Still enjoying being a girl

By Mir
December 6, 2007

I can’t believe I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU about this. Heck, I almost forgot to tell Otto. It’s called REPRESSION, people. It’s a wonderful coping mechanism. I use it all the time. Like… ex-husband? What? I don’t recall.

(See how that works? It’s awesome.)

Anyway, some of you noticed that I told you all about my excellent adventure in the MRI machine a few weeks back but then didn’t post a follow-up. This is not because I don’t love you (because I do! I love you! each of you! and especially you, there, in the back!), but because I didn’t have any information to share.

Yes. You read that correctly. I had a breast MRI for “something suspicious” nearly three weeks ago, and the feedback was… nothing at all.

I am one to assume that no news is good news, you know, but STILL. It just seems to me like there ought to be… something. A phone call, preferably. Hell, even a letter. “Dear Mir, Your boobs are still lumpy, but you are probably not dying. Love, Your Stupid Doctor.” You know, whatever. I’m easy.

Granted, I had the MRI the week of Thanksgiving. So I didn’t hop on the follow-up as quickly as I might’ve, otherwise, because I know how things go around holidays and I didn’t want to be any more of a pain in the ass than was absolutely necessary. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.

And there was nothing.

So last week, Otto said to me, “Did you ever hear back about your MRI?” And I said, “You know what? I didn’t. Oh well. I guess I’m going to live!” But I agreed to call the doctor.

So I called, and I didn’t get to talk to a human (oh no, that would just be silly), but I left a message saying “Hi! I am wondering if you maybe have the report from my MRI? Because I was wondering if I should go all-out this Christmas and enjoy it like it’s my last, or if I should lay off the cookies because I’m going to still be around come swimsuit season.”

Last Friday someone from the doctor’s office left a message on our machine saying that they didn’t have the report yet. This was a full TWO WEEKS after the test, which I found… odd. But okay.

Being me, I called again on Monday. And left another message.

Tuesday, I got a call from the doctor’s office. Huzzah!

“Hello, Mir? This is Random Person calling from Dr. NeverCallYou’s office. She has scheduled you for a breast ultrasound—”

At this point I interrupted with guffaws, because NO! Don’t be SILLY! That can’t be right; you must be confused. Surely you are calling to GIVE ME MY MRI RESULTS, not to schedule me for another test.

But she was. Calling to schedule me for another test, that is. Even though I still didn’t have the results of the first one.

I feel very sorry for Random Person, because she got an earful from me. She told me she’d already scheduled my ultrasound and I told her that I wasn’t going anywhere until someone called me to explain my test results. Because when I asked her WHY I was being scheduled for an ultrasound? She had no idea. But she did put me on hold to “talk to someone.”

I was on hold for half an hour, at which point some OTHER random person came along to promise that the doctor would call me. That’s fine, I said, but I need to take my kids somewhere, and I am leaving in half an hour. Oh, that’s fine, she said. She’ll call you before then.

Two hours later (while we weren’t home, and after the office had closed) my doctor called and left a message.

“Hi Mir, this is Dr. NeverCallYou. Um, I have your MRI results here, and I need to go over them with you. But, ah, I’m not going to be available again until Friday. So you can call me Friday morning. Thanks! Bye.”

After we finished celebrating Otto’s birthday and having cake and everything, I made a small voodoo doll of Dr. NeverCallYou. Who calls you with mysterious test results on a TUESDAY and says “Gee, sorry, maybe Friday!”?

Yesterday (Wednesday) morning I called the office first thing and left a long message for the doctor’s assistant. And then I called back again two hours later and got put on hold for another half and hour and FINALLY when I made it clear that I was going to KEEP CALLING until someone told me SOMETHING, they tracked down a different doctor to come talk to me.

After all of THAT, here is what I found out:

The MRI was ordered because of a suspicious area in my right breast. And my right breast? Is perfectly fine.

