Can’t talk, licking my iPod

By Mir
September 6, 2007

Dude, yesterday was like Christmas. New computer! New iPod! New scanner/printer/copier thing that may or may not also julienne vegetables!

My wee little mind, it is blown.

Anyway, I have to remain Very! Excited! about all of this, to help lessen the reaction I will have when the bill arrives. I mean, yes, business deductions and all of that (the printer and iPod were free, even), but you know, it PAINS ME to spend money. Especially since it’s not as though I can recoup the money from my other stupid computers. Otto did suggest that we get a boat… seeing as how we’d be all set for anchors…. (Ba dum DUM!)

I got a three-year warranty, so there will be no more flagrant spending of technology funds for at least that long. And I will continue to ignore Otto’s excited babbling about the drop in price on the iPhone because I CANNOT HEAR HIM LALALALALALALA!

Anyway, I am clinging to this new iPod for dear life, because I think it may help me to shut out this confusing world which I cannot comprehend. I mean, sure, occasionally I am still going to have to deal with other humans, but I hope to minimize that as much as possible.

[Oh, I’m not talking about YOU. You’re great. Not to mention pretty. And you have so many corn recipes! We had a Mexican casserole thing last night with about half the leftover corn (chicken, corn, salsa, spinach tortillas, sour cream) and it was delicious. Tonight: Corn pudding! Viva la corn!]

So, I think I’ve mentioned that our new health insurance leaves me less than enthused. Both the HMO and our chosen primary doctor have not thrilled me. And part of what bothers me about the HMO is that their physician-finder (I just typed physician-finger which is something altogether different, I suspect) gives next to no information about a doctor other than their title. That was how I ended up having them recommend a doctor who doesn’t actually see children for my kids (useful!), and how I ended up making some phone calls yesterday that made me hate people.

I need a new gynecologist. (You’re welcome.) I need someone who specializes in early menopause and hormone replacement, because I went into surgical menopause at the ripe old age of 33 and for those of you unfamiliar with the workings of the female system, that is VERY EARLY to be giving up on Mother Nature’s little gift of estrogen. Synthetic hormone replacement is a great big pain in the patootie, because no one has figured out how to regulate it as well as, say, A WORKING PAIR OF OVARIES typically does it.

So it is nice to have a doctor who specializes in this sort of thing, so that when I have to go in and say I HAVE HAD A MIGRAINE FOR TEN DAYS, PLEASE KILL ME they generally know what to do.

Of course, the HMO’s directory tells me nothing other than “does vaginas.” And NATURALLY the doctor I found on my own (okay, he was recommended to me) isn’t covered on my plan. So I started making phone calls.

Her: Hello, Giant Vagina Practice, may I help you?
Me: Yes, hi, I’m looking for a new gynecologist. I see that you have six doctors in your practice who are all part of my health care plan, Stupid HMO.
Her: Mmmhmmm, yes, that’s right, you can see any of them.
Me: I need someone who specializes in early menopause and hormone replacement. Do any of your doctors focus in that?
Her: Mmmhmmm, all of them.
Me: Ummmm… ALL of them?
Her: Yes ma’am.
*crickets chirp while I try to choose my words carefully*
Me: Yes, um, well, I’m sure that they all HANDLE menopause, but I am looking for someone who SPECIALIZES in it. Do you have anyone like that?
Her: *getting impatient* They ALL do, every single one of them. They’re exactly the same, all six doctors specialize in everything.

[The Princess Bride starts playing through my brain. “That word… I do not think it means what you think it means.”]

Me: Um, that’s not specializing. If everyone does it? Then it’s not a specialty.
Her: Well THEY ALL do it.
Me: Okay. Uh. When’s the earliest I could get an appointment?
Her: November 20something now that you have pissed me off what with your picky insistence that I make sense.

(Okay, she didn’t really qualify that last bit. But the message was clear.)

Me: I… am going to have to call you back.

Then I called another practice. And they gave me an appointment in less than two weeks. Plus they did not try to convince me that “every doctor specializes in every thing,” which made me feel better in general. But I still plan to bring my iPod and just zone out rather than risk getting into another altercation with a secretary.


  1. writtenwyrdd

    Hormone induced migraines? Me too! I sympathise. Nothing like a migraine lasting more than a week to make a handy cliff look inviting.

    Your corn usage sounds delicious. Now, if you have a recipe for sweet pepper jelly, I’d about kill for that!

  2. Burgh Baby's Mom

    If yesterday’s post didn’t send the Google searches into overdrive, “Giant Vagina Practice” most certainly will. Bravo!

