I should be a movie critic

By Mir
March 18, 2006

I mean it. I totally SHOULD be a movie critic, except for the part where I hardly ever see movies. Minor technicality.

But when I DO see movies, I’m always just! so! excited! And I hear that enthusiasm is really more important than expertise, in many things. Perhaps that’s true for movie reviews. Maybe not. You can be the judge. Just so long as you agree that I am right.

This weekend I have already seen TWO movies! This represents an eighty kajillion percent increase over… ummm… every other weekend. So much excitement… I just don’t know. It might not be good for my health. So far, I’m bearing up remarkably well under the strain. However, if by some stroke of fate I end up seeing ANOTHER movie tomorrow? I’m pretty sure it will create a rift in the space-time continuum.

So yesterday, I went and saw V for Vendetta in an actual movie theatre. Just being amongst stadium seating and a big screen and other humans was pretty exciting, for me. Plus those celebrity facts they show prior to the movie are really thrilling. (Okay, I’m lying about that part.)

It was a true adventure, is what I’m trying to tell you. I hardly even minded that more and more, I notice that in such settings there is an alarming number of young people wandering around post-violent-skirmish; some of them haven’t even had time to hike their pants back up or remove all of those sharp objects from their faces.

Here are the top 10 things I learned during V for Vendetta:
1) Natalie Portman is VERY skinny.
2) No, seriously. I wanted to give her a sandwich.
3) The future is scary.
4) But British people always sound right, even when they’re not.
5) Natalie Portman is still hot when she’s bald.
6) I’m easily confused.
7) I’m guessing there’s a dimmer switch in the control room that handles the theatre lights.
8) I’m guessing someone in the control room was getting lucky and didn’t realize they’d turned the lights on a little and was causing them to flicker in the middle of the film.
9) I’m glad someone else got up and dealt with it after 10 minutes of flickering lights.
10) There is no number 10.

And THEN! Tonight I watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose on DVD. Not as thilling as going to the theatre, but still! Two movies in one weekend! I AM WILD AND CRAZY! And guess what is NOT a good movie for two women to watch alone, in the dark? GUESS!

Here are the top 10 things I learned during Emily Rose:
1) Friends don’t let friends get possessed by demons.
2) Laura Linney could store small children in her dimples.
3) With the right music, it’s really terrifying when people leak black stuff out of their eyes.
4) The nice thing about a DVD is that you can pause and turn the lights on or crack a joke to break the tension without missing any of the movie.
5) Don’t watch a movie containing a lot of demon-sensitive cats in a house with a pet cat unless it won’t give you a heart attack for said cat to streak across the room during the film.
6) Everyone sounds possessed when they speak in Aramaic.
7) 3:00 in the morning is demon time. Who knew?
8) “Based on a true story” can actually mean “totally made up based on a thing we heard about once.”
9) Demons like to eat bugs.
10) Still no number 10.

Don’t hate me because my life is so exciting.


  1. buffi

    Well, you just saw two more movies than I have this year. Not counting Disney, of course.

  2. kathryn, dym

    It seems that I am the only person not reading your site so I thought, “Why stay at the loner’s table? I’ll just go over and say hi.” So hi. This post cracked me up and although I haven’t seen the movie, I definitely agree about the friends not letting friends thing. Yes, that is a universal truth. LOVED your post over at Mom on a Wire, btw.

  3. Amy-go

    Emily Rose was AWFUL! I mean. c’mon, Satan, possess all of these losers and let’s get this over with awful. But I’m glad you had fun!

  4. DebR

    You so totally SHOULD be a movie critic!!! :-)

  5. karenT

    I wish it were true that the British sound right even when they are not -I’m British and also wrong most of the time (well according to my kids anyway.) Also 3a.m is definitely demon time. Thats the time I always need to go to the bathroom -oh to sleep like a baby til morning!

  6. M00

    I’m British too and I think I was wrong ..once about 27 years ago.. but I could be wrong about that in which case I have been wrong twice.

  7. Cele

    You’ve just underlined a large portion of the reasons I do not tend to frequent movie theatres. Here’s my top ten reason to not watch movies at the theatres

    1) Marketing Hype
    2) The best scenes are always in the trailers
    3) $4 popcorn
    4) $3 sodas
    5) Plots with Semi-truck size holes
    6) People who talk too loud then tell you shhhh when you sneeze
    7) in our little theatre even when you’re in the back row, you’re twisting and craning your neck like you’re in the front row
    8) Crowds
    9) In six months I can BUY the dvd AND SAVE MONEY on the price of admission, pop corn, soda for two adults – then watch it when ever I want.(seeing it first is often over rated.)
    10) the blackhole of 10’s

  8. Em

    I thought 3am was Miller time. Who knew?

    Actually, 3am is exactly half way through my 11 to 7 shift so some nights, I welcome demon time (sans demons whenever possible).

  9. Meepers

    Hi Mir! Came over from Karen’s place – oddly enough I’ve just started a “Late Movie Review” column for those of us who see movies four months after they come out. (Read: because we are too cheap/busy/annoyed by movies)

    So… I hear you’ll be singing “Fame” in San Jose at BlogHer? I have a silly question: How do you get invited to BlogHer? ‘Cause I looove me some Fame!

    P.S. Can I link you?

  10. Kris

    Emily Rose is still possessed. She’s five years old and living in Tonawanda, NY.

    We’ve recently learned she’s got fangs lurking beneath the surface. (If you wanna see, just ask. We’re now wearing garlic necklaces daily.)

    I wasn’t thrilled with the movie, but it had its good parts.

    But man, she was a great screamer! (My Emily Rose is, too! LOL!)

  11. Vicky

    My fourteen year old daughter, Zeenee, does a hysterical impression of Emily Rose. She does the 1-2-3-4-5-6 cat-scratch thingy and the part where ER leaps out the window onto her haunches…except Zeenee doesn’t leap out an actual window. Makes me pee my pants laughing every time…except also without actually peeing.

  12. Susan

    I love the concept of ‘based on a true story,’ almost as much as ‘based on characters created by [insert name of famous author]’.

    I think I will start telling people that my life is based on a true story.

  13. Belinda

    Hmmm. Most of our demons seem to show up around 2:15-ish. Now I realize how rude they are!

    And I did not even learn those things from the movie, for it was so bad that I read “Mental Floss” magazine instead of watching the last half. Which irritated the husband. Hey, it’s my life, I get to pick how I waste it, right?

  14. raphkael

    Hum…scuse my english I’m french…do you know the movie 3AM? i just begin to see it and it seems to be an unknown film but it’s surprinsing!

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