There are, however, THREE suspicious areas in my LEFT breast. Nevermind that I JUST had a mammogram which looked “perfectly fine,” there is apparently still SOMEONE in this town who hasn’t had a good look at my nipples. And you know, fine, but I spent a really long time finding nice supportive bras and I’d like to spent a little more time WEARING THEM.

So. Not dying. Probably. But on Monday I’m off for an ultrasound of the left breast. At which point I fully expect them to decide I need another test on the right, because this is sort of how it goes when it comes to me and healthcare and the boobs.

Who wants to dare me to sing the Hokey Pokey during my ultrasound? Because SO HELP ME GOD I will do it. “You put your left boob in, you take your left boob out….”


  1. tori

    I had a mamogram for my left breast and they found something on my right. I swear it is like they are just trying to make things as complicated as possible with all of this! Mine turned out to be fine after all the testing and poking, so I hope yours does too!

  2. All Adither

    Hmm. Have you considered finding a new doctor? Because your doctor’s phoneside manner leaves something to be desired.

  3. Jenni-nifr

    You have my thoughts and prayers. Reading all of your posts concerning doctors and insurance, I have an even deeper understanding of why people hate insurance companies. I work in HR for a nation wide company and I am the point of contact for the employees and the insurance companies when there is a problem. Not that that is the case all to often, ya know – every hour to hour and 30 minutes! Sometimes I get a 2 hour window between complaints.

  4. liz

    First, I dare you. In fact, I double-dog dare you. Second, I think those MRIs and ultrasounds are performed by fraternity guys in that college town you live in, and they’re trying to get a good look at as many boobs as they can.

  5. Leandra

    I’m with All Adither. Get thee to a new doctor, forthwith!! This is just plain ridiculous.

    I’m going on the 18th for my mammogram. Maybe we could go together and do a Hokey Pokey duet?

  6. Megan

    PLEASE sing the hokey pokey.

    Except… just typing “pokey” in reference to boob ultrasounds made me shiver just a little. So maybe not – don’t give them any ideas, right?

  7. RuthWells

    Ack! Bad boob mojo on the day I’m scheduled for my annual exam! I can’t hear you, lalalalala!

    (First mamo last year at age 39 due to suspicious lumps; it turns out I’m very cyst-y. Because I guess my kidneys and liver and ovaries needed more organs to show up at the Annual Cyst Replicators Conventions? I have no idea.)

    On the other hand, perhaps singing “The Hokey Pokey” would ward off the evil boob spirits? I’m game if you are….

  8. Not The Mama

    This is ridiculous. I don’t know how you manage to stay calm. If I were in your position, I wouldn’t need an ultrasound, because the more pressing concern would be my head, which would have exploded. Grrr.

  9. Heather

    My doctor’s office is kinda like that – they don’t call unless they need to see you. If everything is fine, you don’t hear back (I can live with that). Fortunately the place that does our mams is GREAT. They give you your results before you leave. If they find something, they do the ultrasound right then (or will schedule it before you leave). You have to wait around a bit, but when it comes to cancer, I’d prefer to wait and have my results, thank you!

    Good luck – hopefully you’ll get these results in a timely manner!

  10. Katie

    I just think you wanted to up your google rank with boob searches. ;)

    Good luck with the ultrasound! Or maybe I should wish you good luck with getting the results from the ultrasound…

  11. Flea

    Arrgh! A new doctor! Stat! Wear an eye patch next time you go in. Carry a sword. Dare them to let you leave without results. This just makes me love my doctor all that much more. I hope you find a better one soon.

  12. hollygee

    And, and, and is the ultrasound covered by your picky insurance? That’s what I would like to know before the fact.

  13. Crista

    Good luck Mir! You will be in my thoughts.
    I just went through the same thing on a smaller scale (2 mammos, 1 ultrasound) to find out I have a fibroid and come see us in 6 months.
    I fired my doctor over this, tho. I got the final results directly from the ultrasound doctor, but my doctor’s office also called to discuss the results with me. She called 3 times and left the same message each time (over 2 days) “Call me back, but you can’t call me directly because I’m moving my desk and I don’t know my extension. Call the front desk and have them find me”. Yeah, uhhuh. Five times I called and five times they couldn’t find her or she was with a patient and I was on my break from work and couldn’t wait. I already knew the results to I gave up calling and just figured he could tell me the next time I went in. So the next week I get a letter from the doctor’s office. “We tried to call you 3 times and you never responded. If you don’t care about your health, neither do we.” Or something to that effect. I found a new doctor the next day.