  3. Amy

    Sweet pepper jelly – pour it on top of some brie, spread that all on crackers, and YUM! Very very tasty. (Oh, and don’t forget the wine to wash it all down)

    Enjoy your music, Mir. :)

  4. Jen

    Do you know if ipods play audiobooks from itunes that have been downloaded as mp4s? My mp3 player won’t play them and I can’t convert them.

  5. writtenwyrdd

    Amy said: Sweet pepper jelly – pour it on top of some brie, spread that all on crackers, and YUM! Very very tasty. (Oh, and don’t forget the wine to wash it all down)

    You’re killing me here! And cream cheese is almost as good as brie.

  6. Genevieve

    Major sympathies on the ten-day migraine and the ridiculous HMO / obgyn practice.

    Have you ever used Wellpatch Migraine patches? They really help when you need some additional relief – they’re little gel patches that you stick on the back of your neck and it’s like wearing a small icepack all day.

  7. Leandra

    Ahahahahah! Giant Vagina Practice! Hiliarious. Paired with “I do not think it means what you think it means” — my all time favorite line from TPB (I can just HEAR Inigo’s voice saying that). You should have come back with “Inconceivable!”

  8. Sara

    Does the “Giant Vagina Practice” only serve those with Giant Vaginas? Because, um, well, that might actually be a specialty. And possibly it might be a bit scary too.

  9. Amy-Go

    Next time just shout “Prepare to die!” and hang up.

  10. saucygrrl

    As if your post wasn’t funny enough… Amy-Go just made me pee a little.

    Stupid medical office people. I’m sure, however, that their nonsensical conversation style invokes confidence in all of their patients. ALL OF THEM.

    (OMG, writtenwyrdd sweet pepper jelly is fantastic on chive biscuits and/or as a dipping sauce for coconut shrimp!)

  11. Aimee

    I like Amy-Go’s suggestion.

  12. All Adither

    I guess I should appreciate my ovaries more.

  13. mar

    Jen –

    Burn them off on a CD, then use a program (download free!) like WinAmp to copy them back onto your computer – it should automatically rip them into MP3’s (or at least give you the option of how you want it to be done.) It’s an extra step, yes, but it can be done. I keep a CD-RW disk just for that purpose.

    Mir – if your insurance company is as unhelpful as my current co. is, then this won’t work, but with my previous, more helpful insurance company – even though their book/online directory didn’t have very much info, I called them, and apparently, their internal computers had all that very helpful info, and they were able to help me narrow down my search. I don’t think they would be able to help with inept receptionists though …

    Good luck – and enjoy the new toys!

  14. Shalee

    Oh. My. Lands. I started peri-menopause at 33 as well, only I didn’t know it and I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. I happened to mention in passing to my mom, mainly as a joke, that I feel as if I’m going through “That Time,” and she said, “Well, Sha, that sounds about right. Both your grandmother and I started in our thirties.” Gah! To me that seems like an important bit of information to share with your daughter…

    Needless to say, it helps to at least be aware of the reason I’ve been playing the part of a witch for the last couple of years. Plus it gives Mr. Right hope that he hasn’t, in fact, married Sybil after all. And although I’m on an HMO, I was blessed to find a doctor who is willing to work well with me on it. She doesn’t push drugs, which is great because I don’t want to take them. It’s a win-win situation in my book.

    We just received our MacBook and let me tell you: I love it and my iPod. It’s my new best friend. Now I have a reason to tell the kids that I didn’t hear their whining…

  15. Stephanie

    I’m a new commenter, but I’ve been reading from the beginning. Usually, I get most of my new ideas from you. (thanks for the turn on to bacon salt…. fiance loves it and uses it on everything) I just wanted to let you know that I made chess bars last night and I don’t know if I did it wrong, or if they’re supposed to be really greasy and bland….. perhaps I am not as great a chef as I lead myself to believe. Hmmmm…. Oh and I always feel that a trip to the Vajayjay doctor merits a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon.

  16. Cele

    Giant Vagina Practice…too much Mir, you’re too much.

    Sha, I think we’ve been kept in the dark long enough on what our mothers went through. It’s my goal to share my journey with all…well at least with my daughters, and which ever poor soul visits my blog.

  17. JustRandi

    I’m just glad to hear that most doctors specialize in everything. That’s gonna save me a lot of time on the phone.

  18. Melisa

    This link might be useful in doing a little research on the doctor(s) you are interested in. I found the link through docfinder. I use it regularly, as our insurance seems to change on an annual basis.

