Little pitchers have big snark

So yesterday we had this big end-of-season soccer thing for, I dunno, six hours? Three days? A LONG TIME, is what I’m saying. It was a SOCCER EXTRAVAGANZA! With extra soccer! And hotdogs! And staying out entirely too late on a school night.

And after you’ve played several billion hours of soccer (Monkey) and run around the fields with your BFF (Chickadee) and eaten your weight in potato chips (both of them), you are maybe a little tired, right? The kids sat in the back of the car, vibrating slightly from the large cups of lemonade they’d consumed (Countrytime Lemonade: Less Lemon Flavor, More Hunks of Sugar), but largely silent and spent after the evening of excitement.

Otto and I held hands (can I just tell you that one of my FAVORITE PARTS about being married is holding hands in the car? AM DORK) and chatted quietly about the week’s events. “I just wish the emails would die down,” I said to him.

“What emails, Mama?” piped up Little Miss Nosy from the back seat.

“Oh, honey. Well, you know that thing I did that was on TV?”

“Oh!” said Chickadee, clearly remembering now some OTHER conversations she’d eavesdropped on. “Right, they took that whole day you did and cut it down to you saying you make ALL KINDS OF MONEY! And now people are emailing you about that!” She had that evil glint in her eye, the one that comes from understanding exactly how irked I am.

“That’s right,” I said, laughing. “They want me to BE THEIR MONKEY!” And we all laughed, except MY Monkey, who was instead filled with a righteous indignation.

“YOU CANNOT BE A MONKEY,” he boomed, and I thought he would protest because we often call HIM Monkey, but instead he ended with: “Because you are a PROFESSIONAL BLOGGER! And that is HARD WORK!”

We all laughed, and I may have offered to hire Monkey to handle my PR in the future, but Chickadee had already moved on to the next comic opportunity.

“Mom. Mom! What if those people called you up instead of emailing? That would be like… ‘The number you have reached is not available. Please leave a message at the tone. To leave a callback number, press 5. BEEP.'” We were momentarily struck silent by her uncanny impersonation of her father’s voicemail message, and then she cleared her throat. Loudly. “One of you be the caller!” she demanded.

“Oh, um, yeah, hiiiii…?” began Otto, in a voice best described as 80s stoner. “I, uh, well, I saw you? On the television? And… man, I love television. But I’m hungry. Do you have anything to eat…? Because I could totally go for a snack right about now.” The kids giggled and I smacked his leg. “Oh! Um, so ANYWAY, I saw you? On the TV? And you said you make lots of money? And if I had lots of money, I could probably buy some snacks?”

“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP,” said Chickadee. “Okay, that message is over. Now I am going to be YOU, Mom, calling back. Okay, I am dialing. RING! RING!”

“Uhhhh… hello?” said Otto.

“Hello!” she began, briskly. “I am returning your call, and—”

“Ohhh DUDE! You’re the dude… lady… ladydude from the TV!”

“Yes, well, that is what I wanted to talk to you about. Don’t you know that they EDIT those things, and that you can’t always believe what you see on the television? I work VERY HARD and I don’t think you understand that I WRITE FOR A LIVING, for lots of different people!”

“Ohhh… but dude? They said you make lots of money! And I want to make lots of money, too,” pressed Otto.

By this point, I was laughing too hard to speak.

Now Monkey joined in. “The only way to make money is to WORK HARD! Do you have ANY IDEA how much time I spend at the computer? I WORK ALL THE TIME!”

(It was right around here that I swallowed my tongue.)

Chickadee took over, again. “ALSO!” she said, “I have been doing this for years. YEARS! You don’t even speak proper English! GOOD-BYE! Okay, Mom, now you call up and leave me a message.”

“Hi there,” I began, as ordered, “my name is… uhhh… Cherise. And I saw you on the television and I was thinking maybe I could make some money with one of those there blog things. Could you call me back and tell me how? Thanks. Bye.”

