I spent most of my evening trying to transfer some files from my old dinosaur of a computer over to my shiny new(ish) computer. I thought I’d transferred everything to my laptop before I moved the old computer, but I thought wrong. The ONE file I wanted tonight was nowhere to be found. But! It was on the old computer! So I turned it on and plugged in my jump drive.
Old computer does not recognize the jump drive. Old computer laughs at my attemps to install the correct driver. Old computer would like to see me just try to use that interloping jump drive. Fine. After an hour of that, I decide I will simply copy my file to a floppy disk. Would I like to format the disk? Yes. Cannot format disk. Would I like to format disk?
I would like to rip off my own arm and beat myself over the head with it, actually, thanks!
Eventually I got the floppy formatted. I copied the file. I triumphantly brought said floppy over here to my computer…
… only to remember that this computer doesn’t HAVE a floppy drive, because who the heck uses floppies any more?
Well, hey, no problem. I’ll simply put the disk into my laptop, which has a removable floppy drive…
… that I can’t seem to find anywhere, because when was the last time I used it?
File? What file? I don’t need that stupid file. I don’t even know what file you’re talking about. I’m simply not interested in it.
But this may be because I am drunk. Well, tipsy.
My cold/allergies/general distaste for life has definitely morphed into something that responds well to Nyquil and makes me yearn for death just a tad less, at bedtime, so I’ve been availing myself of the Nyquil. Good stuff. Tonight, however, I did not have Nyquil. And let me tell you why!
Yesterday I got an email from my pal Charlie at… um, that marketing place whose name I always misspell. He wanted to know if I’d like a beer, and then hastened to apologize in the event that I don’t drink. I, of course, immediately mailed him back and asked him if he’d READ my blog, and did he think I was enduring this life without benefit of alcohol? I then suggested that he mail a CASE of whatever it was he wanted me to try.
Now, usually when Charlie sends me stuff, he emails me to ask if I want it, and then a week or two later it shows up. But today–after I’d completely forgotten about yesterday’s email–I had a FedEx package waiting for me on the porch when I got home. I brought it inside and opened it up, feeling very curious.
This is what I found inside. This very funky case had a little Heineken tag on it, so even though I was imagining all manner of fantastical contents, when I saw the tag I figured it had to be beer. And I’ll confess that my heart sank a bit.
I’m not a huge beer drinker. I like beer with chicken wings. Or pretzels. I drink, oh, I dunno… maybe one beer every three or four months. So I am by no means a connoisseur. That said, I don’t generally consider Heineken to be beer. It is my belief that beer does not come in clear or green bottles. Occasionally people will piss in those bottles and then sell the contents to gullible folks, but THAT IS NOT BEER. Sam Adams is beer. Killians is beer. It is my firm belief that Heineken is desperation.
Nevertheless, I figured this particular Heineken must be different, so I opened the case to see what was inside. Well! This wasn’t just ANY Heineken! This was PREMIUM LIGHT LAGER BEER. (As opposed to light lager juice, or light pissy beer.) And LOOK! An adorable little CD, presumably all about beer. (I haven’t watched it yet. I’m still bitter about the floppy disk situation.) And a surprisingly nice bottle opener (good heft), if you don’t mind your bottle opener proclaiming HEINEKEN! all over the place.
I then spent a good, oh, I dunno, twenty minutes trying to figure out WHY there was such a specialized case, with a strap, even, to hold ONE SINGLE BEER. Was I supposed to drink the beer or croon “myyyyy preeeeshus!” to it and carry it around? Finally my feeble mind figured out that the case would also be suitable for toting a bottle of wine on a picnic. So that was sort of cool. Although I only had a bottle of sparkling cider handy to test it out (and WHY do I have a bottle of sparking cider? does anyone know, because I sure don’t), I could easily see frolicking through the meadows with that beauty slung over my shoulder. It would perhaps house a nice shiraz, and then I could sidle up to fellow picnic-goers while tapping my fingers meaningfully on the case and quietly ask them if they really need BOTH of their kidneys or could I perhaps have one for my collection?
So. On to the beer itself. I hadn’t planned to drink it tonight, but after arguing with my computers for most of the evening I figured what the heck. I would skip the Nyquil and go for the lager! It was… ummm… not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, still by no means my favorite beer, but better than I remember Heineken being. The bottle says that it’s “brewed with the special Heineken horizontal fermentation method creating a uniquely flavourful and refreshing taste.”
I would require several more beers for me to not be irked at the missing comma after “method” and the Canadian/European spelling of flavorful. Also I’m thinking maybe they should try the vertical fermentation method, just to change things up a bit.
On the up side, at only 99 calories, I don’t even have to feel guilty about the pound of pretzels I ate while drinking it. And I won’t need to take any Nyquil tonight.
