Paint on my fingers, eels on my toes

By Mir
March 8, 2007

I’m trying to get motivated to get my house ready to show. In a fit of misplaced optimism I emailed the folks with whom we have the contingent contract. Because maybe they sold their house and just forgot to tell me! And they would open my email and smack their foreheads and immediately mail back, “Mir! No, don’t worry about cleaning your house! We’re all set!”

Instead, I got back some mail that not only spoke of their frustration in still not having sold their house, it said something about how this is a “very unfortunate situation for all involved” and I had to go back and reread to make sure that no one had died. (I concluded that no one had, but that my buyers may be even more melodramatic than I am.)

So, it looks like I have to finish painting and, um, burn everything we own.

In the meantime, I’ve started getting serious about figuring out the wedding stuff. Otto and I did a bunch of planning while we were down there, and things are definitely underway.

Like, um, we’ve almost set a date. If only I could remember to call my pastor and ask him if he’s free then, we’d be all set.

And, I bought a dress. Which I already told you about, and then you all left a zillion comments because when I write about gut-wrenching issues with my children, a few people offer their input, but when I mention I need guidance on my cleavage, you are ALL there for me. It brings a little tear to my eye, truly.

After taking all of your excellent advice into account, I went ahead and ordered one of these. We’ll see how it is. But I couldn’t stomach the idea of putting sticky things on my boobs on purpose, and the design of the dress is such that sewn-in cups didn’t seem quite right, so we’ll see how this is. If it doesn’t work, at least I’ll have an interesting story to tell about that time I bought the funny Australian bra.

And then I had to find shoes to go with my dress, and I forced Chris to the dark side with me, which kicked off a shoe-buying frenzy of heretofore unknown heights. So my wedding shoes are en route (these, if you must peek, though I’ll have you know that with my mad cheapskate skillz—see how I used a z there, to make myself look cooler?—I paid $16 shipped for them), but somehow while all of that was happening I may have bought a couple other pairs of shoes.

Okay, FINE. I may have bought four other pairs of shoes. But who’s counting? (And one of them is going back. But they others are too cute and so cheap, so they stay.)

Today I very much wanted to wear one of my new pairs of shoes, and it seemed as though my new eel skin loafers ($9! genuflect, peasants!) would best match my highly original outfit of a sweater and jeans. I put them on and they just made the outfit; so sleek! So shiny! (You KNOW how I like shiny things, after all.) I stepped off the carpet in my bedroom onto the tile in my bathroom and my foot sailed across the floor as if I’d just landed on an air hockey table. I then halted my imminent crash to the floor by grabbing on to the sink for dear life, coming to a halt in a cross between a crouch and a split (ow). Crisis averted!

[Pop quiz time! Which of the following items is the saddest?
1) That I wore the shoes anyway, even after discovering that the soles were verrrrry slippery.
2) That I wore the shoes despite the fact that it was 7 degrees outside and you can’t wear SOCKS with eel skin loafers, so hello, my ankles now have frostbite.
3) That I bought shoes made from sea creatures.
4) That Otto told me “bring ’em over here and I’ll hook you up with some batteries, then you’ll have electric eels!”]

I also had an interesting little episode at the bank today, wherein a sweet young teller who appeared to be about 14 was so perplexed by my attempt to both deposit some checks and withdraw some cash, I ended up feeling guilty for having bothered her. It didn’t help that I was in the drive-through lane and she was talking to me through a tinny sound system and Monkey was behind me in the car yammering non-stop. For a fleeting moment I wondered what made me think I could figure out either selling my house or planning a wedding, when I couldn’t seem to just get my stinkin’ $40 at the bank without filling out paperwork in triplicate.

So. This weekend! Finish painting! Tidy up the house! Order Otto’s wedding ring! I’m thinking of having it engraved with “You’re the best shiny thing of all.” Well, that or “Dude, guess what I’m wearing under my dress.”