“Wait! Mom, you forgot to leave her phone number,” Chickadee hissed in a stage whisper.

“Oh, right. Sorry. Um, okay, so, my number is 866-H-O-T-G-I-R-L-S. Please call soon.”

Now it was Otto’s turn to guffaw, while Monkey wondered why that girl was hot. Heh. Chickadee called back and gave me a VERY STERN LECTURE on how writing as a career is like anything else, it takes HARD WORK and PERSISTENCE and PATIENCE and also maybe I should think about changing my phone number.

This was followed by multiple other “phone calls.” My favorite was when Monkey said “Oh! Oh! I have a REALLY GOOD ONE!” Amidst many giggle he finally managed to get out, “Hi! This is Tootsie Farklepants!!!” (Sorry, Tootsie. He saw your name in my comments once and has been obsessed with you ever since. You might not know this, but you have the funniest name in the history of the world. So says my Monkey.)

Each time, my children—badly damaged by their exploitation on Da Innernets, clearly—worked in tandem to educate the buffoon on the other end of the line. “You know, I went to college for, like, YEARS!” was one of my favorite lines. Because we all know awesome writers are very fond of the “like” construct. Also, if any of my undergrad or graduate professors knew what I was doing now I’m sure they would respond with, “Who?”

Maybe I shouldn’t have found it so amusing (and I did tell them later that I’ve ALSO received many LOVELY emails from nice people, too), but it is good to know that my family’s got my back.

It’s probably because of those big buckets of money I’m earning, but whatever.


  1. Lori

    Darn editors. I’m sure everything else you said was witty & brilliant and just not sensational enough to make it off of the cutting room floor.

    But you looked great! :)

  2. Lori

    And your kids do great snark impersonations.

  3. Otto

    You need to stop leaving your money in buckets. I took two of those buckets out with the trash last week. And had to dump another out in the yard when I was working on the garden.

    For the record, money does not make good mulch. It may buy it, but it does not make it.


  4. Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You

    Wow – and here I was thinking that I could make all that money just by writing the blog I’ve been writing for EVER. LOL Your kids & hubby really sound cute and funny and full of love for their mama/wife. And that is really all that matters. mostly ;)

    Seriously, love this!

  5. Tammy

    ROFLOL!!! I can JUST picture Monkey & Chickadee with their impressions of you returning the call. And Monkey is right. Tootsie Farklepants IS the funniest name in the history of the universe. ;)

  6. Erin

    I actually noticed that weird editing choice, because most of the way through the taped segment with the three of you, I thought, “Why have they not really given Mir any screentime at all?” And then when they did, I was like, “Oh. Probably not the screentime Mir wanted.” :) Nonetheless, you looked great, and sounded awesome, and I’m sorry people are harassing you about how much you make. Frankly, I think you should make a boatload more–Monkey’s right, you are busy all the time! And you did, like, go to college for YEARS, after all.

    But you are exploiting your children on Da Innernets. That cannot be denied, because it bothers Kathie Lee. *rolls eyes*

  7. Stacey

    Years of college, hard work, years of experience, persistance, patience… yea, yea. But when are you going to get around to telling us how you make all of that Easy Money?!?!

    Kidding, totally kidding.

  8. Sara

    Thanks to Otto’s 80’s stonerdude impersonation, I now hear every conversation with him in the voice of Otto the bus driver from The Simpsons. “My name is Otto. I like to get blotto!!”
    I was wondering if you’d have any fallout from that little bit of editing room genius. Well, ladydude, if anyone can manage the good comebacks, like, it’ll be you.

  9. All Adither

    Yeah, my husband was quite interested in what you said about your salary. He was all, “You should be making big money” and I was all “Dude, I’ve only been blogging, like, 8 months.” And he was all, “You need a niche.” And I was all, “I’m just going to keep doing my thing and people will come.” And he was all, “Oh.”

