I’ll have the grits and a side of nipples

By Mir
October 11, 2007

Otto and I once vowed to go out to breakfast together once a week, but we did it a few times and then his car got hit and we got busy and we’ve just not managed to keep it up. This morning, though, as I sat at my desk, fantasizing about going back to bed, Otto announced that we were going to breakfast.

He lured me in with promises of hot coffee and stone-ground grits, so really, I had no choice. Work? Work, schmerk! It would still be here when I got back! (It was, too. Plenty of people hire ghostwriters… maybe I could hire someone to just take care of my more annoying assignments while I’m out holding hands with my husband. I should look into that.)

We headed downtown for our breakfast date and—as usual—I started feeling very old amidst the college students.

Oh, I am accustomed to the pierced faces and the interesting hairdos and all. But the wind was whipping around this morning and it was about 52 degrees (FREEZING!) and I was trying VERY VERY HARD not to whine about being cold, even though I really WAS cold, because I was wearing short sleeves and had skipped a jacket because PFFFFT, IT’S OCTOBER IN GEORGIA, HOW COLD COULD IT BE? Otto was being kind and loving and saying helpful things like “NOT ONE WORD ABOUT BEING COLD, WIMP” and such and I was looking around at students wearing their flip-flops (which enrage me, anyway, because HELLO, unless you are IN THE SHOWER AT CAMP those are not actually SHOES) and cut-offs and miniskirts that only cover the area where hair would grow if they had any, which frankly I do not want to think about too hard.

So we went to a diner we like and I ordered coffee and then wrapped my hands around the mug for warmth and tried to keep my teeth from chattering, and of course observing all of the interesting wardrobe choices outside prompted Otto to comment on some “inappropriate attire” he’s seen on his students, and we had just about come around to discussing slightly more meritorious issues (like how we are old and tired and need to start going to bed earlier) when a waitress swept past us in a skin-tight white tank top. And no bra.

Look. I know it’s not my place to judge. I KNOW. But I just want to drink my coffee and have my breakfast, and if I really wanted to spend my morning with nipples in my face, I’m sure there are ways in which that could be arranged. But I am not seeking porn at the moment, I’m just waiting for my bacon. So do you think maybe you could either wear a bra or put something on over your tank top. I mean, I was wondering if it’s still cold outside and NOW I KNOW.

She was young and perky and pretty, and she headed over to the table behind us to take their order, and I COULD NOT LOOK AWAY. It was mesmerizing. I mean, she might as well have been naked. Part of me wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU because lord knows that if I had had ANY idea what breastfeeding would do to my breasts, I would’ve spent a lot more time pimping the girls in my youth, and—

Wait. That’s not true. Back in my day (lo those many years ago, during the Jurassic period), I always wore a bra in public. Had my nipples been showing through a white shirt in such a way that people could’ve played connect-the-dots with the bumps on my areolae I’m sure I would’ve died of embarrassment.

She seemed completely oblivious. Even when the guy behind us was completely unable to make eye contact with her while ordering his pancakes.

Maybe I’m just an old prude, I dunno.

What I DO know is that I’m really, really glad I skipped the sunny-side up eggs.


  1. Stephanie Chance

    It wasn’t cold; she was just really excited that you came to that diner for breakfast.

    Sorry, I couldn’t come up with anything better. I was just excited that I might be the first poster.

  2. All Adither

    That is distracting. You just have to feel sorry for her. She’s looking for attention in all the wrong places. Poor girl.

    Wish I could be so poor.

  3. vkj

    Too funny!!!
    Did Otto make eye contact?

  4. Ben

    Okay, FIRST, my daughter – who, by the way, is the Imelda Marcos of the flip-flop world – says they are TOO shoes, and she sticks her tongue out for emphasis.

    SECOND, this post is useless without pictures.

    And FINALLY, you got me to comment (which isn’t that hard, really) so good for you.

  5. Megan

    I have an old, dear friend who introduced me to the lovely phrase: “goodness! It’s a tit nipply out today.” Unfortunately like all good phrases I get to use it very rarely.

    By the way – students are ever the same. I have now personally observed the unseasonal flip-flop/shorts outfit in the desert Southwest (year round), East Coast (ditto) and Alaska (right up until it drops below 15 degrees). Far worse though was the effect of warm weather on the middle-aged German population. I don’t want to scar anyone, but “black Speedo swimsuit” was involved.

