hanging out watching bad TV without ME. And I’ve never even seen Bridezillas, but now I want to. AND I’m married — and have not been married previously — but that line about the first wedding made me giggle. SO.

  31. jenn

    I so miss watching Bridezillas, but sadly I don’t watch it anymore because it just isn’t any fun to watch it by myself (when I can’t turn to someone and go “Oh no she didn’t!”) And my husband would literally rather have a colonoscopy, eat a bug, sit on a hill of red ants… anything you can think of that would be really excruciatingly unpleasant, he would choose it over watching Bridezillas. It simply WILL. NOT. HAPPEN. I want to know what you slipped in Otto’s drink.

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