Dear Mr. and Mrs. Barba:
You must’ve been so very proud when your daughter Antonella was selected to be on season 6 of American
Sellout Idol. Let’s face it; she’s beautiful, she’s a pretty good singer, and now all the eyes of America are on her. How could you help but feel anything but pride?
Even when she made the incredibly vacuous comment, upon hearing that she’d made the latest cut, that it was because “God loves good people” (that’s funny, I didn’t notice her taking a break to serve some Meals on Wheels, but maybe that part ended up on the cutting room floor), I’m sure you stood right behind her, tearfully telling anyone who would listen, “That’s my girl!”
Are you claiming her quite so proudly, now?
Look; all parents do the best they can, and I’m not blaming you for your daughter’s stupidity. Nor will I link to the pictures that surfaced this week. I’m sure you’ve seen them. I’m sure they’ve left you wondering where you went wrong and what will become of Antonella’s career, now. Maybe you did everything right with her. Maybe you couldn’t done some things differently. I wasn’t there and I don’t know.
In the wake of this embarrassment, I think you might consider turning a tragedy into a teaching experience. Rather than worrying that the entire world is pointing and talking, grab the bull by the horns. Don’t you want to protect other parents and children from this sort of tragedy? Of course you do! I propose that you head out around the country on a speaking tour. Help save others by being proactive.
I’d like to propose a lecture outline for you, in fact. This way you can just take it and go, and perhaps save thousands of others from the heartbreak you must now be feeling. Perhaps the talk can be titled, oh, I don’t know… how about How Not to be a Skank.
1) No one looks sexy during sex. This section should focus on the harsh reality that everyone looks stupid during coitus except to the person they’re with or people who are addicted to porn. This leads into section 2.
2) Never allow yourself to be photographed during sex. See section 1; the first reason is that YOU LOOK STUPID. The second reason is that no matter how much he loves you right now, baybee, some day he might not. Or someone might offer him a lot of money for those shots. Or maybe he’s just a dickhead. Who knows. Why take the chance? Especially because…
3) In the digital age, pictures are forever. While it’s stupidity to be photographed EVER, at least thirty years ago our budding starlets could destroy the evidence if they wanted/needed to. Nowadays, someone snaps a digital pic of you and you will NEVER get it back. And then maybe you become semi-famous and SURPRISE! Here you are in flagrante delicto all over America!
4) Never trust a man who shaves his pubes. Let’s face it—a man with superior grooming habits to his girlfriend’s is not to be trusted from the get-go. Had Antonella heeded this early warning, she might not be where she is today. And where she is today is all over America giving head to a freakishly well-groomed guy who photographed it and put it on the web. KLASSY!
5) Seriously, DO NOT BE PHOTOGRAPHED. For those with short attention spans, this merits repeating at the end of the lecture. If there is only one take-away from your message, this should be it. Tell today’s parents that it’s no longer enough to talk about preventing STDs and pregnancy. You need to tell your kids that they should never, ever be photographed in compromising situations.
I wish you the best of luck on the tour. It may be too late to save Antonella, but if you can save just one other not very bright young woman, won’t that help ease your pain? I think it will. Healing begins by reaching out to others. Let the world learn from this unfortunate turn of events.