  10. Jessica @ A Bushel and a Peck

    I actually liked your comment on the show about being like Cinderella! And I thought you looked great, sounded great, and represented women bloggers very well. Not that I am biased since you are my idol and all. :) Kidding. Sort of. Or not really at all. Buckets of money notwithstanding, I look forward to reading you everyday. And now I…AM DORK.

  11. ben

    Priceless. Really, but I bet you could get a good price for their services on ebay.

    I mean, I could use an administrative assistant. Or, more accurately, I’ll need one when the world starts beating down MY door. First? I need to get on Teavee…

    PS: I love your kids, and Otto’s all right, too.

  12. dad

    Too funny to read with hot coffee. I think the four of you should have your own TV show…and you…talk.

    Have you noticed that some of those “life’s lessons” are being subliminally absorbed?

  13. Susan

    Too funny! You could write a book on “How To Make Money Writing a Blog” and totally make MORE money! :-)

  14. transplanting me

    i just watched that clip this evening, cuz the internets have been all a buzz about it, and was thinking about emailing you to find out how you can help me make all that easy money. but after reading this post i know that first i must go out and buy buckets! once i have those buckets i’ll check back with you.

  15. Liza

    What an awesome story. I’m so glad your family has your back AND has a sense of humor about it!

  16. jennielynn

    How funny! I was so peeved at the slightly negative vibe I missed the buckets of money part. Don’t you just love editors?

  17. Jennifer

    Well, of course, it sounds nice to SAY that you have worked hard, pretty much every day, for, like, years and years blah blah. But we smart people know there has to be a SECRET how you got RICH. Like, did you sleep with your computer? A lot of computers? Inquiring minds want to know…

  18. Charise

    Charise (or Cherise, as you used) is such an uncommon name that I am startled whenever I see it in print NOT referring to me. So, you scared me for a second there.

    And I am tired of people having issues with bloggers who make a living off of it. Good for you, I say! I wish I was creative enough to do that so I didn’t have to work my brain-cell-killing job.

  19. Babybloomr

    Nothing warms the cockles (heh– I said ‘cockles’) of a mama’s heart more than to realize that yes, the fruit of her loins did indeed inherit the smart-ass gene… Makes that whole episiotomy thing SO worth it!
    I thought you all handled yourselves beautifully. The fact that the piece had apparently been edited by Edward Scissorhands was obvious to all, and didn’t reflect on you. And I think that if you look up Kathie Lee in Wikipedia, she has now achieved verb status, just like dooce– From now on if someone is BADLY interviewed on national television by a jittery, over-Botoxed, under-researched “journalist”, they have officially been KathieLee-ed.

  20. Tootsie Farklepants

    I live for children’s laughter even at my expense! So don’t be sorry. Have you seen how many hits my site got this morning because of this? I was all, “okay, who’s talking about me”.

    Now I’m wishing that I’d gone with my first choice which was BOOBIE FRICKENLIPS.

  21. Aimee

    See, I didn’t take it that way at all. I thought, it’s cool that they left in the part about the money because I think it’s too easy for people like dinghead Kathie Lee to dismiss what you do. And for a lot of people, money = legitimacy.

    Regardless of the buckets of money and/or mulch, your kids and Otto are pretty frickin’ funny.

  22. dorothy


  23. Charlise

    Your kids are a RIOT! Do you rent them out for parties, because you could really bring in the cash that way! You know -to add to the buckets you already make. HA. People these days – thinking money will fly in the door without hard work. Where do they come up with this stuff?

    You rock.

  24. Sheila

    OK, can we just go ahead right now and arrange the marriage between Monkey and my daughter? Because I need a little Monkey in my life. I’m willing to wait for a few years.

    (Sadly, I have no boy children to betroth to Chickadee, or I would call dibs on her too. Not to be closed-minded about it or anything, but I’m pretty sure my oldest girl is into boys. If she were showing any tendencies towards girl crushes, I’d love Chickadee for a daughter-in-law.)

