Exchanges I have participated in today, filtered through the lens of complete anonymity to protect those involved: [Not that anyone needs any protection, per se, but after all it adds to the fun because there’s a limitless number of possibilities for you, the reader, as you imagine where each exchange may have taken place. It’s like those Choose Your Own Adventure books! But with a blog!]
* * * * *
Eenie: I want green beans!
Meenie: Okay, we can get green beans.
Eenie: I want to get them!
Miney: I can hold the bag.
Meenie: Okay, um, you hold the bag, and you put some beans in.
Eenie: How many?
Meenie: Just a couple of handfuls, k?
Miney: We can do it! You go over there with the peppers!
Meenie: Okay. I’m going. Red or green?
Meenie: Okey doke. Wait. STOP.
Eenie: Green beans!
Meenie: Yes, um, I said a couple handfuls. You are now going to have green beans for every meal this entire week, that sound good?
Eenie: Even breakfast?
* * * * *
Fred: Do you want english muffins?
Ed: Yes please!
Fred: Okay, good, they’re Buy One, Get One.
Ed: How much is that?
Fred: Well you pay for one and the second one is free.
Ed: But how does that work?
Fred: Well. It’s like you two! I paid for you and got that one for free!
Ed: But how much do the english muffins COST?
Fred: I don’t know.
Ed: Did you really pay for me?
Fred: No, you were the free one.
* * * * *
Thelma: He doesn’t listen, he spins in circles, he flaps his arms, he seems like he’s in his own little world.
Louise: What’s your point?
Thelma: You don’t think that’s… odd?
Louise: No, I think that’s… six.
Louise: Aren’t they all like that?
Thelma: I don’t know. I only have one.
Louise: I think it’s pretty typical.
Thelma: I think it sucks.
Louise: Well, yes.
Thelma: I really think maybe he’s… worse.
Louise: What does his teacher say?
Thelma: I’m supposed to talk to his teacher?
Thelma: I’m kidding.
Louise: Okay, just checking.
Thelma: His teacher says he doesn’t listen, he spins in circles, and he flaps his arms.
Thelma: Not kidding this time, unfortunately.
Louise: But is she worried about him?
Thelma: I don’t think so.
Louise: Well, then.
Thelma: But it’s possible I wasn’t listening.
* * * * *
Tweedle: So when you have sex with him…
Deedle: What? No! No sex!
Tweedle: No sex?
Deedle: No! Too soon to even THINK about that!
Deedle: Listen, first date, nothing. Second date, one kiss. Maybe.
Tweedle: What if it’s a REALLY GOOD KISS?
Tweedle: Like all SLOOWWWW and SEXY and AMAZING??
Deedle: I’m in trouble.
Tweedle: SEE? So what if that happens?
Deedle: I will be STRONG!
Tweedle: The hell you will.
Deedle: Wait, I KNOW! I’ve got it!
Deedle: I won’t shave! That’s perfect. That way the pants can’t come off.
Tweedle: Oh, that’s good.
Deedle: I am smart!
Tweedle: The time-honored not-shaving manuever! Classic!
Deedle: A thing of beauty!
Tweedle: But you can’t tell him that’s why.
Deedle: No, of course not.
Tweedle: Cuz he’ll talk you out of them.
Deedle: Right, he’ll be all “Oh, I don’t mind stubble.”
Deedle: That’s settled, then. I just won’t shave my legs for a few months.
Tweedle: You’re in trouble.
Deedle: Not necessarily. Maybe he’ll turn out to be an asshole.
* * * * *
I have had that last conversation more than once. Sometimes I was Tweedle and sometimes I was Deedle. It’s more fun being Tweedle and screwin with Deedle, than being Deedle and living with furry legs.
I hope you’re Deedle! And go ahead, live a little….SHAVE! ;)
I now know where you live – it’s a little town called DENIAL.
Actually, it’s not that small. I should know, I’m a founding father.
I hope you’re Deedle! I think every woman alive has done that no-shaving bit. It doesn’t always work, mind you, but we all do it.
I’m with Amy-Go. Shave and take a walk on the wildside. Then you get to come home to green beans, English muffins, and a spin cycle six year old. No problem. You are super Whoa-Mom. It’s all in a days work.
Yeah, I’ve done the no-shave thing, only to be rooting around in a stranger’s medicine cabinet at 2am, looking for a Gillette sensor and something that could serve as shaving foam. The only thing that will work is a padlock. And give the key to, like, your mother.
my comment above is why I don’t write more of them – cryptic at best, unintelligible at worst. I should may write a few drafts, put them down and come back later and proof. If I had it might have come out something more like this: (not that the following is guaranteed to be any less cryptic or unintelligible)
I now know where Deedle lives – in the state of DENIAL. (Its a large metropolis – or a small world. I should know as I am its founding father.) Deedle’s potential suitor may be from Europe (or an aging hippie who’s not over his earth mother days) where the phrase black forest isn’t just a reference to a region in Germany. Hairy legs aren’t much of a deterent to the seriously attracted male animal (or most other males with a few beers in ’em and an idee fixe).
I’ll drop back into the background now…..
Off topic. Have you checked this out? You’re the first one I thought of when I read it.
To shave or not to shave? THAT is the question. If you’re me, shaving would all but guarantee that the guy will be a tool. A tool that you don’t even want to kiss, let alone allow to be in the presence of your newly-shaved legs. But maybe your man-karma is better than mine.
OK, I must acknowledge my male denseness here. You avoid shaving in order to talk “yourself” out of it?
Does that ever really work?
Even I am getting dizzy from all the various possiblities here. And I’ve pretty much mastered dis-jointed thought processes. Or so I thought.
Hey, look, something shiny!
the more mir wants the more mir likes, the more mir likes it just gets better
I hope your Deedle! Love your blog, by the way.
There’s got to be other ways besides not shaving. Eek! Can’t stand stubble at all on my legs.
Thanks! That was a very entertaining post! LOL
tell deedle that the no shaving doesn’t work alone, it needs a partner…like the granny panties! no self respecting woman would allow herself to be disrobed by a man while wearing granny panties and with yeti legs.
I nearly spat tea over my computer screen at “Maybe he’ll turn out to be an asshole”: as though that were a favourable outcome?