Maddog Mama

It’s not often that I find my spam mail to be prophetic, but hey—stranger things have certainly happened.

This morning amidst the advertisements for mortgages, diet pills, bodily enhancements, and RILLY RILLY REAL ROLEXES, GINA!, I received this gem of a subject line:

Oh, you are not able to control your feelings!

I think we all know what the email was really about (ummm… donuts?), but after today it made me laugh.

You know how people sometimes seem one way on their blogs, and then it turns out that it was all a lie and they’re actually really different? I never want to be the sort of person who spins out a persona apart from the reality. I want to be straight with you.

So I have to tell you something.

Anyone who’s been reading me for a while knows that I don’t so much wear my feelings on my sleeve as much as they sort of seep and ooze from my pores and puddle around my shoes, causing my socks to go *squish, squish* at inopportune times. It’s not a surprise to hear that I’m emotional.

What you may not have realized—what, indeed, you may not want to know at all—is that I’m not all talk. Cross me, or my kids, and face my wrath. My deadly wrath.

So you can perhaps imagine my pride to hear that yesterday, my son announced to his class that the boy who was bothering him was living on borrowed time. Why? “My mom is going to come to school and kill him and then he’ll be dead.”

That’s right. I kill 6-year-olds. And then they’re dead. (Clarifying that last part is important, because, well, they’re only 6.) (When Monkey was in preschool I would kill children and then they’d only be mostly dead, but I’ve toughened up since then.)

The comfort (and I use that word so loosely, it just plumb slipped right off the screen) offered to me by the teacher when I tried to convey as diplomatically as possible that I might have appreciated a timely phone call rather than a scribble at the bottom of a paper I didn’t see until this morning was rich:

“I knew it wasn’t true so I didn’t feel the need to call. Rest assured that if I thought it was a possibility I would’ve contacted you immediately.”

So… let me get this straight: If my son’s behavior is wildly inappropriate and he’s making death threats on his fellow students, but I am not suspected of being a murderer, there is nothing to report. If, however, my son is truthful in revealing me to be a homicidal maniac, THEN she’d be happy to ring me. Perhaps to let me know what time would be the most convenient for my killing spree, so as not to interfere with gym class.

Needless to say, I’m not really feeling the love for Monkey’s teacher at this moment. There is more to this story, but none of it is good, and I am tired of gnashing my teeth and wailing. Suffice it to say that pieces of my mind have been handed out and necessary troops mobilized. All without bloodshed. For the moment.

I was also left wondering if I accidentally removed ALL COMMON SENSE from Monkey’s diet along with the gluten. Whoops! Who knew that it was so commonly found in wheat? Not me!

Don’t make him angry, folks. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry—he’ll sic his MOMMY on you. And then you’ll be dead.


  1. Jenn

    Monkey smash!

  2. Marvo

    So if I need a bodyguard, can I call you? You get to wear a dark suit, sunglasses and one of those earpiece thingies.

  3. Gillian

    I think if the teacher thought it was true she might have pointed out a couple of annoying kids who could ‘use killing’. Since she didn’t believe it she didn’t get her hopes up.

    This doesn’t bode well for the school year does it?

  4. InterstellarLass

    My husband is rather protective of our daughter. He was ready to slaughter him some second-grade-boy last week when the kid slapped Elle.

    I don’t think teachers are very bright. I honestly think they focus on the wrong things. My son’s teacher was keeping a ‘tally sheet’ of his transgressions. I don’t know what point she was planning to let things get to, but I just happened to find out. “I didn’t think you’d want a phone call about these things.” My response: “If it’s important enough for you to keep a tally sheet on my child, you need to communicate with me somehow. Phone, note, whatever. But don’t keep a dossier on him without my knowledge.”

    I don’t think she knew the word ‘dossier’.

  5. Patricia

    Hey, Mir, my son has a few kids who bite him at school. If he tells the kids that “my mommy’s friend will come and kill them and then they will be dead.” Will you? I mean, I just want to clarify how far your killing spree will go. ;)
    Also, I’m more than a little amused that *YOU* are the tough one of his parents who Monkey calls upon when he needs to make a threat. I’m guessing that Monkey also says, “My mom can beat up your dad.” So there.

  6. Amy

    InterstellarLass, maybe your son’s teacher is a nimwit, but hey now, let’s be nice! Not all teachers are dum, some of them r smrt, like I!

  7. Cele

    It could have been so much worse, it could have been the teacher he said that to. Then you might have had some other parents placing odds.

  8. Niki

    Can you come kill the kid who thought it would be funny to spray Mountain Dew all over my daughter’s hair while waiting in carpool? We had gymnastics immediately following, and that was the unhappiest episode of ponytail-making I have ever had. Not to mention she was just sticky to the touch – leaning back on the car seat, the couch, etc.

  9. Brigitte

    I know you’re feeling angry with the teacher, but I laughed out loud at what Monkey said! I only WISH I could have felt (at that age) like one (or both) of my parents would defend me against all the horrible abusive children I went to school with.

  10. Contrary

    She knew it wasn’t true?? Well, that will keep you warm at night.