  19. Lauren

    Oh Honey…I feel for you. I just closed my eyes and chose the first one I pointed to in the phone book-mostly because I was afraid of embarrassing questions over the phone. Im horribly afraid of the “V” word. Makes me blush. (Im sure there is something terribly wrong with that)..Good Luck!

  20. Zee

    Egad, what is it with these medical secretaries? That crazy woman should not be working for a doctor. My neurologist’s secretary once charged me $25 to make a photocopy of a copy of my own test results that I wouldn’t have needed had the darn doctor called me in the first place! (I have yet to bring this little charge to his attention but believe me, it will happen and I hope she gets fired. Heh.)

    Anyway, nothing makes me crazier than medical support staff that have no clue and/or no compassion.

  21. prophet

    BEWARE the post-Mac regrets.

    They pass, never fear. But it’s VERY SERIOUS at the time!

    Firmly RESIST the urge to send it back because screens close on the left now, instead of the right, and the ‘control’ button doesn’t control the same things – you now have to hit the little squiggly button/apple key, and Microsoft Word for Macs SUCKS. [I don’t WANT a “formatting palette” that overlays my document – thank you very much! Make it go away! Changing fonts used to be so easy. . . . .]

    You will get used to this. You will LIKE IT. Trust me. Been there.

    (happily 2-finger scrolling now. . .)

  22. Jane

    Leandra’s comment made me choke on my coffee, is there also a “good luck storming the castle” joke in there somewhere too? I despise new doctor’s offices.

  23. Cristin

    I have found medical/dental front office people to be some of the dullest, most awe-inducingly stupid people I have ever had the pleasure of imagining deceased.

  24. Jenny

    Oh, I feel you. I’ve had three bajingo doctors in the last 10 years because they keep retiring on me. I hope that’s not some kind of cosmic commentary on my ladyparts.

    Has anyone sent the recipe for the corn dip that has the cream cheese and the jalapenos and the warm, melty goodness? Because if not, I can find it.

  25. Jenny

    Also — I’m so happy to see a bunch of people who also use Princess Bride jargon in everyday conversation. I used “I do not think that means what you think it means” just yesterday.

  26. sassymonkey

    I like Amy-Go’s suggestion but think you should expand on it and say “Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father, prepare to die!”

  27. Delton

    As a regular male reader of yours, I’ll choose to focus on the Princess Bride reference and ignore the rest of this, cause I like my male ignorance! You always seem to run into this type of person though, don’t you? Instead of trying to make her understand, you should have just said the Princess Bride line, just to see what her reaction would have been. Good luck with the non-specializing specialist!

  28. AKD

    I find myself in too many situations (many at work) where “It’s possible, pig” comes into my head and it would just be inappropriate to say it.

  29. ScottsdaleGirl

    Giant Vaginas… wonder what the measuring device is for that?

  30. writtenwyrdd

    I am close friends with a doctor and I happen to have heard some of the front office staff stories. Don’t think the docs don’t know what goes on; but in those practices such as HMOs and hostpital-run practices, the docs have no say in the hiring and firing of the goof ups. And it is B.A.D. in her office.

    “…it has been my pleasure to picture deceased.” ROFL!

  31. BOSSY

    Interesting about the hardware but Bossy has this to ask: Where can she buy a few of those Business Deductions?

  32. Kristen

    ah, the feel of new technology. it drowns out the wails of poor health care.

  33. Heather

    Ah, so funny :-D Thanks!

  34. Angela

    Nice joke there about anchors… Did you know you could PAY someone to “recycle” your computers…thats crap. Oh, you can also add a rider to your homeowners insurance policy, for a $1k computer for us it was only $15 a year with no deductbile if it was stolen, broken by accident, etc. But of course it doesn’t cover if it just stops working.

  35. Chuck

    OK, that phrase “does vaginas” had me spewing beer over my monitor. Actually, I still need to find a doctor that “does prostates” although I don’t need a specialist for that area yet.

    I have been slow to find doctors since I moved. And I had a medical team I liked where I used to live (Internal Medicine, ENT, chiropractor, dermatologist, and dentist.) So far, I’ve only replaced the chiro guy, the dentist, and the dermatologist.

    The dermatologist here HAS found two early basal cells (I’m pale, and I grew up in New Mexico, and I’m in my late 30’s now) so I’m glad I found him at least. Maybe he can give me referrals to a new primary doc and an ENT, and then I’ll be happy.

