By Mir
September 12, 2006

Today I managed to make it to my rescheduled follow-up with my breast surgeon, after having gotten the time wrong last time. Now, I’ve known for some time that this woman is sort of a card, and it’s part of the reason I really like her. It’s a full-service operation, you know? Feel you up, crack jokes. Everything you need.

But I was unprepared, today, when she checked my latest mammogram report and directed me to open my paper robe. She started feeling around while explaining that there’s still that area we’re “watching” (it’s calcification! which may be nothing! or which may be something!) in the right breast but so far, so good. We chatted (again) about how being fibrocystic makes for fairly lumpy boops so it can be hard to know when there’s a matter for concern.

She was mid-probe when she said, “Have you ever thought of naming it?”

“Naming what?” My breast? A particular lump? I may be behind on the latest body-part-naming etiquette.

“The calcified area! I think you should name it Pedro. That’s a nice name.”

When you write for a living and you realize that actually even a busy surgeon is funnier than you are, it’s a dark moment. But then while the surgeon was making notes in fairly legible handwriting I was able to suggest that her shiny new award in the lobby actually had “best penmanship by a doctor” inscribed in teeny letters along the base, and that almost evened things out.

That’s all I’ve got; Pedro and I have had a long day and need to get to bed.


  1. Patricia

    Glad to see you have a man in your bed again. May Pedro treat you well. :)
    (Sorry, Otto, seems you may have some competition)

  2. Cele

    I’ve never been one to name body parts….or intrusions. But this begs so many jokes. Girlfriend, you amaze me and never fail to cheer me.

  3. Kathryn, DYM

    Pedro is a good name for a calcification.

    But, it’s so hard to be upstaged by your doctor. You’re supposed to be in the spotlight, your time to shine in a paper gown. I had this goal to make my OB/GYN crack up. The pinnacle was to make him laugh openly while I squoze out Magoo. I can’t remember, but I think I failed at that one. Then he cracked a joke when it was over. Nice. Way to steal my thunder dude.

  4. Whimspiration

    You rock! Methinks you win this time, just by sharing the funny. *grin* Thanks for the laugh.

  5. David

    So, um, is Pedro a form of Peter? Which means rock? Which could be quite appropriate for a calcification? *looking all inquiringly sincere and innocently wide-eyed (and trying not to crack up)*

  6. Susan

    Between Pedro and Phil, you’ve nearly got yourself a fraternity there.

  7. Bob

    ¿Hola Pedro, cómo es usted? Recepción al pecho del Mir. Espero que su estancia sea corta, usted híbrido.

  8. Fraulein N

    Y’all are funny.

  9. lynn

    I bet she reads your blog, and suggested “Pedro” because she already knew about “Phil.”

  10. Amy-Go

    *mopping up coffee that just came out of my nose*

  11. Aimee

    Oh, okay. Pedro’s funny. But I still think you’re funnier!

  12. Mom Nancy

    Vote for Pedro!

  13. Buffy

    I love that she makes you smile.

  14. Shiz

    Awesome. She funny. So be you.

  15. Judy

    Pedro, huh? Pedro. Does that mean you need to speak to Pedro in Spanish? Treat Pedro to a Mexican meal every other Friday? Flash your right boobie as you partake of said Mexican meal? You know the possibilities are endless.

    I wonder if Pedro prefers guacamole or salsa . . .

  16. Elizabeth

    Oh, you so need one of those Vote for Pedro t-shirts. Glad it’s nothing serious.

  17. Viaggiatore

    Mir: OMG, I am *so* in your doctor’s camp on this; I’m definitely a namer of things… something taking up that much space in your life should have a “handle” of sorts! As a matter of fact, posted on my blog on this very topic today; I have an annoying (and hopefully very temporary) Arthur visiting. Get on the naming bandwagon, kids like it too! Cheers, Viaggiatore

  18. Carole

    Seriously…please ask her if she should be doing an ultrasound or an MRI of the area. Thank God my doctors do a mammogram and ultrasound once a year, because I have dense, fibrocystic breasts. In August they picked up “something” on the now routine ultrasound. Did an MRI. Stage 2 breast cancer and I’m going on week six of chemo. I got not one but TWO letters back saying “your mammogram looks great, see you next year”… Really don’t want to scare you, just to let you, and other women know, the mammogram isn’t always enough…

  19. halloweenlover

    I may need to see this doctor! I love her!

  20. CharlestonGirl

    My future husband (Saturday is the big day!) gave me a funny card yesterday that has a sound bite from Napolean Dynomite….”Pedro offers you his protection.” You have just given that whole thing a somewhat disturbing new twist!
    Hope all remains well with you and Pedro!

  21. Coleen

    Pedro! That is brilliant!

    I am in the habit of naming inanimate objects, but I have yet to name parts of my anatomy, internal or external. (Yes, there is Fester, the monthly visitor that makes my hormones Hell, but he doesn’t count.)

  22. InterstellarLass

    I would feel creepy with a Pedro running around in my boob. And my husband would get jealous.

  23. Cynthia Samuels

    I’d go for a more Ruebens-y name but love the idea. By the way vitamin e really seems to help lumpiness- although I’ve had two call-backs and one biopsy in my lumpy life…(all ok)

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