Love fights the good fight, and speaks its truth as best it can, and trusts that things will work out the way they’re supposed to.
Love prays a lot. Love tries to figure out What’s Best in a situation where nothing feels optimal, where everything feels potentially catastrophic, where animosity and differences of opinions and realities seem neverending.
Love is staggered by what seems like a ridiculous solution where everyone loses—where a judge plays King Solomon (love’s worst fear) and rather than accepting either truth, chops up the innocents and waits for the other players to relent. Which, of course, they won’t. Can’t. On either side.
Love despairs and tries to put on a brave face while dying on the inside.
Love stops wallowing and goes back to praying.
Love finds a glimmer of hope and acceptance and grabs on for dear life. Love remembers that love maybe doesn’t conquer all, but sometimes is enough. And whether or not we can see eye to eye, there is plenty of love here. Whether it’s the same love or a different kind, trusting it—as best I can—is all I can do.
So I will work on that.
Love puts on its big girl pants and acts happy and excited and buys new suitcases and assures them that it will all be great. Love counts down and prepares and tries to be enough.
Love keeps praying and pretending to believe, until it does. Because that’s how love works.
I don’t know that I can call it a happy Love Thursday, exactly, but today this is the best I can do. Tomorrow I’ll do better, and the next day, better still. I’m getting there.
*hugs*
I am SO sorry!
XOXO
Oh, Mir. Big hugs to you. And prayers.
Oh no!!! Big huge hugs to you, Mir. I wish it was easier and everyone could be happy.
It just sucks.
Hugs Mir, I wish I could offer some words that would make you feel better, but since that isn’t possible I’ll just offer prayers and more hugs.
Hugs and prayers to you. You will get through this and so will the kids.
Just lots of hugs and prayers, your pain is palpable
My mind is whirling with awful possibilities. I hope it’s not as bad as it could be…
Your photograph is still very poignant. I am so sorry…..great big (((hugs))).
Hugs, Mir, I’m keeping you in my prayers.
Wishing you peace.
Oh. I just reread. The kids are going to their dad’s for a large chunk of the summer? Your heart must ache.
Mir, my heart aches for you. I have nothing wonderful to say, just hope that you are comforted somewhat by all the warm thoughts coming your way from all over the internets. Somehow, this will be all right. It will be what it is, and you will pick up the pieces and create order again later. I am so sorry. I know it must feel like a nightmare. (((hugs)))
What you are doing right now, how you are handling this despite the fact that it’s killing you inside, speaks volumes to them about how much you love them. And they will know. Prayers and hugs to all of you. And even more hugs.
Love hangs in there, to love another day. Take care on this LT and every day.
You do such a great job of putting into beautiful words what a lot of people are going through. My sister is getting ready to ship her 2.5 year old off for two weeks to a person we can’t even bring ourselves to call his dad. We’re stuck in an imperfect world governed by a very imperfect process and all we can do is make the best of it. Good for you for trying to make that happen.
*hugs* my friend.
Hugs to you! I’m right there with you. We are on our countdown here until my kiddos leave to go across the country to spend their summer with their father and his new fiance in a new house and new city. This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I feel your pain. My heart and wishes are with you and your family.
made me cry again, Mir. sending internet strength and hugs to you.
Big hugs to you!!!!
Sometimes, sometimes love comes with an awful lot of burdens doesn’t it? And almost impossible tasks… but doing it with love is the most important thing.
I’m with Chris. It does just suck.I’m praying for Monkey, Chickadee, their dad, you and Otto.
So sorry. Hugs!
Without a doubt, the single best thing my mom did for me was never to speak badly about my father in front on me. She had every right to, but she stayed above it– are I am so much better off because she did.
You kids will appreciate what you are doing now when they are older.
I know it must be the hardest thing in the world to do though.
Love can never be too much, but it is always enough. And your smart, funny kids feel enough love every day, I am sure.
More wine and another hot bath for you today, plus prayers.