  6. saucygrrl

    I’m right there with ya sista. Now that the 30s have creeped up on me without me noticing (wait, that’s a lie, I love birthdays… anyway) I find myself being all cranky to the younger crowd and commenting on what they wear. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to stop myself regardless of how it forces me relate to what my mom used to say about me and my friends. So, what I’m saying is, I think it’s a progressive generational thing.

    I’m sure nipple-girl will scoff at some other younger girl in 20 years, commenting on how pasties never used to be accepted as actual clothing back in her day.

  7. Aimee

    Sunny side up eggs! Bwaaaaaaaah!

  8. jennielynn

    You should probably stop having breakfast at Hooters. Just a nip. Get it? Nip instead of tip? Heh, heh, heh. I’m a gonna get some coffee now.

  9. Sheila

    I find “But I am not seeking porn at the moment, I’m just waiting for my bacon” funny in an ironic sort of way.


  10. Sheila

    Oh, and P.S. I bet Otto starts to lobby for breakfast out EVERY morning. I know my husband would.

  11. RuthWells

    Bet she gets good tips, though.

  12. Cele

    I’m older than you, hmmm by a stone age or okay just the stone age, but flipflops (or beachwalkers) and shorts were standard fare when I was in high school. Today cold toes just chills me to my very bones. And my mini skirts were that short, but I always wore nylons. What is it with girls and adults not wearing nylons anymore? ugh.

  13. Becky

    Score one for me being the only student in the classroom not wearing flip-flops. Seriously, our French Professor attempted to find someone who didn’t have on flip-flops so he could tell us the correct word for shoes, but failed since I was sitting in the back.

  14. Jenny

    Oh to be young, perky, and without shame or good sense.

  15. Jenny

    Also, I could THROW DOWN on a big bowl of grits right now.

  16. Sara

    Back in the day, I didn’t even want my bra straps to show! Nipples showing? Fuggeddaboutit. Now all these young whippersnappers walk about with their many colored bra straps flying like so many flags. I. AM. OLD. I’ll just go curl up in a corner with my prune juice and shawl now.

  17. Karen

    I am wearing flip flops today in NJ – but it is a balmy 58 degrees. Boot time will come, but flip flops must be worn as long as humanly possible.

  18. cce

    She probably paid a lot of money for that pair and felt entitled to show ’em off having made a steep investment paid for by tips accrued serving grits and coffee and enduring the occasional order for hot tea with lemon on the side.

  19. Pave.Gurl

    Everyone’s on about the nipps and flops, and I am focussing on the fact that your blood thinned that quickly that you’re cold now *laughing*

    See, I get picked on a LOT because I start layering and pulling out the sweaters when the temps drop below… OH, 80 or so. Today, I am wearing a wool coat because the high is supposed to be 70. *brrr*

    But I do have to ask: Do Yankees not wear flip-flops, then?

  20. Kristi

    I agree with Ben. Where are the pictures???

  21. Juliness

    I would have never dreamed of showing off ANY body part, private or even semi-private. In my late teens and early 20’s I wore respectable, boring clothes. Sigh.

  22. Dawn

    Yes, in my day (what WAS the period just before the Jurassic? Class? Anyone? Beuhler?) showing a bra strap or, gasp! “high beams” was cause for public ridicule. But I say flaunt ’em while ya got ’em girl, ’cause they head south sooner than you think.

    That said, I still think it’s inappropriate to work in a tight, white tank top and no bra, unless it’s Hooters or a strip club.

    It’ll be interesting to see what the next generation does to rebel against this one. I do hope Speedos aren’t involved.

  23. janet

    Had my nipples been showing through a white shirt in such a way that people could’ve played connect-the-dots with the bumps on my areolae I’m sure I would’ve died of embarrassment.

    i now have to clean vanilla latte off my computer screen.

    and btw, bra straps are a fashion statement (something i would rather have DIED than have show) and not only that, sometimes my daughter’s ACTUAL BRA (like i mean the CUP part) shows over the top or side of her tank top. drives me cuh-razy.

  24. aharris

    As a, hm, well-endowed young 20-something, I must say that going bra-less is only something I did/do when I’m in my jammies all day (i.e. in college when I stumbled to lunch on the weekends at the dining hall, UNDER A HOODIE), or to sleep. Or shower. Obviously.

    Natural boobies move. Waitressing with my goods rocking and swaying while I serve eggs and bacon is NOT my idea of a good time. But, as cce said, did she pay a lot of money for those to NOT move? And I’m sure her tips are UH MAZE’N.

