I’d like to thank everyone who chimed in on the previous post for both maintaining civility and proving that I’m not the only spiteful, overly emotional one in the bunch. Sometimes, immaturity loves company. That said, it is my intention to get to the bottom of my feelings and then, hopefully, dispose of them. Wasted energy. I have some work to do on myself and I’ll get it done… just consider the prior rant my little “But I don’t WANNA!” tantrum. I’m done now.
May I come out of the naughty corner? I promise to be good.
In fact, in my continuing quest to better know myself, I’ve been thinking about expenses, recently. I spend a lot of time obsessing about money. It’s a little hobby of mine. Less harmful than fire-eating but more annoying than, say, knitting. I’m just trying to strike the happy medium, you understand.
Let’s take a closer look at some money I’ve spent recently, and whether or not each expenditure is a good use of my hard-earned cash, shall we?
Expense: Nutty Buddies
They were on sale. But they’re like Kryptonite to me. Don’t even ask me how many I ate tonight. Just DON’T. I shouldn’t be allowed to have these in my house. Ever.
Expense: Heating Oil
Okay, yes, I have to pay to heat the house. What I would like to know is this: How is it that in the three years since living on my own that I have been unable to convince the oil company to put me on a budget plan that is actually, you know, a MONTHLY BUDGET?
The first year they insisted I hadn’t signed up in time, which was strange. I was all, “Here, please take my money in ordered installments!” and they were all “No, we cannot, the computer does not allow it!” Freaky.
The second year they said, “Okay, pay this much per month,” and I said okay and then at the end of winter they said, “That was very well and good but now we would like a great big chunk of money, SURPRISE!” and they would not even accept my first-born in lieu of payment, which I think was quite rude.
This last year, I asked for a NEW budget amount and they insisted I stick to the old amount, but I already knew that the old amount would result in having to sell my plasma at winter’s end. So I adjusted the amount, myself, based on my scientific calculations of “I’m thinking of a number between what I pay now and what will bankrupt me” and paid that each month. When it became clear that I was WAY ahead of what it was costing, I cut back a bit on the payments. Guess what! Now I owe them money again. Bastards.
Expense: Ann Taylor pants
Let me just preface this by saying that ANY PAIR OF PANTS THAT MAKES YOUR ASS LOOK GOOD IS WORTH ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY. I firmly believe that, down to the very marrow of my bones. If you have the resources to buy expensive, beautiful clothes? Good on ya.
Any pair of pants that 1) is expensive enough to be a size smaller than what you normally wear, 2) makes your ass look amazing and 3) are made from interesting, lovely fabric should be purchased immediately if at all possible. If you can snap up said pants at the thrift store for ONE DOLLAR, you then get to shake that fabulous rear during your victory dance. Woo!
Expense: An Automatic Laundry Bot
Justified: Yes please, where can I find one?
Obviously I don’t actually have one of these. But I spent an hour tonight pairing socks. I would happily sell my plasma AND my children for such a device; although if I sold the kids, I’m thinking that would cut down on the laundry time, right there.
Expense: Little Sneakers
Justified: It keeps DCFS off my back
Guess what I did about a month ago? I got new sneakers for both kids. Guess what I did today? I got new sneakers for both kids. What’s wrong with this picture?
Monkey’s month-old sneakers were new when he got them, and are already falling apart. He’s broken the laces twice, and I ask you, HOW does a child break shoelaces? I’m mystified by the whole thing, frankly. But at his school, there is sand on all the playgrounds, and the sand, it gets inside the shoes and EATS THEM, I kid you not. The shoes are rubbed threadbare from the constant wearing down of the sand from both the inside and the outside. In a fit of pique I have replaced them with hand-me-downs, since they’re only going to be wrecked, anyway.
Chickadee’s sneakers were hand-me-downs, so I guess I can’t be as annoyed. Still, she’s broken two pairs of laces (again with the laces!) and now has multiple holes in both shoes. I replaced them with a new pair that I got on clearance and have those bizarre bungee-cord not-laces that just sit there rather than requiring tying. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out, just yet, but we’ll see.
Expense: Balanced, Home-Cooked Meals
My money would be better spent on Kraft mac-and-cheese and children’s multivitamins. I can’t even do the “children are starving” speech any more; they don’t listen. No, now they ask how many bites until they can have dessert. Sometimes I can trick them by being vague, or pretending I lost count, true; but when they figure out I’ve eaten all the nutty bars, what am I going to use for motivation?