Oh! Hello! Didn’t I used to blog every day? I think I did. Of course, that was B.B. (Before Bed.) I may be too busy sleeping, now, or just lounging around like the lady of leisure I hope to become. I haven’t decided yet.
In any event, thank you to everyone with celiac or kids with celiac or who know someone with celiac who’ve contributed such kind and informative suggestions to my last few posts. Going gluten-free is challenging enough without the melodramatic “The sky is falling! We can’t have crackers! He’s going to starve!” schtick. (And REALLY, that’s just silly. Who was doing THAT? Oh. Right. It was me. Moving on….)
Yesterday I cased the Whole Foods section of my local grocery and found a few of the items y’all suggested as being palatable, and for a lot less than they cost at Ye Olde Healthe & Bankruptcee Shoppe. I’ve also acquired all manner of weird flours and am looking forward to some creative baking. Like Rachel, I remain convinced that adding enough sugar to my concoctions will eventually yield delicious results even without gluten. We shall see.
But enough of that, for now. Would you like to come over and hang out on my bed?
I’ve decided to do all entertaining here on my new bed, from now on. Which shouldn’t be a problem at all, because I’m pretty sure this baby has its own zip code.
Let’s back up a minute. Before the bed itself came the Bed Preparation.
While I was busy preparing for my preshussssssss new bed to arrive, I scoured the land for a suitable bedskirt that didn’t cost more than I’d already spent on all the other bedding combined. You’d be surprised how difficult of a task this turns out to be. (Unless you’ve recently shopped for a king bedskirt, in which case you totally know what I’m talking about.) I think that way back whenever I started shopping for linens I was all “Bedskirt, schmedskirt! That can wait!” for some reason. But then I had this epiphany, you know, that my new mattress weighs over 200 pounds. And if I wasn’t going to place a bedskirt on the boxsprings THE MINUTE the delivery guys put them down, when did I think this was going to happen?
Look, I’ve been known to knock myself over just turning the mattresses on my children’s (twin) beds. Lifting a king mattress seems beyond my ability.
So I was all, shop shop shop, curse curse curse, and “who decided that leopard print was suitable for bed linens?” Meanwhile, I had already FOUND the perfect, simple, bedskirt back when I was shopping the big bedding clearance at Target… I just hadn’t bought it. So much of my time was taken up with KICKING MYSELF.
Finally, I turned to eBay, and searched for the Bedskirt That Got Away. The good news is that a million people were selling it. The bad news is that most of them are on crack, and are selling it for full retail. Hmph. But I perservered! And found it for just $5 more than it had been clearanced at, which—plus shipping—made it just $10 above what I should’ve paid. And I have paid MUCH higher stupidity taxes than $10 in my day, so I went ahead and bought it.
I also selected a powerseller who lives in a neighboring state, reasoning that it gave me the best chance of actually receiving the thing before the bed came. I included a perky note with my payment that said something along the lines of “I love you! And my bed is coming FRIDAY! So if you were to ship this before then so I could have it that would be SUPER DUPER SWELL and by the way did I mention that I LOVE YOU?”
But yesterday dawned and the delivery guys had given me the 4-hour window (with a promise to call an hour beforehand) and I was still without a bedskirt. Bedskirtless. I was very sad. But that didn’t change the fact that I still had plenty to do.
First, I stripped down my old bed. Then I started taking it apart. Sure, I could wait for the delivery guys to do it for me, but I really wanted to vacuum underneath it, first. So I got everything disassembled and leaned up against the wall (including the planks of wood that have been sitting between the mattress and the boxspring for years in a desperate attempt to provide some support), and then surveyed the area underneath where the bed used to be.
It wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be, actually. And I found a pair of slippers I hadn’t seen for a couple of years, so, you know, bonus!
Once everything was moved and cleaned and I was ready, I went back to working and waiting for the phone to ring. Finally it did, and I was in the one-hour countdown.
With about twenty minutes to go before their arrival, I decided to check the mail, even though it was hours earlier than the mail usually comes. Maybe—just maybe!—the mail had come EARLY! With my BEDSKIRT! I knew it was silly, but I had to check. And do you know what?
The mail had come early. With my bedskirt. Jesus loves me.
The bedskirt was, of course, creased into the shape of the package, so I went into warp speed to get it ironed before the delivery guys showed up.
[Otto: You’re IRONING? Bedskirts need to be ironed?
Me: Only when it’s a bedskirt in the shape of a teeny little package.]
The iron was still warm when the big truck showed up in my driveway, but I was done, and ready.
For some reason, the delivery guys didn’t seem nearly as excited about my new bed as I am. I cannot imagine why. But they tracked leaves all over my floor and muttered to each other and eventually brought in all pieces of the new bed and asked me to sign for it and then they went on their way.
I went back upstairs after they left, and beheld the monstrosity that now sits in the middle of my room.
When I was buying this bed, the salesman asked me if I wanted “low profile” boxsprings.
“Why would I want THAT?” I scoffed. “I’ve had a low, saggy bed for years. I’m happy to finally have one that’s BED HEIGHT.”
Now, I don’t know if I was somehow confused by the entire showroom full of beds, or if perhaps the showroom beds had the low boxsprings, but I was unprepared for the sheer height of this thing. My new bed comes up to my WAIST. It is a very tall bed, indeed.
It’s SO TALL, that when the kids came home from school and I told them that they could JUST THIS ONCE jump on it a little, they ran up the stairs, stopped in the doorway to ooh and ahh, then headed at the bed in a full run to clamber up.
And Chickadee hit the edge and bounced off. I would’ve been worried about her being hurt, but she lay flat on her back on the floor, laughing her fool head off. “It’s SO BIG, Mama!” she giggled, “I missed!”
Monkey—true to his name—executed a similar maneuver, but when the moment of bounce came, he clung to the comforter and managed to basically scale the face of Mount Bed and then yell “TIMBER!” prior to the full-body flop on the top. Heh.
We snuggled up on the bed and watched some cartoons as a special treat, and I couldn’t help noticing that in this nice, new, HUGE king bed, I still had a child-barnacle on either side of me, rendering 70% of the available bed space still empty. When I tried to encourage them to spread out a little, they fought to sit on my stomach. So.
No one broke an ankle on the dismount, so I’m guessing the height is okay. Still, it was weird to want to reach out and up to my alarm clock only to discover that said clock is now about a story DOWN from where it used to be. I did my customary reach-over-the-edge to grab my laptop thing and nearly fell out on my head while contorting my body ever-closer to the ground and waving my arms around empty space.
On the other hand, I could probably keep the laptop IN the bed, from now on, without ever coming close to it while I’m sleeping.
And that’s the million-dollar question, right? How the sleeping is on this beast?
I’m pleased to report that I slept so well, and it’s so comfortable, that I may never get out of bed again. It’s everything I’d hoped it would be. Well, mostly. It is a wee bit lonely, just me in this great big thing. Some day my prince will come (for a visit). In the meantime, come on over—just don’t forget to BYOL (bring your own ladder).