A handy guide to your convalescence, according to the wisdom of one of the world’s foremost not-quite-eight-year-old melodramatic possible-hypochondriacs.
Be certain to fall ill in the evening after a long day. Your mother will be overworked and tired and acutely aware of the great big *smack* on the lips she gave you that morning before you got on the bus. Hahaha!
It’s always nice to start an illness with the ruining of an entire outfit, if you can manage it. Don’t disrobe until you’re asked if the plan is to marinate in it, and then simply hand the soiled items to the nearest maid. Or Mom.
Getting to bed while ill
Alternate falling prone wherever you happen to be and insisting that you’re not tired, or that you won’t possibly be able to sleep. Be sure to mention as many times as possible to your sibling that you most likely won’t be attending school tomorrow, because you are so sick. Don’t forget to point out that he’ll still have to get up early and go to school!
Staying awake the entire night is optimal, but can be difficult to achieve for novices or those who are tired. In lieu of this, simply get up at some point in the night, wander in to your mother’s room, speak briefly in tongues (because, after all, you have a fever and you’re not exactly awake), and then allow your mother to lead you back to bed. Bonus points for loudly knocking over the just-in-case bucket at some point in the night, but only if you space it out far enough from the previous journey down the hall that your mom has had time to fall asleep again before being jolted awake.
In the morning
Report back to your mother’s bed for a temperature check. Commandeer the covers and her pillow. Snuggle in and cough on everything. Thaaaaaat’s right. Coat it all in a fine mist. Perfect! Now would be a good time to point out (again) that you won’t be going to school. Heck, why not tell your brother to go get dressed while you watch some cartoons? He’ll love that!
When your mom leaves to deal with your brother, realize that actually, you don’t feel very good. Fall asleep again, but be sure to do it in a really angelic pose. Be a little pale and fragile-looking. Yeah. Then use your best weak and beleaguered voice to ask WHY your mother woke you up to take your brother to school.
Get into the car in your pajamas, complaining about how much you want to go back to sleep.
Perk up a bit after dropping your brother at school. When your mother looks suspiciously at you in the rear view mirror, flop back against the car seat and try to look pitiful.
Back home/breakfast time
Lay on the couch and insist you’re not hungry. Well, maybe you’ll have a little juice. Once your mother has fetched your juice and and a blanket and turned on the television and gotten situated with her work, muse aloud that maybe you should try a piece of toast to help settle your stomach. If that doesn’t work, wait a few minutes, then ask for some toast. Make sad eyes. When Mama goes into the kitchen to get your toast, turn up the volume on the TV.
Bulk of the day
Sigh loudly. Toss and turn on the couch. Ask to have your temperature taken again. Channel surf. Ask your mother when she’ll be done with her work.
Ask if you can play computer games when she’s done.
Ask if she’s done NOW. Recover the upper hand in response to the Glare of Displeasure by asking for her to come snuggle on the couch, pleeeeeease?
When your mother comes to snuggle, demand she sit THERE, like THIS, and contort her into a pillow for your use. Demand she move less when she breathes. No, that’s silly. Just tell her to stop breathing. Act put out when she is unable to comply.
Ask to play a game. Insist that you feel just an eensy bit better, and playing a game would really help.
Grumble on your way upstairs, where you’ve been sent to rest and read a book.
Come back down 15 minutes later, insisting that you had a very nice nap, and now you are hungry.
Eat everything that isn’t nailed down. Ask if you can use the computer now. Take out Monopoly and conduct a 4-player game where you play all parts. Inform your mother every time she moves and what happens.
Become mysteriously reafflicted when it’s time to fetch your brother from school: Drag your feet, complain of dizziness, insist that your temperature be checked again. Mention that you think you may need another day to rest.
Don’t eat dinner. You’re full from earlier. Play on the computer while your brother has his shower. Act indignant when told it’s time for bed. Brush teeth veeeerrrry sloooowwwwwly, because you are quite ill. Curl up in bed and fall asleep immediately. You’ll need every minute of sleep possible so that you can commence bouncing off the walls at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Good work!