It is done

By Mir
October 7, 2006

I’m the sort of careful shopper who follows an extremely predictable course of action when undertaking a large purchase. It’s totally awesome that I am sharing my shopping acumen with the world because the way I save money, it’s a thing of beauty (plus I’m so modest and all).

So. Because this was such a VERY SPECIAL INSTANCE of careful shopping, I simply must share it here. Everyone needs to learn from my example.

Also, everyone should have a king size bed.

How to buy a new bed:

1) Sleep on a really old bed until you wake up every morning with a stiff back.

2) Start thinking about buying a new bed.

3) For several years. (Can’t be too careful.)

4) Resolve that The Time Has Come.

5) Start doing research online.

6) Decide on what you think you want.

7) Go out to a few stores and feel several hundred options.

8) Decide that what you thought you wanted is the wrong thing entirely.

9) Go home and do some more research.

10) Go shopping again for the thing you’ve decided you want.

11) Find the thing you want at a reasonable price at a store you hate…

12) … that offers a sucky warranty…

13) … but has that bed for $1000 cheaper than anywhere else.

14) Keep looking for that bed at other stores.

15) Go home, overwhelmed, and decide in a fit of pique that you’re not buying anything. Ever!

16) Wake up the next morning with a sore back.

17) Receive a $100 off coupon from the expensive furniture store in the mail.

18) Ponder.

19) Decide to go out shopping again with the children in tow.

20) Go back to the expensive furniture store. Determine that with the $100 coupon, you still cannot come close to affording the bed you want.

21) Feed children ice cream.

22) Take sugar-hyper children to the last store you plan to look at, ever, you MEAN it this time, because this is just hopeless.

23) Simpering salesman interrupts you mid-scold (“DO NOT CLIMB ON THE BEDS”) to say that it’s perfectly fine for the children to climb on the beds.

24) Blink rapidly. Tell the kids to have fun.

25) Check salesman’s face as the kids run amok while you calmly discuss the relative merits of a visco-elastic foam mattress.

26) Offer to buy the first thing the salesman suggests because ENOUGH ALREADY with the shopping and the wild children and the beds and please make it stop.

27) Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of an expensive slab of concrete.

Oh, alright. Only 1-25 are true. I actually offered to buy the SECOND bed he suggested, and it’s not made of concrete. It’s actually quite comfy. I think. It’s all kind of a blur, frankly.

Just as you shouldn’t shop for groceries on an empty stomach, so too should a savvy shopper avoid selecting a bed when strung out on cold medicine. Unless your children are leap-frogging across a line of showroom beds, in which case it’s perfectly permissible to buy a bed just to make up for the shame.

My confession: I bought a bed from one of those places that I hate. HATE. I abhor establishments that do inflated mark-ups so that they can make you feel like you’re getting some sort of amazing deal. I think it’s sleazy. But the price was right (after he made me an offer and I countered and Monkey licked one of the displays and he said “Sure, I think I can do that for you,” when really he meant “Dear God, please let’s wrap this up so that you can get your spawn out of my store.”) and I was TIRED OF SHOPPING.

Do you see what I’ve been reduced to? Tired of shopping? I never thought this day would come.

So on Friday, the new bed arrives. The new great big bed. I think. I think I bought a big one. I should probably check the receipt. Right after I finish scrubbing Monkey’s tongue.


  1. Patricia

    So does Otto arrive on Saturday?

  2. girlymama

    i was going to start shopping for a new bed, but i think i just changed my mind….

  3. Suebob

    “I abhor establishments that do inflated mark-ups so that they can make you feel like you’re getting some sort of amazing deal.”

    Relax. This is every mattress store on earth.

  4. Susan

    Next up: Mir takes the kids car shopping!

    Just kidding. Good lord, I am TOTALLY just kidding.

  5. Melanie Marie

    Yeah! Good for you for getting it done! Here is to many restful nights followed by pain free mornings!

  6. rachel

    on the plus side, you had 2 rather than 3 children climbing on everything and going nutty.

    And you have a new bed! yay! enjoy breaking it in.

    For those of us who can’t afford a new bed, the memory foam mattress toppers ROCK. mmmm… good sleep.

  7. Lady M

    Wow, I didn’t know that children could become such a powerful negotiating tool.

  8. stayathomemotherdom

    Excellent strategy! Maybe if I bring them in with the pink eye they have now and threaten to rub their faces on him, he’ll relent even faster.

    We need a new bed.

  9. Heather

    Glad you got your new bed! Sleep well. :-)

  10. angelfeet

    How familiar this sounds. We went looking for a bed with the girls in tow, and also had a salesman who said it was OK for them to clamber from bed to bed, lying down on each and then shouting “Morning!”, before leaping onto the next bed, and repeating the whole process. It kept them amused whlst we did virutally the same, but without the leaping and the shouting. We didn’t buy anything there, so I’m not sure we’ll be allowed back once we finally make up our minds about which bed to get.

    Hope your new bed brings restorative nights.

  11. MMM

    Congrats! We love our king matress!

  12. Cele

    The price of mattresses is exhorbitant, Shopping for new mattresses dizziling discouraging. I HATE SHOPPING. yes folks, you heard it here at Mir’s shopaholics joy-rama. I have the exact same experience regardless of what I am seeking. The kids, belong to someone else, but people always think they are mine. I must look haggard.

    Enjoy the bed Mir. Sweet dreams, and please good mornings.

  13. Whimspiration

    *laugh* Congrats on finishing the task. *smile* May it be comfortable for many grand bouncing years to come.

  14. Marti

    That last sentence slayed me! LOL

    Best wishes with the new slumberama!

  15. Christina

    Congrats! I hated shopping for our current vehicle more than the mattress shopping, but not by much. I pledge to keep both at least 10 years so as to avoid it for awhile!

  16. paige

    LOL! We down-sized from a king to a queen…and I am in love with my bed. I totally wanted to send out invitations to the wedding for me and my bed.

    We bought it when I was pregnant with my youngest and I could. not. take. another. night. in the waterbed. I went to the furniture store by myself, laid down on a bunch of beds, consulted with a salesman (who, uncomplainingly, helped me get up off every single queen mattress in the store), pointed to the one I wanted and had it delivered the next day.

    I have never regretted the lightning-fast decision. And once I told my hubby how much the king-sized mattress sets were, he stopped complaining about how much it cost. Plus, I told him that I’d strangle him in his sleep if I had to sleep on that damn waterbed one more time.

  17. Jennifer

    Has anybody ever actually used the warranty on a mattress?

    And also? Yes. Everybody must own a king sized bed at some point in their life, even if they never plan on sharing space in it with anyone. It’s just…a must.

  18. Karen Rani

    Happy, er, sleeping. Riiight. With Otto around, you’ll probably be acting like the kids were in the store. ;)

  19. Juliness

    Yeay! The new bed has been purchased. Just think of how much better you will feel the first time you sleep on it. In fact, I think king-size beds ward off all future colds and other assorted illnesses. Just a thought.

  20. Lesley

    Congratulations! And, Susan, you’re NOT supposed to take the kids car shopping? Dang… [Worst. Day. Of. My. Life.]

  21. Jenn2


  22. daring one

    I love my mattress dearly but we got it from those cheesy guys too with the dealing and such. The trick was, I waited for my sister to get a good deal. I layed on her mattress several times while she did her laundry and we chatted. Then I went to the store and said, “I want the same mattress my sister got last week. It’s that one there but she only paid $—.” Done!

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