I should not poke fun at people who come here via random internet searching. It’s not kind, and it probably only entertains me.
On the other hand, it does entertain me quite a bit, and I’m pretty much in charge, here.
(Also, nothing interesting happened today unless you want to count Chickadee and Monkey begging to watch a movie before bed, and me telling them the conditions under which that would happen, and them screwing around and taking too long to eat dinner and shower, and then when I informed Chickadee that she had wasted her time and there would be no movie, she went upstairs and told Monkey that HE took too long and so there would be no movie. And then Otto asked me at what point it is appropriate to intervene on Monkey’s behalf in the “psychological warfare” which Chickadee so often wages against him.)
So I checked the logs, and because I’m a giver, I’d like to further help the folks who came here seeking particular things.
I just got married how do I change my last name with credit card and other companies
You call them and ask. You’re welcome. (Bonus tip: Credit card companies will give you a card made out to anyone, if you ask. Just for fun, when ordering your new card, also ask for one made out to Mephistopheles. Chances are they will send it to you with no questions asked. And THAT should make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.)
what hair cut looks like me
If you look like a hair cut, I suggest you get off the internet and consult a doctor or at least a laser hair removal specialist.
can you freeze Ocean Spray craisins
I don’t know… are you capable of opening the freezer and putting the bag in there? Yes? Then I guess you can. (I like how they include the Ocean Spray brand, as if that’s a critical piece of the puzzle.)
Avocado in first trimester
Actually, in the first trimester, they’re more like lima beans or walnuts.
how to do bumpy ponytail
Chickadee is great at those; I’ll send her right over. Just gimme the address and she’s yours.
post nude husband
Do you need me to tell you what happens after the husband is nude? Because I’m thinking you already know. Also that my particular husband doesn’t really want me discussing that with the internet.
life cycle of first class letter mail in the usps
Well, it starts out as a larva, and later evolves into a pupa. After a long rest in a self-made “cocoon” or “mail center,” it turns into a full-grown bill.
a website like millsberry but if you get a car you can drive it
If you give me a car, I’ll make my site like millsberry (whatever that is). Let’s discuss the car you’d like to give me.
things that go boob
Has my son been at your house?
how many calories in an entire pie
None. If you’ve eaten the whole pie it was clearly an emergency, and in such a dire circumstance the calories are completely neutralized. Pinky swear.
how to prepare an artichooke
First you tell it that you’re going to misspell it, then you steam it and eat it with butter or a balsamic/mayo mixture.
could this be love that i feel
Does it itch and/or burn? Because if it does, I’m thinking it’s something else.
how to tell if my metatarsal is fractured
Definitely consult Dr. Google rather than going to the doctor for an xray. I’m thinking you’re probably just a hypochondriac, but maybe you should try jumping up and down. Does that hurt? Yes? Go see the damn doctor already.
bite me clip art
Is that like a leprechaun imperative, “Top o’ the morning! Come bite me clip art and stay away from me Lucky Charms!”?
moss colored 6 handled family credenza
Dude. It’s a moss COVERED, THREE-handled family credenza. Although your version may appear briefly in that children’s classic, Purple Egg Beaters and Morningstar Breakfast Strips.
why didn t my real xmas tree smell
Smell like WHAT? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.
how to handle responses to people who got injured on your property and you were not responsible
“Too bad, so sad. Now get off my lawn.”
do georgia houses have basements
Some of them do, but lots of them don’t. This is because most people down here like to store their extra belongings in the yard. (You think I’m kidding, but I keep seeing these and asking Otto if it’s the lack of basements that cause people to think that their recycling qualifies as art.)
pants for large women with NO HIPS
Can’t help you with that, although I could certainly spare you some hips if that would help.
monkey in a unitard
I promised him I wouldn’t post that picture until he’s ready to come out of the closet.
HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICY
I can see you feel strongly on this matter.
i m dating
Congratulations. Based upon your stunning verbal skills, I think I may have corresponded with you on eHarmony a while back.
making boobs with the keyboard
I prefer a good push-up bra, myself, but perhaps you’re seeing the guy from the previous search and he enjoys a woman with a lot of square edges.
how to abuse albuterol
Tell it that it’s fat and stupid and will never amount to anything.