Plumbing the depths

Good news! Through a mixture of planning, assisting, and bribery, I was able to get the kids to clean up the damn playroom already. I know you were all really concerned about it. I discovered that with three of us and about an hour, and a liberal application of “Well, I suppose you COULD keep that, but I wonder if Santa will think you have room for anything else…,” almost anything is possible. If by “almost anything” you mean “enough cleaning happens that the carpet is revealed and can be vacuumed.”

At one point during a tense “you’re really too old for this toy now” negotiation, Monkey became the epitome of generosity and zen. “That’s okay, Mama, you should give that to some little kids who don’t have much. It’s better to give than to receive, anyway.” I was about to gush all over him about what a wonderful sweet boy he is, when he continued on: “Besides, it’s November. Next month is Christmas and Santa comes and then the next month is my birthday, so I think I’m gonna be getting lots and lots of stuff!”

Yep, it was a proud moment.

Anyway, in honor of the afternoon spent diving to the depths of various storage containers (“Does anyone know what this is? Okay, it’s going into the trash, because it’s scaring me a little”), I thought I’d have a quick peek to see what people have been searching for around here, lately. It may not yield a nice tidy room to vacuum, but you can’t win ’em all.

why is my daughter puking in the mornings
I don’t know, but I’d consider changing up the breakfast menu. Just sayin’.

rawhide though my bladder swollen
Uhhhhh… I have no idea how that led here, but I’m afraid.

whitey mcwhiterson
Dude, you got his name wrong.

what do you find physically attractive
Right, same guy. See above.

fudge judge escalator
Let me ask you this: does he like rawhide?

frenulectomy no penis
I too like to keep my frenulectomies penis-free.

adult tonsillectomy chat room
I’ve never been to one, but I imagine it goes something like this:
Person1: GodDAMN this shit hurts.
Person2: It’s been two weeks and it’s still like swallowing glass.
Person1: I’m going to kill myself.
Person2: Good idea.

we eat eggs and ham
Good for you. Be glad you didn’t have an adult tonsillectomy.

racist elementary school chants chinese japanese
You’re specifically looking for racist chants? Whatever happened to “you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny?” Kids today, man.

less knowledge know not going
I feel you. That’s how I sound before I’ve had a cup of tea in the morning.

my 401k is lost
Do you think it’ll stop and ask for directions?

honey im sorry for being a failure
That’s sweet. Creepy, but sweet.

so you want to be an orthodontist
Not particularly, but I do hear that’s a good way to get rich.

9 year olds who habitually lie
You mean there are ones who don’t?

the scrotum song
Oh c’mon. EVERYONE knows that one.

mr. miser song
It’s like the scrotum song, but it costs less.

swiffer cant sleep
Offer it a glass of warm milk, or sing it a lullaby.

What happens if a dog eats a turkey carcass
He gets very full.

makeup breast excisional biopsy preparation
Is this like, what sort of makeup to put on your breast? Or it’s a makeup biopsy because the surgeon missed the original?

allergic reaction hands swelling, itching at mall
It’s perfectly normal to break out in hives at the mall. That’s why the good lord invented shopping from home in your pajamas.

underpants bear sex pic
As much as it squicks me out when people come here looking for porn, stuff like this is even worse. WHAT? What does he want? Bears in underpants? Bears having sex? Bears having sex in their underpants? It’s all very wrong.

why were undies invented
I was going to say to keep drafts out, but who knows. Perhaps so that bears can have sex in them.


  1. megan

    Oh. My. God. Let my pause while I get up off the floor and wipe the tears away. This is too funny! My favorite is “honey im sorry for being a failure”. People are so odd.

  2. Sara

    I started snorting at Whitey McBrother and the laughs just kept coming. You are so very funny.
    Oh, and by the way, the adult tonsillectomy thing? Excruciatingly true, I’m sorry to say. It hurts a whole damn bunch.

  3. Zee

    I think the scariest of all would be pictures of bears having sexin their underpants.

    I cannot. stop. laughing.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Melanie

    The many wonderful searches of google. You have to wonder what weird string of thoughts led to those things. I always google boring stuff, like “cat puke” and “cake recipes” and “starbucks coupons”. I’m normal like that.

  5. Cele

    Oh, mi gosh. Someone grab the caffine away from Mir. I can’t handle laughing anymore, I’m in pain.