  14. Kendra

    I had a similar situation this last few weeks. I had a pelvic ultrasound just before Thanksgiving. After being told that they would call me with the results I had to call them after 2 weeks. Not only that they still hadn’t given me the pap results from October. When I called they said “It’s ok.” Like I’m supposed to know what that means! Sheesh! It sounds like we all need medical degrees so we won’t have to find doctors that don’t like to talk to their patients.

  15. Tootsie

    After going through slews of countless doctors with my mother’s health, I’ve yet to find one who sticks any kind of hurry up (if at all) on the follow up. You MUST be relentless. Otherwise. You die.

  16. Burgh Baby's Mom

    Your doctor’s office? A bunch of morons. Your boobs? Must be really fabulous since so many people want to take a nice, close look at them.

  17. pam

    Ok I double dog dare you… “and you shake it all about” Oh wait bad test results…

  18. Lisa

    Mir, you know you are very pretty. So obviously, your boobs are very pretty, and all the physicians got together and decided they should all have a look see. All this testing is a medical compliment really.

  19. arduous

    This is just so, so unacceptable. I know it’s a huge pain to find a new doctor, and I’m sure there are good things about your doctor, but you should not be treated like that!

  20. Sara

    If you really did say tha line about living it up this Christmas or laying off the cookies for bikini season, you are my new hero on earth. If you didn’t, I don’t care. You still wrote it and just about made me wet myself. As for the Hokey Pokey, well, that is what it’s all about now, isn’t it?!

  21. SB

    I must say that I am starting to have suspicions about mammography/breast cancer screening as a Major Cost Center. For five years I have been having more and more tests each year, surgical biopsies, needle biopsies, ultrasounds, etc…and every year, I just have lumpy breasts.

  22. Lori

    Drat, I have to schedule my mammo.
    Here’s my Holiday card to you Mir: Wishing you and yours a happy, healthy New Year! (With the ultrasound report to prove it!)

  23. Gwen

    I double-dog dare you.

  24. daysgoby

    Haven’t any of them seen Yankee Boob before?

  25. kidzmama

    I’ve never had a mammogram. From all the comments here it sounds like it will be a snowball effect once I eventually get one.

    Mir, that MRI chick wasn’t so keen on the humor, you think an ultrasound tech will be much better? You should definitely schedule coffee after the ultrasound with your friend again. Now she can take your humor. If I lived closer, I’d meet you for coffee.

    Your life needs a bit of a break from all this stress!

  26. Heidi

    Larry LaPrise, composer of “The Hokey Pokey”, died recently at the age of 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

  27. Karen

    What the heck would have happened had you not called?

    Is your doctor’s office run by Wired Hub? RUN!

    Hope all ends well with your boobs though! Yeesh.

  28. Sheila

    I say get yourself some neat temporary tattoos, and go to town on your girls. At least you’ll be able to laugh your way through the ultrasound. Good luck…

  29. ChristieNY

    Unbelieveable! I had my pap done (your welcome) the same day as your MRI and had my results in the mailbox the following week. I can’t believe you had to wait so long to track down your own results!!! :(

    And yes, it’s a conspiracy, Burgh Baby’s Mom nailed it, your boobs just must be faaaahbulous! ;)

  30. Angie

    I am indignant on your behalf. Here’s wishing you and your boobs lots of luck! (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.)

  31. LuAnn


    Tell them next time if you wanted the whole city to have a look at your boobs, you’d have taken a billboard ad or posted on MySpace, or something!

  32. tammy

    I have an appointment to get a group B strep swap the day after Christmas. We should get together and have ourselves a merry little pity party for our parts.