I am not sure if this will make you feel better or not but my parents got divorced when I was 2 1/2 years old and my mom and I lived 9 hours away from my dad afterwards with my grandparents. So she used to have to put me on a plane by myself at that young age and watch me walk away holding a stewardess’ hand on a regular basis. As a mom now myself, I can’t even imagine doing that with the grace and calmness with which she appeared to do it. She did the same thing that you talk about up there, telling me everything was going to be fine, my dad was going to be so excited to see me, etc. It was tough but we both survived. And the end result was that I ended up having a much higher level of respect and love for her than I did for my father who constantly belittled her and blamed all the bad parts that come along with being divorced on her. She made it a point not to talk badly of him or allow anyone around us to do it around me either simply because he was still my father. One night at the dinner table, my grandmother made a crack about him and my mom told her that she would move out if those kinds of comments were to continue. (She had nowhere else to go with the little amount of money that she had but she stood firm on that point anyhow). Sorry to leave such a long comment but I wanted to speak up and tell you that you are doing the right thing even though it is hard. Long term, your children will understand this more than they do now.
No, nothing anybody says will help that heartbreak, but hang in there until you come out the other side and all is well again.
The picture made me cry.
I’m so sorry, keep praying! What else can you do? Keep your chin up!
Here’s hoping that time flies.
There will come a day when your children will more than appreciate the perspective you have chosen to take during this entire process. It take a incredible mountain of love and compassion to see things from both sides. Since I’m TOTALLY biased, I’ll just say I wish those incredible mountains of love and compassion had been recognized as the place where the kids should spend the entire summer.
*hugs*
Oh dear. So sorry.
Big hugs!!!!
Dearest Mir! My heart breaks for you.
At the same time – I think it’s okay not to always be so brave in front of the kids. I think they must be feeling scared and anxious and although they want to see Dad, guilt and sadness and preemptively missing you. So isn’t it okay to say a little, I’ll miss you SO MUCH and I’m sad but I know it’s best and I want you to have time with your Dad and that parts good BUT this is hard for me too. I think that’s okay and might even make them feel better, to acknowledge what you and they are feeling too.
That’s just my perspective, and probably you’re already doing that. I did not go through that as a kid – just other things! other lovely things like a brother’s death, so things weren’t too rosy at my house either – but that’s my take.
Hang in there and maybe later in the summer let yourself enjoy being the two of you for awhile! (sorry, probably too early to say that. just a selfish though on your behelf.)
*hugs* I have no words for you right now. Just sending big hugs to everyone.
Sending you waves of peace and strength . . . the love and grace you show your family in this situation is amazing. What a great gift you’re giving your kids.
Feeling a little sheepish for writing a post about not wanting to use a babysitter now. So sorry you and the kiddos are dealing with this!
Love is being the mom who knows how to handle a situation with grace and provide comfort to her children.
Love is you, Mir, and I wish you the best.
You are a better person that some others. My husband would LOVE to have the chance to be with his son for some time during the summer, but his ex wife isn’t as corporative. She still harbors a lot of bitterness and unfortunately, in the end, its the KIDS that suffer.
I’m a new reader, so I don’t know your whole story, but I’m sure you are doing the right thing by your children, and that is what is the most important thing. You are putting THEM first. Kudos to you for that. Trust me, when they get older, they are going to appreciate and truly respect what you’ve done.
It’s going to be hard, but try and take some “me time” and go on some date nights with the hubby. It’ll give you some freedom and take your mind off things. The first few days will be tough, but you are going to do great!
Many hugs and thoughts to you
http://www.JenniferSuarez.com
Do you think this is what’s been fueling Chickadee lately?
I’m sorry, Mir.
Thank you for this post. I know it meant something entirely different to you when you wrote it – but I read it and got the perspective I needed for a situation in my life.
Thank you.
I am crying for you, Mir! You’ve got a fantastic attitude about this (or at least you’re putting up a front of one, and that’s what counts) and your children will for sure miss you – but I’m not sure they could ever miss you as much as you’re missing them and that’s okay. Super-big hugs to you today, Mir.