Thanks, Charlie! I’m sorry that I’m a beer snob but I will enjoy the astronaut case!
Wait. Let me get this straight. You get sent BEER to blog about and all I ever get is BOOKS??
Clearly I’m doing something wrong.
Give Charlie my address.
For a non-beer-drinker, that was a damn fine review. I think. I’ve had entirely too much wine tonite to be objective.
I hate beer, but that case thingy rocks!
Lucky you! I could use a Beer Fairy. Or a Charlie.
That was absolutely brilliant! The stories. The pictures.
Correct spelling irks you? ;-) America is pretty much the only English-speaking country in the world who has dropped that “u”. I have a theory that the Americans who hate a “u” in neighbour are just jealous that Britain colonized us first. LOL
The kidney comment just about did me in. :-) Thanks!
I am much too tired to have my brain working properly, but I’m sure you were very funny. Is it okay if I have to come back tomorrow and re-read it in order to get your jokes?
Also, I love that sparkling cider stuff. I am so plebian that I prefer it to many wines.
*hangs head in shame*
I’m not a beer drinker, well okay I allergic to beer, it’s the hops. But the case was definately cool. As for the u’s we can thank Daniel Webster for that. It gets me in trouble A LOT. Plus I cross my zeroes and sevens, a habit since I lived in Germany.
“Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!!”
Actually I don’t have a problem with Heineken (I totally fell for the keg-shaped can marketing ploy), it just always reminds me of Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet.
Ah, the floppy/jump drive/compatible/non-compatible ritual dance…the one that usually ends in wild shrieking (me) or denial (you). E-mailing the file could work; otherwise, carry on self-medicating with random deliveries of beer.
I’ve always thought that computing activities go better when done with beer. Well, actually, I’m having a hard time thinking of any activity that doesn’t go better but when beer is involved.
I know quite a few people who think that ALL American beers (and the foreign ones sold in America) are piss in a bottle. And after having lived in Greece and drinking beers fermented in Europe I know why. They don’t fart around over there when making beer. Or drinking it either – it comes in brown liter bottles and kicks ass.
Maybe I’ll get you to teach me grammer as I sure as hell don’t know the correct usage of many ?items of punctuation? much less the comma. But I expect you already knew that. And have been gracious enough not to castigate me for it. (you aren’t a closet southerner, are you?)
Um, Charlie? Your beer-mail to me must have gotten lost…
Charlie must have lost my address.
I think he should make up for it by send me multiple cases and beer. I’ll forgive him.
You’re so right about Heineken… it wasn’t nicknamed “heiny” for not tasting like @ss!
As for my beer preference, Corona’s on the beach in the summertime holds a special place in my heart.
OH LORD, I think I would have placed the beer in a corner and given it the evil eye all night, JUST for that missing comma. I wouldn’t be able to drink it because I’d be SO MAD AT IT. “Take that, beer!” I would cry. “That serves you right! Next time, don’t come to me with shoddy grammar!”
I’d probably drink it in the end, but first I’d show it who was boss.
SHEESH! Charlie sends me baking tins and air fresheners. No beer. Why Charlie, why?? My baking would be much, much better with a beer. Seriously. And the Swiffer would definitely be more fun with a beer in the other hand.
Mir gets all the good stuff. *hmph*
Mir, When you’re out this way for BlogHer, give me a call. We’ll go to all the small breweries and brewpubs in the Bay Area. I’ll drive, so you can enjoy. Awesome stuff!
Humfph. No one sends ME beer in fancy cases. I feel so unloved. If Charlie starts sending you SHOES, though, then we’re gonna have full-blown jealousy. ;)
I stumbled upon your blog awhile ago, but wanted to say that you crack me up. I second emailing the file – it really is the easiest way. If the old computer has 98 on it, it will never see the flash drive unless you can find the exact drivers.
Whoops, did I say that out loud?
Man, I’ll just never be cool.
I’ve had three good haircuts in my life. The first happened on a layover in Mexico City where just in some punchdrunk no sleep mode I went into this ‘beauty shop’ and let this crazy man cut my hair. He gave me big hair and looking at myself I laughed so hard I cried.
My sister was there and I started to choke from laughing so hard and kind of scared the stylist who had hilariously referred to my hair previous to the cut as ‘la moda Sissy Spacek’
The second two cuts were by this woman in Indiana during the worst year of my life. My first short hair cuts. And last good short haircuts.
It’s hard how those haircuts lure me into now into trying ‘styles’ (I’d just had long plain hair before that) for that incredible thing you describe where IT’S JUST RIGHT.
For me, the quest goes on. I’m so glad you got that pot of gold at the end of the haircut rainbow.
I’ve managed to save up roughly $60170 in my bank account, but I’m not sure if I should buy a house or not. Do you think the market is stable or do you think that home prices will decrease by a lot?