    Of course, there is an upside to this. In a day and age when 6 year olds are getting suspended for pretending that their fingers are guns on the playground, at least his teacher didn’t *over* react. She did, *under* react a little, but at least Monkey isn’t sitting at home with a 3 day suspension (or worse) for making terroristic threats.

  11. Susan

    Perhaps the teacher is also gluten-free? Because she does seem to be common-sense free these days . . .

  12. Dee Dee

    Monkey’s teacher seems to be the problem. Perhaps if he had a different teacher, his “problems” might not be so great. It’s all in how one handles the situation. Maybe a different teacher would know how to deal with his behavior instead of just writing you a note and letting you deal with it much after the fact.

  13. Bob

    poor guy can’t get a break. maybe his threatened homicide with a deadly mommy is a sign of poptart withdrawal.

  14. Velma

    Monkey and my Pepper are the same age, I think, and we have been having a rough week with all the bullying and talk of killing, too. Fine all evening, then tears before bedtime. “C. told the lunch teacher I called him a baby and I got into trouble!” You know how this goes, right?

    “Well, did you call C. a baby?”
    “Not really!”
    “What does that mean?”
    “Well, H. told me to! She said she’d never talk to me and kill me if I didn’t!”

    Uh huh.

    (FYI, your last post about Chickadee really made me hopeful that we’ll come out through this tunnel of drama and sensitivity someday.)

  15. Lesley

    Well if it helps any, I tend not to wear my emotions on my sleeve, in fact, I’m sort of a droid. Not emotionless, but slow to anger for sure. I would have found the note on the paper sufficient. I would have wanted to talk to her some more about it, but I would have found an immediate phone call a bit of an overreaction. Not sayin’ you’re wrong, just another point of view. Big squeezes to Monkey!

  16. steph

    I just learned that Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles and Cocoa Puffs are gluten-free. You can be the cool mom who kills them with sugar cereal…

  17. Aimee

    Good lord. Sure, just a casual note will do. It’s no big deal.

    Well, maybe if you season those pieces of mind you’re handing out, they’ll be easier to digest when you forcibly CRAM them down her throat.

  18. Susan

    I’m sorry; I totally understand your frustration, but this part had me ROLLING:

    “Perhaps to let me know what time would be the most convenient for my killing spree, so as not to interfere with gym class.”

    OMG, you kill me. All the way. Dead. And I’m not even 6!

  19. Elleana

    Have death threats have become de riguer in the lower grades? ;)

    Poor Monkey – for having someone who makes him feel like he needs to threaten them with his MOMMY, and poor you – for having it all happen and told to you in an oh-by-the-way manner.

    So, um, the teacher? Are you going to kill her? Dead?

  20. MamaT

    Sometimes I wonder about teachers. For example, my step-daughter wasn’t allowed to eat her snack a couple weeks back because it wasn’t on her teachers “Approved Snack List”. She had a muffin. Not Oreos, not Mountain Dew, not Doritos, not Reeces. A fruity muffin. For once both hubby and his ex. agreed and said, “Since when does she get to determine what our kids eats?!”

  21. shannon

    I bite you, I bite you, now you bite me. I bite you.

  22. Lucinda

    Perhaps the teacher is more lacking the ability to read people in general. If she were more proficient, she would realize by now that you are a parent who wants to be informed asap while others prefer to know after a bit. You may have to spell it out for her (again).

    I agree though that at least Monkey has confidence in his mama! That’s a real gift you have given him even if it manifests itself in inappropriate ways.

  23. rachel

    I’m very proud of Monkey. OK, his common sense may be lacking, but he’s 6. I’ve yet to meet a 6yo with common sense. :)

    Hope things are easier soon. We had about 2 weeks of horrid behavior after removing gluten, then it got amazingly better.

    My original posts from March, 2003 are vaporized from a previous blog, but there are several in April 2003 that talk about the transition. ‘Cos I know you have all the free time in the world to go through my archives. heh.

  24. InterstellarLass

    Sorry Amy. I know not all teachers are bad. I had some great teachers when I was a kid. And my daughter’s 1st grade teacher was fantastic.

  25. Melanie

    It’s good to know that you’re in his corner, even if it means killing kids dead. I would do the same for my son. Rip out their hearts/eyeballs/spleens… whatever it takes, you know? And then they’re dead. You gotta love kids and the bizarre things they say.

  26. Mom Nancy

    Last year I got a note from MY DAUGHTER, in her homework planner thingy, that read, “Dear Mom, Today J said that if you were outside after school he would kill you. (heart) E1.”

    Sweet, and yet very disturbing, no?

    His parents were called, and he was suspended for a few days (he’d said the same thing to two other kids), but the teacher never even called!

    E1 considered him to be a FRIEND – eek!

    It just so happened I WASN’T outside of school that day, because E1 had a Girl Scout meeting right after school.

    Always be prepared. :wink:

  27. Juliness

    I love it that Monkey knows who his back-up is. That’s good, right? But oh man, how long is his school year?

  28. daring one

    That teacher is hilarious and apparently suicidal, poor woman.

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