* Going to bed at 9:30 does not, in fact, make it any easier to get up at 6:00. I do not think that African Sleeping Sickness is transmitted by tsetse flies, I think it is transmitted by children. Children under the age of 10. Who never. stop. talking.
* Once you own multiple Macintosh products, the white cords start mating on your desk. Should you wish to pack the appropriate cords to run your computer, charge your iPod, and sync up your iPhone, don’t be surprised if you find a piece of white coax in your briefcase as well. And don’t think too hard about it.
* If you haven’t received a single phone call all week, your last day to get anything done in the office will be the day that the phone will not stop ringing. They’re all important calls, too. Each one will come right when you’re attempting to pack the appropriate amount of underwear.
* I have an irrational fear of being short on underwear whenever I take a trip. It’s been a long, long time since I had any sort of underwear-related emergency, and yet this fear persists. Because being stuck somewhere without clean underwear would be worse than eating bugs.
* I am apparently unaware of the fact that everywhere I’ve traveled actually, you know, HAS STORES. Which sell things. Like underwear.
* Brown bananas left on the counter do not magically transform themselves into banana bread.
* Baking banana bread when I have a to-do list a mile long seems frivolous, even if I do periodically think OMG WHAT WILL MY PRECIOUS BAYBEES HAVE FOR SNACK WHILE I’M GONE?
* I have too many pairs of glasses.
* Despite having too many pairs of glasses, I can’t find any of them.
* Everything I own to wear is currently sitting in laundry baskets or hanging on the backs of chairs, waiting to be put away, but I have no time to put anything away, and that sounds like a very lame excuse because it IS, but it’s also true.
* Murphy’s Law dictates that the day before a trip you will discover that everyone’s prescriptions need to be refilled. Like, right now.
* Common sense dictates that the foundation you got for your wedding last year and never wore again is weird and gunky now. Obviously.
* The day before a trip it is inevitable that you will wake up with a cold. Just accept it. Have some orange juice and whine for a few minutes and then move on.
* “Jersey knit” items can be folded down to fit into a space approximately the size of a standard envelope. I shall wear nothing else from now on, as packing those items into a suitcase leaves me ample room for shoes.
* I will forget to pack band-aids, which I will doubtless need (see: shoes). Even though I’m typing this, I’ll forget. And then I’ll panic, because I also can’t remember the part about the stores.
* Most people like an aisle seat on an airplane so that they can have more leg room. But what people forget is that a window seat makes incredibly uncomfortable napping slightly less uncomfortable, plus you are less likely to drool on your seatmates that way. Just sayin’.
* A boarding pass printed out and left on the desk is not actually all that useful when it comes to getting on a plane.
* My beloved hormones, which come in a pump-gel container, are dispensed in a 5 ounce size, looks like. Is TSA going to take away my estrogen? I actually haven’t learned this, because I am afraid to find out. Am contemplating smuggling (ha! I typed “smuffling,” which seems appropriate, somehow) them in my pocket just to avoid an argument. I NEEDS MY GIRL GOOP, DUDES.
* My time would be better spent this morning primal scream therapy and making peace with the fact that half my to-do list will never be completed.
* It’s possible that I am not exactly what one would term a hearty traveler. We could talk more about that, but I need to go count my panties.