You are such an amazing woman. I will think good thoughts for you. If there is anything I can do to make this easier for you, please let me know. I make awesome cookies if that is any help at all….if you want me to send you some, let me know!
Oh yes, it’s hard. Very hard. But you are strong. So are Chickadee and Monkey. You’ll make it! Hugs and prayers.
You are wonderful. My best to your family!
Hearts break when those suitcases get packed.
I hate it too.
Hugs to you this day.
Being a grown-up blows.
Plus what everyone else said.
What Melisa said. :(
Oh, Mir, that’s a sad picture. Hugs from SC to GA.
I always found this time as a way to reclaim bedroom and closet space as they moved from baby toys to tennis rackets.
Just a thought, but my hugs to you because like many others I know just how you feel.
big hugs.
you are handling a lousy situation with much grace.
I am getting ready to send my oldest to Ireland to see his dad till January. okay, he’ll be 18 in a month, but he is still my baby. I do know what you are going thru as we have been doing this sort of thing since he was 2. my heart goes out to you.
*hugs*
I just went to court with my ex, and my son has lived with me for the last 11 years. The day after school gets out this year, he will be going to his dad’s house. It’s only 1 week, then he will be back with me, but now we alternate weeks and it is going to be so hard. Back and forth. The whole summer.
Best of luck with everything. My heart goes out to you.
Love your blog too.
Extra hugs and kisses to your kids.
Love remembers that love maybe doesn’t conquer all, but sometimes is enough. And whether or not we can see eye to eye, there is plenty of love here. Whether it’s the same love or a different kind, trusting it—as best I can—is all I can do.>>
This is the most important part. He loves them, too, even if you don’t see eye to eye. How your heart must break, though. How long will they be gone?
Nothing can keep your heart from breaking as they leave, but you know that their father is a good man who loves them enough to fight for time with them.
I had to send my daughter off to spend summers with a selfish, overbearing alcoholic who basically ignored her and left her to the care of an aging grandmother. And she still turned out fine and understands why it was done.
You are so brave! Sending lots of love your way…
I am still waiting on the Judge to rule as to what the summer visitation schedule will be for my ex. Incredibly scared and stressed for them and for me, so I understand what you are going through exactly. My children are 4 and 6. What was the final resolution of the summer schedule for you? I agree that my children need time with their dad, but not such huge chunks away from their mother at such a young age. My situation is tough in that he chose to move two hours away to be near his family, but refuses to allow me to move to another state to be near my family, but his move throws us into a “long-distance” visitation schedule where he will potentially have them for significant visitation times throughout the summer. They are just too young, in my opinion, plus I am truly the only responsible parent in this situation who provides routine, normalcy and their own bedrooms and toys and activities and friends. At their dad’s, they share beds and clothes and toys with his wife’s two children. Also, during the time he has them this summer when he is working during the day, my children will be with the new wife, who is a former stripper (with the clothing and appearance that instantly reveals her former occupation) among many other not good things. My ex is her fourth husband and the new wife will be in her third trimester of pregnancy this summer… Not a nurturing environment for my children. Very very hard.
I should add, too, I’m a child of divorce. My parents split when I was in 5th grade. They both did a pretty good job not speaking ill of each other (even when my relationship with my dad got rocky in my teens) and I did appreciate that.
Found you through Shutter Sisters. This post is probably the most authentic Love Thursday I have ever seen. You are showing your children the true meaning of love, and they will thank you for it when they are older. Putting on our big girl pants sucks sometimes!
Question for adult children of divorce: I do not talk badly about the kids father to my children, but I was wondering how you validate their feelings and issues without talking badly about their father and how do you correct “misstatements” that their father tells them without talking badly about their father?
They will complain about not liking something he does, such as not spending time alone with them without his new wife and her kids included in every activity, and I murmur concern for them and their feelings and agree with them that they can feel hurt etc., but I am so afraid to say anything badly about their dad, that I feel afraid to say anything at all!
