None of this is related

By Mir
March 7, 2006

I’ve just noticed tonight that my hair is at that lovely stage where I’ve got two botched colors growing out, as well as enough new growth to leave me plenty of grey-spiked natural brown. It’s the Amazing Technicolor Dreamhead! But I’m sure many of you will be pleased to learn that I’ve decided to be a big girl and stop screwing up my hair. For a little while. I’m growing it all out, and then I’m going to sell my body on the street corner just prior to BlogHer and let my stylist do my color.

That way, when I’m sitting up there with Alice and Tracey during our panel with a blank look on my face and drool trickling out of the corner of my mouth, people will point and whisper, “My GOD but her hair is FANTASTIC!”

I think it’s good to have goals, that way.

* * * * *

So I saw the surgeon this morning, and she seemed perplexed that I would find my bruised, oozing breast any matter for concern. She insists I am healing well and look fantastic. It sort of makes me wonder what she’s looking at on a regular basis. Anyway, our conversation about the bleeding can be boiled down to the old routine:

Me: It bleeds when I do this.
Her: Don’t do that.

I’m really glad we cleared that up. Also, she claims I’ll be playing the violin again in no time, which is GREAT, because I’ve never played before.

* * * * *

The following is a Public Service Announcement:

Attention, men! While most women understand and even tolerate the fact that no amount of training will override your basic instinct to seek out the biggest pair of boobs or the longest legs in the room, please consider at least ATTEMPTING to hide this facet of your personality when posting a personal ad. If you cannot manage this, please stop contacting me. If your profile proudly states that you’re looking for ‘a girl who’s really good-looking,’ please go away. I’m flattered that you wrote to me. (And when I say “flattered” I mean “squicked out.”) However, I own houseplants deeper than you. And may respond by telling you that I have a peg leg. Also? Try a glimpse in the mirror before imposing your standards on others. I’m just sayin’.

* * * * *

I have been quite pleased with my not-TiVo (DVR service through my cable company), and for $6/month I guess I shouldn’t really complain. But tonight I turned on the TV and was informed that my DVR was full! Danger, Will Robinson! Cannot proceed with taping! Delete shows?

Meanwhile, I’m scratching my (technicolor) head. I have 40 hours of storage on there. How could it be FULL? I started paging through the drive contents.

Well, it turns out that cable company DVR service is sort of like TiVo’s retarded little brother. Turns out that it does no thinking whatsoever. So if, say, you have it set to regularly record a show? And that show airs the same episode over and over? The not-TiVo will tape it… over and over. It doesn’t recognize that you already have it.

And then you end up with 40 hours of the same 3 episodes of Ben 10.

* * * * *

Long ago and far away, except it wasn’t really all that long ago, and technically I guess it was sort of far away but with the internet everything is sort of right here, and this sentence is just getting longer and longer and going nowhere and you’ve dozed off or started hatching a plan to come over here and throttle me, I was chatting online with Karen. I cannot tell you now how it happened–something about Jewish guilt, perhaps?–but somehow in the midst of a lively exchange, one of us wrote:


And then, because we are mature adults, enjoying a highly intellectual discourse, we completely lost it. I can’t speak for Karen, but I was HOWLING with laughter. It took a while for us to collect ourselves. I assumed this is one of those things where it’s only funny to us, and so haven’t mentioned it. For the first week or so after that, every time we talked, the conversation was liberally peppered with MAZEL TOV, SUCKER!! from both sides. It continued to be hilarious, because we really need to get out more.

And then, as silly jokes do, it kind of faded out for a while.

Earlier today, we were chatting, and it came up again, and it was JUST AS FUNNY as the first time. And SO appropriate! Listen, don’t take my word for it. I challenge you to make it yours. You’ll be amazed at just how many everyday situations can be enhanced with this simple phrase. Trust me.

Or, you know, if not, I’m pretty sure it was Karen who came up with it.


  1. shannon

    As for the Not Tivo (DVR), you can set it to record “first airings” so you only get it the first time it airs. Took me forever to figure that one out.


  2. Mr. Fabulous

    Gosh, for a minute there I thought I was in the Catskills. I could almost hear the rimshots.

    Wait…did I just say “gosh”?

  3. Chookooloonks

    To clarify: I was *not* the one who came up with the phrase. I believe Mir was discussing her glee at crushing the hearts of her many hapless suitors.

    Because she’s brilliant, and beautiful, and cold-hearted like that.


  4. Mom101

    Ha! I also call it the Not-Tivo. It’s easy when you go to record a show…go into “record options” and click “first run only.” No more repeats of My Fair Brady! (Oops, have I revealed too much about myself?)

  5. Mir

    Okay, you people suck. My not-TiVo does not have a “first run only” option. I mean, I would’ve owned up to feeling moronic if it did, but it doesn’t.