  6. danelle

    The most prevalent search I get is “This could only happen to me” since that is the name of my blog. I always wonder what kind of solace people are looking for when they google that phrase. I feel kinda bad for them..for a minute.

    Funny funny stuff Mir.

  7. Alison

    It’s not good for me to laugh this much early in the morning. I shall be sniggering all day as well!

  8. Fold My Laundry Please

    Want to see something funny? Do a google search on the word “failure”, nothing more, nothing less, and see what the very first site is that comes up. I about wet my pants! Talk about a political commentary!

  9. Kendra

    I just googled “failure”…and it made my day :)

  10. tori

    I also just googled failure and found it funny. If that one about the puking in the mornings had been “son” instead of “daughter” I would swear I was the one who searched for it!

  11. Suzanne

    You crack me up! oh…and I miss a few days of posting and come back to find that you’re getting married! That’s so exciting and i’m very happy for you! Congratulations!

  12. Lesley

    Oh yes, more of this, please!

  13. laura

    I know the ding-dong song, but not the scrotum song. “Don’t let your ding-dong dangle in the dirt. If you-oo do, it mi-ight ge-et hurt. Put it in your pocket, or shove it up your shirt, but don’t let your ding-dong dangle in the dirt.” I suppose it could work with “scrotum”.

  14. The Other Leanne

    Bear sex: don’t ask me how I know, but a Bear is a great, burly, lumberjack-type gay man. I think it derives from “bear hug.”
    *pulls the silver thread of memory out and puts it in the pensieve*
    And my grandmother used to sing this when she had been into the Jamieson’s: “Never let your dingle-dangle dangle in the sand; always let your dingle-dangle dangle in your hand.”
    Go ahead, teach that one to Monkey.

  15. Aimee

    Maybe they were looking for really strong underwear, the kind that can bear sex? Any way you slice it, though, EW.

  16. Jenn2

    Gah! Very intersting way to begin my morning.

  17. Heather

    GOOD NIGHT!!! The kids are asking me what I’m laughing at – and I can’t tell them!!! LOL!!!!

  18. Melanie Marie

    I am laughing so hard that my co-workers are starting to wonder if I’ve come unhinged!

    I forgot about Whitey. So funny!

  19. Karen Rani

    Thank GOD you gave us update on the playroom. I couldn’t sleep last night, wondering if you’d whipped those little buggers into shape! Good job!
    *I’m such a brat*
    Love the Google Searches. I just looked at mine and there was one for “Hairy Grandma.” *snicker* I’m SO childish. :)

  20. Lucinda

    I must be psychic! I was just thinking yesterday that it had been a while since you did the search thing and *poof* here it is! Thanks for a good laugh.

  21. Belinda

    The inner neurotic in me is softly mumbling over and over about the toys in front of that door, because WHAT IF THERE WAS A FIRE, AND YOU COULDN’T MOVE THAT PLASTIC DOLLHOUSE IN TIME? Yeah, you oughta have to live with the voices in MY head.

  22. whimspiration

    Holy crapsickles Mir! *dies laughing*

  23. Ruth

    I didn’t know the scrotum song, the ding-dong song, or the dingle-dangle song. What have I been doing my entire life? I would have happily dismissed the bear quest as someone looking for a teddy in a teddy to give to someone who likes obvious suggestions if it weren’t for some of the special help available here.

    I think undies were invented by boys who were really embarrassed by their grandmas singing them the ding-dong song.

  24. SneakyPeek

    That was hilarious!
    I know exactly what that person was talking about with the racist chants and Japanese Chinese.
    I remember it from grade school, something like this ~

    Japanese Chinese
    Dirty Knees
    Look at these (and then make slanty eyes with your fingers)

  25. Erin

    Oh. My. God. That was so funny! Thanks for cracking me up–I seriously needed a good laugh.

    You rule, Mir.

  26. carson

    Sneaky, I learned a slightly different racist chant in elementary school.

    Chinese, Japanese
    Dirty Knees
    Look at these (pinching shirt in front of non-existant breasts and pulling out, as if you had breasts.)

    Or there’s this one:

    Me Chinese, me play joke
    Me put pee pee in your coke.

    Me American, me is smart,
    Me no drink the pee pee part.

    That kind of memory always reassures me when I hear that Ring Around the Rosy is about the plague. (But I’ve heard that’s not true either, so where is one supposed to have faith these days?)

  27. dorothy

    I think rawhide through my bladder swollen is totally my favorite. It’s so poetic.

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