Mom. MOOOOOOOOOM! Did you write a mushy post about me? REALLY? DID YOU? Because 10 is not interested in your mushy-gooshy love. How EMBARRASSING.
Why are you always embarrassing me?? GOD.
Clearly we need to go over the rules again. And just to drive the point home, allow me to follow The Weekend Of All Things For The Child with some pointed behavior to let you know that YOUR EFFORTS ARE NOT APPRECIATED. In fact, the harder you try to do something special for me, the greater my urge to stand in the middle of the kitchen and pee on the floor just to see the look on your face. Not that I would ever actually DO that, because I am FAR TOO OLD AND COOL to do something that gross. Instead I will indulge in the occasional tantrum or twelve because YOU MADE ME.
Let’s just get a few things straight around here, shall we? Try to listen, Mom, because YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME.
The Top 10 Rules for Mom to Interact With a 10-Year-Old
1) I am old enough to do everything myself.
1a) Unless I decide that I am not, in which case you will IMMEDIATELY do my bidding EXACTLY as ordered. Failure to comply will result in huffing and eye-rolling.
1b) The audacity to suggest that I’m capable of doing it on my own will result in indignant shrieking and accusations that you don’t love me.
2) I am young enough that you should still do everything for me.
2a) Unless I want to do it myself, in which case, GOD, YOU TREAT ME LIKE A BABY!
2b) The audacity to suggest that I’m capable of doing it on my own will resist in indignant shrieking and accusations that you don’t love me.
3) My younger sibling is a boil on my tender behind and you should dispose of him immediately.
3a) Any action I take against him is completely necessary and justified. Sanctions against these actions are clear evidence that you love him more than me.
3b) Reasoned arguments as to why I should treat him with kindness are further evidence of your stupidity.
3c) Failure to recognize my superiority over him by ANY and ALL family members will be treated as declarations of war.
4) I should be allowed to participate in as many extra-curricular activities as I deem necessary.
4a) You shall drive me to and fro without complaint.
4b) Except when I don’t feel like going. Then you should allow me to opt out without comment. Reminding me of “responsibility” and “commitment” will be taken as evidence that you never really loved me.
4c) Refusal to comply with my every request shall result in tantrums akin to those you haven’t seen since I was 2. Get used to it.
4d) Removing me from an activity for noncompliance with these rules you’re always yammering on about is proof that you’re a big fat meanie.
5) I shall be allowed to play with friends whenever I feel like it.
5a) Grounded? WHAT? WHY?? No, I mean really, ASIDE from all of those reasons???
5b) FINE. I didn’t want to go play, anyway. I will just SIT HERE IN MY ROOM and DIE.
5c) You’ll be sorry when I’m dead. I MEAN IT.
6) Whatever you’re making for dinner, I DON’T WANT IT.
6a) Just because I’m eating it doesn’t mean I like it. I don’t. I hate it.
6b) Take-out every night would be preferable. Except when I want you to cook. And when we get take-out will be one of those nights I wished you cooked. You get the idea.
7) I will be a perfect angel at school. Teachers will praise both my work and my behavior.
7a) Negative behavior will be stored up and brought home in my backpack. Which I will probably leave in the middle of the floor. And then I will scream and cry when you tell me to put it away. Because my life is HARD.
7b) If I am mad at a friend, I will take it out on you. If I am mad at a teacher, I will take it out on you. If I am mad at my father, I will take it out on you. Pretty much I am planning to take out everything on you. You will take it and not get mad.
7c) If you DO finally get mad, I will cry and cry about how you don’t love me anymore.
8) Any attempt to do something nice for me will result in five minutes of gratitude and three days of backlash.
8a) Pointing out that you did something for me and I thanked you by acting like a spoiled toddler will be grounds to extend said hissyfit and refuse to apologize, ever.
8b) Saying “I guess we just can’t do [insert activity here] anymore, if this is what happens” is proof that you never really cared about me at all, you monster.
8c) I am allowed a selective amnesia where all I can recall is all the times you made my life a living hell, and any of those nice things are just fantasies of yours, I guess. Whatever.
9) Screaming is the proper way to express my displeasure. Failing that, stomping is an acceptable alternative.
9a) Being given a consequence for communicating in my preferred manner is as unfair as tasking me with a solution to global warming. You are an ogre for even mentioning it.
9b) Telling me that I am too old to behave this way will invoke an even greater level of ire. DO NOT TRY TO TAME ME WITH LOGIC, WOMAN.
10) It’s your fault. Whatever it is. Just accept it.