On the second point, their dad does not have the same respect for me in that he will tell them bad things about me and then I feel that if I try and correct his “lies” that I will be talking badly about him! Example, I will be at the store with my kids and my daughter will ask for a toy and I will go through the litany of why she is not getting a toy, including the usual of “it costs too much and I don’t have the money for a toy at this time” to which she will respond “you have lots of money, daddy says he gives you lots of money.” This, regarding the daddy who has been several months delinquent paying child support on and off for the last year and who has not paid dental, medical and school-related expenses for the last two years… How should I respond to that?
I’m sorry Mir. On another note, you look lovely today.
I’m so sorry.
There are so many things that I want to say. I know the ins and outs of these situtions on emotional, logical and legal levels. But nothing I could offer will really help.
I am sorry things are not ideal. I am sorry you are hurting.
I’m so sorry. I believe that love will always be enough, even when it hurts.
great big hugs sweetie. i’d like to say it gets easier, but truth be told it doesn’t. everytime you put them on a plane your heart stops beating until they’re back in your arms again. i too have said all the right things and held back the tears until they were through security and walked away holding onto a stranger’s hand….waving frantically all the way.
it might not get easier, but it does get better. the kids adapt. they figure it all out and know how to manage. they miss the hell out of you, but know you’re waiting for them at HOME. cuz you are home mir. the other place is just a vacation. a sucky vacation, but temporary none the less.
hang tough girl. and drink martinis.
To JSEE,
Not talking bad about your ex to the children means that you don’t do any name-calling or retelling any of the stories that will make him look bad to your kids (ie – the things he did to you). But you are allowed to tell the truth in a soft/non-angry/matter-of-fact way.
To respond to – “you have lots of money, daddy says he gives you lots of money.†Just say, Daddy used to send money, but he hasn’t lately.
My parents divorced when I was 13, and my mother gave me only age appropriate information, but she didn’t sugar coat things. But other family (her sisters, brother) didn’t get any information and wrongly assumed that Dad was the saint and Mom was the sinner. My dad did a very good job of upholding his public image, so it would have been easy for me to grow up with this same viewpoint. I’m glad she respected me enough to be truthful.
Years later when she was going to sign away her rights to the 2-3 years worth of unpaid child support, I asked her not to. She struggled through those years, she paid for my college education, she deserves the pat on the back, and I’m glad that I knew enough to provide it whenever I could.
Love is doing what you have done for your children, Mir, even though it hurts.
You are awesome.
Everything will be fine, think of it like sleepaway camp, ya know? They’ll have an adventure, you’ll get some alone time with Otto and then they’ll be back in your arms safe and sound again.
Hugs.
I dont normally comment but i have to!
i too am a child of divorce and didnt learn until i was much older that it was a very bitter divorce (when i was 3) – both parents thankfully worked hard to keep the details from us growing up. A couple of years later we moved 3 states away from my dad which forced us all to court over summer and holiday vacations. The final was to spend 4 weeks at my dad’s in the summer. I knew my mother was upset and missed us – and it was weird to be living somewhere else for so long. but the greatest comfort? having my sister! As long as those two kids are together – they have some ‘normalcy’ and they will look out for one another. It will be ok – the first one is the hardest…
@JSEE – as for the money comment your answer is as siimple as “yes, daddy sends me money to help pay for food and clothes and things you need, it is not to be wasted on toys you do not need” the more you can keep it about the topic and away from the ‘people’ the better. good luck!
it’s so hard and in some ways it gets easier, but it never gets easy. can’t believe I’m about to send a 16 yr old off for much of the summer with his dad 500 miles away…
sending you virtual strength and hugs and peace…faking it till you make it is a good strategy. I think it might have actually worked for me.
Kate and Amy – Thanks, I appreciate all the comments, it is so hard when you are in this to always try to say and do the right thing!
sigh.
Big hugs, Mir. That picture makes me cry. I’m sure your kids know that they are loved. It’s just so damn messy sometimes.