  25. Dani

    You’ve got a couple of WINNERS on your hands there. Can you IMAGINE what it’s going to be like when they’re older and can keep up with the adult side of the conversation? Boy, oh, boy. You’ve got years of great conversations coming with those two. :)

  26. Marissa

    You looked and sounded great. And you appeared in the same segment as Heather of; so clearly you rock. Your blog helps me remember to laugh at life and myself, and that I’m not the only one juggling kids, soccer, school, work and life; while still feeling like there is no way I should be in charge. Thank you so much for writing–and you deserve buckets of money for your hard work!

    Holding hands in the car is my favorite too.

  27. SuzysPlace

    I am impressed and inspired by the very fact that your family GETS IT! I love the way kids put things into perspective, but looking at the bottom line, it’s great that they see just how hard you’re working at doing this. They don’t see it as just Mom’s computer time, they get that it’s work. That’s awesome!

  28. JJ

    OK, what gives Kathie Lee the right to harass others about exploitng their children on the internet? Anybody remember how much she exploited her precious Cody and Cassidy on her TV show? More time was devoted to stories about them than the guests. Maybe she’s just jealous she didn’t think of blogging about her kids before the rest of the moms.

  29. Nic

    I thought you were great in the interview, and looked appropriately thoughtful during the “must appear to be composing great entry, like I regularly get all dressed up to blog” footage.

    But the part that got me? Never knew you were a software engineer in a previous life. That’s super sexy. Dang.

  30. Lylah

    I just snorted my coffee. Your kids made my day!

  31. Heidi

    Ladydude. I like it!

  32. Anna

    Okay, snarky, but also very, very sweet. :)

  33. barefoot writer

    I think your kids are snarkier than I am. GAH! So jealous.

  34. Ladanea

    I was boggled the entire time that Kathie Lee was so bothered by the computer thing. She’s a TV host! I wonder how bothered she is about the fact that the poor cameramen have to work hard not to look up her skirt?

    It really is totally awesome that your kids “get it”. They’re hilarious!

  35. themuttprincess

    Your kids are H I L A R I O U S!!!!!!!!!!!!

  36. MomCat

    Money! *squeeeeeee!*

  37. Tina

    Kids. Gotta love ’em. SO funny!

  38. The Other Leanne

    Yeah, I did the *cringe* thing when I saw the part about the money…the noive of them to even ask. “Gee, Kathie Lee, how much do YOU make for being a “a jittery, over-Botoxed, under-researched “journalist”” (thanks, babybloomr, that was a perfect description).
    Your kids are so smart. The bonus of doing what you do is that your kids see what hard work is, right in front of their eyes every day. They get it.

  39. Cele

    I may need to borrow your kids for radio, they are too good.

    Otto can I come move your mulch around abit?

  40. steve

    Otto is a stage crew guy, but he really should take some lead roles :)

  41. becky

    what? you don’t make boatloads of money just from this blog? *blink*

    it’s too bad they left out the part where you’re a freelance writer.

    they left out a lot of things, actually. if i didn’t already know some of the backstories of you, kristen, and heather i’m not sure what i would have believed/ taken away from the piece.

    anyway, doesn’t it just warm your heart when the kids pick up the snark SO WELL?

  42. elizabeth

    your whole family is fabulous. too funny =)

    too bad they have to focus on the money, but I suppose it is popular culture. I truly believe one should be able to live on an activity that brings them joy. you do seem to enjoy what you are doing (and doing it well) and that someone (or many someones) has agreed to pay you in buckets is a wonderful thing. but please, try to get them to use direct deposit, buckets are just so cumbersome and seem to be getting in Otto’s way.

  43. Katie

    I was worried for you when they cut the piece that way. But I see you’ve handled it already with your wonderful charm (and cute funny family).

