The most inconvenient part about having had a total hysterectomy is not the annoyance of synthetic hormones or the worries about early-onset osteoporosis, but the inability to blame anything on PMS anymore.
See, I used to think I had PMS a lot. It turns out, I’m just a cranky bitch.
Like, see, today? Today sucked giant, hairy donkey balls for various reasons, and many of them were small and stupid reasons, and a couple of them were large and truly important reasons, but the end result was that I left the house to run a couple of errands and returned in a gigantic fit of pique.
I stormed around and flung my belongings about and eventually flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, as that seemed the only activity I could engage in for longer than a few seconds without wanting to kill anyone.
(The children were, mercifully, otherwise occupied upstairs while this was happening.)
Otto came into the bedroom a bit gingerly, and I immediately felt a stab of regret at having behaved so poorly, but it was intermingled with annoyance that he was BREATHING MY AIR.
“I’m giving myself a time out,” I announced. I sort of hoped it would make him go away, but also hoped he would ignore me and make everything all better. Possibly with a magic wand or a genie that he could make arise from his cell phone.
Otto lay down on the bed next to me—somewhat gingerly, and far enough away that I probably couldn’t kick him easily—and picked up my hand. We lay there quietly for a while.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said after a bit.
I stared at the ceiling some more.
“I know,” I finally answered.
Chickadee came downstairs for something, then, and after talking to her for a minute she went off to do whatever she was doing, and I got up grumbling about all the work I had to do and headed back into the office.
Otto told me to do what I needed to do; he would go pick up the groceries and make dinner. I probably grunted in response.
He left and I did some work. When he returned with half a dozen grocery bags in hand, he walked into the office and opened my bottom desk drawer and dropped an entire grocery bag in.
“Shut up. They were on sale. You need an emergency stash.”
I peered into the bag. Snack sizes of M&Ms and Reese’s Cups and Snickers bars. I smiled for what felt like the first time in a week.
“I think I might be having an emergency RIGHT NOW,” I pointed out.
“Maybe so,” Otto agreed.
I thanked him with a mouthful of peanut M&Ms.
I continued working, and Otto made dinner. And I could just say “Otto made dinner” but that would not convey that he not only made a delicious dinner AND set the table AND insisted on cleaning up afterwards, but he bought two kinds of baguettes because the multigrain ones are yummy but Monkey refuses to eat any bread that “has seeds” (translation: has any visible whole grain, or any other kind of bump), and he gave Chickadee her very own bowl of pasta sauce sans meatballs, which she has just now decided she hates and was bereft upon considering attaining sauce without the dreaded contamination of them.
And try as I might to remain irascible and crabby, it really is hard to do so with this sort of treatment. Damn him.
I think I’m in love with Otto.
I suffer from the lack of ability to claim PMS as well. My hubby probably was under the misguided belief that after the hysterectomy I would turn in to a ray of eternal sunshine. But no chance. He claims there is PMS(pre), DMS(during), AMS(after) and PHMS(post-hysterectomy).
Unfortunately for the hubby our teenage daughter now suffers from the first three, so he is surrounded by female hormones synethic and natural. Poor guy, lucky for him he keeps on hand Reese’s Cups, Kit Kat bars and Twix bars.
Kuddos to Otto! He is definitely a blessing. Heaven help the males of the earth who are subject to our female woes. We must be worth the drama or they would run to live in an all male commune.
If he is really that bad, I will take him off your hands. I would be willing to suffer for your happiness.
I want a secret stash too! You have a great guy!
Aww, this is an awesome and heart-warming story. Bonus points for Otto!
We really cannot feel too sorry for you anymore!
Who needs a magic wand when you’ve got peanut m&m’s? Perfect solution.
Isn’t it great when you find THE one that will take care of all of the problems without having to understand the how of them, but understands that sometimes the only thing that will help is chocolate? I didn’t know that there were any other ones, but my dh. I’m so glad that you found yours…makes life much more bearable!
I want an ‘Otto’.
but YAY for YOU!
Otto needs to slow down, he’s giving the rest of us “ball & chains” a bad name.
Dude – back off. remember: underwear, beer, recliner, remote-control, football. no more, no less.
You should totally keep him.
hahaha. wtg otto! my husband has been known to do that as well. for instance, he had dinner ready when i got home tonight (i had to work late). i think i’ll keep him.
