Go Sox! No, really, PLEASE GO

It’s not that I’m not a fan of the Red Sox, because OF COURSE I am a fan of the Red Sox. I find that down here in the south I am even MORE of a fan of the Red Sox because it rather feels like more of my identity is hinging on it, somehow; and so this has nothing to do with my love of the team, or even how it just never stops being funny to me to poke Otto and say, “Hey! There’s my favorite player, COCO CRISP! I bet he turns all chocolatey in milk!”

And I am delighted that they won the Series. Truly, I am. In fact, I would like to extend a very special, heart-felt thanks to them for sweeping it the way they did, because GOOD LORD I AM TOO OLD TO STAY UP THAT LATE NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. Honestly, the baseball, it is killing me. Er, was. Now I can go back to my normal geriatric schedule.

Not that I REALLY stayed up most of those nights, anyway. I would dutifully watch the first three hours or so with Otto out in the living room, and then a commercial would come and I’d suggest we get changed and watch the rest in bed. And then I’d fall asleep the second my head touched the pillow.

Otto claims he roused me last night to let me know we’d won, and that I gave a small cheer, but I remember nothing. There’s loyalty and then there’s stumbling through your day as a zombie, and at some point, I just cannot give my all anymore. Not even to the Sox.

Part of the problem is that I am suffering the equivalent of Chinese water torture during the day, and this is sapping me of energy faster than even normal life tends to. You see, Monkey has a cold. And while I would love to chalk this up to Monkey’s sensory issues, I think it’s really more about his having a Y chromosome than anything else (though I could be wrong): This child doesn’t seem to understand how to blow his nose.

Oh, it’s not that we haven’t explained it to him. A thousand times. Or that he doesn’t understand the explanation. There’s just some sort of disconnect between understanding the mechanics and actually accomplishing this task in a way that doesn’t drive me utterly batshit insane.

First of all, he would much prefer to sit around going SNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHX all day long than deign to get a tissue. Why blow out when you can just suck it back in? OVER AND OVER? So what was supposed to be my nice relaxing weekend was oft-punctuated with the eardrum-shattering SNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHX which I SWEAR TO YOU can be heard ANYWHERE in the house no matter where he is.

“Please go get a tissue if you need one,” I shouted out, reflexively, each time I heard the tell-tale snort.

Once Monkey has the tissue, it seems impossible that this is true—though I promise you IT IS—but things actually get worse. Now instead of SNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHXing IN, he holds the tissue about a foot in front of him and KKKKKKKKTHXTHXTHXs out, one nostril at a time. After each KKKKKKKKTHXTHXTHX he then wads up the tissue and jams half of it up into his sinuses, where it presumably touches his brain and picks up one one-thousandth of a gram of mucus. He repeats this procedure on the other side, after which the tissue is mangled beyond repair and needs to be thrown away. (I then get to remind him to wash his hands.)

The problem is that he finally blew, but his technique in terms of removing and disposing of the resultant bounty is extremely ineffective. All that he has done is move all the snot right to the forefront of his nose. Where it then begins, I suppose, to drip. And you know what that means!



Periodically I will hold him down and smother him with a tissue while exhorting him to BLOW! BLOW! and he will scream and cry because this is not only cruel and unusual punishment, but he’s almost 8 and he doesn’t NEED me to help him. Except that when I use this method it seems to hold off the next round of SNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHXing for at least 15 minutes, so it’s often worth it. And if he complains too much I tell him I just want to make sure he has plenty to discuss with his future therapist.

So between the “relaxation” of spending my weekend on Snot Patrol and the baseball games that go until one in the morning, I am just really in need of some rest. Lord knows I am not going to be able to train my child to deal with his cold in a more socially acceptable (or at least quieter) way, so I’ll just have to be delighted that baseball is finally over.

(Go Sox!) (Go get a tissue!)


  1. MomCat

    Your descriptive words for the snorting and snuffing have made my day. : )

  2. All Adither

    Yeah, I relate. My four year old (boy) ends up with white smears up and down his sleeves while he snorts like a rhino all day because he claims he doesn’t know how to blow.

    P.S. I love your sound effects.

  3. Sunshine

    I have been reading your blog for well over a year now.You make me laugh!! This particular entry had me roaring and ever so glad I am not the only one who can hear the “sniffing” a mile away. Thanks, from a mom of seven sniffers

  4. RuthWells

    Sounds *very* familiar. What finally worked for me with G (the now-9-year-old) is to have nose-blowing contests with him. Whoever can blow loudest wins.