    As I said on BusyMom’s blog, Kathie Lee should not be allowed to interview about anything involving this century. She’s so 80’s and not in a good way.

  44. cristen

    I didn’t get to see it and I don’t have Tivo–anyway you could post it so the rest of us old-fashioned sorts can see it? That would be great…

  45. Megan

    Wait… do none of them get that the fact you (and Heather) make money from your blogs A)legitimizes it as a literary pursuit, B) brings motherhood out of the minivan and into the limelight where it damn well should be (warts and all) and C) gives the rest of us the feeling that at least SOMEONE is getting some of what they deserve?

    And to demonstrate the depths of my non-tv-watching… wait, Kathie Lee is still on television? THAT Kathie Lee? I mean… wait… Kathie Lee is still alive??

  46. Em

    Here is how I know how hard you work. I have actually considered writing you an email to tell you it makes me sad when I wake up on a Saturday morning and turn on my puter and find that by 8am, you have already posted to one of your blogs. Then, before I go to bed, I might hit refresh on my blog reader feeder notifier thingy and find you updated something else. Plus, you will have posted multiple times during the day, on the weekend, weekdays, everyday. I want you to have a nice vacation except I don’t want to miss out on anything. Clearly, I have no life as I worry very much that you are working too hard. I only mention it because you brought it up (

  47. SoMo

    You know when I saw your piece on Today (you looked lovely and skinny–go eat–) and you said something about not discussing money, I cringed. I knew that you would have tons of people thinking you made oodles of money and wanting to know how.

    I say next time you send them a schedule for your world tour speaking on the “Magical ways of making tons o’ cash at blogging while eating bon bons” and the payment info. Then you can really be rolling in it and get a money room where all you do is roll around.

  48. Burgh Baby

    But, ladydude, of course you make buckets and buckets of money. How else did you pay for those three mansions all over the country? ;-)

  49. Shalet

    When you stated you were making a living at bloging I thought, “Wow, awesome!” I think it’s great you’re able to do that. But, I’ve found an better way to make easy money – simply pick up the buckets from your trash. We’ll just ride on your coattails. ;o)

  50. Spice

    Your family sounds so cute and so awesome!!!! Have a great mother’s day!!!!!

  51. Mom101

    I felt like I was right there in the car with you all – although not in between you and Otto while you were holding hands. Probably in the back seat with the kids.

    Meanwhile anyone who knows you – or reads want not – does not thing you’re raking in millions. Heh.

  52. Belinda

    You should, like, get them their own show. Or at least let them guest-post.

  53. TNMom

    Ok, I admit. I sent you an email but it was several days BEFORE you’re debut…and I’m already a budding writer….and the education…etc. Hee hee hee….still hoping to become a PUBLISHED writer. One day. Thanks for being a beacon to us….especially me.


    I just wish my hubby had refrained from cutting down the money tree :o)

  54. Nancy R

    You’re so right – they’ve definitely got your back. Rock on, Mir Family.

  55. Glennia

    So, does this mean you won’t loan me any money? Dang.

    Actually, you were all three terrific on the Today Show, and your family is hilarious. Proud to have you in my tribe. The Mommyblogging Exploitation Tribe, that is.

  56. Shelly

    It was still nice to put a face to the blog I read every day even if they did edit your segment! Good Job!

  57. Cheryl

    I needed a laugh.

    You’ve got some kids who are comic geniuses!

  58. Mom24

    I actually thought the Today show did a pretty lousy job with the whole thing. You looked pretty though! Now that you’re rich, I have this bridge…

  59. LuAnn

    Sounds like they got good values from you! :)

  60. merlotmom

    I’m just impressed that you could remember that much of the conversation! Your family is very cool. You probably already know how I feel about Kathie Lee from my blogher comments so I won’t repeat them except to say that since she is now on Today one of the producers better bring her out of the stone age.