  1. Jenn

    I tried to transfer money between our bank accounts at a branch of our bank last year and I thought that the teller’s head was going to explode. She just couldn’t seem to grasp that I wanted to save some of my paycheck. I haven’t been back to that particular branch since then.

    I very rarely, if ever, comment on gut-wrenching issues with children because they are not my kids (I don’t even HAVE kids, that rules out any advice I could give right there) but boobs? I have boobs! I’ll talk about boobs! Bring it on!

  2. jenn2

    A lot of very bad words. Why couldn’t I find the U bra 5 years ago and save myself the agony of embarrassment that is shopping and PURCHASING at good ol’ F of H?????

  3. Krisco

    Um – HOW, HOW??? How did you get those awesome shoes so cheap? I’ve perused your shopping site Missy, and NOTHING! The secret is NOT THERE.

    (And could I use caps more?)

    They’re awesome shoes, nice choice. I’m psyched for you. If you have the shoes, you are ready to go . . . !

  4. Meghann

    Electric eel shoes. Otto is the awesome.

  5. Kendra

    Nice bra–your tits are going to look amazing :)

  6. Sara

    You should absolutely have Otto’s ring engraved with the first one. Save the other for when you are walking down the aisle after just having been pronounced “Man and Wife”. You know, you can just grin and tilt your head over as if you are going to whisper a sweet nothing and then make his head swim…
    Oh, and–KILLER SHOES!

  7. Mom2One

    I vote:

    3) That I bought shoes made from sea creatures.

    Because you know, wearing shoes made from sea creatures just sort of cries out: frostbite and electric eel jokes. I’m just sayin’.

  8. Brown Eyed Girl

    Nice shoes!

    As for the eel pop quiz…can you tell I didn’t study? Saddest would probably be 1) but funniest….definitely 4)

    Otto is the best shiny thing of all!

  9. D

    my husbands ring is engraved with: “…to love, honor, and annoy”

    How ’bout that?

  10. David

    Answer: 5, though it was mysteriously unlisted: No home video footage of the bathroom skating session.

    Lovely rose heels, tasteful and elegant. I heartily approve. You will check them though, before you make your pass down the aisle, to make sure they’re not “skatables”?

    Definitely the “Dude” inscription.

    P.S. I knew I shoulda made a comment about pasties yesterday. Tassles are in this year, right?

  11. Summer

    I’m too lazy to look up the Australian dollar to US dollar exchange rate, but still feeling very curious as to whether you spent more on your bridal underpinnings than you did on the dress. (I did. I spent quite a bit more on underpinnings than I did on the dress, but that’s partly because all I had to buy for the dress was a few yards of expensive fabric — a slave, I mean loving family member, sewed it for me — and partly because I had a lot to underpin, and had to go to a specialty “corset shop” and be fitted by a henna-haired expert who loudly joked in Russian to her colleagues about my lopsided tits. And they said my high school language training would never come in handy.)

    Gorgeous shoes. If you ever want to do some online chat/shoe shopping with me, I’m summersblog at gmail. Seriously. Maybe you should even rent out your services as a native guide to the wildernext-of online shoe stores.

  12. Melisa

    Dude! Eely Heelys!

  13. Heather

    I bought 4 pair and went back for 2 more!!! And I am sooooooo wanting to wear them to church on Sunday (nevermind they’re summer pumps and it’s like 7 degrees outside here too). And I made sure to get my DD very excited about the shoes too.

    And I double dog dare you to engrave the best shiny thing ever on Otto’s ring!

  14. Dawn

    Well, here’s the thing: I don’t have kids, so I can’t really offer any constructive input there. I do, however, have cleavage. I just help where I can, yo.

  15. shannon

    slippery shoes? if they have leather soles, take them to a shoe repair shop and have them put “power soles” on them…thin rubber soles…that will save them and let them live for a longer time. also, they make them not slip.

    i LOVE electric eel!

  16. Otto

    Somehow, I suspect the actual engraving will be along the lines of, “About freaking time.”

  17. tammy

    Yes, but are they high eels?

