Le Freak, C’est Chic

By Mir
February 27, 2006

I seem to have misplaced the funny. It might be underneath that pile of puppy treasures on my desk, but the last time I saw it was definitely right before my ex pointed out that when he remarries, I’ll need to figure out my own health insurance. Now, so far as I know, he’s not getting remarried any time soon. But I’m also pretty sure he’s not going to base his life-planning on my freakish medical needs, and even assuming that I never again need poking or prodding or surgery, this is problematic. Without insurance, I’m thinking I wouldn’t even be able to afford my hormone patches. Which would mean I would not only be uninsured, but I’d have brittle bones and a beard, as well.

Between that conversation and my upcoming biopsy, I’ve more or less convinced myself that 1) I’m doomed, 2) I’m dying, and 3) I’m going to die alone. I think these are logical conclusions to draw. But I’ve yet to find the humor in it.

So: Not funny, but wise. So I shall try to advise those who come here seeking knowledge.

(I know that entries based on recent search strings are sometimes seen as cop-outs, but I actually love them because DAMN, there are strange people out there. I mean, before the internet, you just had to IMAGINE what weird things people wondered about. Now you can mine for freakishness right in your log files.)

whats the difference between a running shoe and a cross trainer
One is either animated or magical, and the other is a fit but pissed-off person. Also, I have no idea.

K-Y personal lubricant ad see what happens
I assume that they turn the lights out and have routine, uninteresting sex for about two minutes, followed by the man rolling over and snoring and leaving the woman to sleep in the wet spot. But I’m just guessing.

rhymes that havent been used
Because no one is smart enough to realize they rhyme? Or like, virgin rhymes that are saving themselves?

sleep tragedy
That’s easy–I just had one of those last night. It’s when you’ve FINALLY fallen asleep and are immediately awakened by a child.

right left ovary
I think you need to stop and ask for directions.

hip misalignment how to fix it
Start by hoping your ex marries someone with her own health insurance.

your skin will glow and you haven’t even left the shower yet
Am I showering at the nuclear plant?

You don’t have to shout. I’m pretty sure I told the entire world already. Oh, did you want a solution? Sorry. If you find one, will you come back and tell me?

ice dancer boob
I don’t want to know.

is it appropriate to kiss on the third date
Yes. It is, however, inappropriate to query Google for kissing advice.

happy birthday smell
Personally, I associate it with the scent of buttercream. But as the years march by, maybe Ben-Gay as an overall aroma will win out.

lyme disease or hypochondriac
Why choose? Follow my example and do both!

I thought I had a nosebleed but it was yellow liquid
Thanks for sharing. (P.S. Here on earth, we call that snot.)

bratz dolls and feminism
My understanding is that feminism took one look at those gigantic lips and beat the nearest man senseless just on principle.

i colored my hair yesterday how soon can i color it again
How about today? Or never? Or–here’s an idea–how about taking hair-coloring advice from someone who actually knows this stuff?

gross child snot
As opposed to…?


narcissism money
Wait… you can get money for that? I’m doing it all wrong!


  1. DebR

    Cop-out, schmop-out. I love hearing your take on search strings. You made me laugh out loud. You may feel like you’ve misplaced your funny but you must’ve still had some to toss into this entry.

    But I’m sorry you’re feeling down and stressed about all that overwhelming Real Life stuff. I wish I knew something insightful and comforting to say.

  2. Chag

    I love seeing other people’s search strings. Google is the Magic 8-Ball for weirdos.

  3. tanyetta

    whoa nelly! how do you find out what ppl are looking for? that’s pretty interesting. i’d lke to know what ppl are looking for when they come across my blog. maybe just a crazy lady! LOL

  4. wendy

    I know you said you didn’t want to know about the ice dancer boob, but I am here to tell you about it because that is just how helpful I am. And also because if I have to know, then the world should too….

    (also, most likely, not safe for work…just FYI…unless you work somewhere that it is okay to see the boob of an ice dancer hanging out as she is spun around on Olympic Ice)


    Probably one of the few instances in which ice dancing actually qualifies as entertaining — I laughed and laughed and laughed. Poor girl — to be forever known as the Skater with the boob who wanted to say hi to the world…. so sad….in that “I just watched you fall down and can’t stop laughing even though I feel your pain” sort of way….

  5. jess

    Those are way funnier than any searches i’ve seen. Mine mostly involve boobs and pictures of said boobs. (You won’t find any)

    Sorry about your crappy day otherwise.

  6. Rebecca

    No, you haven’t lost the funny. You had me laughing out loud for the first time in days. Thanks, I really needed it.

  7. Nancy

    You are still a wit when you are feeling un-funny and sarcastic! Thanks for the laugh! Good luck with the biopsy.

  8. Theresa

    I dunno, I actually like posts like this. Not only is it funny to see the responses to the searches, I always feel better knowing others have weird searches too!

  9. Denise

    I think search posts are some of the best. I would say that though since I love my searchers very much. It’s people who search for blue vomit, dingbats car and gross kids snot that make the world a truly awesome place to blog in.

  10. www bratzworld tv

    Hope the biopsy goes well.

  11. Aimee

    I wish I had something helpful to say about the insurance or the boobs or something…but I don’t. You’re still funny, though, and always pretty!

  12. Cele

    You are probably the most funny not feeling so funny person Mir.

    I think either a man with a fetish designed Bratz®, or a woman permanently disfigured in a bizaar collagene mishap that wants the silly putty pliable brains of tweeners to think they need to look that way too, so she will feel normal again. Well just saying, because a normal brain wouldn’t have come up with Bratz®

    permanent shivers

  13. ben

    I think perhaps the “gross child snot” wasn’t using gross in the sense that it’s nasty (of course it is) but that they were saving money on shipping by getting an entire gross instead of individual packages. But that’s just a guess.

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting, girl. Wish I could do something.

  14. Kristen

    Dear Lord, if you have to query Google to get dating advice, you have some serious issues. And you have to wonder what kind of advice Google is giving on that one.

    It doesn’t sound like the “funny” is all gone. Good luck.

  15. chris

    Well I for one think that you should tell us all your ex’s name and provide us with a photo so that we can all do everything in our collective internet power to make sure he never remarries.

    I’ll totally make it one of my life’s projects, just say the word. I’m giving like that ;-)

  16. Amy-GO

    I read this whole post and the only thing I remember is the part about kissing on the third date…what aren’t you telling? Give it up! ;)

  17. Susan

    See, now THAT was funny. Go you!

  18. ozma

    Is it people that are weird or is it language itself. Like those language poets annd the poems write themselves because language is strange and…oh, never mind. People are freaks.

  19. carson

    I don’t know how to break it to you, but the funny is right where it has always been. Hope the boob passes its test (or passed, since I’m a day late.)

  20. MandaCakes

    My hubby and I were watching the KY ad that said
    “Nothing says Valetine’s Day like K-Y personal lubricant and massage.”
    My husband snorted and said
    “No, that says ‘Gimme some, you uptight dry bitch.'”
    Now THAT would be truth in advertising.
    (That line has now replaced phrases like “pass the salt” in our house. “Gimme some salt, you uptight dry bitch” is WAY more fun.)

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