I’ve just noticed tonight that my hair is at that lovely stage where I’ve got two botched colors growing out, as well as enough new growth to leave me plenty of grey-spiked natural brown. It’s the Amazing Technicolor Dreamhead! But I’m sure many of you will be pleased to learn that I’ve decided to be a big girl and stop screwing up my hair. For a little while. I’m growing it all out, and then I’m going to sell my body on the street corner just prior to BlogHer and let my stylist do my color.
That way, when I’m sitting up there with Alice and Tracey during our panel with a blank look on my face and drool trickling out of the corner of my mouth, people will point and whisper, “My GOD but her hair is FANTASTIC!”
I think it’s good to have goals, that way.
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So I saw the surgeon this morning, and she seemed perplexed that I would find my bruised, oozing breast any matter for concern. She insists I am healing well and look fantastic. It sort of makes me wonder what she’s looking at on a regular basis. Anyway, our conversation about the bleeding can be boiled down to the old routine:
Me: It bleeds when I do this.
Her: Don’t do that.
I’m really glad we cleared that up. Also, she claims I’ll be playing the violin again in no time, which is GREAT, because I’ve never played before.
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The following is a Public Service Announcement:
Attention, men! While most women understand and even tolerate the fact that no amount of training will override your basic instinct to seek out the biggest pair of boobs or the longest legs in the room, please consider at least ATTEMPTING to hide this facet of your personality when posting a personal ad. If you cannot manage this, please stop contacting me. If your profile proudly states that you’re looking for ‘a girl who’s really good-looking,’ please go away. I’m flattered that you wrote to me. (And when I say “flattered” I mean “squicked out.”) However, I own houseplants deeper than you. And may respond by telling you that I have a peg leg. Also? Try a glimpse in the mirror before imposing your standards on others. I’m just sayin’.
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I have been quite pleased with my not-TiVo (DVR service through my cable company), and for $6/month I guess I shouldn’t really complain. But tonight I turned on the TV and was informed that my DVR was full! Danger, Will Robinson! Cannot proceed with taping! Delete shows?
Meanwhile, I’m scratching my (technicolor) head. I have 40 hours of storage on there. How could it be FULL? I started paging through the drive contents.
Well, it turns out that cable company DVR service is sort of like TiVo’s retarded little brother. Turns out that it does no thinking whatsoever. So if, say, you have it set to regularly record a show? And that show airs the same episode over and over? The not-TiVo will tape it… over and over. It doesn’t recognize that you already have it.
And then you end up with 40 hours of the same 3 episodes of Ben 10.
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Long ago and far away, except it wasn’t really all that long ago, and technically I guess it was sort of far away but with the internet everything is sort of right here, and this sentence is just getting longer and longer and going nowhere and you’ve dozed off or started hatching a plan to come over here and throttle me, I was chatting online with Karen. I cannot tell you now how it happened–something about Jewish guilt, perhaps?–but somehow in the midst of a lively exchange, one of us wrote:
MAZEL TOV, SUCKER!!!
And then, because we are mature adults, enjoying a highly intellectual discourse, we completely lost it. I can’t speak for Karen, but I was HOWLING with laughter. It took a while for us to collect ourselves. I assumed this is one of those things where it’s only funny to us, and so haven’t mentioned it. For the first week or so after that, every time we talked, the conversation was liberally peppered with MAZEL TOV, SUCKER!! from both sides. It continued to be hilarious, because we really need to get out more.
And then, as silly jokes do, it kind of faded out for a while.
Earlier today, we were chatting, and it came up again, and it was JUST AS FUNNY as the first time. And SO appropriate! Listen, don’t take my word for it. I challenge you to make it yours. You’ll be amazed at just how many everyday situations can be enhanced with this simple phrase. Trust me.
Or, you know, if not, I’m pretty sure it was Karen who came up with it.