If I were a less lazy person, well, I would do a lot of things. Like exercise more, and actually get up and put the ice cream container away instead of just eating the entire thing because the freezer is so far away, and I’d get up earlier in the morning, and– Wait, I think I had a point in here somewhere. Oh! Right! If I were less lazy, I’d find the post Joshilyn wrote recently about the ridiculousness of prescription drugs advertising on TV.
I couldn’t agree more. What a way to encourage a nation of hypochondriacs to self-diagnose even more than we already do! Fabulous!
Tonight I saw a commercial that I feel tops even the evil brain-licking Lunesta moth.
The scene: A busy street, where a pretty, fashionably-dressed young woman stands on the sidewalk, peering off into the distance and looking slightly puzzled. She turns to the camera.
“There’s a common VIRUS that can cause CANCER. I didn’t know that!”
The camera moves on to a small, ethnically-diverse group of women, further down the street. Two of them stand there looking vaguely constipated while the third speaks to the camera.
“My doctor says it’s true… a virus that can cause cancer!”
On to a pair of women, practically clutching each other. By now you’re wondering what sort of street this is, because, Toto, I don’t think we’re in Stepford anymore.
“I didn’t know that a VIRUS could cause cancer. My doctor told me!”
Okay, by this point? I’ve figured out that it’s some sort of awareness campaign about HPV. All good and well. But it KEEPS GOING. Woman after woman, turning her empty doe-in-the-headlights gaze to the camera to confess that she had NO IDEA!
I swear to God, I was sure that soon enough the camera would alight on a woman who would twirl her hair around her finger while whining, “Math is HAAAAARD!”
Instead, eventually a woman wearing a white lab coat (white coats have been shown to make you smarter in 5 out of 6 studies) appears to give us the lowdown, those of us who are clearly in the middle or upper class but are too dumb to have ever
1) Heard of HPV
2) Been to a doctor
3) Been to sex ed in school
4) Thought about cervical cancer except during a commercial break during “Everwood.”
(What? Shut up.)
So this commercial doesn’t just want to tell you the incredibly SCINTILLATING and HERETOFORE UNKNOWN news that HPV can cause cervical cancer. Oh my NO! They want you to TELL SOMEONE! Quickly! Because they may not know! You may tell them, and they may respond, “Really? I didn’t know that!” In which case you totally have permission to poke them to death with one of those industrial Q-tips that are typically used during pap smears.
(I promise that the whole site is full of things YOU MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN. Like this tidbit, which I think I may have been able to go my entire life without knowing: “Part of the anus is actually outside the body and part is on the inside.” I mean, I never really gave it much thought, before, but knowledge is only power when it’s NOT ABOUT MY ANUS.)
But here’s the thing. I’m thinking, why stop the “Tell Someone” campaign with just HPV? As long as we’re besmirching the primetime airwaves with this sort of thing, I say we go WHOLE HOG. Tell someone about HPV, absolutely.
While you’re at it, could you mention that people already in a traffic rotary have the right of way over people entering? I’m pretty sure there are a lot of folks around here who don’t know that.
Oh! Also, for the love of all that’s holy, you should absolutely tell someone if they’ve got something stuck in their teeth. That’s just common courtesy.
And I can’t be certain, but I HEAR that in some very rare cases, sex leads to pregnancy. I’m not sure I believe it, myself. But check it out, and then be sure to tell someone.
Monkey would also like to tell you (and then, of course, you should tell someone else) that beans are the musical fruit.
I feel closer, now that we’ve shared. Now. Go forth and Tell Someone!