    Also – to janet – bra straps, to my generation, are so not a big deal except in public school where even showing your shoulder is considered sexual in nature. BUT I ALSO have the problem with the cup side of my bra showing when wearing tank tops. I think it’s just the mixture of the cut of the tank and the cut of the bra. Boo.

  25. ScottsdaleGirl

    CELE: Nylons? Tools of the devil. That’s why.

    Mi-iiir:Flip Flops are TOO shoes (hear your 7 yr old’s voice when you read that)

    And also…BOOBS! It’s what’s for breakfast.

  26. becky

    flip flops are standard attire around here. year round. i wear them a lot, too, but i’m an old fogey who only buys the ones with arch support so i don’t destroy my feet.

    yeah, i really wouldn’t want a side of nipples with my eggs either. no matter how they’re cooked.

  27. becky

    ps) can’t wait to hear about the searches that get people to your site because of the post title.

  28. Susan

    I just read this post and then shot over to your other site to read about the Frito Lay deal. The first time I read it, I thought it said, “Need some nipples to pack in the kids’ lunches?”

  29. Randi

    Ha! That being said, are grits really that tasty?!

  30. Holly

    I’m a young twenty something and I have to say, bra straps will ALWAYS be trashy!! It’s not all of us youngens, just the clueless ones!

  31. Heather

    Connect the dots? hehe. Mir, you are quite marvelous. And there’s no way I would’ve been able to keep a straight face while ordering.

  32. Esme

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

  33. jp


    I’m wearing flip flops today in NY and its 63 degrees. Of course they are my Red Sox flip flops and I DON’T DARE wear anything else till after the play offs……….even if it snows!!

    Pretty, colored, lacy bra straps, OK to show, grundgy, dirty twisted not white ones?!??!


  34. Matty the Stranger

    can i have the address of this place, please… was she wearing a ring… help a brotha out!!!!


    love your words, Mir… thanks so much


  35. Jen

    I was reading Vanity Fair yesterday and they had this whole Annie Leibowitz spread on folk singers that was tasteful. Joan Baez, Peter, Paul and Mary, the Guthries, etc. All calm and folky. The very next page was naked Victoria Secret models. Of course my husband pointed out that they weren’t “naked”- they had spikey heels and gloves on covering their nipples. I didn’t get the magazine back after that. I suppose after showing Christopher Hitchens in the shower last month they had no choice.

  36. Bob

    “because HELLO, unless you are IN THE SHOWER AT CAMP those are not actually SHOES)”. OH. MY. GOD. I have met my fellow curmudgeon and she is you! I CANNOT stand flip-flops (he says wearing birkenstocks), they tee-totally get on my nerves and make me rant like an 80-year-old being charged full price at Denny’s.

    And you’re practically 10 years younger than I am. (as of last friday, anyway). Shame, that.

  37. Wendy

    Not that I would wear them to breakfast – but my girlfriends and I all have these wonderful fake rubber nipples that we wear under our tight shirts when we go to the clubs. It’s so much fun to see everyone squirm and avoid eyecontact. Yes, many drinks are purchased and sent our way. I do have to agree tho – bacon with a side of nipples is a bit much.

  38. carson

    My mind reading that post:
    OMIGOD, Mir’s outsourcing her writing, I’d love to be her sous chef. . .damn, she was kidding.

    And it’s getting cold, I love the fall.

    Foam flip flops? Or leather/faux leather? Big difference, although I can’t get past the thingie between my toes.

    Mmmmmm. Bacon.

    Was there more to the post?

  39. carolyn

    My kids wear flip flops as often as they can and faaaar into the winter season. some kind of fashion statement?

  40. Beth

    I’m surprised I’m the first person to point out that: not only are practically bare nipples a distraction, they’re also not appropriate work attire… especially for food service!

  41. chris

    I hope you left her a good tip and a note to go spend it on a bra.

  42. Little Bird

    Maybe the next time you go to that breakfast spot you could leave her either gel petals or low-beams. They are a life saver. I work in a bar, where you would think high-beams would help the tips, but alas, I am super uncomfortable with that. Admittidly that would be one very hefty tip, gel petals are not cheap.
    I would like to know why bra choices are thin w/no support, or padded. How exactly do they help?

  43. twig

    Speaking of it being “a tit bit nipply,” I have a friend who would finish it with “I wish it were hooter!”

    It’s a classic joke between us. Almost as good as the one “It’s colder than a witch’s titty in a cast iron bra.”

  44. Carrie

    This was too funny. I needed that – thanks!

