(But not really.)
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to continue the theme of yesterday’s post, except in a less cynical vein. I’ve told you what men are doing wrong. (And I cannot BELIEVE I forgot to mention appropriate handle usage. Nothing containing “knight” or referring to your car or your salary or how hot you believe yourself to be. Okay, I feel better now.)
Today I turn the floor over to you. Write my personal ad. There are… *checking* 975 (!!) posts here to use as fodder. What would be an accurate representation of me that does NOT bring The Crazy sniffing around?
I do believe there shall be prizes involved. Oh, yes. On your mark… get set… TYPE!
This’ll be great!
This is one I actually wrote for myself…but the perticulars have been changed
Slightly used mother of two, free to good home. Woman of good self esteem, who is papered, educated, and well humored. Takes LONG walks.
Honestly, I would think that if a man could actually read even a handful of entries from start to finish, they’re worth considering, right? That is, if he “gets” it.
Why do I say that? Because, Mir, you’re highly intelligent, witty, and you use some big words here and there. You even use complex sentences, correct punctuation, your verbs and nouns and all that are all where they’re supposed to be – so if a man has the ability to read one of your entries, comprehend it and respond coherently, I think he may just have a redeeming quality to him.
So maybe you should consider a lengthy personal ad sort of post, a story that only the man of your dreams could understand from start to finish, and maybe you should have him write an essay in response, as an initial ice-breaker. If he’s a freak, you’re bound to get a long reply about just one or two things you brought up. If he’s worth his grain in salt, he’ll really be paying attention to every word, and every underlying word, that you have to say.
HA! I like the idea of an essay contest. “In 500 words or less, describe why you should deserve a date with the delightful Mir. All entries should be accompanied by a current CV and picture, no alcoholic beverage containers please. Points will be taken off for incorrect grammar, punctuation, and requests for body measurements. Plagiarism will result in non-consideration and a date with Leona Helmsley. Those in mid-life crisis need not apply. Mir complies with all applicable EDOC (equal dater opportunity commission) and RSHA (relationship safety and health administration) acts.”
Just an off the cuff little personal just for you:
DWF with 2 fabulous kids and a penchant to over-share health issues regarding my boobs and vagina. Seeking Christian Man (30-45) who is well-educated with a job. Must enjoy Iron Chef and and a sarcastic sense of humor. Do not apply if you have any kids with a woman to whom you were not married or own a sportscar/hair plugs. Serious inquires only.
Now *this* will be fun! What a great contest idea. I’m workin’ on a good one for you.
*I have a question!*
Does spelling kount?
Oh the pressure…there is too much PRESSURE…wait, that is just one of my kids trying to get my attention again….
Because life isn’t like a Disney movie.
I’m a mother of two kids that I love passionately. I’m equally passionate about working hard and living life to the fullest. I know myself pretty well, and I’d like to share my world with somebody. In a perfect world a tall dark handsome millionaire would fall head over heels in love with me and my family, but I know that too many men are blinded by, well, being men.
I’d love to meet you if you are loving, confident, intelligent, reasonable, and able to handle meeting me and my kids as equals in a relationship. I don’t need to be rescued, I just want somebody to share things with, who wants to share what he has with me in return.
Also, looking like Mel Gibson won’t hurt your chances. Much.
DW thin female seeking man who is secure with himself and not crazy. Appearance is unimportant to me! Juicy calves wouldn’t hurt….
I seem to be unable to make a serious attempt at this. I guess it is a good thing I am married! But honestly, I have no idea why it would be so hard for you to find a man! In real life, if you are anything like your posts, you are one of the funniest, smartest, most kind people I have ever “met”. I think the problem is that most single men are single for a reason (not that it is always a bad or scary reason!) and since you are smart enough to not want to “settle” it will be harder to find the guy who is right for you. I have confidence in you though! Good luck and keep us posted! (get it? posted?)
In mine, when I met my guy, I said things like, “I have picture of a surfing monkey and a boquet of red Gerbers in my bedroom.” Stuff that was a brief detailey glimpse into me. I mentioned liking books and films that are unique: Asher Lev, Wonder Boys, Alice in Wonderland NOT Sleeping in Seattle and John Grisham novels.
Here’s my entry:
If you like Pina Coladas and geting caught in the rain… then move on please. You’re a freak and I’m not the one for you. I am a single mother of 2 who writes a blog (in which you will probably be prominently featured) I love popsicles, (but not popsicle sticks) and browsing Craigs List. I also sing along with the radio in my car. I walk miles to raise money for charity (so I’m fit,) but I also love to watch TV and movies so bonus points to you if you have TiVo.
Crap. The last part got cut off. I don’t remember it all so you’re kind of on your own there. (does this disqualify me?)
In case you’re wondering that last part was really good so please give me some points for effort.
DWF, mother of two. Writer. Self-employed by choice. Funny, yet sarcastic with humor that borders on being demented but with a wholesome set of morals and values. Please check out my “Handy dating tips for the IQ impaired” prior to responding. If you don’t hear back from me, you didn’t pass the reading comprehension test.
So I’ve got to go through all that stuff I’ve missed in the last few weeks (didn’t know I was reading you, DID you? huh?) and come up with an ad? Ok. I’m up to the task. Only 923 posts to read and familiarize myself with you other than what I read on BlogHer.
Hey! Can we count those posts, too?
Maybe not. Not as much ammo there.
Wanted: a down-to-earth gent who likes monkeys and chicks. The lucky man should know the difference between an analogy and a metaphor, a comma and a semi-colon. He should definitely make passes at girls who wear glasses. Walking (or better yet, running) on a beach is welcomed. Sense of humor is non-negotiable. Self-deprecatory humor scores extra points. Ability to skip the common terms of endearment and fashion an original nickname which invites a warm, witty response. Competitive at Scrabble (without a dictionary). Already house-broken and up-to-date with all shots. Able to quote Byron or Keats while cooking gourmet meals.
Sound body in a sound mind.
Wounded birds need not apply.
For a good time, call Mir.
Sorry…I couldn’t resist. Plus, still kind of pissy about the body image post. ;)