    (ba dum bum)

  18. TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre

    I vote for the “Dude, guess what I’m wearing” comment.

    I don’t have anything witty to suggest as an alternative. But there is a FAB-u-lous poem about my stomach at my blog site. You know, as a consolation.

    Have a great painting weekend!

  19. Liise

    You just have to go out to asphalt or rough concrete and ROUGH EM UP! I do this with every new pair o shoes. Helps to defray the splits…which yes, OW!

    I am soooo buying one of those bras!!!!! Although my ta-ta’s will never look like THAT in it.

  20. Brigitte

    I’d be afraid of falling down in those heels (hope I didn’t put the bad-luck-cooties on you, there). Even though I’m short, I went with little kitten heels on my wedding shoes (I think that’s what they’re called, anyway).

    We all have feet, butts and boobs, so we can offer many opinions there. But when it comes to the gut-wrenching stuff, I often have nothing better to contribute than “oooh, bummer”. So many folks have usually already said that, that I usually leave well enough alone.

  21. Susan

    I’m going to ignore the kids AND the boobs AND the shoes and say this: I looked at a house yesterday where the THREE dining room tables were all set, with full outlays of china and silver. Oh, and there were PINE CONES in the soup bowls on the kitchen table.

    That’s totally what you’re planning to do, right?

  22. rachel

    why no link to the pic of the eel shoes? I think the frostbite is saddest, but then I can’t feel my feet in the cold, so it would be Bad for me.

    I’m laughing from the comments, though.

    You know that you can put cranberries in a vase with the water (and the flowers), and it looks all fancy for very cheap. I vote for that over the pine cones. Lillian Vernon had plastic sushi (allegedly for kids) on sale for $4 – you could put that on the plates!

  23. ishouldbeworking

    My vote for saddest – #2. Wearing the shoes despite them being slippery is understandable. But, wearing them when it is 7 degrees out???? You know, frostbitten toes and ankles won’t look so pretty in the fabulous wedding shoes. Also? Otto’s electric eel comment…hilarious!

  24. Shalee

    Otto is a keeper.

    And as for the quiz? All of the above.

    But you get bonus points for the mad cheapskate skillz.

  25. Daisy

    “Power Soles?” I’ve always gone the cheap route with slippery shoes; walk on gravel. Dirty parking lots work, too. Sandpaper would do the same thing, I suppose.

  26. Fairly Odd Mother

    At least your eel shoes would be waterproof, no?

    Be happy you NEED a bra for your wedding. I went bra-less and no one was the wiser. Sigh.

  27. shannon

    i work in a shoe store that has a repair shop. :) i swear, i’m not a shoe nerd!!! :)

    not only will the power soles save you from doing the splits AND will prolong the life of the shoes.

    really, not a shoe nerd at all!

  28. Meramoo

    duct tape on the soles? I read that somewhere, might be worth a try.

  29. CCE

    As for inscriptions, I vote for the latter. Though Otto does sound like the best shiny thing of all, he might like the lack of undergarments comment better. And, if he’s like my husband, he’ll lose his wedding ring before your first anniversary and so you can have the shiny comment inscribed in the second ring!
    It’s a two-fer.

  30. Megan

    How sad that I’m only pushed from lurker to commenter by a reference to “bells on their fingers, rings on their toes.” Probably even sadder that now I’m not sure if you’re A. referencing the nursery rhyme (which just now occurred to me) or B. Talking about the book title inspired by above, which was my first though. But oh damn is that an obscure book title reference!

  31. Megan

    erm… make that rings on their fingers, bells on their toes please. It’s the weekend.

  32. LadyBug Crossing

    Hey Mir –
    I certainly hope you didn’t pull something when you were doing splits in the bathroom… Good gracious, Woman!! Be careful!

    I like the shiny comment for the ring. My Mr’s ring doesn’t have an inscription… we were too poor for that! Mr. said you should put “I own you”… LOL!! He’s just kidding!!


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