Because I am a font of information

By Mir
July 19, 2007

I should not poke fun at people who come here via random internet searching. It’s not kind, and it probably only entertains me.

On the other hand, it does entertain me quite a bit, and I’m pretty much in charge, here.

(Also, nothing interesting happened today unless you want to count Chickadee and Monkey begging to watch a movie before bed, and me telling them the conditions under which that would happen, and them screwing around and taking too long to eat dinner and shower, and then when I informed Chickadee that she had wasted her time and there would be no movie, she went upstairs and told Monkey that HE took too long and so there would be no movie. And then Otto asked me at what point it is appropriate to intervene on Monkey’s behalf in the “psychological warfare” which Chickadee so often wages against him.)

So I checked the logs, and because I’m a giver, I’d like to further help the folks who came here seeking particular things.

I just got married how do I change my last name with credit card and other companies
You call them and ask. You’re welcome. (Bonus tip: Credit card companies will give you a card made out to anyone, if you ask. Just for fun, when ordering your new card, also ask for one made out to Mephistopheles. Chances are they will send it to you with no questions asked. And THAT should make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.)

what hair cut looks like me
If you look like a hair cut, I suggest you get off the internet and consult a doctor or at least a laser hair removal specialist.

can you freeze Ocean Spray craisins
I don’t know… are you capable of opening the freezer and putting the bag in there? Yes? Then I guess you can. (I like how they include the Ocean Spray brand, as if that’s a critical piece of the puzzle.)

Avocado in first trimester
Actually, in the first trimester, they’re more like lima beans or walnuts.

how to do bumpy ponytail
Chickadee is great at those; I’ll send her right over. Just gimme the address and she’s yours.

post nude husband
Do you need me to tell you what happens after the husband is nude? Because I’m thinking you already know. Also that my particular husband doesn’t really want me discussing that with the internet.

life cycle of first class letter mail in the usps
Well, it starts out as a larva, and later evolves into a pupa. After a long rest in a self-made “cocoon” or “mail center,” it turns into a full-grown bill.

a website like millsberry but if you get a car you can drive it
If you give me a car, I’ll make my site like millsberry (whatever that is). Let’s discuss the car you’d like to give me.

things that go boob
Has my son been at your house?

how many calories in an entire pie
None. If you’ve eaten the whole pie it was clearly an emergency, and in such a dire circumstance the calories are completely neutralized. Pinky swear.

how to prepare an artichooke
First you tell it that you’re going to misspell it, then you steam it and eat it with butter or a balsamic/mayo mixture.

could this be love that i feel
Does it itch and/or burn? Because if it does, I’m thinking it’s something else.

how to tell if my metatarsal is fractured
Definitely consult Dr. Google rather than going to the doctor for an xray. I’m thinking you’re probably just a hypochondriac, but maybe you should try jumping up and down. Does that hurt? Yes? Go see the damn doctor already.

bite me clip art
Is that like a leprechaun imperative, “Top o’ the morning! Come bite me clip art and stay away from me Lucky Charms!”?

moss colored 6 handled family credenza
Dude. It’s a moss COVERED, THREE-handled family credenza. Although your version may appear briefly in that children’s classic, Purple Egg Beaters and Morningstar Breakfast Strips.

why didn t my real xmas tree smell
Smell like WHAT? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

how to handle responses to people who got injured on your property and you were not responsible
“Too bad, so sad. Now get off my lawn.”

do georgia houses have basements
Some of them do, but lots of them don’t. This is because most people down here like to store their extra belongings in the yard. (You think I’m kidding, but I keep seeing these and asking Otto if it’s the lack of basements that cause people to think that their recycling qualifies as art.)

pants for large women with NO HIPS
Can’t help you with that, although I could certainly spare you some hips if that would help.

monkey in a unitard
I promised him I wouldn’t post that picture until he’s ready to come out of the closet.

I can see you feel strongly on this matter.

i m dating
Congratulations. Based upon your stunning verbal skills, I think I may have corresponded with you on eHarmony a while back.

making boobs with the keyboard
I prefer a good push-up bra, myself, but perhaps you’re seeing the guy from the previous search and he enjoys a woman with a lot of square edges.

how to abuse albuterol
Tell it that it’s fat and stupid and will never amount to anything.


  1. Cindi B

    Oh my gosh, I’m laughing out loud at your answers to the queries. This made my day!

  2. Sara

    Oh I love–luurrve–when you do these posts! I am actually considering doing the first one (after I’ve had some wine, natch) to see if they would actually do it. Oh how very Jr. High of me…
    And “things that go boob” and the leprechaun imperative? My absolute favorites. Thanks for launching me into Friday with a laugh.

  3. Rachel May

    LOL!!!! How do you find these? I would LOVE to do this on my blog!

  4. Susan

    Oh god I love it when you do that. Off to Google “things that go boob.”

  5. Chris

    I’m still laughing and may be until tomorrow. Gosh, you are too funny. Where do you come up with this stuff, Oh nevermind, it will be too funny and yes, I am still laughing.

  6. meghann

    Totally lol. Although the nerd in me wants to point out that metatarsals are in your feet and thus would not affect typing. ;)

  7. Fran

    Oh my – this born and bred New England girl just wet herself… I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes! Snort..;-D

  8. tuney

    My favorite, simply because your answer is TRUE: “how many calories in an entire pie?” Testament to its’ veracity is the fact that I have the answer to this string: “pants for large women with NO HIPS.”