May the pique gods [could they be pique-nicks?] fly away in their own piques because the Otto has foiled them with his own mighty powers.
A good hubby :-) Way to buy chocolate, Otto!
Oh, great. NOW I want chocolate! Thanks Otto! ;P
A man who understands the need for chocolate – dreamy!
good husbands are a rare kind.. Im glad you found a good one, I too have been lucky and got the best man I could ever ask for.
Otto’s brother hates bread with “seeds” too…
And he has the ability to make it all better with ice cream/secret stashes of chocolate too…they come from good stock I tell ya! :)
Any man who understands the need for chocolate is a keeper!
My husband used to tell his friends he didn’t know what this “PMS-thing” they all complained about was because I didn’t really suffer from it (well, HE didn’t suffer from it, at least). Now he says that I not only have PMS, but also AMS and DMS. Haha. We’re all really looking forward to “the change” — not.
Good for Otto! It sounds like he’s adapted to parenthood and husbandhood in record time.
And I hope your week gets better.
Wow. I’m totally impressed. WTG, Otto!!!
I used to work with a guy who kept a chocolate stash in his desk – not for himself, but for all his female coworkers! Sadly, he was gay. Good thing you found Otto!
you have found yourself a prince among men!!! what a sweetheart!
Every woman needs an Otto.
I want a desk now with a drawer so I can hide some candy.
WTG Otto! What an awesome husband you have. He is so intuned with you, Monkey and Chickadee. You have a wonderful person as your husband and you deserve each other.
You deserve nothing less, Mir!
Now can you please send Otto over to give my darrrrrling husband some pointers? Thanks! ;)
What a good man you have there!
As for the important things that don’t seem to be working out, keep on praying and remember that His time isn’t always the same as our time.
In the old days women were crabby. Now they’re PMSing. Bossy thinks you can still own crabby without matching innards.
No hyst but I did go off the pill due to complications. Downside: wicked PMS. Upside: Horny.
Otto making dinner makes me hot! (see what I’m talkin’ about??)
You are SO allowed an off day/week/month…
Awww – so sweet! I can’t complain, though, my hubby did something equally sweet this past week to – men can be nice, when they want to!
How totally awesome for you. I sure could use a man like Otto.
Can Otto come over and teach my husband to cook? He’s from Atlanta and now we live in my hometown–Buffalo, NY. Quite the switch. They can talk about all the cool stuff down there in GA and Otto can teach him to cook chicken. Deal? I’ll send my 6yr old son to run around your pool and team up with Monkey against Chickadee as a bonus.
Are you sure Otto isn’t Yoda? I mean both have 4 letter names, both are super smart, both are worldly saavy, one wrote the book with all the answers, the other read it from beginning to end. (although Yoda would need a step stool in the kitchen to cook :-)
Now if Otto would just share that Crack chicken recipe, I can make my wife happier than she already is.
You ‘da man, Otto. You’re helping us husbands break that Caveman mold, one day at a time buddy!
So awesome! : D
At least you know the move and the hassle and trying to make new friends and finding your way around and looking for a doctor who cares (and is a real doctor) is all worth it. A great husband, a pool and a casino: what more could you ask for?
Your Otto sounds very much like my Mr.
Be careful… don’t eat all that chocolate in one sitting… You never know when he will replenish it. :-)
Hey! This isn’t Love Thursday! You and your dang marital bliss messing up my weekly schedule…
Is Otto an alien?
I want to say, ahh, the bliss of newlywed-hood, but MY newlywed days weren’t like that, so hooray for you! I am so many kinds of jealous.
I’m just trying to get past, “Today sucked giant, hairy donkey balls.” That’s a really bad day, Mir.
And good for Otto buy you peanut M&Ms! Sigh.
Put those Snickers in the freezer!!
There’s no doubt about it, you’ve had to deal with countless annoying things as a result of marrying, changing your name, and moving cross-country…. but even at your crankiest, you’ve gotta admit it is all worth it, to be able to live with a man who brings you chocolate without being asked.
Gotta love a man who understands the importance of chocolate. Way to go, Otto!
You are a lucky, lucky girl! Although here Hubby would have needed to bring Peanut Butter M and M’s. I hide them in my closet so that Mr. 17, Miss 14 (who has awful PMS by the way!) and Miss 9 can’t find them. I’m sneaky like that.
Oh! And wuv wiw fowwow you fowever….
