Full spectrum

By Mir
March 12, 2006

Exchanges I have participated in today, filtered through the lens of complete anonymity to protect those involved: [Not that anyone needs any protection, per se, but after all it adds to the fun because there’s a limitless number of possibilities for you, the reader, as you imagine where each exchange may have taken place. It’s like those Choose Your Own Adventure books! But with a blog!]

* * * * *

Eenie: I want green beans!
Meenie: Okay, we can get green beans.
Eenie: I want to get them!
Meenie: Alright….
Miney: I can hold the bag.
Meenie: Okay, um, you hold the bag, and you put some beans in.
Eenie: How many?
Meenie: Just a couple of handfuls, k?
Miney: We can do it! You go over there with the peppers!
Meenie: Okay. I’m going. Red or green?
Miney: Both.
Meenie: Okey doke. Wait. STOP.
Eenie: Green beans!
Meenie: Yes, um, I said a couple handfuls. You are now going to have green beans for every meal this entire week, that sound good?
Eenie: Even breakfast?
Meenie: Yep.
Miney: Cool!

* * * * *

Fred: Do you want english muffins?
Ed: Yes please!
Fred: Okay, good, they’re Buy One, Get One.
Ed: How much is that?
Fred: Well you pay for one and the second one is free.
Ed: But how does that work?
Fred: Well. It’s like you two! I paid for you and got that one for free!
Ed: Really?
Fred: Yes.
Ed: Really??
Fred: No.
Ed: But how much do the english muffins COST?
Fred: I don’t know.
Ed: Did you really pay for me?
Fred: No, you were the free one.

* * * * *

Thelma: He doesn’t listen, he spins in circles, he flaps his arms, he seems like he’s in his own little world.
Louise: What’s your point?
Thelma: You don’t think that’s… odd?
Louise: No, I think that’s… six.
Thelma: Really?
Louise: Aren’t they all like that?
Thelma: I don’t know. I only have one.
Louise: I think it’s pretty typical.
Thelma: I think it sucks.
Louise: Well, yes.
Thelma: I really think maybe he’s… worse.
Louise: What does his teacher say?
Thelma: I’m supposed to talk to his teacher?
Thelma: I’m kidding.
Louise: Okay, just checking.
Thelma: His teacher says he doesn’t listen, he spins in circles, and he flaps his arms.
Thelma: Not kidding this time, unfortunately.
Louise: But is she worried about him?
Thelma: I don’t think so.
Louise: Well, then.
Thelma: But it’s possible I wasn’t listening.

* * * * *

Tweedle: So when you have sex with him…
Deedle: What? No! No sex!
Tweedle: No sex?
Deedle: No! Too soon to even THINK about that!
Tweedle: But–
Deedle: Listen, first date, nothing. Second date, one kiss. Maybe.
Tweedle: What if it’s a REALLY GOOD KISS?
Deedle: ummmm
Tweedle: Like all SLOOWWWW and SEXY and AMAZING??
Deedle: Crap.
Tweedle: Ha!
Deedle: I’m in trouble.
Tweedle: SEE? So what if that happens?
Deedle: I will be STRONG!
Tweedle: The hell you will.
Deedle: Wait, I KNOW! I’ve got it!
Tweedle: What?
Deedle: I won’t shave! That’s perfect. That way the pants can’t come off.
Tweedle: Oh, that’s good.
Deedle: I am smart!
Tweedle: The time-honored not-shaving manuever! Classic!
Deedle: A thing of beauty!
Tweedle: But you can’t tell him that’s why.
Deedle: No, of course not.
Tweedle: Cuz he’ll talk you out of them.
Deedle: Right, he’ll be all “Oh, I don’t mind stubble.”
Tweedle: Exactly.
Deedle: That’s settled, then. I just won’t shave my legs for a few months.
Tweedle: You’re in trouble.
Deedle: Not necessarily. Maybe he’ll turn out to be an asshole.

* * * * *


  1. Contrary

    I have had that last conversation more than once. Sometimes I was Tweedle and sometimes I was Deedle. It’s more fun being Tweedle and screwin with Deedle, than being Deedle and living with furry legs.

  2. amy-go

    I hope you’re Deedle! And go ahead, live a little….SHAVE! ;)

  3. Bob

    I now know where you live – it’s a little town called DENIAL.

    Actually, it’s not that small. I should know, I’m a founding father.

  4. aimee

    I hope you’re Deedle! I think every woman alive has done that no-shaving bit. It doesn’t always work, mind you, but we all do it.

  5. Cele

    I’m with Amy-Go. Shave and take a walk on the wildside. Then you get to come home to green beans, English muffins, and a spin cycle six year old. No problem. You are super Whoa-Mom. It’s all in a days work.

  6. Nothing But Bonfires

    Yeah, I’ve done the no-shave thing, only to be rooting around in a stranger’s medicine cabinet at 2am, looking for a Gillette sensor and something that could serve as shaving foam. The only thing that will work is a padlock. And give the key to, like, your mother.

  7. bob

    my comment above is why I don’t write more of them – cryptic at best, unintelligible at worst. I should may write a few drafts, put them down and come back later and proof. If I had it might have come out something more like this: (not that the following is guaranteed to be any less cryptic or unintelligible)

    I now know where Deedle lives – in the state of DENIAL. (Its a large metropolis – or a small world. I should know as I am its founding father.) Deedle’s potential suitor may be from Europe (or an aging hippie who’s not over his earth mother days) where the phrase black forest isn’t just a reference to a region in Germany. Hairy legs aren’t much of a deterent to the seriously attracted male animal (or most other males with a few beers in ’em and an idee fixe).

    I’ll drop back into the background now…..

  8. Irony Queen

    To shave or not to shave? THAT is the question. If you’re me, shaving would all but guarantee that the guy will be a tool. A tool that you don’t even want to kiss, let alone allow to be in the presence of your newly-shaved legs. But maybe your man-karma is better than mine.

  9. Latte Man

    OK, I must acknowledge my male denseness here. You avoid shaving in order to talk “yourself” out of it?

    Does that ever really work?

  10. ben

    Green beans.

    Even I am getting dizzy from all the various possiblities here. And I’ve pretty much mastered dis-jointed thought processes. Or so I thought.

    Hey, look, something shiny!

  11. M00

    the more mir wants the more mir likes, the more mir likes it just gets better

  12. katie

    I hope your Deedle! Love your blog, by the way.

  13. Sabrina

    There’s got to be other ways besides not shaving. Eek! Can’t stand stubble at all on my legs.

    Thanks! That was a very entertaining post! LOL

  14. shannon

    tell deedle that the no shaving doesn’t work alone, it needs a partner…like the granny panties! no self respecting woman would allow herself to be disrobed by a man while wearing granny panties and with yeti legs.

  15. udge

    I nearly spat tea over my computer screen at “Maybe he’ll turn out to be an asshole”: as though that were a favourable outcome?

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