Littlest pet shop of horrors

Today the children and I stayed in the house and watched a lot of television. Eventually we took a break to drive very slowly around all of the trees which had grown weary of the ice and sagged downward, laying across the road. We’re so sorry, the trees seemed to say. We’re just tired, and stretching out, and we’ll stand up in a minute. Pardon us!

There was no pardoning them, however, as the Department of Public Works was hacking them up when we returned from buying bread and milk and baby carrots. I’d wanted to take some pictures, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

I thought that nothing could be worse than an (almost) entire day of Pokemon and Full House DVDs, but I was wrong. Chickadee had brought home her latest prized possessions from her dad’s house.

And so it was, on this icy day, that I was introduced to the Littlest Pet Shop.

No, there’s nothing wrong with them, really. I mean, nothing I can definitively put my finger on. They do not wear leather bodices or fuck-me pumps. They don’t spout phrases about how math is hard. They are not violent or otherwise espousing questionable values. They’re just… well….

They creep me out. They just DO. They’re… so CUTE. And yet, not. Some of them really are sort of cute. But most of them tip the scales into the grotesque, where their eyes are just a little too big and the bodies are just a little too small and some of the accessories are just WEIRD.

You can get a duck that comes with a shower cap. Because ducks, they don’t like to mess up their hair. But don’t worry! If she DOES mess up her hair? There’s another duck with a headful of pink curlers.

Also? Most of them are bobbleheads. Teeny, tiny, freaky bobbleheads.

Chickadee kept bringing them over to my desk, one by one, setting them down directly in front of me, and then giving just the barest little *flick* with her finger to set their ginormous noggins bobbing.

It took every ounce of my will not to scream.

Do you know these critters? Let me explain.

Awwwww, wookit da wittle monkeys. Aren’t they cute? There’s a girl, see, and you can tell because she has a big-ass bow as big as her head. And then there’s the boy, see, because he has, um, well, no bow. And they have that there stand thing to, um, stand on. Because that’s what monkeys like to do. They stand. And stare are you with their huge orphan eyes. Without blinking. While the steady wobble of their heads drives you slowly insane. And isn’t that what you’d always hoped for, when it comes to a pet?

And here we have a cat and a fish. The cat is actually slightly less creepy and weird than most of the other pets. The fish, on the other hand… well, I like to call this fish Nemo On A Stick. Chickadee does not appreciate this, by the way. Being as how little Nemo there doesn’t have a separate head from his body, he can’t quite bobble like the others, right? Wrong. He bobbles on his bowl-stick. Which is sort of dirty, in my opinion.

Who doesn’t love puppies? Communists, that’s who. Look at these little guys. So adorable. And look! They come with newspaper and a fire hydrant. Because the dominant feature of dogs is their need to pee on stereotypical objects. I was actually surprised that this set doesn’t also come with patented Littlest Dog Poop. That bobbles.

I think this is supposed to be a chick, as in, a baby chicken. Check out the safety goggles! I think he/she may be on his way to the Littlest Welding Shop. But my Chickadee assures me that this is a chickadee, wearing glasses, just like her. I tried to tell her that her head is much smaller and less disturbing, but she didn’t want to hear it. Maybe because her glasses are not neon orange? I’m not sure. At least the weight of the spectacles minimizes the range of motion of its head.

First of all, I’m extremely skeptical of what sort of foodstuff is in that dish. The package claims carrots, but I’m not buying it. Second, this is the most sinister-looking turtle I’ve ever seen, somehow, despite the fact that I fully expect it to start farting out cartoon hearts at any moment. And that is just WRONG.

I cannot wait for these tiny abominations to go back from whence they came, lest they bobble their way into my ear canals while I’m sleeping and nibble on my cerebral cortex.


  1. Mom

    That is clearly Tweetybird in a particularly sinister incarnation. Looks like he/she wants to find and kill any old puddy-tat. Come to think of it, most of these critters look like they have ill intentions, belied only by their oversized eyes. I vote for sending them back to Daddy’s house, ASAP. Save yourself…!

  2. Zee

    That turtle’s nose (err, do turtles have noses?) is about 3 times the size of its shell. It could wrap its whole little body, PLUS the shell, into its nostril and tuck its tiniest little tail behind its big bulbous eye. Ew.