So, so sorry Mir. You ARE such a grown up. You’re handling this with so much more grace than I would be able to muster.
It probably won’t even help to tell you that you are pretty or that you should have lots of chocolate. But you are, and you should.
Thank you for reminding me that there are many sides to situations like this. Bless you for handling a very difficult situation with so much strength and grace.
Oh Mir, your words and that picture made me cry big fat tears. I am so sorry you are going through this. My hearth aches for you. I am thinking about you and hoping you all come out on the other side more or less unscathed.
Big hug.
Oh, Mir! I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I hope the time flies for you. Hopefully, you can find some projects to keep your mind occupied and they’ll be home before you know it. Lots of hugs.
This is one of the most poignant things I’ve ever read. I wish I had something really wise to say. How about a hug, instead?
my parents divorced when i was 8, and they did NOT bother to keep their comments about each other to themselves. it was uncomfortable, but what really bothered me was when their families would talk crap about them (i have one grandparent who to this day still says bad things about my dad – after 16 years! we’ve all moved on, so get over it).
as an adult, i have a great relationship with both parents (always have, actually) and don’t feel like what they said about each other screwed me up or anything.
anyways, my parents had joint custody, so neither had to give us up for big chunks at a time. the bigger problem was constantly feeling like i lived out of a suitcase from all the back and forth, and as i got older, wanting to spend more time having fun with my friends.
so either way, something’s gotta give and as a kid, i remember just thinking that this was normal, this was my life, because i didn’t know what it was like to stay put during your childhood and have one place that felt like home and have the same friends growing up. but as i moved away to school and then on my own, i’ve realized i’m much more independent that most of my friends because of how i was raised, so that’s a good thing, i think?
(Hugs.)
Mir:
Thank you for sharing. Your words are true to the core; as true as your love is (obviously) for your babies.
Wishing you peace and sending you a hug.
My kiddos leave on the 30th.
Delurking to wish you Hugs and Blessings.
Oh Mir… this just makes my heart ache. Wishing you (and Otto) peace and peace of mind.
I hope it works out the way you want it. Happy LT, anyway.
awww shucks! can’t forget little teddy! i always try to remember, there’s a reason for everything. even tho we have no clue how the puzzle will look like in the end, the piece fits where it fits.
hugs & prayers coming your way.
All I can say is {{{{{{Mir}}}}}}
And as the kid from a situation kind of like this: thank you for being the grown-up. There needs to be a grown-up in any situation like this; the kids need it.
We, in the meantime, will sit here and stroke your hair and feed you lovely bread and chocolate until Otto chases us all out with a broom.
You can do this. Everything will work out. *hug*
Heartbreak sucks, but animosity is a feeling that is VERY natural but it does go away
xoxo
Oh, poor, pretty Mir. Being separated from your kids is awful, no matter how good a dad they have or how safe you know they’ll be.
My kids had (at one point – I think we had at least 15 different custody schedules due to their dad’s indecisiveness) a week on/week off schedule and even though they were only several blocks away and I knew I’d see them in a week, there were many Sunday evenings when I drove away from dropping them off with tears streaming down my face.
But Monkey and Chickadee will be stronger and more independent and have a better relationship with their dad for spending this time with him.
They may develop a lifelong aversion to suitcases, however.
Hang in there!
Sad. And thanking God everyday that I’m married to someone that I don’t expect I’ll ever end up in this kind of situation with. And praying that I won’t.
I just don’t ever want to have to do what you are doing.
I can’t imagine.
My hat’s off to you.
Oh Mir, you truly write with such grace. Sending happy thoughts your way.
Aw, I’m sorry. You are such a wonderful writer, even in spite of the sad circumstances. It will be okay….how I know that, I don’t know.
Mir,I’ve been ther before back in 1947 to be exact.my former wife and I were giung thru some thing that mo matter how much wanted things to work out love could not save the dying marriage.Especially when there was not a possibility of haveing children.That was the rub,the sore spot.That is when I felt that I really was cheated by not being able to give a child to my wife.she made it quite clear to me on that point.Hang in ther,as the one song says …what will be will be….”