  6. ben

    I’ve just corrected my ad to read: If you have breasts, that’s great, and I’m rather understanding about seepage issues, really, but understand if you’d rather wait until our second date to discuss same.
    Cuz I’m supportive that way.

    Is that better?

    Also, my Tivo (which is really a Tivo) will let you say if you want repeats or not, but I don’t remember how to set it – that’s why I have a child. The same child that proudly announced he had figured out the password so he could watch Rated R movies on Starz.

    *makes note to cancel Starz subscription*

    And what happens when an Irish Catholic says “Mazel Tov, Sucka!” at random? Guess we’ll find out.

  7. redneckmommy

    Ha ha. I just said MAZEL TOV, SUCKA! to my girlfriend and you are right! Hysterical!

    As for the non-Tivo thing, well I have no words. Literally. I live out in the boondocks and there is NO cable. My hubs is too cheap for satellite. Hence, 3 fuzzy channels.

  8. Melanie Lynne Hauser

    As I believe has been pointed out, you can tell your DVR (and I am the proud owner of one, myself – or make that, renter of one, actually, through my cable company) to record either all episodes of a show on this channel, all first-run episodes on this channel, or all episodes airing at this time on this channel. Read the instructions, whydontcha???

    And don’t you just hate how much time, money and effort we spend on our freakin’ hair???? I tell you, I’m getting sick of it and seriously contemplating going au naturale. (OK, really, I would never do such a thing. But there are times I think about it!)

  9. Brenda

    When you program the not-TIVO (which I have, too), check the additional options section. There’s a lot of things you can include when you program the DVR, besides recording the new shows only. Some shows I set to start recording a few minutes early or record a few minutes longer. This is really handy for all those cable shows with varying running times.

    As to the hair color, maybe you should get something nice and not permanent, in case you hate it or your stylist screws up. Believe me, they can really screw up. Everyone’s hair is different. Make sure she color tests a strand. Don’t let her rush you through and don’t rush yourself. Have your appointment on a day when you don’t have the kids and take your time.

    My sister is a stylist with her own salon (unfortunately 250 miles away, which is why I do my own hair), and while she is excellent, we’ve both seen some real horror stories.

    I had the same stylist for 12 years. The last few times I went in, she was rushed (she also owns her own salon), and pushing clients through because she and her husband were separated and she had to get home to her daughter. Being a mother, I understand, but if I’m paying $75 for 45 minutes to an hour of your time, I want that time to myself. What finally finished our relationship was when I took in a picture of the exact haircut I wanted and another picture of the streaks I wanted and I didn’t get either. I ended up with a different (nice, but not what I wanted) cut, highlighting instead of streaks, and she was doing haircuts while doing my hair. She didn’t even do most of the highlighting herself. This cost me about $160. I never went back.

    Wow, what a whiny tale of woe. Especially after boobpusapalooza.

    It’s your hair and your money. Make sure you get what you pay for.

  10. Jenn2

    I’m really glad other people do the hilarious random phrase thing, because my mom and I had decided we were pretty much nuts for inserting “Da** Hobos” into our conversations. I will not tell you why we find that so funny because it is embarrasing on an epic level.
    Because Mom and I share this, I decided to try the Mazel Tov, Sucka with her. She paused a beat and replied, “Da** hobos.”

    God, I love my mom.

  11. Nothing But Bonfires

    You do know that Mazel Tov is French for Happy Birthday, right?

  12. Sandee

    This is the *best* blog! Not only is it extremely entertaining, it’s informative, as well. I never knew I could program my not-TIVO to record the first-run programs only. Of course, I never read the directions, either.

    Mazel Tov, Sucker!

  13. Contrary

    Sadly, it wouldn’t go over real well here. I’d have to explain what Mazel Tov means and then I’d have to explain why it was funny and then I’d have to throw a shoe at someone’s head.

  14. ozma

    I will use MAZEL TOV, SUCKER! I will totally use it. Although my husband will ridicule me as he does when I say ‘ay, vey’ (combination of ‘ay, mi’ and ‘oy, vey’) or don’t hoch meir chinek. After he ridicules me I’ll just say “You married an idiot. SO MAZEL TOV, SUCKER!”

  15. Mary

    I think I have finally found the hairdo/color that I will stick with FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. So if you think it looks cute at this year’s BlogHer, that’s cool. If you think it looks lame and outdated at BlogHer ’13… well, MAZEL TOV, SUCKER!

  16. Jenrigg

    Had to LOL at the “don’t do that”. I work in a hospital and patients are always going “it bleeds/leaks milk/something oozes out when I squeeze it” and my boss goes “well don’t squeeze it”. Yep, gotta love a doctor’s logic! Hope it’s better soon Mir :)

Things I Might Once Have Said


Quick Retail Therapy

Pin It on Pinterest