I can’t believe I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU about this. Heck, I almost forgot to tell Otto. It’s called REPRESSION, people. It’s a wonderful coping mechanism. I use it all the time. Like… ex-husband? What? I don’t recall.
(See how that works? It’s awesome.)
Anyway, some of you noticed that I told you all about my excellent adventure in the MRI machine a few weeks back but then didn’t post a follow-up. This is not because I don’t love you (because I do! I love you! each of you! and especially you, there, in the back!), but because I didn’t have any information to share.
Yes. You read that correctly. I had a breast MRI for “something suspicious” nearly three weeks ago, and the feedback was… nothing at all.
I am one to assume that no news is good news, you know, but STILL. It just seems to me like there ought to be… something. A phone call, preferably. Hell, even a letter. “Dear Mir, Your boobs are still lumpy, but you are probably not dying. Love, Your Stupid Doctor.” You know, whatever. I’m easy.
Granted, I had the MRI the week of Thanksgiving. So I didn’t hop on the follow-up as quickly as I might’ve, otherwise, because I know how things go around holidays and I didn’t want to be any more of a pain in the ass than was absolutely necessary. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.
And there was nothing.
So last week, Otto said to me, “Did you ever hear back about your MRI?” And I said, “You know what? I didn’t. Oh well. I guess I’m going to live!” But I agreed to call the doctor.
So I called, and I didn’t get to talk to a human (oh no, that would just be silly), but I left a message saying “Hi! I am wondering if you maybe have the report from my MRI? Because I was wondering if I should go all-out this Christmas and enjoy it like it’s my last, or if I should lay off the cookies because I’m going to still be around come swimsuit season.”
Last Friday someone from the doctor’s office left a message on our machine saying that they didn’t have the report yet. This was a full TWO WEEKS after the test, which I found… odd. But okay.
Being me, I called again on Monday. And left another message.
Tuesday, I got a call from the doctor’s office. Huzzah!
“Hello, Mir? This is Random Person calling from Dr. NeverCallYou’s office. She has scheduled you for a breast ultrasound—”
At this point I interrupted with guffaws, because NO! Don’t be SILLY! That can’t be right; you must be confused. Surely you are calling to GIVE ME MY MRI RESULTS, not to schedule me for another test.
But she was. Calling to schedule me for another test, that is. Even though I still didn’t have the results of the first one.
I feel very sorry for Random Person, because she got an earful from me. She told me she’d already scheduled my ultrasound and I told her that I wasn’t going anywhere until someone called me to explain my test results. Because when I asked her WHY I was being scheduled for an ultrasound? She had no idea. But she did put me on hold to “talk to someone.”
I was on hold for half an hour, at which point some OTHER random person came along to promise that the doctor would call me. That’s fine, I said, but I need to take my kids somewhere, and I am leaving in half an hour. Oh, that’s fine, she said. She’ll call you before then.
Two hours later (while we weren’t home, and after the office had closed) my doctor called and left a message.
“Hi Mir, this is Dr. NeverCallYou. Um, I have your MRI results here, and I need to go over them with you. But, ah, I’m not going to be available again until Friday. So you can call me Friday morning. Thanks! Bye.”
After we finished celebrating Otto’s birthday and having cake and everything, I made a small voodoo doll of Dr. NeverCallYou. Who calls you with mysterious test results on a TUESDAY and says “Gee, sorry, maybe Friday!”?
Yesterday (Wednesday) morning I called the office first thing and left a long message for the doctor’s assistant. And then I called back again two hours later and got put on hold for another half and hour and FINALLY when I made it clear that I was going to KEEP CALLING until someone told me SOMETHING, they tracked down a different doctor to come talk to me.
After all of THAT, here is what I found out:
The MRI was ordered because of a suspicious area in my right breast. And my right breast? Is perfectly fine.
There are, however, THREE suspicious areas in my LEFT breast. Nevermind that I JUST had a mammogram which looked “perfectly fine,” there is apparently still SOMEONE in this town who hasn’t had a good look at my nipples. And you know, fine, but I spent a really long time finding nice supportive bras and I’d like to spent a little more time WEARING THEM.
So. Not dying. Probably. But on Monday I’m off for an ultrasound of the left breast. At which point I fully expect them to decide I need another test on the right, because this is sort of how it goes when it comes to me and healthcare and the boobs.
Who wants to dare me to sing the Hokey Pokey during my ultrasound? Because SO HELP ME GOD I will do it. “You put your left boob in, you take your left boob out….”