Everyone has things that they do to relieve stress, right? Me, I like to shop. But you know, if I shopped as often as I was stressed, I would be broke. Broker than I already am, I mean. Also my already cluttered house would fill up with stuff, I suppose. Like many, many pairs of pointy-toed shoes.
So, I often go shopping and come home empty-handed. Just because. But on busy days, I cannot just go out shopping. I can, however, use my beloved internet to do some virtual shopping! Online! In my pajamas! GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Today I did a little online browsing at a store which I adore and may have also
stolen borrowed some graphics from for the purposes of illustration. You know, the latest online retail craze is elaborate and irreverent descriptions to accompany items for sale. (Don’t know what I’m talking about? Check out woot! or Daily Zort.) I’d like to see that trend spread.
So this store I was browsing today, it not only likes to chop off the heads of the models, it just features some… interesting… body poses. My imagination started working overtime.
My name is Jane. Plain Jane. I am just standing here, looking like a normal person except for that whole headless thing. Do you like my clavicle? It is pointy. I only wear teeny spaghetti straps to make sure everyone can see it. Oh, here comes my bus. Gotta go.
Did you know that if you put your hands behind your back, like this, that it totally makes you look all sweet and demure? Even if you’re basically wearing a negligee with your jeans? It’s true. I swear. If my head were in this photo, you’d be able to see my halo. Also, I’m pretty sure this makes my boobs look bigger.
Don’t listen to her… you want to make your boobs look bigger? Wear SATIN. Look how shiny my tits are! Shiny! And ROUND! You should SEE the smirk on my face. I’m totally working the “Uh huh, that’s right, I know,” angle. Any second now I’m gonna lift that hand off my hip and SNAP.
Could someone please shut up Little Miss Satin Rack over there? Sheesh. She gets to wear THAT, and I’m stuck over here not only looking like my breasts have gone AWOL, but tugging at the bottom of this jacket to try to make it a little bit longer. I don’t want anyone to see my muffin top. Damn cropped jacket. Damn lowrise jeans. I hate my job.
You want a longer top? I’ll give you a longer top. Do you like it? DO YOU? Because I’m thinking my grandmother has a top exactly like this, except with shoulder pads. I’ll take a cropped jacket over a banded bottom any day. I had to jam my hand into my freaking pocket just to keep from decking the photographer.
Would you all please just be quiet?? Don’t make me come over there. I WILL come over there. Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young lady. Just because no one ELSE can see your head doesn’t mean I didn’t see that. What? You’re not sorry? If I have to come over there, I’ll give you something to be sorry ABOUT.
I don’t know, I was at yoga, and I was really opening up all my chakras during half moon, right? And then something in my back just SNAPPED. Like, ZING! So I’ve had, like, a bunch of Advil and a few Percodans, but it still really hurts. Also, why is there two of everyone? Was it always like that?
You know, I went to Brown. I was an anthropology major. The irony of this moment is overwhelming, not that anyone here would understand that. Yes, I totally need to flash a peace sign because the hippy t-shirt with the pacifist design CLEARLY cannot stand on its own to make the proper statement. God, I hate you all.
You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out….
Come on, now! Everybody join in! Who says a shoot has to be dull??