Hugs your way and prayers that things will work out.
Boy did i just relize I transposed the numbers it should have said 1974,we struggled on until she finally decided that she was getting a divorce,even though I really did not want to be divorced.I finally gave up fighting for the marriage.
I’m so sorry, Mir.
Oy. On the bright side, Nightingale won’t be in the vicinity, throwing any beetles in your face…
So sorry. This totally brought a tear to my eye because I can’t imagine doing what you are doing. Sending mental hugs your way…
Totally and completely sucks.
I love and hate this post all at one. Hate that it hurts so much for you. Your Love is … is reminiscent of something. Here.
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.
I see love in you every time you write about Monkey and Chickadee. Even when you’re frustrated. I know they see it too.
Darn. So sorry it worked out this way.
this one made me cry, too.
another child of divorce, moved far away from dad.
never had to get on the plane and spend time away from mom. dad never asked for us.
your kids will realize one day just how lucky they are to have so many parents who love them. love them enough to want them here and to let them go there.
So beautifully said! You will never regret taking the high road and choosing the road of love. It is a gift you are giving your children. I know it’s extremely hard to live this way every day when your dying inside from the pain of it all. I went through this with my children and now that they are young adults, and have come to know the truth all on their own (without my help), they appreciate that I chose the high road in spite of how I felt…it took them to become adults for them to know the sacrafices I made so they could have a relationship with their father.
Bless your heart…may love wrap itself around you!
Mir,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this – again. As someone much wiser then I once said, “This too will pass” (maybe in August?).
If you want to drown your sorrows in a trip to Nashville, contact me. We – my wife and I – have two spare bedrooms. As a computer geek, avid blog reader, and ametur photographer I would love to have you (and Otto) come for a visit.
Bedroom, spare key, and a map. What else would you need?
The Doc (Pop C)
Just had a chance to read this — google reader on my cell phone didn’t do this post justice (nor did it show the picture). This perspective (espoused in your post) is such a gift to your children, both now and in the future. The situation is a no-win, but you’re making the best lemonade you possibly can. But not only that, it’s obvious from reading through these comments that this forum is a gift to countless readers out there — you have a gift for putting deeply held/felt/not-usually-verbalized emotions out there in a touching, candid, yet not-sappy form which obviously touch a nerve with a huge community of people. THANKS for what you do. I’m so glad I’ve stumbled across you!
This breaks my heart. I’m so sorry.
I am right there with you Mir. And can I just say THANK YOU for this post…because the words you write give me the strength and reassurance that everything will be okay…even if it doesn’t feel like it now. Sending hugs and prayers and “there theres” Monkey and Chickadee are lucky to have you.
You wrote something awhile back that I put on a post-it on my desk to remind myself. I think it’s good for you right now too.
“It will all be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
It will be okay. Though I know not easy now. Hang in there.
I think I’d prefer a beetle to the face…hang in there.
Oh my toes are curling. We’ve thought about moving a few times and this is why I resist so much.
That is just heartbreaking. thoughts and prayers to you.
My divorce will be going to the “King Solomon” stage, so I know what you mean. I’m trying so hard to be adult about this but many times, I want to fall to the floor and through a massive tantrum that would rival anything my 3 year old could do.
How long will they be gone? My son spends the ENTIRE summer with his dad. Now that he is 14, this is a good thing. Ensures that he will survive until the next school year starts.
It was harder when he was smaller. I know your pain.
That photo pushed so many buttons inside of me that I could not resist commenting. I am facing this very moment for the first time in just 29 days. Two girls, two suitcases, 1500 miles away for three whole weeks with their dad, who thought it would be just brilliant if he moved away right before Christmas last year. I have been trying not to think about it, but I literally started shaking when I saw that picture. Good lord.
Maybe buying them new suitcases will make me feel better.