  45. angie

    I know you’re younger than me, so you don’t get to make all those ‘old’ comments, ok? I totally feel you on the flip flops! And I also agree about the nipples. ew!

  46. Barb Cooper

    You know, as a girl/woman who could NEVER go braless, not ever, not once, from the age of 14 on, I find it really ironic that if someone wanted to see my nipples NOW and I was braless, they’d have to lie on the floor and look up.

    I hate being old.

  47. nan

    You shoulda said “can I get an extra squirt in my coffee?” hee hee!

  48. Wendy

    I am more shocked that her employer didn’t notice or allowed her to work looking like that.

    She can’t be a real Southern woman or raised by one, because no Southern Belle in her right or crazy mind left the house with the girls doing the high, hard one. Maybe you should have ordered the eggs and then handed them to her to cover up.

  49. jenn

    My six month old son would’ve loved it. (He’s all about the boob.) And probably my husband too, if we’re being honest here.

    And also, Barb Cooper, BWAAAAHAHAHA!!! Me too. The girls used to be pretty spectacular in their day, but sadly I guess it’s someone else’s turn now.

  50. Little Bird

    I meant to tell you earlier, I found a place that serves BACON MARTINIS. It’s in Vegas, but still. Bacon, it’s breakfast related. Veags, it’s boob related.

  51. Brigitte

    Ack, I would have keeled over from embarrassment if anything boob or bra-related ever showed either. Heck, I’m such a prude, I feel naked if my skirt is higher than my calves (I think that’s a hold-over from the wrap-around skirt days of the 70s, where the slightest breeze would reveal your undies to the whole world).

    But I agree with Carson on the flip-flops, it depends what kind of flip-flops.

  52. Rhonda

    I want to know what the deal is with no one wearing hose anymore, too. But anyway, last night on CSI the characters were complaining about the 100+ heat in Vegas but they all had on JACKETS!!!! Wardrobe missed that one. I can wear flip flops until the weather cools. Then icy toes are miserable.

    A tit bit nipply! Love it. My approaching 50 sister tried on a new bra at Vic’s Secret and said, “I’m used to lift and separate, not push up and squeeze together!”

  53. Ben

    Couldn’t help but think of you this morning.


  54. Kristin

    Hahahaha, LOVE it! And 50 degrees in Georgia anytime of the year not December-February IS cold! I know – I’m from Tennessee!

  55. Ilona

    “…people could’ve played connect-the-dots with the bumps on my areolae…” Anyone who can write that sentence is most definitely NOT a prude.

    When I was a kid, we wore flip-flops (called “thongs” back then, before the word was seconded by the lingerie industry) all summer long. When we were forced to wear footwear at all. And that, my dear Mir, was forty years ago.

    Ye GODS, that makes me sound so oooold.

    I don’t like wearing them now, not because they’re inferior footwear (stylewise), but because they’re inferior footwear. You cannot make headway in the d*mned things. (Don’t try to argue that you can — I walk a LOT, and I walk FAST, and flip-flops, they are not up to the job.)

  56. Antique Mommy

    I’ll disagree with you on the flip flops, we wear’em year around in the south — of course not white after Labor Day, we have our fashion standards.

    I will totally agree with you on the bra. There are better ways to draw attention to yourself.

  57. Pree

    I just graduated from school and in my last 5 years in college, I could probably count in one hand how many times I didnt wear flip-flops.
    There is nothing more comfortable.

  58. Jen

    Ok, I just needed to tell you. I spent the weekend in Vegas, and I kid you not. I saw a girl at 3:00 in the afternoon, wearing a scoop neck jersey shirt that scooped all the way BELOW her boobs. She was wearing a bra that went with the shirt, but I did a total double take and had to explain to my husband what the shirt actually looked like. We also had a conversation where I asked how was anyone suppose to be able to tell who were the hookers anymore. Maybe there are no streetwalkers on the strip? I don’t know but there were a lot of girls of every age dressed like hookers. Also, lots of pretty dresses with ugly beat up flip flops. Now I feel old too…

  59. Momma Em

    “ScottsdaleGirl says:

    CELE: Nylons? Tools of the devil. That’s why.

    Mi-iiir:Flip Flops are TOO shoes (hear your 7 yr old’s voice when you read that)

    And also…BOOBS! It’s what’s for breakfast. ”

    Can. Not. Stop. Laughing!!!

    Totally agree with the first.

    Don’t ever come to Hawaii if you hate flip-flops (they call them Slippahs here)

    And boobs are only allowed to be breakfast for the crazy 3 month old baby girl that attacks me at 2am.

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