  5. saucygrrl

    Amazing. It HAS to be a Y-chromosome thing. I can’t remember blowing your nose to be anything other than instinctive for either me or my sister. Boys… I tell ya… :)

  6. Megan

    Hmmm… boyfriend of one Child turned on the game (the? a? Dunno where in the series it was) and we politely watched while he was there. Just confirmed my opinion that watching baseball is nearly as bad as listening to SNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHX and each game lasts about as long as the average cold. I know. Heresy.

  7. Rosie

    Sometimes they never grow out of it. A coworker (male) is a habitual snorker. All the time, although it’s worse in cold season. I’ve resorted to wearing noise dampening headphones, but sometimes he can break through its protection. It leaves my nerves raw by the end of the day. Maybe I should pin him down with a kleenex.

  8. Burgh Baby's Mom

    I’m so glad this SNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHXing is going on at your house and not mine. I get to laugh at the situation without feeling the pain. My head would be ready to explode after one hour of that.

    That said, I really do hope Monkey is feeling better soon.

  9. janet

    i have taken to plugging myself into my ipod at work where there is a compulsive sniffer. arrghhhhh. all. damned. day.

    thank goodness i can come home to my wonderful husband … who has a cold. SNNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHX.

    kill me.

  10. Wendy

    I am such a juvenile at heart. Can’t stop laughing at the sound effects. Probably because my 8 year old needs lessons in nose-blowing as well!

  11. Aimee

    I know what you mean about moving and then feeling like your identity is more tied to your hometown teams. I felt the same thing. Though I was actually grateful to be away from Boston, because it meant the game ended just after 9:00. Still interminable, but interminable EARLIER.

  12. Leandra

    Our house sounded like a tubercular ward this weekend. It wasn’t the snorting but the hacking cough, which to me is just as maddening! Love the sound effects, too. I think you captured it quite well.

    I did somehow manage to stay up for the whole game last night only because I had a feeling they were going to clinch. But boy 5:00 came early this morning!

  13. Contrary

    I swear to you, I was convinced that my now 4 year old was some sort of prodigy when I taught him to blow his nose at 18 months of age.

    I called people to tell them how preternaturally nose-blowy he was. I wish I was kidding.

    That’s right, I’m not impressed by early reading or mad motor skillz. But nose blowing is the way to my heart.

    Of course, he probably took to it so well because he was tired of being stalked with the nose bulb thingie.

  14. Wendy

    I thought this was a nice little blog. I never thought I would need a warning that nastiness lie ahead.

    I just projectile vomitted. You own me a new laptop.


  15. Flea

    Dude, you should totally chase Monkey around with the little nose bulb thingie. Also good fodder for therapy.

  16. Kristi

    Oh dear God, do I ever agree with you. I’m exhausted from all the sitting around on the couch all night long and watching baseball in between short snoozes. Thank you Jesus for the sweep! Although, in a moment of complete insanity I wanted them to bring the win home to Boston. My sister-in-law is a big-wig for the Red Sox and scored tickets for my son and husband so they flew up for games 1 & 2. Winning at home could have been even more exciting. And more tiring for me. It all works out for the best.

  17. Kendra

    Parallel weekend-same age boy, same sniffling, except here I got to watch all of the sadness because I am on the west coast, and a Rockies fan.

    I do however get the joy of going to the Dr. today because in addition to the nose he has the biggest, whitest tonsils that I’ve seen in recent memory. Yea me.

    Kisses to Monkey-On the top of the head, of course-no germs!

  18. MoMMY

    GAH! I have one (9) who insists on the sniffing technique although he is technically able to blow. I did find with my 11 y/o that once he got his adenoids out he was finally able to blow. He was never really effective at it even when he tried. Now he blows with abandon. Rejoice!

  19. LuAnn

    My 4 year old has the sniffles too. Hope Monkey gets better soon!

  20. Kate

    Huh. I am married to Monkey. The snnnx-ering continues to adulthood.

    I explained in great detail to my husband last night that it wasn’t that Coco Crisp’s first name is funny, and it’s not that his last name is funny, it’s that his WHOLE NAME IS FUNNY. Because his WHOLE NAME is COCO CRISP.

  21. Sara

    At least he’s not using his sleeve.