  33. amy

    I double-dog dare you.

  34. getsheila

    …you put your left boob in and you wave it all about…

    Or is is “and they flatten it like a trout…”?

    I just had my first digital mammogram. They said they don’t have to squish the boob as much with digital and it did seem to be true. The best part was NOT having to wait around for them to develop the film, only to come back and say, “gosh, sorry, but we didn’t quite get it right so have to squish the left one again.” Quicker overall time, less boob squishing, what’s not to love?

  35. Flea

    Did LuAnn just dare you to put your boobs on a billboard? LuAnn!!!

  36. nubchai

    My first comment (I think) and it’s boob-related. Go figure. The good news about breast ultrasounds at my hospital is that you get the report from a doctor right away before you leave. So the stress of waiting forever for a stupid report is not something you’ll have to worry about. Also it’s likely it’s probably nothing or it’s a cyst or grouping of cysts.

    I also agree with the others that you should get a new doctor. Good luck and try not to worry!

  37. tuney

    I had an inconclusive mammo a few years ago, and they walked me around the corner to the ultrasound room that very minute. I didn’t even get dressed. Turned out to be nothing, but THAT was service. I have to give them that. Now, get thee hither to a new doc. What they all said above me… (with a TRIPLE-dog dare thrown in!)

  38. Cele

    I had an ultrasound a few years back and it was kewl to watch. But I think somewhere in my chart it says high pain threshold and they are picking straws to see who gets to squish my size double D’s to vellum thinness during my mammograms. B!tches.

  39. mama speak

    Ok, Heidi made me LOL. Seriously, I mean everyone was thinking it, right?

    Umm, I’m afraid I’ve had a similar experience in regard to news delivery, only it was when I was pregnant w/my 1st child & “the dr had just left for the day but REALLY wanted to talk to me tonight so she’s going to call me from home, could I please provide a phone number I could be reached at this evening?” And then she DIDN’T CALL for 3 hours! By that time I’d imagined every worst case senario on earth. Honestly, I’d like to think your experience was isolated, but obviously not. If you feel confidently about your dr. I would have a stern talking to and if you don’t get the response you want from that then ditch her/him. I had been through some serious stuff w/my dr. already so once I calmed down I explained that their delivery could use some work. No problems since.

    I triple dog dare you AND I dare you to get a facebook account for the girls; why should the Southern Dr.s get all the fun? If they’re that good everyone should get a gander. hee

  40. nan

    It’s a conspiracy!! They know that stress makes people sick and ups the cancer odds, so they say, “hmm, I think you need a mammogram/ultrasound etc” and then they sit around watching your cancer odds rise on a little statistic machine. That’s where they all are when you’re trying to call. They have “stat parties”! With drinks, and little canape sandwiches. Every time your odds go up, they laugh their wicked Evil-Dr. laugh: “nyaha, nyah, nyah!” Your only escape is to sing the hokey-pokey, to show them that you don’t care. Then they will go pick on someone else.

  41. Jules

    I’m so frustrated for you.. this whole mess is just totally unacceptable care and you really need to find a more attentive practice.. because .. damn! Enough already.

    Love ya!

  42. Aimee

    Um… WTF? You do need a new doctor. That’s ridiculous.

    But I TRIPLE DOG DARE you! Sing it, and then blog it. Prettyprettypretty please with sugar on top?

  43. Liz

    And provide pictures, ’cause I do NOT believe that enough people have seen your nipples!

  44. Barb

    ON the subject of Mammograms, my mother-in-law and I go every year for what we call our “Buddy-Grams.” It’s so barbaric, we feel he need to go together. Why haven’t they invented something we can drop a boob INTO, instead of standing and being tortured? Sadly, until men have nut-o-grams, mammograms will never be fun.

  45. Liza

    Barb, if they can’t get a good view of “something” on the stand-and-mash, they do have a “drop your boob through this hole” table. The “lie on your stomach while we mash” is not any better, I swear.

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