    I’d not heard of these things but they are, as you say, very disturbing… :-S (Is it me, or does that little black dog look like a Pokemon?)

  3. Laura

    Could be worse, as you say. She could’ve come home with a gaggle of Bratz dolls.

  4. Muirnait

    Those are very creepy. I don’t think I want children anymore.

  5. Jennifer

    Delurking after delurking week, but the little pets are cute AND gross – weird!

  6. Mom2One

    Here’s what disturbs me. People think up these things. And market them. And then people buy them. Because they love them.

    It’s just all so very wrong. So very very wrong.

    And yet, people are making oodles of money out of stuff like this and the ever-more-disturbing Bratz dolls which look like nothing of this planet.

    I don’t get it.

    It’s all a sick, twisted plot.

    To get our children to turn against us.

    As if they haven’t already.

  7. Karen Rani

    Those ARE very creepy. I don’t think I want children anymore either.

  8. Barb

    We have a gender-free approach to toys in my house. AKA we don’t identify “girl toys” and “boy toys”. Soo… 5 yr old son, A., has a sizeable collection of those little beasts. And the pet shop. And some other backgroud pieces. And he campaigned for (but didn’t get) the hospital for either Christmas or his birthday. Chances are one or the other grandmother will magically produce it as a “just because” gift between now and mid-summer.

    Ok, they are a tiny bit creepy – although I never considered them climbing into my ear and nibbling on my brain! – but I’d still rather he play with those than the ginormous collection of army guys and bionicles he inherited from his older cousins. At least his little pet shop games are full of helping one another and doing good things for animals instead of killing each other in increasingly horrible ways. And frankly if my choices are litte pet shop or pokemon, the freaky big headed bobble animals win every time!

  9. Meritt

    Although the monkies are creepy, I think the fish and the little chick are rather cute! :)

  10. Sara

    My older daughter has not brought this latest abomination home. I pray that these creatures will return to the netherworld before my youngest can get wind of them. We don’t need any cortex nibbling pets around here–I have no cortex to spare!
    And oh, yes. Making these pets bobble heads? Evil genius.

  11. Kimberly

    Frankly, I’m more creeped out and sympathetic about the Full House DVDs. Not that we don’t have a fairly healthy Olsen library, but at least it’s not Full House.

    Diva Girl isn’t into these (yet). I’m sure it’s only a matter of time though.

  12. angelfeet

    Bobble heads? Easier to break off – oops!

  13. tori

    But do you have the Biggest Littlest Pet Shop? My daughter got it for her birthday and loves it. I don’t get it. She says she’s too old for doll houses, but somehow this is ok with her. It’s a doll house. For pets. I swear I will never understand kids today (and now I sound a hundred years old)

  14. Bahrageous

    My niece is obsessed with these things. She must have eleventy-thousand of the little bobbling things, all of their accessories, and all of their little play set thingies. We all buy as many as she can stuff in her toy box if it will keep those trampy Bratz out of her hands.

  15. Jenn

    I can’t stop laughing at the Littlest Welding Shop. Does Chickadee have any Bratz dolls? Those things are truly horrifying. I’m hoping that by the time I have kids, they will somehow have disappeared off the face of the Earth.

    Also? The turtle looks sort of like the Littlest Snapping Turtle.

  16. Mir

    Jenn: Chickadee can have a Bratz doll when I’m dead. Although I plan to stay alive just to keep those whores out of my house. ;)

  17. Katie

    The nuttiest thing is that I was fixing the door on my daughter’s Littlest Pet Shop Playhouse (Christmas gift from Grandma) when I clicked on your website. The hamster (gerbil? guinea pig?) freaks me out and it’s her favorite animal of them all. Blech!

  18. Sophie

    Something ELSE to protect my daughter from — sheesh. You crack me up! Hey, at least your internet connection works during an ice storm.

  19. Ei

    Oh, I’m so glad I have boys. Shudder.

  20. Aimee

    AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! That turtle is a FREAK. I can’t like it.

