I am going to tell you this whole sordid tale from beginning to end (just see if I don’t, my pretties), but first things first.
In a heroic act of LIGHTNING SPEED AWESOMENESS, the fine folks at Fusix—allow me to state this in southern terms, so great is my gratitude—done grabbed up the whole mess and fixed it right proper. If you are seeing this, I am fully migrated and functional and now running on servers powered by unicorns and fairies and pixie dust. If you need not just hosting but possibly migration support and hand-holding and someone who will get the job done right, please please please go visit my new favorite human, David, over at Fusix.
And do stay tuned to hear what I have to say about my old hosting provider, too. Especially about how they followed a 3-day outage with the COMPLETELY UNFORESEEABLE PROBLEM of 3 days of back email breaking their server a second time. I’m sure there’s no way they could’ve predicted THAT. Fucktards.