  61. tori

    So, I’ve only made a small pile of money since I started blogging. How did you get all the buckets full of money?


    I didn’t get to see it, and all the links I can find to it don’t work…if you happen to have one, could you send it to me? Anyway, I love your family, and I think you are awesome. You work hard and whatever money you make is well deserved. Your kids rock and your family is just adorable.

  62. Woman with Kids

    Urg. Fine, I won’t call you. I’ll just wait for the innernets to deliver mah buckets ‘o cashola. …waiting patiently…

  63. sophie

    Love the conversation with the kids. You can like totally see how exploited and traumatized they are by this blogging thing.

  64. Flea

    All I took away from that teeninsy little clip was that you felt like Cinderella. :)Congratulations Mir.

  65. Astrogirl426

    First of all, I didn’t get to see the show (probably because my complete and utter loathing of KLG refused to let me anywhere near the TV that day). I’ll see if I can find the clip online.

    BUT – I can’t believe the bastards chopped you up the way it sounds like they did! Ditto on the comment above about how she used to talk about HER kids ALL THE TIME when she was doing Regis and Kathie Lee (i mean, dude, it was a running cultural reference “back in the day”, THAT’S how bad she was about it), and ditto on the new wordage – I fully plan on using “KatheLee’d” to describe someone being shafted by a media appearance that’s been hacked by a numbnuts editor.

    And finally, we love you, we who read you every day/hour/minute (stalker-wha? You must be talking about someone else ;)) and who know you (as well as we can), know the truth and know you rock and everyone else can go to hell. Oh yeh, and your family so rocks (and heh heh on the comment above about Otto from the Simpsons – I’m sure your Otto is way hotter, and way less of a stoner!).

  66. Chuck

    Wow, those were really great fake phone calls, Mir. Someday, I’ll be able to say I read your blog before you were rich and famous. :)

  67. Shannon

    Your kids are hilarious. So glad they’ve got your back. ;)

  68. sb

    If you reply to those emails, perhaps you could offer to sell them “How to Make Buckets of Money in Your Pajamas” in PDF form. Maybe Tootsie Farklepants would buy one.

  69. Jen Rohde

    It’s never too early to teach snarkiness.

  70. Elena

    Man, that post was totally Laugh-Out-Loud FUNNY! Also, when I came home that day and the DH told me he had seen bloggers on TV, he accurately named Dooce(as who cannot, really?) and then vaguely, “There was another girl with…the hair and…the glasses?” whereupon I shouted, “Mir!”
    Which I may or may not have first pronounced, Meer, and then, Myrrh? Because it is hard to say words you have only read off your computer screen!
    I informed the DH that your hair is Like A Flock Of Poodles, hehehe.

  71. BOSSY

    Bossy can’t like soccer. Just. can’t.

  72. erma

    You’re kidding. A software engineer? I would never have guessed that.

  73. Sue

    OMG – I love your kids!! If they ever drive you so crazy that you post them for auction on eBay, I would totally bid on them ;-) And WTG for raising such smart and snarky kids. (The best combination, imho!)

  74. HRH

    Are you as rich as Oprah?

  75. Ava

    I want money; lots and lots of money…

    I don’t know…I think learning how to “steal” ducks is the better trick.

  76. susan

    Dude, like, well done. Lesson learned in your most subtle way so I’ll stop emailing you now (only kidding). I too think you were taken just a wee bit out of context in that interview as we know that you don’t make your buckets of money on just one blog. Besides, all that income goes right into pool chemicals, right?

  77. mamaspeak

    Ok, am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that Kathie Lee is umcomfortable w/mommy bloggers exploiting their children when she used to put her damn kids on TV all the damn time??? I’ve never actually watched her before this (and that was on the web) but I know her kids’ names! Plus, I mean she put all those kids to work in South America right? I mean let’s talk about exploitation. (no I can’t spell to save my live & it’s too late for me to run a spell check, sorry.)

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