Would you like to come over to my house and take a shower, or flush a toilet? You totally can, now. My filter is unclogged and my tanks have been pumped. (That sounds so much more fun than what actually happened….) It cost $1 less than what I paid for yard clean-up. So, if I’d known yesterday that this was going to happen, when Yard Guy pulled up on his tractor I would’ve been all “Okay, if you can do the whole acre for a dollar, I’m in!”
But it’s not MY trauma (or, more accurately, my bank account’s trauma) that needs discussing.
My children would like to warn others so that, perhaps, others won’t have to suffer as they have. Don’t allow warning signs to go unnoticed; be vigilant and proactive. Respond to any of the following with swift and immediate retaliatory behavior.
The following are signs that your mother doesn’t really love you:
1) The sun comes up too early.
2) There is only an empty pop-tart box on the shelf. (Sure, maybe you’re the one who took the last packet and put the empty box back; that’s irrelevant.)
3) You are expected to go to school even when you have _________. [Fill in the blank with one or more: a hangnail, bedhead, socks that are “too bunchy,” ennui.]
4) She insists that you like meatballs, just because you used to eat them. You HATE meatballs. OBVIOUSLY.
5) She goes out and leaves you with a sitter.
6) Alternatively, she cancels the sitter. Either way.
7) She buys your sibling new shoes without buying any for you. She SAYS it’s because your shoes are fine and/or she just bought you new shoes, but COME ON.
8) You’re required to bathe just because your fingernails are a little bit black underneath.
9) Sometimes you have to wait a minute or two before your needs are met.
10) Sometimes–oh, the humanity!–they aren’t met AT ALL!
11) There are times when the television is off.
12) Bees. (Think about it. If your mother loved you, would you still be able to spot a bee 100 yards away while you’re on the swingset and come shrieking into the house? Of course not.)
Hopefully you won’t have to confront the atrocities that others have faced. Just remember, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger. Also, hell hath no fury like a child perturbed.