  22. Kristy

    ugh, I may have just gagged a little at the sound effects, lol

  23. Kimberly

    Remember back when Monkey was in love with tissues? So in love that he paid you so that he could have his own box? Maybe he just has such a devotion to the tissue that he cannot bear to use it in such an unseemly manner.

  24. The Other Leanne

    First, I got to sit in the bar at the Denver airport and watch game 1, *cheering ever so quietly*.

    Second, I got to sit on the hotel shuttle next to a guy in his 20s WHO WAS MAKING THAT SNNNNNNNNNNNNTHXTHXTHX NOISE the entire 30-minute ride. I about gagged. Tell Monkey he doesn’t want to be that guy and so he’d better learn to use a tissue appropriately.

    Third, I was just glad the game got over (Yay, Sox!!) in time to watch Desperate Housewives here on the left coast.

  25. Trish

    My husband never blows his nose either – the sniffling drives me crazy every time he gets sick.

    Also, husband didn’t come to bed until 4 this morning because he fell asleep watching the game and he didn’t even know who won. All that uncomfortable sleep on the couch and nothing to show for it.

  26. StephLove

    I have a six year old, currently sick, who does the same thing and I’ve been wondering if it would be worth the effort to try to get him to stop, given the limited chances of success. After reading this, I think the answer is no. I’m just suggesting he wash his hands every now and then. And he gives me a puzzled look, but does it.

  27. tuney


  28. tuney

    Btw, I have a cat with sinus issues. No warning pre-sneeze… just snot everywhere. Be glad he can at least HOLD a tissue.

  29. kidzmama

    Looking forward to the “regularly scheduled programs”. Not a baseball fan.

    Poor Monkey. Our seven year old is similar. When he is about to sneeze he tries to put his arm in front of his face to catch the sneeze. Unfortunately he aims a bit too high. Arm on forehead, sneeze gunk everywhere! Yuck!

  30. Lori

    ROFLOL – at the comments. Especially tuney’s cat and kidzmama’s 7 y/o.

  31. Tracey

    Sniffles all around! Pass the tissues…Puffs Plus please. My nose deserves it. Snnnnthxthxthx!

  32. cce

    Oh, I know. I’m such a huge Sox fan and at the same time I’m sooo glad it’s over. Last night, as we held on to a tenuous one run lead, all I could think was, I can’t take another post-12 p.m. night. I just can’t.
    Thinking about taking the kids to the parade in town tomorrow but, again, I’m just sooo tired that I’m not sure I can muster the strength to welcome the good old Red Sox back home.
    Wishing them well and much congratulation from the comfort of my living room because that’s the kind of fan I am.

  33. Heather Cook

    LMAO… this is how my son does it too!!

    Granted, I could NOT blow my own nose properly until I was EARLY TEENS because I could NOT take how that FELT… then I learned that it felt SO MUCH BETTER to actually blow your nose rather than just try to wipe away what came out on its own.

    Eww. Sorry, I grossed myself out with my own story about me.

  34. Not The Mama

    AHH. Just reading about the snuffling makes me cringe. I hope Monkey is well soon so that your frazzled nerves can be soothed. And congrats on the World Series win!

  35. Manic Mommy

    Yes, we’ve got the TB here too. And yes, we thank the Sox for sweeping the Rockies as well. We’re all walking zombies up here in MA. Traffic has been lighter on the mornings following games as people show up late or call in all together – and I would speculate that accidents are up as well. Everyone I’ve talked to today had the same response to “how ya doin’?” TIRED.

    Yeah Sox!

  36. David

    Well, I have to admit I was a snorker too, as a kid. I did get over though, and am now able to redirect migrating geese with the healthfully productive honk that I can generate. What gripes me now is when I have a runny nose, blow till my sinuses are wind-burned, and then two seconds later my nose drips. ARGH!

    And the Sox? Man, I so shoulda bought myself a recliner from that furniture guy.

  37. Belinda

    Yeah. Spent last week with Bella doing that same thing, and I’m so glad you spelled it for me.

  38. rebs

    What’s green and goes backwards?…

  39. Hale McKay

    I was glad the Red Sox wrapped up the series in four games. I was glad to see the season come to an end. I was wiped out from all the loss of sleep.

    This Southener (WV) moved to Boston area back in 1972. I have been amazed how many Red Sox fans there are all over the country.

    I like your blog. I’ll try to return soon.

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