I seem to have misplaced the funny. It might be underneath that pile of puppy treasures on my desk, but the last time I saw it was definitely right before my ex pointed out that when he remarries, I’ll need to figure out my own health insurance. Now, so far as I know, he’s not getting remarried any time soon. But I’m also pretty sure he’s not going to base his life-planning on my freakish medical needs, and even assuming that I never again need poking or prodding or surgery, this is problematic. Without insurance, I’m thinking I wouldn’t even be able to afford my hormone patches. Which would mean I would not only be uninsured, but I’d have brittle bones and a beard, as well.
Between that conversation and my upcoming biopsy, I’ve more or less convinced myself that 1) I’m doomed, 2) I’m dying, and 3) I’m going to die alone. I think these are logical conclusions to draw. But I’ve yet to find the humor in it.
So: Not funny, but wise. So I shall try to advise those who come here seeking knowledge.
(I know that entries based on recent search strings are sometimes seen as cop-outs, but I actually love them because DAMN, there are strange people out there. I mean, before the internet, you just had to IMAGINE what weird things people wondered about. Now you can mine for freakishness right in your log files.)
whats the difference between a running shoe and a cross trainer
One is either animated or magical, and the other is a fit but pissed-off person. Also, I have no idea.
K-Y personal lubricant ad see what happens
I assume that they turn the lights out and have routine, uninteresting sex for about two minutes, followed by the man rolling over and snoring and leaving the woman to sleep in the wet spot. But I’m just guessing.
rhymes that havent been used
Because no one is smart enough to realize they rhyme? Or like, virgin rhymes that are saving themselves?
That’s easy–I just had one of those last night. It’s when you’ve FINALLY fallen asleep and are immediately awakened by a child.
right left ovary
I think you need to stop and ask for directions.
hip misalignment how to fix it
Start by hoping your ex marries someone with her own health insurance.
your skin will glow and you haven’t even left the shower yet
Am I showering at the nuclear plant?
BREAST CYST GREEN OOZE FROM BREAST
You don’t have to shout. I’m pretty sure I told the entire world already. Oh, did you want a solution? Sorry. If you find one, will you come back and tell me?
ice dancer boob
I don’t want to know.
is it appropriate to kiss on the third date
Yes. It is, however, inappropriate to query Google for kissing advice.
happy birthday smell
Personally, I associate it with the scent of buttercream. But as the years march by, maybe Ben-Gay as an overall aroma will win out.
lyme disease or hypochondriac
Why choose? Follow my example and do both!
I thought I had a nosebleed but it was yellow liquid
Thanks for sharing. (P.S. Here on earth, we call that snot.)
bratz dolls and feminism
My understanding is that feminism took one look at those gigantic lips and beat the nearest man senseless just on principle.
i colored my hair yesterday how soon can i color it again
How about today? Or never? Or–here’s an idea–how about taking hair-coloring advice from someone who actually knows this stuff?
gross child snot
As opposed to…?
Wait… you can get money for that? I’m doing it all wrong!