  21. Melisa

    My 5 y.o. has, it seems, the whole LPS town: the restaurant, the hospital, the salon and the ginormous playground, plus a whole congregation of pets. She loves them, and it’s a good Barbie diversion. BTW: have you seen the Barbie dog that you feed some mysterious looking food, which it then POOPS OUT OF ITS BUTT, and then you’re supposed to FEED it to the dog again for it to continue the poop/feed cycle? Now that’s creepy.

  22. audrey

    Littlest Pet Shop. I had some of those when I was younger. Although I like to think the ones I had then (early 90’s) were much cuter than these new things. That turtle is just freaky.

    Also, Bratz dolls? I also hope that those things are long gone by the time I have kids. They creep me out.

  23. Zuska

    Had to laugh at “littlest welding shop” – that’ll probably be out soon! We have no fewer that a bazillion Littlest Pets, and their various houses, stores and condos, all around our house. Don’t tell anybody, because he’d die of embarassment, but even MegaBoy owns several (but insists all of his are BOYS!!!). And CurlyGirl pointed out to me that the LPSs with eyelashes are girls and those without are boys – and I think she is right! I’ve noticed that other toys that can be gender neutral at first glance tend to put eyelashes on some to indicate “girliness”.

    What is also scary to me is that CurlyGirl knows EXACTLY which LPSs came with which accoutrement. Of course, she could be bluffing since, really, how the hell do I know which of them should have glasses or scarves or mittens?

  24. D

    creepy? maybe. but my secret? I big pink puffy heart these things. I love that they magnetically stick to things and I find them on my fridge, the ashtray (change holder) in my car, side of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom… love ’em. they are so cute… my daughter sticks them all over the place and I giggle when I come across one. sorry!

  25. JayMonster

    We got some sort of small set of these evil toys.

    Fortunately (for me), their awful storage got them relegated to a plastic bag, which just “accidentally” got combined with the donation toys bag.

    Sure I had to go by a replacement toy to “make up” for my “accident” but it wasn’t another Littlest Pet Shop :)

  26. Mrs. Schmitty

    AREN’T they creepy? Yes, I do also believe that Nemo on a stick was invented by someone with their mind in the gutter. I won’t buy these for my kids, they freak me out, kinda like trolls.

  27. Crisanne

    I say at age 8 it could be much worse. I was glad to hear my 8 yr old neice still likes them. Much nicer than Bratz as stated above. I’ve told my daughter (5) that if anyone gives her a Bratz toy it will NOT stay in my house!! But LPS I can deal with.

  28. Kimberly

    I’m with Mir on the Bratz. Except that i will also haunt anyone from the grave who even thinks of defiling The Ladies’ toybox with those little Barbie whores.

    Oh, and D, I feel that way about My Little Ponies. We had one living on the frigde for about a month, just because I thought it was funny.

  29. Heidi

    Yes, the LPS. My 5 year old has the whole she-bang. She just got the Biggest Littlest Pet Shop, even though it’s almost identical to the original pet shop. I don’t think she knows about the hospital and such, let’s keep it that way, if only just to save my checking account. You know how those things come with a pamphlet that shows other accesories and such? Well, MagPie actually keeps them and takes inventory of which ones she has andadamantly points out to me which ones she NEEDS.

    But they are definately better than the alternatives that are out there. Bratz are just plain wrong! I find it disturbing that they’re supposed to be 2nd graders, talking about boyfriends and dressing like hookers. Nightmarish.

  30. Liise

    Agreed the turtle looks nefarious, but the chick is adorable despite the Borat resemblance.

  31. elswhere

    omg Mermaid Girl is OBSESSED with those things. (I just wrote a whole rambling post in which PetShops feature prominently, in fact.) I have this whole theory about how Hasbro developed them– they thought about how popular Bratz are, and then just transferred some of the transferrable Bratz features to animals, so parents wouldn’t have to deal with the oogy sexual connotations.

    Anyway, MG keeps the pamphlets too, and pores over them raptly. She claims to know a kid at school who has 100 of them, though since the whole line seemingly just appeared out of nowhere a few months ago, I don’t know how that kid managed to accumulate so many so fast.

  32. mama t.

    Bratz and MyScene dolls are banned at our house, so we must suffer through my step-daughter’s LPS collection. It could be worse, at her mom’s house, she has 35, yes 35, Barbie dolls. We refused to buy her anymore after she got up to 15 at our house.