    Boy, oh, boy. Maybe that’s why the latest searcher came to my place by looking for “squee squee oink oink.”

    Typecasting, I tell ya.

  9. Heather

    Hehehe! I love it when you do these things, for sure! You’re so witty and pritty :-)

  10. JustEnjoyHim/Judy

    New career for ya:

    A column called “She’s Heloise and I’m Not”


    “They’re Heloise and Dear Abby and I’m Not” — OK, maybe the tag-line is too long, but something like that. Part advice column (done the non-Dear Abby way), part cleaning/crafts column (done the non-Heloise way).

    Or you can just go for broke:

    “Heloise and Dear Abby Suck”

    Something like that. Because these are friggin hilarious and really, much much more helpful, I think.

  11. mimi/pz5wjj

    LMAO! Too funny!

  12. Pam

    “why didn t my real xmas tree smell”

    Duh – because it doesn’t have a nose!

  13. sognatrice

    I love these posts–never ceases to amaze me what people are looking for and actually think I have the answer to.

    Seriously though, is the bumpy ponytail like a dance or Kama Sutra or something? Because I’ve spent my life trying not to make one of those with my hair. Boh.

  14. Judy.

    I’ve thought about doing these, but my google search hits are all for real exciting things like “my friend judy thomas”… obviously, I’m doing something wrong in the blogging world.

  15. Megan

    I can help you with one of those – “bite me, clip art” is definitely posted by a graphic designer. Trust me. Fifth time a client tells you they found some soooper FREE!!! clip art and could they have it on their website please, preferably with some blinking text? Yah. Bite me, clip art.

  16. Jenni-nifr

    Between “things that go boob” and “monkey in a unitard” I have made a spectacle of myself in my office now!!! Thank goodness that there are only a couple of people here and once I told them why I was laughing, they cracked up themselves!!! Too funny! Really…my sides hurt. Thanks for the awesome start to Friday!

  17. Delton

    These were great. You really should put a disclaimer at the top though that says “If you’re at work, you may want to consider coming back another time to read so that you don’t make an ass out of yourself trying to stifle your laughter.”

  18. Aimee

    LOL! I love the google search days. Thanks for the laugh! And kudos on a succinct and correct answer to the question about pie.

  19. ScottsdaleGirl

    And now that insipid “Things that make you go HMMM” song is swirling devilishly around in my head!!!!!!!

  20. shining

    ROFL Thanks for the Friday pick me up.

  21. Katrina Stonoff

    “how to abuse albuterol: Tell it that it’s fat and stupid and will never amount to anything.”

    ROFL! This is best Weird Google Searches post ever.

  22. Cele

    I’m not sure which disturbs me most. that you get these suck as questions, or that people buy bottle trees for their front yards. FOR $25 BUCKS. I mean really.

  23. Cody

    >how to tell if my metatarsal is fractured
    >Definitely consult Dr. Google rather than going to the doctor for >an xray. I’m thinking you’re probably just a hypochondriac, but >maybe you should try jumping up and down. Does that hurt? Yes? Go >see the damn doctor already.

    I worked for a Podiatrist. Don’t bother going to the doctor. They don’t do anything for a broken toe (unless, of course, it is totally SHATTERED, in which case they probably do SOMETHING although I have no idea what it is).

  24. Valbee

    I was reading these out loud to my co-workers. You have us ALL rolling! :)

  25. Sarah

    Okay that was pretty much the funniest thing evah! Thanks for the squeaky giggles I get when I’m laughing really hard and trying to be quiet! :)

  26. Leandra

    Thank you so much for the pick me up. I’m having a really, really rough day and that was the perfect antidote. I especially love the “bite me clip art” and the “avocados in the first trimester”. I’m new to this blog but I hope this is a regular feature.

  27. bec 37

    Actually, it’s “gredunza,” not credenza. A credenza is a real honest-to-goodness piece of furniture you might have in your house, whereas you would only have a “gredunza” if you were a 2-dimensional, 6-foot cat, or were acquainted with one.

    Aren’t you glad your eHarmony days are long over??

    bec :D

  28. Sheila


  29. Jessica G.

    Stop making me laugh outloud! The kids are asleep and this could get me in trouble…don’t want to have to explain to sleep-befuddled preschooler why mommy is on the computer at this hour.

  30. carrien

    I can’t stop snickering, maybe because it’s 2am and my kitchen floor is clean. These are so funny.

  31. slackermommy

    Those are too funny! Mine are never that interesting although some are disturbing.

  32. Jenifer

    Girl you are too stinkin funny!

    Really, love it. I gotta try it sometime!

  33. Kim

    Delurking to say, this is the funniest post I have read in awhile! I don’t even know how to FIND who found me through google searches…that’s what a techno-dork I am!

  34. stephanie

    Wandered over here from a link on someone else’s blog. Too funny! I’ve had a couple of funny search strings register on my stat counter but never thought to answer them.

  35. Jordan Sadler

    Oh, dear God, that was funny in the extreme! I haven’t laughed so hard at a post in a LONG time. I came here via a few hundred other bloggers who link to you – totally worth it. I’ll be back! Thanks for the great laugh.

  36. Shalee

    Oh. My. Lands. Why don’t I ever get cool searches like that?!

    Then best I’ve gotten is “Irish for idiot”. And the search directed them to me. Hmph.

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