    I am glad I have health insurance, though. It seems like decent health care is getting harder to find as I get older, and I wonder, if I had no health insurance, would I have just skipped seeing a dermatologist to save money, and possibly be dying of a cancer now that was easily removed when they detected it early? I’ve never had melanoma, thank goodness, but I have had a squamous cell and three basal cell skin cancers removed…none of which is serious when they catch it early, but can be deadly if left untreated.

  36. elswhere

    Yes, yes, vaginas, iPods, The Princess Bride, corn, all very well, but…what about Xtina? [to be read in the same tone as the voiceover in “Love of Chair” intoning “What About…Naomi?”]

    Because some of us, we grab onto one plot line like a drooly terrier and cannot let go until we find out What Happened.

  37. MsRebecca

    The rocket scientist stole my ipod [hers crapped out] now I’m s.o.l. how unfair.. I want to tune the world out too sometimes :)

  38. Nancy R

    Paula Deen made corn chowder on Paula’s Home Cooking. I thought of you, of course. You’re both southern, you’re both cooking with corn…

  39. Ayla-Monic

    Hey, does that mean that when I go on to grad school I can declare my concentration as Everything? That would mean when I finally break into actual medical research, I can cure everything. Neat-o!

    (stupid people piss me off.)

  40. D

    http://www.Audiophile... it’s like the Great Escape Of All Things Lalalalala. Mp3 usable, but I’m sure YOU can figure it out on your rockin’ IPod!

  41. Christie

    Hi, I don’t think I’ve commented yet, but I wanted to let you know I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I really enjoy it! :)

    I’m Christie, btw!

  42. Elena

    reminds me of when I was pregnant with Bookey–there were 2 doctors in the same building who took my insurance and I picked the woman doctor. BIG mistake. I wanted to make sure my birth experience with Bookey was different and better than the nightmare of having Zac, so I wrote down about 2 pages worth of questions on my legal pad only to have the dr walk in and say, You’re only 13 weeks along how can you possibly have THAT many questions?
    And she was NOT kidding. Needless to say, that was my last appt with her. I switched to the male dr, he was wonderful.
    Also, the woman dr? Had the female receptionist FROM HELL.

  43. tammy

    You have to change your insurance so that you can come see the cute doctor with me!

    I mean, not WITH me. That would be weird. But I bet he has some corn recipes.

  44. Rae

    Yes, I’ve heard enough about the iPhone dropping in price, too! We are still not buying one, husband!

  45. Little Bird

    As one who ALWAYS has to “educate” a new doctor about my particular neurlogical disorder, I too despise going to a new doctor. I do have to say though, that I have (so far) never experienced a migraine that lasted more than one day, and hope it stays that way. Also, I have had the doctors recceptionist hell-story. Get this, many, many years ago, when I was about 19 I had tonsilitis. I went to my doc and my doc agveme the standard (at the time) mono test. I heard nothing back from the docs office after two weeks (the length of my doctors note to get me out of work without being fired) and went back to work. I also in this two week period changed addresses (even longer story here). I called the docs office upon moving to let them know the new number and then asked ” oh by the way, how did my mono test turn out?” Silence. Yep it was positve, and the receptionist said SHE HAD LEFT THAT INFORMATION WITH THE MAN WHO ANSWERED THE PHONE EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT ME, THE GIRL WHO HAD BEEN COMING TO THAT OFFICE FOR THREE YEARS. I was less than happy. But I got two more weeks of work off. Should I have mentioned that while I read this blog fairly often, I rarely comment? And that this was a subject that hit kinda close to home? Oh yeah, I hate the Gyno tests too, even though my GP does that.

  46. Katrina Stonoff

    Sounds like hairdressers: have you ever noticed that if you call a salon asking for someone who specializes in X, the person who answers the phone always does?

    For my wedding, I made an appointment with someone who said (when I asked) that he specialized in up-dos for very long hair (like down to my knees). I knew exactly what I wanted, but he didn’t know how to do a “rope” (and couldn’t learn even when I showed him), and he put my mass of heavy hair into a bun with four, regular-sized bobby pins. Of course, it fell within five minutes.

    Fortunately, that was just a trial run. I ended up doing my hair myself, with the help of my teenage niece, and it was gorgeous and stress-free. Of course do-it-yourself gynecology is a bit harder.

    I just hate it when professional people dishonestly claim specialities they don’t have, but a doctor?!! That’s the worst!

    Here’s hoping the two-week appointment is with a doctor who really does.

  47. Jenifer

    You kill me!

    I really hate stupid people….

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