I spent most of my evening trying to transfer some files from my old dinosaur of a computer over to my shiny new(ish) computer. I thought I’d transferred everything to my laptop before I moved the old computer, but I thought wrong. The ONE file I wanted tonight was nowhere to be found. But! It was on the old computer! So I turned it on and plugged in my jump drive.
Old computer does not recognize the jump drive. Old computer laughs at my attemps to install the correct driver. Old computer would like to see me just try to use that interloping jump drive. Fine. After an hour of that, I decide I will simply copy my file to a floppy disk. Would I like to format the disk? Yes. Cannot format disk. Would I like to format disk?
I would like to rip off my own arm and beat myself over the head with it, actually, thanks!
Eventually I got the floppy formatted. I copied the file. I triumphantly brought said floppy over here to my computer…
… only to remember that this computer doesn’t HAVE a floppy drive, because who the heck uses floppies any more?
Well, hey, no problem. I’ll simply put the disk into my laptop, which has a removable floppy drive…
… that I can’t seem to find anywhere, because when was the last time I used it?
File? What file? I don’t need that stupid file. I don’t even know what file you’re talking about. I’m simply not interested in it.
But this may be because I am drunk. Well, tipsy.
My cold/allergies/general distaste for life has definitely morphed into something that responds well to Nyquil and makes me yearn for death just a tad less, at bedtime, so I’ve been availing myself of the Nyquil. Good stuff. Tonight, however, I did not have Nyquil. And let me tell you why!
Yesterday I got an email from my pal Charlie at… um, that marketing place whose name I always misspell. He wanted to know if I’d like a beer, and then hastened to apologize in the event that I don’t drink. I, of course, immediately mailed him back and asked him if he’d READ my blog, and did he think I was enduring this life without benefit of alcohol? I then suggested that he mail a CASE of whatever it was he wanted me to try.
Now, usually when Charlie sends me stuff, he emails me to ask if I want it, and then a week or two later it shows up. But today–after I’d completely forgotten about yesterday’s email–I had a FedEx package waiting for me on the porch when I got home. I brought it inside and opened it up, feeling very curious.
This is what I found inside. This very funky case had a little Heineken tag on it, so even though I was imagining all manner of fantastical contents, when I saw the tag I figured it had to be beer. And I’ll confess that my heart sank a bit.
I’m not a huge beer drinker. I like beer with chicken wings. Or pretzels. I drink, oh, I dunno… maybe one beer every three or four months. So I am by no means a connoisseur. That said, I don’t generally consider Heineken to be beer. It is my belief that beer does not come in clear or green bottles. Occasionally people will piss in those bottles and then sell the contents to gullible folks, but THAT IS NOT BEER. Sam Adams is beer. Killians is beer. It is my firm belief that Heineken is desperation.
Nevertheless, I figured this particular Heineken must be different, so I opened the case to see what was inside. Well! This wasn’t just ANY Heineken! This was PREMIUM LIGHT LAGER BEER. (As opposed to light lager juice, or light pissy beer.) And LOOK! An adorable little CD, presumably all about beer. (I haven’t watched it yet. I’m still bitter about the floppy disk situation.) And a surprisingly nice bottle opener (good heft), if you don’t mind your bottle opener proclaiming HEINEKEN! all over the place.
I then spent a good, oh, I dunno, twenty minutes trying to figure out WHY there was such a specialized case, with a strap, even, to hold ONE SINGLE BEER. Was I supposed to drink the beer or croon “myyyyy preeeeshus!” to it and carry it around? Finally my feeble mind figured out that the case would also be suitable for toting a bottle of wine on a picnic. So that was sort of cool. Although I only had a bottle of sparkling cider handy to test it out (and WHY do I have a bottle of sparking cider? does anyone know, because I sure don’t), I could easily see frolicking through the meadows with that beauty slung over my shoulder. It would perhaps house a nice shiraz, and then I could sidle up to fellow picnic-goers while tapping my fingers meaningfully on the case and quietly ask them if they really need BOTH of their kidneys or could I perhaps have one for my collection?
So. On to the beer itself. I hadn’t planned to drink it tonight, but after arguing with my computers for most of the evening I figured what the heck. I would skip the Nyquil and go for the lager! It was… ummm… not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, still by no means my favorite beer, but better than I remember Heineken being. The bottle says that it’s “brewed with the special Heineken horizontal fermentation method creating a uniquely flavourful and refreshing taste.”
I would require several more beers for me to not be irked at the missing comma after “method” and the Canadian/European spelling of flavorful. Also I’m thinking maybe they should try the vertical fermentation method, just to change things up a bit.
On the up side, at only 99 calories, I don’t even have to feel guilty about the pound of pretzels I ate while drinking it. And I won’t need to take any Nyquil tonight.
Thanks, Charlie! I’m sorry that I’m a beer snob but I will enjoy the astronaut case!