  33. Daisy

    Nemo on a stick? OMG, that’s just disgusting. And hilarious. Farting pink hearts? Be glad she didn’t bring home a jar of Flarp.

  34. Randi

    The Littlest Pet Shop..there needs to be a horror movie made with those guys in it…starring the Bratz dolls! They’re horrible! My 2 year old was asking for a Bratz doll the other day. N.O.!

  35. Susan

    What I find disturbing is that we’ve had these creepy things in my house for months and I never once gave them a second look or thought.

  36. wordgirl

    Thankfully, my kids are too old for those things. They remind me of those awful paintings from the ’60s where the kids had those enormous eyes. Those enormous, creepy eyes.

  37. Warrior Knitter

    The monkeys remind me of the troll dolls we had as kids. I think the chick with the goggles is hilarious. But the rest of them (the monkeys / trolls included) with those over-sized eyes look like Precious Moments escapees / rejects.

  38. Leslie

    Ew. Just ew. What the hell has happened to kids’ toys nowadays? I’m totally creeped out just looking at those things. I’m going to make my children (when I have any) play with a damn stick. And maybe a rock.

  39. Cele

    Can I have the Fuck me pumps? ;)

    We didn’t get to see the ducks. And the little chickie is wearing glasses because the sky is falling. duh! and yeah that is the mutant ninja turtle that was turned away because he was just to friggin’ evil looking.

    Now about those pumps.

  40. IWantToBeLikeMir

    And here I thought we were seeing the new proto-types for the new Monkey and Chickadee posable figures….I have also taken the hard stand on the dreaded skankie Bratz dolls…went so far as to throw one away after repeated telling my ex-inlaws that I do not allow them in my house.

    As for the Pets…well this is one of the reasons that the movie WinnDixie will never be played in my house too…that dog’s wierd smile just FREAKS.ME.OUT!!!!

  41. whimspiration

    The HOrrOR!!!
    Thanks for the laugh, from frigid Springfield, MO.

  42. Heather

    You know what’s kinda funny? I like those little toys! *gasp* They’re actually pretty cute. *gag* They seem like the kind of toy I might even give my child someday! *echoes in the sudden silence*

    Although the “fish-stick” did make me laugh;)

  43. Steph

    Dude. The Littlest Pet Shop rocks the house! We call them the Bobblyheads, and I like them because I am a sucker for the doe-eyed look. (I’m such a girl sometimes.) Unless that look is attached to the face of my 6-year-old daughter, because then, something is amiss.

    I finally caved into Barbie 4 years ago, due to the terrifying emergence of Bratz dolls. I mean, can you even imagine the forethought that went into marketing those things? “Barbie is nowhere near as promiscuous enough for today’s youth, so we clearly need a Hooker Doll in every Target that will make girls feel worse about their bodily images and improve upon the dismal rates of teenage pregnancy, anorexia/bulimia, and flashy makeup wearing.”

    Yay! I will take the Bobblyheads over The Vapid Hoes, any day of the week. Fo shizzle.

  44. Sarah

    you all need help. first off they are adorable.
    I would rather buy my children LPS than buy them Pokemon or Any other toy or video game that promotes violence. when we were kids our folks didn’t like all our toys. my dad hated barbie, she was a uptight slut to him.

  45. mandy

    WOW… I don’t know why these toys are so creepy to people I think there cute. They also are simple so your kid is forced to use there imagination. I play with them all the time with my little girl and I think there adorable. the reason the heads are bigger is becouse there bobble hads and there not really that much bigger. I don’t know how anyone could possible thinkk there creepy there adorable and they make it so my daughter asks me less for a real pet!! Thank you my pets!!!!

  46. Addison

    They are just a little creepy, but as has been said, they’re a million times better than some of the things in the toy-market. The ‘new’ Trollz aren’t a bad option if anyone’s looking for something to try. :/ Girly and pink, but with good messages and much more acceptable than barbie, bratz, pokemon, etc.

  47. Motherof4

    My 9-year-old-daughter has 9 of those things and the only 2 I think look evil is the hamster and the persian cat(they look WAY stoned!). Other wise, I think there ok, excepet my 2-year-old-son tryed to swallow one. I didnt even know it was possible to fit one of those things down your throat with there big heads.

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