Oh, and just ’cause I’m curious, the title of the post… a reference to The Princess Bride, correct?
Not only is Otto a gem, but you are prepared for any dementors who might slide through your neighborhood.
Damn those wonderful men who make it hard for us cranky bitches to get our snit on.
The gift of chocolate! It made me teary eyed. Does he say “As you wish” a lot?
I need a stash, methinks.
I needed Otto yesterday. Do you farm him out on occasion?
Pass those M&M’s.
Any man who understands the need for an emergency stash of chocolate is definitely a keeper… or an angel… or something. Just wow.
Mir, I think we were having the same day yesterday. I also can’t believe that I forgot about chocolate. How does one forget about the healing, soothing powers of chocolate? Never again, Chocolate, never again will I forget you…
Otto is a genius–a GENIUS, I tell you!
Yoda need a stepstool? Nonsense! He’ll use the Force to levitate to the countertops and get his work done!
And remember, the Force also comes in M&M Dark ;-)
I’m soooo glad that he didn’t try to do the “insist on making things better by *solving* your problems for you” thing that some guys do. Just let you have your time-out (with company!) and then try to soothe the raging beast. You’d think he actually learned something about women over the years!
Wow… he’s good.
Excellent use of “fit of pique.” That’s a phrase you don’t hear nearly enough these days.
Oh dear! I seem to have missed a few chapters. [that’s summer holidays for you]
Otto does realize he’s setting the bar quite high for himself, doesn’t he? Ah, well. Even if he doesn’t top this, you’ve got yourself one keeper there!
Otto, you are a brilliant man!
I’m having a hysterectomy next month. What do you mean I can’t use PMS anymore? Nobody better tell my husband. Otto he ain’t.
Otto rocks the universe! Can we clone him?
He sounds so much like my husband. I tell him that sometimes he makes me seem like a real selfish bitch in comparison, even though I’m generally pleasant to be around! But the way he goes above & beyond never ceases to amaze me.
I’m so glad you have Otto. :)
Here’s a new bit of hot pink bling for your blog to go with the chocolate. You’re a Rockin’ Girl Blogger.
You and I both seem to have found keepers.
Damn, you are one lucky girl…. my weekend consisted of my step son dumping my wine cooler onto the keyboard of my WEEK OLD laptop, and my husband instead of being sympathetic blamed it on me for leaving the drink next to it….
Mama Bear beat me to it, the title was bugging the crap out of me and on the third trip here to look at it again, it finally sunk in. The Princess Bride and the nutty priest! Hope tomorrow is better for you Mir!
May I just say, Otto rocks! But you already knew that, didn’t you? And Bob, you are a hoot!
P.S. Chocolate forever, y’all!
I’m convinced Otto was a woman in a former life – he knows what a woman needs! I’m going to declutter a drawer so I have a PLACE for my emergency stash! (Though, I’m not holding my breath for my husband to fill it :)
Leo is like that for me too. The past couple months have been brutal for me with schoolwork…writing papers, wrestling with linear & quadratic equations, blah, blah, blah. He’s made sure the 4 kids stay away while I’m working on it & cooks all the time. Think I’ll keep him too :)
Awwww… wedded bliss sure is turning out blissful for you.
You have indeed found the man of your dreams. Do you ever do the “Hey, you got chocolate in my peanutbutter!” think together?
Also, I think you should continue blaming mood swings on PMS just to f*ck with the medical establishment. Feel happy and well…I’ll miss you this weekend.
And it’s not even Love Thursday.
It’s the moon, silly! It must be waxing or waning or something like that, and chocolate is necessary to balance out the lunar whatnots. Didn’t you know? Like dementors? Otto knows, and I think you should send his mom, (or whoever was responsible for his upbringing) a huge bunch of flowers to thank them for his exemplary upbringing.
I am the only one who caught where the title came from? The Princess Bride is my FAVORITE movie! “Maaaawage! Mawage is what bwings us togevuh today…..” LOL
BTW, feel free to send Otto over here to Oregon when you’re tired of him.
I know I’m, ohhh, really late to the party and commenting on a month old post is so, I don’t know, lame? No, that’s not the right word, but you get where I’m going here. Anyway. I just couldn’t resist commenting that I think we’re married to the same man, except my Otto’s name is Sean. I’ll be damned if they don’t know how to ruin a good mean streak. Bless their hearts. ;)